[harrybrown]

How can she think she is a great mother, when she is cheating with the cook?

She is so selfish, and does not think about her kids, especially while she is with the cook.

 

[the guy]

I was thinking of doing that but if my WW knew I contacted the ex friend and still current co-worker, she'd be extremely angry and probably screw me in the D. I know that if I tell her ex friend about the A, her hatred for my WW would cause her to blab at work. I may find some useful information by talking to her but I'm trying to figure out how.

Figuring all this crap out can be a pain, but what you do have is factual evidence and you are no longer in the dark...now it just a matter of time to work a plan that will work best for you.

Me and all the other fine folks her in this community can throw out all kinds of ideas...in the end its up to you to take the emotional bull crap out and replace it with the business side of getting out of a deceitful relationship and getting out on top the best you can.

Since the women you married is no longer around its time to look at all this a a business and the best way come out ahead.

If preventing pissing off the other side will get you a few steps ahead then stay the course. On the other side of the coin if pissing her off has no effect on the division of assets...well then!

I mean is a judge going to give you less custody for confiding with your old ladies ex friend?
I thinking you already spoiled her fun and have made her life hell by no longer putting up with her crap......the way i see it she is going to be pissed off no matter what.

I do agree that its best to get some temporary court orders in place before stiring the pot like custody and division of asest and debt but after that who cares what you do that pisses her off?

 

[sidney2718]

I've called her siblings and mom but they didn't pick up. I'm thinking she might try to beat me to the punch to attempt to justify her actions to them. She may try to make me look like a monster but it won't work, she's tried in the past.

Get this, last night she did start tearing up a little bit and told me that if I truly cared about saving our marriage I should have immediately hugged her when she got home, told her I hated her for what she did but love her enough to work through it. That I wasn't saving our marriage for her reputation but because I truly wanted to and truly love her.:scratchhead:

I understand the pain you feel. But you are NOT doing the 180. You are talking to her, giving her chance after chance to rip you up some more. That just make things WORSE.

If you are ever to save your marriage, you have to hold firm. She has to come to you. You can't beg her back. You've been told this many times.

What is good is that you see your way clear to a divorce. It will hurt like hell. But unless she changes on her own you can't make her reconcile. So face it. The pain is coming.

But it will also go. You will emerge from the flames a tougher, stronger man.

 

[sidney2718]

As I mentioned before, DDay she was bawling and remorseful beyond belief. Funny how a day later she is acting like Ms. Independent and not as remorseful.

Because you shocked the heck out of her by standing up to her and not folding and crying. By the next day she'd figured that you'd not carry through.

 

[sidney2718]

Oh I'm sure but she is not the one that was scorned. She says that she'll never keep me from the kids and I do believe that because her family would not allow it. Plus she has to have a sitter because of work and school. She has no choice. She doesn't want to go to court because she doesn't want the truth to come out more than it has so she is pretty willing to let me do as I please right now.

I'm sure her family understands how she is. But they are still HER family and in the end they will be on her side. I'm not saying that they will blame you, but just as you'd be there for your kids, they will be there for her. Be prepared for this.

If in fact she breaks off with her family, why should she care what comes out? In any case be prepared for an awful battle over the divorce.

 

[the guy]

You will emerge from the flames a tougher, stronger man.

It takes fire to make steel!

 

[sidney2718]

If you recall from a previous post, the WW and her family have not talked for several weeks because of her behavior (being gone all the time, leaving the kids with me most of the time, etc.) Well he mom just called me to let me know, the WW sent her a text to apologize and to say she wants to talk.

Well I told my mother-in-law about the affair and she wasn't shocked because they suspected as much but she was disgusted that her daughter could do that. She was pretty angry so we'll see how their talk goes.

On the flip side, while I want her family to basically disown her, I know that won't happen because it just doesn't. Her family will be mad, give her an ear full but they will move on. It kills me that there are no real consequences for cheaters. The spouses that are cheated on are more often than not the ones left with the real pain. Somehow exposing doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.

There are real consequences for her. Check out some of the other threads here. She's not begun to hit rock bottom yet. After the divorce what does she expect to do for money? Where will she live? Will she have any friends? You think you have troubles now. Wait until it becomes clear to her what she's given up.

Don't worry abut the Kharma bus. It may be slow, but it is coming.

 

[sidney2718]

Yup!! I am the third. She did a procedure after we had our son so she can't have anymore kids which I think is a big blessing. Otherwise I'm sure the 4th father would be on his way soon.

I understand that you are close to all the kids, but legally, who is responsible for the two who are not yours? Did you adopt them? This is important because the court will probably not make you pay child support for them.

I suspect that you love them and do not want to hurt them. I agree with that. I'm just pointing out how bad her position is.

 

[the guy]

I may wrong but from this thread I think Mrs. SF-FAN is one not to face consequences. Maybe got the wrong thread but this chick could ...has consequences all around her yet it is someone elses fault.

I sense she could be homeless, penniless and in bad health and in the end it is "them not me"!!

I mean if having 3 different baby daddies isn't a consequence I didn't know what is, but it was the men in her life that got her prego...right?

 

[sidney2718]

You are all right. She suspects this time I am taking action and she is scared though it hasn't hit her in the face yet. As far as the children goes, unless you've been in this type of relationship, you really don't understand. I married her and her kids from the previous where 1 and 3 so I am all they know. Their fathers are dead beats and have never been in the picture. It's been almost 9 years, I hate her but I don't hate them. I will not be financially responsible for them but as a good human being that is their father, in good conscience, I can't tell them see you later it's been a good 8+ years. Their mother deserves all the bad things I can think of but they don't.

It's really hard.

Be careful with this. She may try to deny you visitation rights to the two kids that are not yours just to punish you. This is a MUST DISCUSS WITH YOUR LAWYER situation.

 

[sidney2718]

Another thing I need advice with is exposing them at work. I have to be anonymous about it because we are still in a pre-D period and I despite her being the *****, she will still have her rights and can attempt to make me pay so I don't want to make her directly angry at me. What is the best way to do it? I can't talk to her boss because he's a douche and will rug sweep it himself. Any ideas?

I really don't think you want her losing her job prior to the divorce. You gain little by exposing them at work and could lose a ton of money. Be careful!

 

[the guy]

I really don't think you want her losing her job prior to the divorce. You gain little by exposing them at work and could lose a ton of money. Be careful!

He is
OP changed his thinking on this point.
I think Bandit helped him take a second look at exposing at work.

 

[sidney2718]

The court splits the combined incomes. So if she makes more than you...she pays you up to the 50% mark.

You could actually stand to make a little extra bread by waiting for her to get that job. Just don't let on that is what you are doing.

I seem to be posting too much here tonight. But one more won't hurt too much (I hope.) My opinion is do NOT delay the divorce because she might get a high-paying job. Too many things might go wrong with you ending up screwed.

It may be that the amount you may have to pay in the future for child support can be modified by the court if she gets a decent job. I'd check with your lawyer.

And now all can breath a sigh of relief. Old Sidney is signing off for the evening.

 

[SF-FAN]

I may wrong but from this thread I think Mrs. SF-FAN is one not to face consequences. Maybe got the wrong thread but this chick could ...has consequences all around her yet it is someone elses fault.

I sense she could be homeless, penniless and in bad health and in the end it is "them not me"!!

I mean if having 3 different baby daddies isn't a consequence I didn't know what is, but it was the men in her life that got her prego...right?

You're right, no matter what happens nothing will ever be her fault. She may say she knows she messed up but in reality it's all lip service. When people hit her in the face with what she is doing wrong, she can't take it. She either brakes down crying to get sympathy or walks out. No one, not me or her family will ever get her to change. She is the only one. I have a feeling she will realize what she is losing, I just don't know when.

 

[ThePheonix]

One things that prevalent are guys wondering when their former beloved is going to realize what a mistake they made, lean their lesson, etc. Somebody tell me why that's not a waste of time or at best, wishful thinking.

 

[GROUNDPOUNDER]

You're right, no matter what happens nothing will ever be her fault. She may say she knows she messed up but in reality it's all lip service. When people hit her in the face with what she is doing wrong, she can't take it. She either brakes down crying to get sympathy or walks out. No one, not me or her family will ever get her to change. She is the only one. I have a feeling she will realize what she is losing, I just don't know when.

I wouldn't be so sure of this. I think that your stbxw is one of those people that will always have the next-in-line cued up before she is ready to leave the current guy. She won't give herself a chance to miss anything, as there's something(one) new in it's(your) former place.

And if she ever tells you down the line that she misses you, it'll more than likely only be because there's not a current, or new/next man right then. But don't worry, there will be soon.

I know how you feel. I had a hard time letting go when it was my turn at this. Your stbxw has a pattern of cycling through relationship after relationship. It's not your fault and there isn't anything that you can do to fix this. You have to worry about and concentrate on YOU now.

In stead of thinking how life with out your cheating stbxw is going to be, start wondering how life might be with a woman that's suited to be with loves and wants you for the right reasons. Not because you were the next-in-line...

 

[jim123]

SF,

You will never become the man you are while you are with her. She will always bring you down. She will always destroy your confidence.

You are going to law school. You need to become an advocate to be a great attorney. Start with yourself.


You need to get on with your life.

 

[Mr Blunt]

Three (3) strikes and you are out!!

1 I'm so deep into being co-dependent

2 …woman will never be wife material or settle down. She doesn't know how…”

3 No one, not me or her family will ever get her to change

You are out of the game of marriage right now! Get yourself ready for you to have a different life and more self respect.



Keep building yourself up WITHOUT involving her in anay way. I know that you want her to beg you for forgiveness, tell you how much she has lost by betraying you, telling you that she loves you more than anything, and everything else including kissing your arse. Spending time with those things will delay you getting better. Those things will probably be a lie coming from her now that she is feeling a bit of consequences. Even if she is telling you in all sincerity, she is way too weak to really love you.


She has a lot of baggage; she is above going into Wal-Mart she is too good for Wal-Mart yet she will drop her panties and mount some man that has never taken care of her children or supported her! She may have been a good woman at one time but right now she is spoiled goods.



SF-Fan
You are at a crossroad. You are either going to diligently work at NOT being so co-dependent or you are going to cave in and compromise because you cannot take the pain. Sorry my friend, life in the jungle can be very cruel at times and nothing we do or you can change that. What you can do is choose which you are going to be; are you going to be the lion or are you going to be Bambie?
I think you know which will survive and which one will be eaten alive.

 

[SF-FAN]

Alright so some events happened this weekend. She found a place and is basically gone. However, she said she completely acknowledges what she did was wrong and is extremely sorry and though she can't go back and change things, she is willing to make the future better.

Though we are living apart, she wants to go to MC and said she is going to continue to go to IC and wants to really try hard to get our marriage back.

There's only one reason I am willing to try this and it is so I can say I exhausted every possibility. If it doesn't work, we are already living apart and I can move on knowing I tried everything. I know I am going to get people telling me I am stupid, naive, etc., but I would be doing this more for me than her.

 

[SF-FAN]

BTW, she is looking for another job also and is being transparent with everything. And the D is still being filed. I honestly feel I have nothing more to lose.