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Let me start off by saying, I love my husband so much! He's tall, attractive, intelligent, sweet, cares about taking care of my needs in bed, well "endowed," an excellent and involved father, and my best friend. He regularly tells me how hot, beautiful, desirable I am. Since I am a stay at home mom, I feel it is my job to take care of the house, and any attempts by him to do any house work I take as an insult. BUT, he does help by changing the baby's diaper while I'm in the middle of, say, cooking dinner, or giving our three year old a bath while I'm dressing our youngest post-bath. We are a great team!

We've been married for 9 years, together for 10, and we have four children, the youngest being 18 months old (so sleeping through the night, not as demanding as a newborn). I am not on BC or any other medication, and he had "the procedure," so no worries about surprise pregnancies in the future.

Everything is pretty much perfect.

Now, after that big background novel, my actual problem is since the birth of our last child, my "drive" has been going down hill. We used to engage in relations at least 3 times a week (I used to REALLY like sex), now it's closer to once every three weeks, about as long as I can go without feeling bad about not having sex.

I know sex is a man's way to feel close to his wife, something about oxytocin release after orgasm, and that's fine, I know I need to have sex to give this to my husband. I don't get gushy feelings about sex. For me, it's just a more time-consuming and difficult way to reach orgasm. And considering it take so much focus and energy to convince myself to get in the mood, and even greater effort and concentration to get to orgasm once we get going, it doesn't even seem worth it for me.

My solution to my lack of drive was to have sex whenever my husband wanted to, no complaints, no excuses, just do it for him, because I love him and I want him to be happy. But it's not good enough any more. He says he wants me to enjoy it and wants me to want it. He has asked me to tell him what he needs to do to get me excited. I have no idea any more, the thought of sex period makes me feel burdened, and I feel even more turned off when he tries to get me in the mood with kissing and whatnot. I think kissing is gross. I used to only have a mild aversion to it, but now, ugh. Peck on the lips, fine, full out tongue or anywhere other than lips, eww.

The usual suggestions, porn, romance novels, etc, don't do anything for me, and I have no desire to even masturbate.

Every month, in the week leading up to when we finally have sex, I find myself searching the internet for the answer to "how do I make myself want sex," losing a lot of sleep over the stress of not wanting sex, and a LOT of crying. I don't normally cry, just when I'm feeling overwhelmed with frustration over my stupid, uncooperative body, and sometimes when I'm seriously resenting that my giving it up isn't good enough. He gets his orgasm, so why can't that be good enough!?

I'm so afraid he's going to cheat on me if I can't force myself to actually like sex. He says he'll never leave, which makes me think that that will make him more likely to cheat.

So please, can anyone tell me how to force myself to like sex again?
 

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Have you considered individual therapy?

There is more going on here than you are saying, perhaps? There is nothing wrong with you.. but maybe an external perspective with a pro could help root out, and perhaps rule out... some possibilities, and perhaps rule-in others..

your frustration is palpable.
 

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Thank you for your reply. I can't afford therapy, and I'm not sure how much good it could actually do since I didn't have any emotional or physical trauma that makes women hate sex. I've had a very safe, normal life.
 

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Speaking as a man, I'll leave the mood boosting advice largely to the women. I would question a few things in your post though.

Firstly, don't take him offering to help you with household duties as an insult. When someone is trying to offer you a hand, that's not an insult, at least not in this case I suspect. He wants to help you with your burden, and I'm sure you'd like to help him with his work burden if you could. He's just being a nice man and husband, so don't dismiss that to much.

Second, sex for many men isn't jsut about an orgasm. If it was, why would we get married? We can have an orgasm by ourselves, with a hooker, with a one-night stand, etc... It's moreso about the emotional bond built through the physical act of sex. To me, yeah the orgasm is great, but I get just as much out of feeling my fiancees body, touching her, enjoying the fact she's opening herself -physically and spiritually- to me in a manner only me and her share. That's way more emotional than 'getting your rocks off.'

There is a reason he waits and waits for you when I'm sure he wouldn't wait and wait for someone he was just starting to date. It's because he wants YOU, not just the orgasm.

So don't resent that about him. in fact, you have more grounds to resent him if all he wanted was to get a release, not want you for you.

My only advice to you is to sit down and make a list of anything he can do (sexually or otherwise) that would make you feel good. Something that can help build up those feelings. It could be physical, such as say a foot rub, or something just for the two of you, like a dinner out or a date night. Something to build positive feelings towards him in a romantic way. Often the romantic will lead to the sexual.

Make a list of these things and let him know them. It gives you and him something to try and be positive about, and I'm sure the fact you want to try and correct this issue will go a long way to alleviating his stress and your concern over him cheating.

Good luck, and kudos to you for trying.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.

I work out 5 days a week, eat somewhat healthy, take my multi-vitamin and try to drink a gallon of water a day (I don't always make it, but it's a goal to work toward). I figured working out would increase blood flow and self esteem (not that I have a low self image, it's just something I read and I figured it can't hurt).
 

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I'm pretty much in the same boat as you on the desire level. You are not alone!!! I think your husband needs to compromise with you right now. You are having drive difficulties so I don't think it's fair of him to expect you to downright desire sex and have to have an orgasm every time you have sex. Right now you have compromised in being willing to have sex with your husband even when you don't physically desire it. Tell him you are working on your drive and this is all you can offer right now. Tell him that you love him and that you want to make him happy. For now, that is your turn on and motivation for sex. IMO, it's just too much to feel pressured to have an orgasm every time you have sex when you are having drive issues.

I do not desire sex very frequently at all. Maybe once or twice a month when I'm ovulating. But we do have sex more than that. I try to initiate and wear lingerie even if I'm not in the mood. But if he starts hounding me to work on having an orgasm, it's upsetting. Sometimes I feel like "hey, I'm giving you all I can right now. You got your orgasm. Please be patient with me for a while."

I agree with anotherguy in seeking some counseling to see if you can sort out whether there are any underlying issues. I hope your desire (and mine) returns quickly!
 

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...I'm so afraid he's going to cheat on me if I can't force myself to actually like sex. He says he'll never leave, which makes me think that that will make him more likely to cheat...
Dont overthink this.. this kind of circular reasoning isnt helpful.

It sounds like you have a fairly good relationship, besides this elephant in the room. Trust what he says.

He doenst know the extent of this for you obviously. Have you thought about enlisting his help here? You shouldnt be dealing with this yourself.

Not an easy conversation to start, I imagine. Ugh.

I agree about the docs visit for a frank discussion. Hormonal changes after kids can wreak havoc - and its worth looking into.
 

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I think there's a misconnection for women, in that they (as a whole, not all women though) equate an orgasm for being all a man needs or desires in sex. For many men, this isn't even half of the sexual act they desire in a marriage.
 
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It almost sounds hormonal to me. As women enter their 30's their hormones begin to fluctuate. And even the pill could have done damage even though you are off of it now. Have you considered supplements to balance your hormones? If you're financially able you could go check out hormone replacement therapy to get your levels tested. A little boost of testosterone would bring you back to life.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Kingsfan~~ I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him. Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.
 

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I've thought about going to a dr. I've read doctors don't take this kind of thing seriously, saying, "Oh, honey, of course you don't have a drive! You have young children!" I've been putting it off.
Tell this to your doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you have expressed here and in your first post. He11 - print it out if its hard to say it might be faster anyway.

You obviously have put enough time and thought into this. Seems to me this is not going to be 'kids' or getting to the gym for extra energy or porn or date night. Your body, as you have stated - has changed. You have gone from loving sex and 3 times a week to ...well... this.

always listen to yourself. Dont be afraid of the doctor. If you get shot down, go for a 2nd opinion.

At least it will keep you busy... like you are working the problem.
 

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Pleasing a woman IS what it's all about for a man. It's like if he took you out to a fancy restaurant because he loves you and you didn't eat.

Same concept. :)
I get what you are saying, and I agree and disagree. I definitely think there is a physical "need" as well. If pleasing a woman was all sex was about, why do most men get off on pornography?
 

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Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.
 

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Kingsfan~~ I know it's an emotional closeness thing for him, which is why I give it up when he wants to without complaining or making excuses not to. But I'm still failing to understand why me giving it up isn't enough for him. Also, he does help me greatly with the kids and I thank him frequently for helping me. The housework is MY job (as well as caring for our younger children during the day), and I feel like a failure in THAT job if he tries to do any aspect of it that I just didn't get to that day. I was just trying to point out that my lack of libido was not due to lack of help around the house.
Because you aren't emotionally close.

Think of it this way. You call your friend on the phone often to talk to her. Why do you do this? Because she converses back with you and it helps form a bond that builds the relationship. You grow close through communication.

If however you called her and all she did on the other end of the phone was go "Yep," "Uh-huh", "Ok," "mmmhmmmm", and never contribute to the conversation, would you get that bond you are seeking?

No, and likely you'd also stop calling her eventually because it's just a one-sided thing in which you are participating in the act, but you feel like you are forcing the other person to do the same, she doesn't really want to be there and you are nothing but a burden and wasting your time.

Replace the phone conversation with sex and that's likely how your husband feelings, and thus why he doesn't get what he needs and it isn't enough.
 

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First, get your hormones checked. Your answer could be that simple.

Assuming your hormones are normal, then try some other things.

First, tell your husband that there is no magic bullet where you can snap your fingers and become enthusiastic about sex. It's a process that will require some bad or mediocre sex before getting better.

Second, just have more sex. Having sex can actually make you want to have more sex. So, even if it's bad, just do it.

Third, use a vibrator during sex. This will allow you to take care of your own orgasm instead of worrying about whether you will be able to climax.

Fourth, try to relax when you're having sex and not make it outcome oriented. Don't view it as two people trying to have orgasms. Look at it as two people connecting. Take your time and just have some fun. If you don't climax, you and your husband need to be OK with that.

Fifth, tell your husband that it's OK for you to occasionally make sex about him. Your drive isn't as high as his. That's fine. Even if you can increase your libido, you won't increase it all the way to his level. So, sometimes, you're just going to "lie back and think of England." If he thinks that every time you have sex, you should get worked up and climax, then he's not being reasonable. Of course, you should sometimes get worked up and climax. But, it's OK to have sex as an act of loving service to your husband.

Good luck.
 

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Momtwo4~~ He doesn't expect me to O every time, he just wants me to want sex with him (he doesn't seem to get that I don't want sex AT ALL, with anyone, not even me). I was just pointing out that everything about sex is a lot of WORK for me. Thank you for acknowledging that he should at least appreciate that I'm compromising by giving it up even when I don't feel like it, instead of just saying no all the time.
Wife to wife and woman to woman, I really don't know what to tell you other than to "fake enthusiasm" for a while. I'll probably get bashed for suggesting it, but I simply do not know what to do at this point in my marriage. So I put on the lingerie, try to get in a a sexy mood, and go get my husband. Even if I don't physically want to have sex, I DO want to have sex for the sake of my marriage and because I know that it is important to my husband. Does that make any sense?

My advice? Plan ahead during the day to get yourself in the right mind-frame. Put on lingerie and go seduce your husband. Tell him you DO desire sex. He really doesn't need to know whether you are physically turned on or "mentally" turned on. My husband hasn't been able to resist me in this way, and he is definitely a more satisfied man. This is honestly the only solution I have found for now. Best wishes.
 
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