Have you considered individual therapy?

There is more going on here than you are saying, perhaps? There is nothing wrong with you.. but maybe an external perspective with a pro could help root out, and perhaps rule out... some possibilities, and perhaps rule-in others..

your frustration is palpable.

 

How old are you?

 

Thank you for your reply. I can't afford therapy, and I'm not sure how much good it could actually do since I didn't have any emotional or physical trauma that makes women hate sex. I've had a very safe, normal life.

 

I'm 29.

 

You have your hands full with the house and kids. JMO I think you and hubby needs sometime away from the house. Can you get a babysitter for one night? Sometimes it helps to get out of the house. When was the last time yall had a date night? Once a week think of your h as just a sexy tall guy. See him as being a man that you want to date. Now you said he is tall and sexy (that is hot). So girl you still have it in you :smthumbup:. I think you can get past this issue.

 

Have you gone to a doctor for a checkup? That would rule out anything physical.

Also, worked for me....but hitting the gym. I had more energy, felt better about myself, and it increased my sex drive.

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Speaking as a man, I'll leave the mood boosting advice largely to the women. I would question a few things in your post though.

Firstly, don't take him offering to help you with household duties as an insult. When someone is trying to offer you a hand, that's not an insult, at least not in this case I suspect. He wants to help you with your burden, and I'm sure you'd like to help him with his work burden if you could. He's just being a nice man and husband, so don't dismiss that to much.

Second, sex for many men isn't jsut about an orgasm. If it was, why would we get married? We can have an orgasm by ourselves, with a hooker, with a one-night stand, etc... It's moreso about the emotional bond built through the physical act of sex. To me, yeah the orgasm is great, but I get just as much out of feeling my fiancees body, touching her, enjoying the fact she's opening herself -physically and spiritually- to me in a manner only me and her share. That's way more emotional than 'getting your rocks off.'

There is a reason he waits and waits for you when I'm sure he wouldn't wait and wait for someone he was just starting to date. It's because he wants YOU, not just the orgasm.

So don't resent that about him. in fact, you have more grounds to resent him if all he wanted was to get a release, not want you for you.

My only advice to you is to sit down and make a list of anything he can do (sexually or otherwise) that would make you feel good. Something that can help build up those feelings. It could be physical, such as say a foot rub, or something just for the two of you, like a dinner out or a date night. Something to build positive feelings towards him in a romantic way. Often the romantic will lead to the sexual.

Make a list of these things and let him know them. It gives you and him something to try and be positive about, and I'm sure the fact you want to try and correct this issue will go a long way to alleviating his stress and your concern over him cheating.

Good luck, and kudos to you for trying.

 

Second, sex for many men isn't jsut about an orgasm. If it was, why would we get married? We can have an orgasm by ourselves, with a hooker, with a one-night stand, etc... It's moreso about the emotional bond built through the physical act of sex. To me, yeah the orgasm is great, but I get just as much out of feeling my fiancees body, touching her, enjoying the fact she's opening herself -physically and spiritually- to me in a manner only me and her share. That's way more emotional than 'getting your rocks off.'

There is a reason he waits and waits for you when I'm sure he wouldn't wait and wait for someone he was just starting to date. It's because he wants YOU, not just the orgasm.

Well said king... I agree 100% for any women that doubt this. Maybe not all men, buts lots feel this way.

 

I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.

I work out 5 days a week, eat somewhat healthy, take my multi-vitamin and try to drink a gallon of water a day (I don't always make it, but it's a goal to work toward). I figured working out would increase blood flow and self esteem (not that I have a low self image, it's just something I read and I figured it can't hurt).

 

I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.

Tell this to your doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you have expressed here and in your first post. He11 - print it out if its hard to say it might be faster anyway.

You obviously have put enough time and thought into this. Seems to me this is not going to be 'kids' or getting to the gym for extra energy or porn or date night. Your body, as you have stated - has changed. You have gone from loving sex and 3 times a week to ...well... this.

always listen to yourself. Dont be afraid of the doctor. If you get shot down, go for a 2nd opinion.

At least it will keep you busy... like you are working the problem.

 

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you on the desire level. You are not alone!!! I think your husband needs to compromise with you right now. You are having drive difficulties so I don't think it's fair of him to expect you to downright desire sex and have to have an orgasm every time you have sex. Right now you have compromised in being willing to have sex with your husband even when you don't physically desire it. Tell him you are working on your drive and this is all you can offer right now. Tell him that you love him and that you want to make him happy. For now, that is your turn on and motivation for sex. IMO, it's just too much to feel pressured to have an orgasm every time you have sex when you are having drive issues.

I do not desire sex very frequently at all. Maybe once or twice a month when I'm ovulating. But we do have sex more than that. I try to initiate and wear lingerie even if I'm not in the mood. But if he starts hounding me to work on having an orgasm, it's upsetting. Sometimes I feel like "hey, I'm giving you all I can right now. You got your orgasm. Please be patient with me for a while."

I agree with anotherguy in seeking some counseling to see if you can sort out whether there are any underlying issues. I hope your desire (and mine) returns quickly!

 

I admire you for handeling this the way you do, youre being more than fair in my opinion. Now if I can get my wife to think like this......:scratchhead:

 

...I'm so afraid he's going to cheat on me if I can't force myself to actually like sex. He says he'll never leave, which makes me think that that will make him more likely to cheat...

Dont overthink this.. this kind of circular reasoning isnt helpful.

It sounds like you have a fairly good relationship, besides this elephant in the room. Trust what he says.

He doenst know the extent of this for you obviously. Have you thought about enlisting his help here? You shouldnt be dealing with this yourself.

Not an easy conversation to start, I imagine. Ugh.

I agree about the docs visit for a frank discussion. Hormonal changes after kids can wreak havoc - and its worth looking into.

 

I think there's a misconnection for women, in that they (as a whole, not all women though) equate an orgasm for being all a man needs or desires in sex. For many men, this isn't even half of the sexual act they desire in a marriage.

 

It almost sounds hormonal to me. As women enter their 30's their hormones begin to fluctuate. And even the pill could have done damage even though you are off of it now. Have you considered supplements to balance your hormones? If you're financially able you could go check out hormone replacement therapy to get your levels tested. A little boost of testosterone would bring you back to life.

 

Kingsfan~~ I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him. Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.

 

I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him.

Pleasing a woman IS what it's all about for a man. It's like if he took you out to a fancy restaurant because he loves you and you didn't eat.

Same concept.

 

Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.

 

Wife to wife and woman to woman, I really don't know what to tell you other than to "fake enthusiasm" for a while. I'll probably get bashed for suggesting it, but I simply do not know what to do at this point in my marriage. So I put on the lingerie, try to get in a a sexy mood, and go get my husband. Even if I don't physically want to have sex, I DO want to have sex for the sake of my marriage and because I know that it is important to my husband. Does that make any sense?

My advice? Plan ahead during the day to get yourself in the right mind-frame. Put on lingerie and go seduce your husband. Tell him you DO desire sex. He really doesn't need to know whether you are physically turned on or "mentally" turned on. My husband hasn't been able to resist me in this way, and he is definitely a more satisfied man. This is honestly the only solution I have found for now. Best wishes.

 

First, get your hormones checked. Your answer could be that simple.

Assuming your hormones are normal, then try some other things.

First, tell your husband that there is no magic bullet where you can snap your fingers and become enthusiastic about sex. It's a process that will require some bad or mediocre sex before getting better.

Second, just have more sex. Having sex can actually make you want to have more sex. So, even if it's bad, just do it.

Third, use a vibrator during sex. This will allow you to take care of your own orgasm instead of worrying about whether you will be able to climax.

Fourth, try to relax when you're having sex and not make it outcome oriented. Don't view it as two people trying to have orgasms. Look at it as two people connecting. Take your time and just have some fun. If you don't climax, you and your husband need to be OK with that.

Fifth, tell your husband that it's OK for you to occasionally make sex about him. Your drive isn't as high as his. That's fine. Even if you can increase your libido, you won't increase it all the way to his level. So, sometimes, you're just going to "lie back and think of England." If he thinks that every time you have sex, you should get worked up and climax, then he's not being reasonable. Of course, you should sometimes get worked up and climax. But, it's OK to have sex as an act of loving service to your husband.

Good luck.

 

I have tried telling him that I can't just flip a switch like he can. I've also told him that I don't care if I have an orgasm, that an O is not a sign of good sex. I don't even try for one any more. And I think he's tired of it being about him.

It's kind of sad because we actually did try the "have sex often" thing. I actually challenged myself to have sex every day for 30 days, and by day 9 he was seriously resenting that sex, for me, was just a check in the box. I told him I heard about having it more often should make me want it more often, but sadly, it didn't work. If he was open to it, I'd try this again though.

I try to imagine it as an emotional connection thing, but it's hard not to see sex as anything but a chore. I do feel connected with him when we're cuddled on the couch and talking, and sex is not cuddly. He tries, but, ugh.

 

OK, I can see I was misunderstood.

by stunned, I meant speechless. Im sad that is the best solution you have found m'lady. I wish you better than going through the motions. I applaud your resiliance in fact.

 

Actually I'm not that sad about it. It is better than feeling resentful and angry every time I have sex because I don't physically want to. There is more than one definition of "desire." Desire can also be mental as well as physical.

 

Ok, I say in general I feel connected to him emotionally, and I get my emotional connectivity "battery" recharged when we're just snuggling on the couch, talking (I LOVE having conversations with him! He's so intelligent and interesting!) about anything and everything. I don't get that same feeling during sex. At best, I feel nothing, at worst, I feel resentment (because I'm mad at myself for not wanting sex, and mad at him a little for making sex a bigger deal than I think it should be). He tries to cuddle with me during sex, holding me close and all, but still, no emotional connection. I'd rather sleep. Heck, I'd rather clean the bathroom, at least I'd have something to show for that.

The point is, I don't need sex for anything, period. I know he needs sex for that emotional thing, and I give it up whenever he wants. I'm trying to compromise in this area, but I guess it's not enough. I just wish I wanted sex.

 

I just wish I wanted sex.

To want sex, I think you have to start feeling sexy. When was the last time you felt sexy, and thought of yourself as a sexy woman? What makes you feel sexy?

Do you take time out for yourself, no kids, no husband, just you? Do you and your husband spend time together without the 4 kids? Are you in mommy mode and have let that overcome sexy mode?

I also think you have to start thinking about sex in a positive way. You've got a lot of stress and negativity around sex now. You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You're looking up "how to force myself to want sex" on the internet when you are feeling desperate about sex. Somehow, you have to find a way to replace your negative feelings with more positive ones. Sex is not a chore...sex is fun...baby steps.

Do you think you have fallen out of love with your husband?

Get yourself checked out at the doc's. Rule things out. Take that first step to start moving in a more positive direction.

 

There are lots of supplements now that can help you to increase your sex drive. You must find a way to solve this one because it is very important if you want to stay your relationship longer.

 

I don't feel sexy, BUT I know I'm pretty, if that makes sense. That thought has crossed my mind, but I figured thinking I'm pretty is good enough (better than hating myself, that's for sure!).

Twice a week I am without kids and husband for a couple hours. I have used that time to get a pedicure (once), but usually it's for running errands that are easier without kids. My family moves frequently due to my husband's job, so it take a while to find a babysitter. Right now, my husband and I only go out just the two of us once a quarter, when our church hosts a "parents' night out," or as we like to call it, affordable babysitting. There's not a lot to do in our town (well, if we were into getting drunk at the dance clubs then yes, there would be lots to do, but we are grown-ups), so we do the usual dinner and Barns and Noble. We tried staying home for the sole purpose of having sex one time, and we ended up just talking for two hours, not because I said no. No moves were made at all (this was about 6 months ago).

I recognize that my negative attitude toward sex and only really looking into fixing the problem when it's at boiling point are not helping the situation at all. But after years of having sex, I no longer consider it fun. It was so much easier just to do the same moves that guaranteed orgasm quickly that I got bored with the same-old. Then, when I would want to make things more interesting (more for my husband), the different positions wouldn't get me off and only felt kind of good, not amazing, so I would default to what worked, putting us back at square one.

I am more in love with my husband today than I was the day we were married. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't care that he needs good sex, frequent sex.

I've thought about going to a doc, but I've read many stories about how a doc would basically pat the woman on the head and say, "Oh honey, of course you have no drive! You have young children! When they're older it'll come back Don't worry your pretty little head." I'll make an appointment sometime this week, but I need a quick fix now. It's that time of the month again, where I'm searching the internet for answers to my problem (that's how I ended up here).

 

I've thought about going to a doc, but I've read many stories about how a doc would basically pat the woman on the head and say, "Oh honey, of course you have no drive! You have young children! When they're older it'll come back Don't worry your pretty little head."

You need to go in with a sense of urgency. Don't be like "well I've kind-of been having this little problem lately". Be assertive - insist that this is not some normal condition, you are troubled, and it's bad enough to threaten your marriage.

If you still get a patronizing answer (with anything medical) you need to find a new doctor. I had a child deal with cancer and saw a great deal - administrative mistakes, medication errors, bad residents (doctors in training), billing errors. People are human. And, some doctors just don't care as much as others.

I took the attitude I was responsible for my child's health, as we have to live with the situation. The doctor is the expert whom I need to guide me through the process, but ultimately works for me. And, his life will go on relatively unimpacted regardless of how my issue goes. Just as I would not listen to my boss express a concern and tell him "sh!t happens", I would not tolerate it from someone who works for me.

I'm very serious about this and kept a close eye on everything. I can give you the name of the doctor who crossed me and found out the hard way. You need to be equally proactive in getting any significant issue resolved.

 

:iagree:

 

I would say be absolutely honest with your husband... this does not mean your drive will never return.

I would want my wife to tell me straight out rather than fake it.

OP.. can you describe how not having a drive is different from before.

Being a man i'm curious what the difference is....

Is sex yucky, optional, want sleep more.

Is it like not liking chocolate later in life... what?

Be as descriptive as before and after so us guys get a grasp of what its like for women who loose the drive.

thanks.

 

I know I'm a virgin, and I have zero rights to post this:

But if you aren't enjoying sex, you're doing it wrong.

 

To the OP,

I think that, once again, this issue is being viewed in an overly binary manner by you and your husband - either you want sex or it's duty sex (a negative). He wants you to orgasm and want it or it's bad for him. You are resentful of the pressure to perform in this manner and don't want it at all.

What about a middle ground? I think your husband expecting your drive to increase spontaneously might be too much. What if you told him "at this point my body does not respond like that. But I will make love to you, how you want, because I do love you and appreciate all you do for me and our family. At the same time, know I do not like feeling this way and will do my best to resolve this issue while cheerfully meeting your need"?

I personally would have been stoked if my ex came to me like this, because it reaffirms the validity of my need and her commitment to me, while acknowledging the reality of the situation. This is really just acknowledging that "love is an act". If you really cannot get yourself to do this, I suggest you address that underlying individual issue.

 

ITW,
Hats off to you for a totally honest post.

Lets start with step 1 in this process. This isn't about "you" as in singular. It is about both of you.

Does he have an "edge" to him? Is he playfully rough with you? Does he ever wrestle with you and over power you?

Is he ever cool/reserved with you? Meaning you have no idea what he is thinking.

Is he simply "too" close to you?

Too much intimacy will kill desire faster than a speeding bullet. Too much love, proximity, kindness and sex becomes like eating a rich desert when you aren't hungry. Kind of nauseating.

This is NOT about him being a jerk or being in any way abusive. This IS about him creating a mild level of uncertainty in your mind as to what he is going to do next.

 

Do you ever have sexual fantasies...get turned on by a movie star, a scene in a romantic movie ? When you see a hot guy at the beach? What does it for you ...when was the last time you felt this rising within?

To feel like this is to feel ALIVE -- to be in touch with your sexual stirrings, it is a part of who we are, were born to be...and it moves us towards our lover - even gives us that adoring glow to be entangled with our partners, wanting to fulfill them -our highest joys is to give them this sweet pleasure... but to want it for ourselves too... oh how much this means to the man who loves us... I know for my husband... MY Pleasure IS his Pleasure... many men feel deeply about this. Only this satisfys them.

There is but one area we LIKE a little selfishness...it is in sex, we want our partners to want & be hungry for theirs- this brings a sheer burst of excitement to us, that we share this passion together. It is natural for your husband to feel as he does, it hurts him when you do not care to be there, it eats him up inside that you are repulsed by his kisses.

I know you get all of this though... I feel for you -in this way...what a dilemma ..... but I also feel for him... this is JUST as difficult on your man. Being high drive..... I would be utterly devestated if my husband lacked desire for me. I could not stomach sex where the other was just trying to please me.

l really liked what Norajane said here >>>

Feeling sexy means you're connected to the woman inside you - the woman who is about more than raising children and being a homemaker, the woman who is a sexual being.

Sex starts inbetween the ears, it is a mindset... it is passion in action. SEXY a state of mind. It is in how one FEELS around their Lover... how they make us FEEL about ourselves, our bodies... .


You NEED some inspiration deep within...something to unsettle you, bring an uprising... a STIR of your dopamine levels ...towards your husband... Read some thoughts on this thread >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-term-success-marriage/49159-keeping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html

Compliments of "ThreeTimesAlady" (below)... we all need some inspiration once in a while to MOVE us , encourage us in our darker hours....this was written AFTER menopause -where her hormones were not as in flow as us younger ladies have in reserve....but yet you can FEEL the passion as she speaks...about her man, her marraige...about Love & Sex....

Sex is desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. Sex is having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. Sex is waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. Sex is finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. Sex is turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.

Now. Love is being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. Love is having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. Love is being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. Love is being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . Love is the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. Love is being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.

....... Some good ideas here >> Secret to good sex is in your mind .....

 

:iagree:
You know you can have him whenever you want to... there's no challenge! Maybe he needs to play a bit hard-to-get to wake you up?

Having said that, I don't think a male can truly understand hormonal changes after childbirth or the pain. You might view your body parts as for a different purpose now and it can take time to see them as a source of great pleasure again.
Were the births particularly difficult? Also at 18 months is there any chance you are post-natally depressed? My wife didn't realise she was but was diagnosed in hindsight!

If sex is causing a problem, maybe find something else that gets you both close and excited together in another way. At least you keep a bond while other potential problems get uncovered and resolved.

If H focusses on how bad the sex part of your life is, it will just build resentment and will have the opposite effect to making you desire him.
I found that the less concerned I was about being needed and bringing W to O, the better it was. A sexually desprerate man with something to prove is not attractive!

In the interim he needs to accept you are in a phase where you can't give him that desire he wants from you, but the very fact you are trying to find a solution is truly fantastic. Your H should get a lot of comfort from that.

Good luck and I congratulate you on caring enough about your marriage to make this effort