[hubbyintrubby]

What should I do. I tried everything already. Crying, consequences, opening up to him that it hurts me and triggers my insecurities, it is so disrespectful.. then he said when he got mad and burst like "maybe it's better if i should've cheated on you instead of reacting this way. Maybe it's better to do it for real"

Is this some kind of cheating? He just did it secretly like before bec accdg to him, he just don't want me get mad and make it a big deal.

He never cheated on me. He's always full of love, caring, help, support, effort, love words and all. But this, this is his dark side.

I'm torn between. I told him, if he will cheat on me, then that's that. It's gonna be over. He won't see us, my daughter and I.

You should tell him clearly and concisely that if he chooses to continue the behaviors that you've said hurt you so badly, then he can find someone else that is going to put up with it...because you won't. But you can't set that up unless you're absolutely ready to do what you will say. If you say, and cannot bring yourself to leave you'll only appear weak for him to continue on.

Is it cheating to you? That's a personal thing. Is he damaging trust in your relationship by doing what he does?

Time to draw a line in the sand. Let him make the choice whether or not he wants to step over it. But be ready to apply the consequence if he does.

You've got this.

 

[JustNoOne]

You should tell him clearly and concisely that if he chooses to continue the behaviors that you've said hurt you so badly, then he can find someone else that is going to put up with it...because you won't. But you can't set that up unless you're absolutely ready to do what you will say. If you say, and cannot bring yourself to leave you'll only appear weak for him to continue on.

Is it cheating to you? That's a personal thing. Is he damaging trust in your relationship by doing what he does?

Time to draw a line in the sand. Let him make the choice whether or not he wants to step over it. But be ready to apply the consequence if he does.

You've got this.

Thank you so much.. I did all that in the past but wasn't brave enough to do as I say. So maybe that's why he keeps on doing it.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Thank you so much.. I did all that in the past but wasn't brave enough to do as I say. So maybe that's why he keeps on doing it.

It is ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt why he keeps doing it. You've basically taught him and shown him that it's OK by not acting.

 

[JustNoOne]

Thanks for the advice. Yes he said that. Better off to cheat that being acused.

He always say that am beautiful but I'm so insecure of those he follows. Yes, I also asked him to share the porns and sexy girls. When we watch it he's so sleepy uninterested. But he actually watch it by himself. He doesn't want me to know because I will make fuss about it. Ruining our days.

 

[Blondilocks]

Although, he is so caring and loving. He always does everything to make me feel loved.

He is doing something that he knows causes you distress. This is neither caring nor loving. So, is his behavior making you feeling loved? Look to his actions - not his words. Words are cheap. His actions tell you how much or how little regard he has for you.

 

[JustNoOne]

It is ABSOLUTELY, without a doubt why he keeps doing it. You've basically taught him and shown him that it's OK by not acting.

I don't want to lose him i just want him to focus on me. He said maybe it's better of he will be like a horse, paparazzi or an obsessed husband. He asked me if I will like it, he's gonna be obsessed jealous and controlling. Ofcourse i don't want that. I am now tracking his activities on his social media accounts. If it increases, then I will confront him. Now, I will need to focus getting courage to face whatever will happen, worse, leaving him for good. I will be stern with what I stand for once I confronted him. Thank you!

Sometimes I am imagining, there's no such thing like a man who will not do what he does. So maybe just be single forever. I hate to compare myself. I think I'm getting disorder bec of it.

 

[JustNoOne]

He is doing something that he knows causes you distress. This is neither caring nor loving. So, is his behavior making you feeling loved? Look to his actions - not his words. Words are cheap. His actions tell you how much or how little regard he has for you.

Thank you. In front of me, he's like doing everything for us, his daughter. But secretly, satisfying himself with those sexy girls. Now, I'm hating tiktok it's like being another porn site for hungry men out there.

 

[JustNoOne]

He is doing something that he knows causes you distress. This is neither caring nor loving. So, is his behavior making you feeling loved? Look to his actions - not his words. Words are cheap. His actions tell you how much or how little regard he has for you.

When I fuss about it, he'll say I'm not noticing and I'm taking him for granted. Everything he does for us, just bec I'm so focused with that issue when in the 1st place I shouldn't been spying his phone if I truly trust him and love him. For him, I'm just looking for something to fight about.

 

[Diana7]

He said he won't do it anymore and that he's just curious. I think it suits to single men. Do you know a married man like this? I know people who does but it's just that they are appreciating the girls. I dunno anymore. I think it's just my insecurities.

No it's not your insecurities, it's not appropriate for a man who is supposed to be committed to you in marriage.
Just say to him that he is free to carry on doing this but it won't be with you as his wife.

 

[Blondilocks]

When I fuss about it, he'll say I'm not noticing and I'm taking him for granted. Everything he does for us, just bec I'm so focused with that issue when in the 1st place I shouldn't been spying his phone if I truly trust him and love him. For him, I'm just looking for something to fight about.

It's always a hoot when an untrustworthy person blames the person he's trying to hoodwink for not trusting him. Look, to him your distress is all your fault because you should happily turn a blind eye and let him wank off to whatever image he finds titillating at the moment. So what if he leaves comments - it's you he lurves. Until he grows up and learns to respect you, you will have a hard life with him.

 

[Openminded]

He knows how you feel and he’s made it clear that he’s very unlikely to change. Now what?

 

[Luckylucky]

There’s something creepy about men who do this. Secretly looking at lots of images online. Whatever those images may be.

I think that you’re fine, but don’t let weirdo behaviour ruing your life and consume you. He’s the one with the problem.

Do other husbands do this? We have a large social circle and sure, we go out and all of the men will notice a beautiful woman. But then there’s always that one weirdo husband who stares toooooo long and won’t look away and there’s this awful feeling in the air. He’s probably got secret online stuff going on.

So I don’t know if yours is like this, but really pull the focus away. As you said you’ve tried everything and he doesn’t care about your feelings. Even worse, he’s manipulating and deflecting back all of it rather than giving you a deep honest insight into his behaviour. Comments like why don’t I just really cheat? Nah come on.

 

[hamadryad]

There’s something creepy about men who do this. Secretly looking at lots of images online. Whatever those images may be.

I think that you’re fine, but don’t let weirdo behaviour ruing your life and consume you. He’s the one with the problem.

Do other husbands do this? We have a large social circle and sure, we go out and all of the men will notice a beautiful woman. But then there’s always that one weirdo husband who stares toooooo long and won’t look away and there’s this awful feeling in the air. He’s probably got secret online stuff going on.

Then basically the entire lot of men are creepy weirdos, because practically every news anchor, weather and traffic reporter, sports commentators, are mostly women with insanely great bodies, full breasts, etc and they are specifically instructed to dress in a way that accentuates their assets...Even that damn AT&T girl is just relentlessly talked about.....we all know why,,,and it's not her smile...lol

The simple reason this is done, is to get the person watching to stop and look...These stations are doing nothing more than using natural urges to get eyes focused on their product...

It's just downright shocking to me that some people think that biological urges and drives just immediately get squelched the minute someone happens to be paired up with someone else...Makes zero sense..

Tact...simple....don't let her know what you are doing...That's how the majority of guys do it...And I don't think this is an exclusively male issue...I bet plenty of women dreaming of the hunky guy at the office or the cop that was directing traffic on her way in to work, while hubby and his dad bod and zero sex appeal persona, is getting ready to have sex with her, meanwhile he's thinking she thinks he's effing Superman...lol..

My dad was on his deathbed 84 years old, organs shutting down, and just basically waiting to die, and he still had enough in him to comment to me how nice of an ass the one nurse had...😂

Again, he's doing this like a noob and/or a rookie...No one worth a shyt comments on these photos like the lot of incels do...That's just dumb...And doing any of this in front of a woman is just ridiculous as well...beyond inappropriate...

If you want to start policing him and monitoring everything he does, be my guest, but is that any way to live??

 

[Diana7]

Then basically the entire lot of men are creepy weirdos, because practically every news anchor, weather and traffic reporter, sports commentators, are mostly women with insanely great bodies, full breasts, etc and they are specifically instructed to dress in a way that accentuates their assets...Even that damn AT&T girl is just relentlessly talked about.....we all know why,,,and it's not her smile...lol

The simple reason this is done, is to get the person watching to stop and look...These stations are doing nothing more than using natural urges to get eyes focused on their product...

It's just downright shocking to me that some people think that biological urges and drives just immediately get squelched the minute someone happens to be paired up with someone else...Makes zero sense..

Tact...simple....don't let her know what you are doing...That's how the majority of guys do it...And I don't think this is an exclusively male issue...I bet plenty of women dreaming of the hunky guy at the office or the cop that was directing traffic on her way in to work, while hubby and his dad bod and zero sex appeal persona, is getting ready to have sex with her, meanwhile he's thinking she thinks he's effing Superman...lol..

My dad was on his deathbed 84 years old, organs shutting down, and just basically waiting to die, and he still had enough in him to comment to me how nice of an ass the one nurse had...😂

Again, he's doing this like a noob and/or a rookie...No one worth a shyt comments on these photos like the lot of incels do...That's just dumb...And doing any of this in front of a woman is just ridiculous as well...beyond inappropriate...

If you want to start policing him and monitoring everything he does, be my guest, but is that any way to live??

There is a massive difference between noticing someone attractive and actively seeking them out.

 

[jlg07]

So I DO understand where he might LOOK at their images -- have you explicitly talked about him looking at porn? The IG stuff is way less than. BUT --- INTERACTING with them is DEF over the line. He shouldn't be commenting or anything else with them.

Again, this is a boundary issue -- if YOU have explicitly stated that him doing this is going over one of YOUR boundaries, then that should have been discussed and the issue CLOSED. He should be putting your concerns over his need to check out IG hotties.

 

[hamadryad]

There is a massive difference between noticing someone attractive and actively seeking them out.

So where is the line drawn then??

What amounts to "actively seeking them out" Does that mean I(or any other guy) need to avoid any situation or site that may happen to occasionally show beautiful and scantily clad women?? If you were a guy, that would mean basically avoiding anything or any site that happens to be centered around activities most men partake in? I mean, hell, I like to fish, and the sites that I am on that are centered around fishing constantly show images of sexy women fishing, holding up fish, whatever...I like MMA and it's the same there...Im not into gaming, but I hear it's a lot of the same there..


What is the protocol, and where is the line drawn..?? Would you expect your husband to not join any of these sites or watch any sporting type of events so that he wouldn't be exposed to these ladies??

FTR, I did state that "following" or commenting on photos is clearly wrong, I am just not sure where some of you all stand on this..and where does someone go before running afoul?...

 

[Luckylucky]

@hamadryad I think I explained above there are the married men and women that look and the people that staaaaaare. Nice to look, I look too! Nobody said to avoid them.

But following lots and lots of them and secret accounts, I think we all know where the line is.

I love fishing, but haven’t come across any Instagram accounts with scantily clad women? I follow 2 or 3, but no bikinis (or even sexy fisherman), mostly fish and water 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

[Diana7]

So where is the line drawn then??

What amounts to "actively seeking them out" Does that mean I(or any other guy) need to avoid any situation or site that may happen to occasionally show beautiful and scantily clad women?? If you were a guy, that would mean basically avoiding anything or any site that happens to be centered around activities most men partake in? I mean, hell, I like to fish, and the sites that I am on that are centered around fishing constantly show images of sexy women fishing, holding up fish, whatever...I like MMA and it's the same there...Im not into gaming, but I hear it's a lot of the same there..


What is the protocol, and where is the line drawn..?? Would you expect your husband to not join any of these sites or watch any sporting type of events so that he wouldn't be exposed to these ladies??

FTR, I did state that "following" or commenting on photos is clearly wrong, I am just not sure where some of you all stand on this..and where does someone go before running afoul?...

It's up to you in the end where you have your boundaries. I would do all I could within reason to avoid scantily clad women/men( depending on what sex you are).
So for example the other day a new drama started on tv that looked quite good. The first thing that happened was a couple having sex in the kitchen. More or less had most their clothes on, but for me that was over my boundary and I stopped watching.

I find it hard to believe that there isn't a decent site for those who like fishing that isn't like that, but for me that would be a no no.
We all have to decide on our own boundaries.

 

[hamadryad]

@hamadryad I think I explained above there are the married men and women that look and the people that staaaaaare. Nice to look, I look too! Nobody said to avoid them.

But following lots and lots of them and secret accounts, I think we all know where the line is.

I love fishing, but haven’t come across any Instagram accounts with scantily clad women? I follow 2 or 3, but no bikinis (or even sexy fisherman), mostly fish and water 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fair enough.. And being married has really nothing to do with stalking or creeping on someone...That's wrong, married or not...

As for the second part of it, maybe it's because a lot of what happens on the internet revolves around cookies and algorithms.. I know almost nothing about this stuff, and don't have an instagram account, but from what I hear we all see what is being directed by forces that deliberately place content by demographic and interests..so what comes across my screen isn't the same as what comes across yours...and it has nothing to do with what someone is "actively" doing...Maybe TMI, but I've never needed ED meds in my entire life, yet I am bombarded with ads for them....(shrug)...

Same for fitness, btw...The gym I currently go to is great place that is flooded with 20 something year old women, that walk around in sportsbras and leggings that show everything....every crease...etc...like someone dipped them in a vat of spandex or Lycra...I deliberately avoid them, but it's impossible not to notice it...Same for the internet...If you have any interest in fitness your screen will be flooded with gorgeous fitness models looking for hits, validation or whatever...I'm sure someone like Diana7 would walk in that gym and demand I give up my membership...lol

I dunno...All I am saying here, is unless you want to live like a shut in some of this stuff is clearly unavoidable...You want to twist yourselves up in a pretzel to avoid it, fine, but it's not something i'd ever do, or expect a SO to do, that's for sure..

 

[ccpowerslave]

At a bare minimum when you use a site where people can see who you follow like Instagram you can’t have inappropriate content on there.

I have had to unfollow some women I know IRL who I have worked out and trained with because they post “check out how hot I am” photos for the likes. I mean I’m glad for them and yeah they’re hot, but do I want my boss looking at that? No.

Within the last year I unfollowed a professional CHESS player. Yes... a chess player because she was posting “am I cute in this?” Influencer shots. I could picture my wife looking at it and groaning so bye bye to her.

I have to say that removing as much of this as possible but especially porn has helped me direct and channel all of my sexual output to my wife where it belongs and it has been good for me.

With that said I am highly susceptible to advertising with women in bikinis. I end up buying all kinda of things (mostly soap and underwear) every time I get a bikini girl ad on Facebook or Instagram such that when a new product arrives my wife facepalms and knows I got taken in by the bikini. I suggested she could do the same thing for me and she hasn’t taken me up on it yet.