[F-102]

She was on the road too long, resulting in too many lonely nights. Partied too much for company, drank too much, outcome too predictable. If she isn't suffering now, which I think she is, she soon will be. And that's sad too.

Chap

But the sick thing is, will she ever admit it? And if not to Sham, his and her families and friends, will she ever admit it to herself?

 

[LostJB]

F-102 : I think this is a very good point. Its about taking responsibility for where you are. Its a common theme in my couseling sessions. Even when they seem to regret what has happened, it seems a lot of spouses play the blame game, or plainly feel like this all just "happened to them". Unless they are able to take responsbility for their situation they will never be able to take control of their lives and move in a positive direction.

 

[Shamwow]

On top of that, you suddenly have to redefine Shamwow. Who is this new guy, who no longer has a devoted wife by his side, at least mentally?

Totally asking the same thing. Not because I don't feel put together right now. Just a good question.

Came home to my apt for the third straight night, and it kinda hit me that I'm essentially single now. I have my own place, and when all's said and done each day, at night it's just me. No one to bs with and relax with but me (and the dogs). Different way to live after so many years.

Gotta declare the new me I guess. Think outside the box. Hopefully I'm awesome.

Hitting the gym hard tomorrow morning, I know that much.
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[Shamwow]

But the sick thing is, will she ever admit it? And if not to Sham, his and her families and friends, will she ever admit it to herself?

Also wondering that. Hard not to. My guess is yes...eventually. But in the short term, nope. She's a new person as far as
I know.
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[AFEH]

And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them?

I was with my stbx for 42 years. We have two sons and I have an abundance of joyful and happy memories. If I suppress those good memories then I suppress the vast majority my happy life experiences from the time I was just eighteen to what I am now, 62. And sure I got hurt in that time as well, so I have both good and bad memories. So how do I handle it all?

First off I say to myself I love the woman I knew, I couldn’t love the woman she became. So in my mind I see two women and they are very distinct from one another. Like they are two different people in the same body.

I have made a video of 3,000 photos from 1968 when we first met to 2009 when we separated along with music of the times. I am able to sit back and watch that video and have it bring tears of joy into my eyes because I am thinking “I loved that woman, I couldn’t love the woman she became.”.

I hope that in some way helps you with your memories.

 

[Shamwow]

I have made a video of 3,000 photos from 1968 when we first met to 2009 when we separated along with music of the times. I am able to sit back and watch that video and have it bring tears of joy into my eyes because I am thinking “I loved that woman, I couldn’t love the woman she became.”.

I hope that in some way helps you with your memories.

This is exactly what broke me down the other night. Couple of pictures from a great vacation, all was so happy. Made me SO MAD that she could forget that, hide her growing unhappiness, and give in to some fantasy bs and step out of our marriage. All the good times, the plans for the future, all of it. Not sure if it did me good to break down over that, but I know I've been generally down since then.

I did bust my a** at the gym today, that helped some, and heading to watch the ballgame (read "watch my team lose again") this afternoon w some friends, I'll try to put this crap out of my head in the meantime. I know it's only been a couple weeks since I left, but being moved into my new place brings some stark reality to the situation. Sad thing is, I feel like I miss her. I know the "her" in my house right now wouldn't live up to the girl I miss, but I truly do miss her anyway. I miss having a partner. That's my cross to bear at the moment, I know it'll take a long time, just wish it was a year from now and I could skip this mess.

And wow, 42 years...can't even imagine, wish this stuff didn't have to happen to anyone.
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[AFEH]

You are doing absolutely the right things with the exercise. You’ve probably a lot of anger in you and it does need a release. I got two big punch bags and knocked sh!te out of them. I used the anger to get really fit. It’s good to eat well, healthy and to take care of your spirit and soul in a way that suits you.

Next time you feel the emotions coming on try thinking “This too shall pass”.

 

[sixteen miles]

Tough stuff, but hang in there Shamwow! You have been a solid rock throughout your ordeal and it will get easier, but it is only time at this point. You have to stay busy, work, the baseball, your doggies, the workouts, just keep rolling. Maybe you can even take up a hobby that you were interested in and never pursued for whatever reason, but stay moving.

I sit here myself in a apartment all alone, lonely after 35 years of marriage and if I did not have music to listen to and a real intense hobby I think I would lose it all. Football is back so that will keep me going until the end of winter.

I have a very strong feeling that the STBX is very sad right now, I feel in my heart for some reason that she now has hit the end of the ride on the "fantasy" train and it has pulled into the station. It is time to get off now and face the music that she wrote.

You will hear from her very shortly. Reality has now struck hard on both ends and it is brutal when it does.

Most of all take care of yourself!

 

[Lostouthere]

I could not even begin to imagine facing something like this after 42 or 35 years of marriage. People like you give me a reason to see things better than they are. I hate that you all are going through this after such a long time in a marriage I guess it happens at all ages. I have not been married long but it hits me hard and well nothing I can do. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if she will ever have to go through the things Im facing emotionally.

 

[Shamwow]

I could not even begin to imagine facing something like this after 42 or 35 years of marriage. People like you give me a reason to see things better than they are. I hate that you all are going through this after such a long time in a marriage I guess it happens at all ages. I have not been married long but it hits me hard and well nothing I can do. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if she will ever have to go through the things Im facing emotionally.

Thanks for the thoughts...for the record, I've only been married 6 1\2 years, together 8 1/2. I was referring to AFEH's post (42 yrs). Clearly it still bl*ws hard though, no matter the length of time. Argh.
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[Shamwow]

Tough stuff, but hang in there Shamwow! You have been a solid rock throughout your ordeal and it will get easier, but it is only time at this point. You have to stay busy, work, the baseball, your doggies, the workouts, just keep rolling. Maybe you can even take up a hobby that you were interested in and never pursued for whatever reason, but stay moving.

I sit here myself in a apartment all alone, lonely after 35 years of marriage and if I did not have music to listen to and a real intense hobby I think I would lose it all. Football is back so that will keep me going until the end of winter.

I have a very strong feeling that the STBX is very sad right now, I feel in my heart for some reason that she now has hit the end of the ride on the "fantasy" train and it has pulled into the station. It is time to get off now and face the music that she wrote.

You will hear from her very shortly. Reality has now struck hard on both ends and it is brutal when it does.

Most of all take care of yourself!

Thanks, sounds like we're in similar boats right now. How long have you been on your own? We shall see how the near future plays out. As for hobbies that I've always wants to take up...I've started boxing. Good for me, and good for if I ever accidentally run into the OM.

Other hobby I've wanted to take up is crawling into a bottle of Jim Beam, but I know that will do no good, so I've resisted that one. Beers with my buddies will have to suffice in that department.
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[Lostouthere]

Thanks for the thoughts...for the record, I've only been married 6 1\2 years, together 8 1/2. I was referring to AFEH's post (42 yrs). Clearly it still bl*ws hard though, no matter the length of time. Argh.
Posted via Mobile Device

Still that is a while. Like you said it does not matter the length I guess it still hits you hard. Too bad there is not a fast forward button for this stuff.

 

[Lostouthere]

Thanks, sounds like we're in similar boats right now. How long have you been on your own? We shall see how the near future plays out. As for hobbies that I've always wants to take up...I've started boxing. Good for me, and good for if I ever accidentally run into the OM.

Other hobby I've wanted to take up is crawling into a bottle of Jim Beam, but I know that will do no good, so I've resisted that one. Beers with my buddies will have to suffice in that department.
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Boxing would be a good hobby and like you said if you ever run across the OM but then again would it be worth it? I have definitely wanted to take up the other hobby of climbing into a bottle but as you said that would be no good. Been alot of things that have went through my mind but hey what to do.

 

[Shamwow]

Boxing would be a good hobby and like you said if you ever run across the OM but then again would it be worth it?

Probably not. Unless he acted in a way that made it worth it...
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[Lostouthere]

Probably not. Unless he acted in a way that made it worth it...
Posted via Mobile Device

I can go with that lol. Believe me I felt that way too and still do at times but you know he probably done me a favor.

 

[sixteen miles]

Sham the boxing sounds like a real grand idea and it will keep you fit and sound. Good job by you and a handy selection if you come across the OM. Judging by the support on this forum you will have a lot of folks lining up to take a good clean shot at him.

My story is way to long for any hope at this point; and hijacking threads is not my style; but thanks for asking. I have been on my own now for about 4 years and one half years when my wife took off to "take care'" of our 25 year old son who went on his own to go to college. She then decided never to return. The pain and emotional agony is hard to describe and I would like to say I feel better than I did after the first few months, but I would only be kidding myself as well as you. It hurts beyond description.

Stay busy, that is my best suggestion. if the mind wanders it causes way to much pain. The end of the day is the worst, when you pray for sleep so that your mind shuts off. I too have found solace in a bottle, but always keep it in moderation, it only leads to more pain.

Stay strong and busy that is your best course of action and I love the boxing. When you train picture, the OM'S face and you may become a champ!

 

[Mike11]

Hey Sham

It is hard for me to give you advice here, I have never been exactly the same situation that you are in right now, although I did went trough something similar in my younger years as my then Girlfriend had cheated on me and left me for another man, I remember the devastation that I went trough at the time, I can tell in certainty that you will come out of this a much stronger man.

I went trough another life altering experience which I am not really comfortable disclosing here at the moment, but that experience kept my Wife and me living together in the same house but in practice we were separated both emotionally and physically for some number of years, this was another hard experience to go trough, I went through all the emotional stages, shock, denial, anger, resentment and eventually acceptance, we were living under the same roof but no longer as an actual married couple, you can imagine the pain.

We are now both trying hard to get back to be together, it is a Work in Progress although at this moment of time there nothing is guarantied and we may end up officially divorcing.

Take it day by day, build your life again, you are young, there is plenty of time for you for a new relationship, you came out of these last 2 weeks the best as you possibly can, you sent a very strong message to your STBX and your family and friends, you may not see it that way right now but in the long run, you will rip the benefits.

Stay Strong, find yourself a circle of friends that will support you trough this, keep doing the Gym, (stay away from the bottle tough)
go out, date (but I wold not recommend getting in to anything serious at this moment of time).

I know it sound Cliche, but that works

Stay Strong

 

[F-102]

This may help, Sham: change your image. Get new clothes, new haircut, etc.

This helped me IMMENSELY when I broke up with my 1st "serious" GF some 20 yrs. ago. It made me feel like a new person, and-it opened up new opportunities (if you know what I mean).

 

[Shamwow]

This may help, Sham: change your image. Get new clothes, new haircut, etc.

This helped me IMMENSELY when I broke up with my 1st "serious" GF some 20 yrs. ago. It made me feel like a new person, and-it opened up new opportunities (if you know what I mean).

New haircut...check. New designer specs...check. New biceps and pecs...check. New clothes...some...check. The clothes are more out of necessity as I've lost a lot of weight in the last few months. Considering hiring someone to help me redesign my wardrobe once I get to my goal weight (10-15 more lbs) and start showing off the goods. I get lots of compliments these days on the new look so far...from people I know as well as being hit on by strangers occasionally when out with friends. Kinda fun. I want more of that. Keeps me walking taller.

But yeah, I wanna redesign this sucker from the ground up. Sham 2.0 in full effect. Had wanted to give that gift to my W if things had turned out differently ("wanna test drive the new Harley?"), but now she will just have to see what she is missing.
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[Halien]

Thanks, sounds like we're in similar boats right now. How long have you been on your own? We shall see how the near future plays out. As for hobbies that I've always wants to take up...I've started boxing. Good for me, and good for if I ever accidentally run into the OM.
Posted via Mobile Device

Boxing is a great hobby. I work out with heavy gloves often, and it does wonders for the delts. Just remember that as you get older, injuries seem to hurt more, so be smart. I fought alot in high school and college, but I'm referring to fist fights. Now, I support a boxing gym that des great work with kids from bad neighborhoods. I'm 46. Little over a month ago, the trainer wanted me to do a short spar with a young guy in his twenties who was really agressive, but wouldn't focus on skill. He was one of the MMA types, so no padding, light gloves, and it was supposed to be casual. I landed a couple of punches early that really infuriated him. Guess it was 'roid rage. He knocked me completely out. Got a minor crack on the orbital bone beside the eye, sprained neck vertebrae, and had to meet with a supplier CEO the next day with massive bruises and swelling. My car was rear ended a few days later - back to chiro. Long story short, make Sham 2.0 a smart Sham. Those guys with the huge muscles in the gym ARE just as tough as they seem.