^ For me love is most definitely a feeling, that feeling of being in love. And then out of that feeling we enact our love with the things we do with and for our loved one.

I think the love you talk of is the dutiful and responsible love we have for our parents, children, aged Aunts and Uncles etc. For sure we have a duty of service and care for all the members of our family including our wife but we only ever feel romantic, passionate love and sexual desire for our wife. The love we have for our wife is a different type of love to all other loves.



I feel rather sorry for you that you’ve never actually felt “in love” with your wife. You will have missed out seriously big time on immense joy, happiness and pleasure but then again you’ve also avoided a lot of unhappiness, despair and pain.



When my wife caused me pain yet again and wouldn’t change her ways I then took the choice to withdraw my love from her. To put a stop to my loving actions, being concerned about her, helping her etc. I doubt though that the feeling of love I have for her will ever go away although now it is greatly diminished and I know I’ll never stop being in love with the woman I married.

 

Not sure who your post was directed at. I have felt and still occasionally feel "in love". I also feel sad, happy, pissed, confused, hot, cold, hungry, etc. I recognize them as emotions but I'm not a slave to them.

 

I think they are the same thing, however, when you're in a legitimate relationship (ie, not an affair), you can call it being "in love" because you have the infatuation and the reality that reinforces it, but when it's cheating that feeling is called "the fog" because it's just the infatuation minus the reality.

 

Reality is what you are creating. If you are in love with a character from a movie than, yea, that is a fog…. but then there is no danger to your marriage. If you have chemistry with a guy then you can create a different reality with this guy same as you did with your husband. What you just said is - if you have no circumstance that oppose your love than it is “in love”, if you have something that is on your way you should convince yourself that it is a fog… like the fable about a fox that can’t reach a grape wine and said that anyway it is too green yet. Could be you are married and still you met a guy that is your true love.
Yes, would be nice to fall in love over and over with the same person, this way nobody would be hurt.

 

I'd say that, for us, feeling "in love" is a constant. Ever since I realized I was completely in love with my wife I've never ceased to feel "in love" with her. No matter what's going on in our relationship, regardless of whether we're in calm seas, or rough patches, that feeling of being "in love" with her has never ceased in the 13 or so years since I first fell "in love" with her. We were best friends for six years before we go together, and this feeling of being "in love" with her feels absolutely nothing like I felt about her when we were the very best of friends. She feels the same.

Now if being "in love" is the cake, the "fog" is icing. For me this is more fleeting. It is marked by feelings of euphoria, intense joy, excitement, and an overall feeling of pure bliss. This was there when I was falling in love with her, but actually it has never disappeared completely. That feeling will still come over me from time to time, and I sometimes find myself saying to my wife "I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again". It's not a platitude, it's actually exactly how I physically/emotionally feel. This, for me, is not a constant feeling, but it is a regularly recurring one.

My wife would tell you that she is often in a state of "fog". Her behavior suggests this. She often, more than me, displays the behavior she did when we were falling in love. She gets very giddy, and heady, and acts like a giggling school girl pretty much every week, throughout the week; it is not an ever present behavior, but it's there more than not. It's both beautiful, and frankly surprising. Sometimes it feels like she's in a perpetual, endless stage of falling in love with me. It is quite unusual, and very unlike most people I know.

 

I guess it goes back to this...Logic, emotion, Love, choices etc....We live in a world where the motto is "If it feels good do it" When you marry you make a Vow...for better or worse...not when you "feel" the love or not...as stated that so called feeling comes and goes. But making a choice to love and commit is just that..Love is a verb...its backed by action. "feelings" are everywhere as they are determined by other factors...as in when you choose to love nothing can change that. As for me...I like yes and no questions...because sometimes there is such a thing as a yes and no and a right and wrong.

 

I think "the fog" is infatuation. Infatuation isn't a bad thing, it generally leads to love. It's actually genetically programmed for us to be infatuated and lust before we love.

To be "in love" is when your infatuation and lust line up. Being in love turns off the parts of our brains that criticize and assess the risk of the other person. It's what causes us not to see the flaws in our lover.

 

For me, there's still some fog after three years, but the way I distinguished was by doing a conscious evaluation of our compatibility on the five pillars from time to time, both by myself and asking his opinions on them.

 

What if we need this fog from time to time? I see women that are in fog, they got more energy they look younger, they feel better. It is obviously something that their body needs more than just sex. I saw men in fog – the same. It would be good if we could create this fog from time to time in our relations with the same person. But fog is a great thing, we need it!

 

Fog can be a great thing "with the same person", otherwise it can cause problems. Either way it's good to be aware that there is a difference..

 

Uhh..don't know if I'm a-typical but have been "in love" (off and on) with my husband for..31 years..a constant "low level of love"(like protective) to hate..I dont know what it is I think its "pheromones"..It could be "bonding"./I can imagine being without him..but a "chunk" of me is gone..then I say ,,"I dont need that chunk"..then my side aches..I'm "attached"..I love him.Sigh..I find no shame in that..

 

Ever hear the term 'Limerence'?
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looks like a really great thing to experience

 

Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Is that a better term than 'fog'? May feel great, but it's sort of unhealthy too in some ways.
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and could be healthy in another... term "fog" is shorter less to type. and nobody knows so far how long it could be with a really good match and could it be repeatable.

 

Healthy how? It is obsessive and delusional.
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Limerance, just looked at that...I had an EA and yes that kinda sounds about right..it was infatuation with someone that wasn't real. Was whatever my mind wanted him to be...I am so disgusted with myself. Yes it was very delusional. I didn't think about or care for his well being the way I do my husband. All I wanted was his compliments and for him to say things to make me feel good about myself...ugg it was so wrong but I have learned alot since then and I love my husband with all my heart and have no feeling at all for the ex om..I know I will never let myself get even close to that again.
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Nah.. lets be honest. We can talk metaphysical hypotheticals about perception and creating our own realities - I think that misses the point inthe real world.

Limerence, 'fog'..whatever you choose to call it.. may have positive side effects - such as inspiration - but so does heroin. Inspiration, or feeling good - when taken in isolation - doesnt tell us much.

The entite holistic ecosystem of what is gong on with a persons thoughts feelings and actions needs to be considered.

"...an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviours from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation..."

Hekati - have you ever been in that state of head over heels, cannot hardly eat, swooning love or infatuation or limerence? I would be surprised if 1/2 of us have? Is is more akin to psychosis than anything I would describe as healthy. It is also, I believe - why some fall into the wrong choice in marriage. It is NOT that they did anything wrong - nothing of the kind - but that once that particular phase of the relationship winds down.. and it will... what is left can be very different in some very important ways.

Just thinking out loud (in text).

 

There's no difference.

The Fog is just extreme infatuation.

 

My god.. Limerance is way too familiar it's scary.
Anyone who has been through "the fog" how long before you started seeing clearly again?
How did it affect your re-bonding with your spouse (if that's what happened)

 

I can only speak for myself. For me, the fog = infatuation without any grounds. It was a shallow, inconsistent feeling that wasn't based on the OW's character at all. It was more about me and getting adoration, approval, and attention, and whether or not that person fit into a familiar dysfunctional pattern. I realized recently that I never really understood or experienced true love until my GF. She's the one I began to learn about authentic love with (unfortunately for her). I would never have sacrificed myself for any OW, but I'd die to protect my GF. I wish I'd applied that feeling more abstractly before now and that I'd had the emotional maturity to confront the problems in our relationship constructively.
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I find this topic fascinating as whilst in "the fog" it feels so real and genuine, even for some time after. It's interesting to hear your experience of it soulpotato, but at the time of receiving all the adoration, approval and attention, was their any genuine feeling of "love"? Did it feel real at the time?

 

I find it scary! Strangely enough, I would pop in and out of the fog. It was definitely inconsistent, and I compartmentalized and was often in a dissociative state on some level. (Two things that are pretty easy for me to do: compartmentalize and dissociate.) I did think at one time that I loved two of the people I had EAs with, but I was aware of a kind of emotional dissonance, too. Like being unwilling to do or risk certain things for them, being unwilling to make promises even when asked to do so, and actively disliking them as people even in the middle of the EAs. At no time did I ever intend to leave or indicate to anyone that I would leave my GF for her. I also sometimes told them how great my GF was and how no one would ever mean to me what she did (and still does). As crazy as it sounds, I still saw myself as committed to her, and knew I wasn't going anywhere with anyone else so long as she wanted to be with me.

Being out of the fog completely now, I really don't understand what I was thinking. Even knowing how I function, I still don't know how I didn't GET it.

 

I suspect this is the case for a lot of people. The emotional dissonance is a protection against not "falling" for these women perhaps as you had no intention of leaving your GF for them. The excitement and chase and thrill of it all get out of hand and you're not thinking straight. One just goes with the moment and enjoys it for what it is (mainly the taken man in the scenario)

I would argue, that for a woman in an EA (or most women) they get attached much quicker and never really "hear" the AP and what they're saying, even if they're being honest. To the women it's, "why would he do all these things for me and risk everything he has if he doesnt love me? If I just keep trying hard enough, maybe he'll come around and choose me after all"

Does that sound familiar at all?

Did your GF find out about these EA's?

 

I definitely wasn't thinking straight, no. I got caught up in the excitement of feeling special and important, real or not.

Yes, I think that the OWs entertained the thought that I would "come around" and become available. The last one found out just how untrue that was when my GF moved out. She thought that there was no longer any "impediment" to our relationship when in fact it was my wake-up call, heralding the end of my involvement with her.

My GF was aware of all 3 EAs because I would talk to her about anyone I was talking to. She's just not aware of all the details (and doesn't want them at this time as she still has only asked me a few questions and doesn't want me to bring up the subject unless asked).

At the time, she insisted that my boundaries with these people were inappropriate, but I'm ashamed to say that I was dismissive of her concerns. I have since educated myself (and continue to do so).

 

I think the fog is basically infatuation. The "butterflies" etc..the feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship. And you THINK you're in love.

REAL love is when the the infatuation stage has passed, you've seen all their flaws, bad habits etc and yet you still know they're the one.
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I know I'm late to this party but my take is.

In love and "the fog" are the same internal feelings. BUT someone "in love" has the ability to do some external things such as:

1. Weigh consequences of actions
2. Account for other peoples' feelings
3. Understand actions have repercussions

Someone "in the fog" can't or won't do those things.

 

What's "in the fog?"

 

The fog or the feeling of being in the fog can be addictive. It's an extreme high and is intense. At the time it feels incredibly real and no matter what anyone tells you at the time, you tell yourself "they don't know how it feels". Do you think it's the memory of the feeling of the "fog" that encourages repeat affairs?

The fog is probably same as initial stages of being "in love", although in my opinion, being in love should be sustainable. The fog is based on intermittent chase, thrill and fantasy so is ultimately unsustainable. Almost like a bubble. Once the circumstances of the A change and it's not so exciting anymore with the variables of what's contained in an affair, it's very easy for the fog bubble to burst.

Some AP (especially MM) describe the fog bubble bursting as the defining moment of clarity.

Maybe that's why for some people NC is hard to achieve as they are still in the fog? Is NC merely a matter of willpower or is it heavily associated with being in the fog and not wanting the fog to dissapear as it felt so good?

 

The fog or the feeling of being in the fog can be addictive. It's an extreme high and is intense. At the time it feels incredibly real and no matter what anyone tells you at the time, you tell yourself "they don't know how it feels". Do you think it's the memory of the feeling of the "fog" that encourages repeat affairs?

I definitely think it can be addiction-driven. As you say, for some it's the "chase, thrill, and fantasy", and for others it's seeing that ultra-positive reflection of yourself from someone (as talked about in "Not Just Friends" and such).

Maybe that's why for some people NC is hard to achieve as they are still in the fog? Is NC merely a matter of willpower or is it heavily associated with being in the fog and not wanting the fog to dissapear as it felt so good?

I think it's both. It's like kicking any addiction. It can be difficult and painful initially, but much better for you in the long run as not doing so is going to hurt the people important to you and also ruin your life eventually.