Besides us here, who are you planning on exposing this to?

 

Honestly, I don't know. This all happened last night so I don't know what to do.

 

She'll try to downplay it, minimize it, make it your fault.. the attitude change is to feel you out, see if you beg and plead..

Let her stay out of the house.. What I did was change the locks, pack her stuff.. Take some time to read about your options.

 

Most of us thought she was cheating in your last thread. Well if she doesn't sound remorseful you may as well move on . You deserve better.

 

Yes, so did I but without concrete proof I couldn't expose her.

 

I am very sorry you are here and going through this. Its so sad that people throw there lives away doing these things.

You are right to keep her out of the house. You are going to need some time. I would start the 180 process and take time for yourself to figure out what you want to do.

The affair is probably still going on and that is why she is acting the way she is. There is no doubt this is going to be difficult for you but as yourself everyday. Do you really deserve what she did to your marraige? That will help you keep focused. Sure it hurts like hell but there is no denying what she did anymore. Get yourself Into counseling as soon as you can.

You need to put more focus on you and less on her know. Its her job and I repeat HER JOB to fix this. Not yours. You did not force her to cheat. Its not your fault. She either does all the work or you just simply move on and file for divorce.

There are a lot of people on this site that would say just start filing and honestly that might be a good idea. You can always stop it if you want to R. When she gets served It will bring this all into perspective for her.

If the OM is married I would expose him and her to there work place and to his wife as soon as possible.

Your response to this is key. If you want respect you are going to have to demand at this point. Take nothing less.

Clay

 

Things have been cold for a while so for all I know she might have been planning to leave me for the OM. I don't know. Maybe she feels that if she weathers the storm, she'll get what she wants which is to not be with me and be with him.

I'm not begging her at all. I told her I don't know what I want. Inside I want to work things out and for things to be better but why? Why do I want to do that with someone that did that to me and our kids?

 

You want to do it because you love her, and you realize all you stand to lose. The time with your kids will be halved at best more than likely, and you might have to relocate, lose lots of money with D fees, etc. Family support may be lost. It is the uncertainty of the future for you. You now face starting over again and with the fear that the next person may be as callous and hard hearted as to do the same to you. Once is bad enough. These are things we all have to face.

Hang in there. Sorry for your pain, but at least now the questioning is gone as you know at least some of the truth that she has cast doubt upon and made you feel like a fool for suspecting.

 

Hi SF

I remember your original posts and your suspicions. I am sorry you are here. It is hard to know where your head is at for the first few days... let alone her head.

So, what to do. This is Foghorn-approved advice only, your mileage may vary. You may or may not want your wife back in your life, but at this point, let's operate like you do.

1) Does she feel real remorse? Or just upset at getting caught? We don't know and right now it doesn't matter. Does POSOM have a wife or girlfriend? Expose her affair, and do it right now. Warn no one. Tell your parents, her parents, your work, (her work?) and above all POSOM's significant other why she moved out. That she cheated. That she is living elsewhere as you are estranged due to her affair. Nuke this $hit sky-high.

2) Go dark. You need to sort out your own thoughts, feelings, get adjusted to your situation. Take good care of your kids and yourself (food, sleep) but for a 3-4 day period or even a week, I recommend communication with her be limited to texting about the kids. ONLY about the kids. Do not be drawn into discussions about love, marriage, forgiveness, blame, sex, families, divorce, or the NE Patriots. Only speak of the kids. She made this pot of stew, let her sit in hit BY HERSELF with her own poison thoughts.

Biatching, complaining, moaning, expecting someone else to "fix" things, those are PRIVILEGES of marriage that she forfeit when she farked someone else. Don't speak to her. Let her sit.

3) Find a dad-friendly lawyer and initiate divorce proceedings. This should shock her into either true remorse or tell you once and for all if she's done with the marriage. If you decide to reconcile, you can withdraw the divorce.

4) See your doctor and/or counselor for an appointment. You need face to face support that we can't give. Don't tell me you are one of these guys who never goes to the doctor. This situation is an exception. You are in shock, you need outside opinions, care, maybe even something to help you focus and sleep. It is ok, that part gets better.

My sympathies. Take care and keep in touch.

-FH

 

start the 180 now this is for you. sometimes it brings the wayward spouse back, if you want that but it is mainly for you.

I would expose even if you D, This can also kill the affair and help bring her back again if you want that. The exposure of the Affair is supposed to help you even if you D.

 

1) Before you decide if you want to R, you need proof that she is no longer involved with anyone. She must provide this to you by giving you access to every facet of her life - computer, accounts, emails, phone, texts, everything. And not after she has a chance to delete anything either. Ask for her phone with your hand out, and if she refuses you know she's still hiding something. Ask for her email password, get it at once, then sit right down and have a look at her email - inbox, sent items and deleted items. You'd be surprised what they forget to delete. Once she does all this you may want to monitor her without her knowing.
2) She and you should be tested for STD's. She should provide results to you in writing, or take you to the appt to get them so you can hear it right from the dr.
3) You need to take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise. Force yourself if you need to.
4) She should be falling over herself right now to prove to you she's worthy of R. If she isn't, tell her not to bother coming home and file for D. She DOES NOT get to tell you what is needed here. She DOES NOT get to just not talk about it. She should be asking you what YOU need and giving it to you ten times over. You should be able to ask her ANYTHING and get a remorseful, contrite, TRUTHFUL answer. Beware of trickle truth though. She will only admit to what you have evidence of.
5) If the OM is married, expose the affair to his wife

 

I have to look the 180 up again, it's been a while since I've been on here. How does anyone function feeling like this? I am existing but I don't feel like I am living.

 

SF- Oh without sounding heartless. We all understand only all to well what you are going thorough, and more importantly so sorry you are here with us.

Dont let depression get the best of you, as it can take on a life of it's own, as I know, as I sounded, and ask questions of these as you are asking. I swank really low, seriously scared myself & others, with real worries for my safety.

Reach out for people who care for you, don't isolate yourself too much as the pain and hurt will compound and those very scary thoughts can start to sound better than the pain we're in.

Hang in there. Stay on this site. These really good people will help you through...

~sammy

 

Well, what i did was drink a lot. Don't do that, it did not help.

Is she still in the affair?

 

Well, what i did was drink a lot. Don't that it do not help.

Is she still in the affair?

This... Don't drink.

 

She is not sure because she spent last night with this other man.

If you want her back you need to stop the affair first. A visit to the OMs house will work wonders.

In fact, I would do that anyway - just to show who's boss. If you didn't want her back, she would then have nobody. Haha.

Next follow the advice above, but first - stop the affair.

 

I remember your anguish.

Isn't it time to change your game? I would be done with her, and move on.

Marriage is difficult, at times, but it is not supposed to be an emotional hell.

Listen to what you are saying. I would end the pain and chalk it up to experience. Marriage should be a solid commitment to benefit both spouses. Your description of what you currently have falls short of this.

Good luck. Hope to hear better news in the future!

 

Agreed in full, and hi Truck!

 

She left for the night. Very good chance om made her feel much better last night

Without true remorse which she doesn't appear to have. I don't see that you have any real option aside from d.

Get tested for stds.
The only thing you can be certain about is that she will lie as much as she can to you.

Is om married
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I would wonder where she spent the night last night and if this affair is still going on, a co-worker sounds like she still sees him maybe that's why the change in her attitude today she was with him last night.

Start taking care of the finances to protect the money, take care of the kids (questions they may have need answers) and finally and most important take care of yourself.

You have been here for awhile so you know she will try to place the blame on you and what to look for if she takes this underground. Maybe early to commit to R but if she has any hope of it she needs to start with transparency and the whole truth.

Just because she is out of the house doesn't mean she isn't responsible for taking care of the kids and her part of the bills.

I wish the best for you in this hard time.

 

I don't know if she is still seeing him, I don't know what she truly wants, I really don't know anything except for that fact that I am hurting more than I've ever hurt before and it's hard to not want to talk to her and make things better.

 

You are in the conundrum that faces most BHs, your source of comfort is the same person that causes your pain.

You need to find a different source of comfort. Not in a bar. Not in a drink. A good friend or family member that has your back. Don't use a possible friend that could wind up as a new partner for you.

Do not seek comfort from her. She is not in a position to offer you what you seek.

 

Oh yes the finances take care of them. Today

yes it does hurt.

you go to the OM house and talk to him. and I don't mean a nice chat.

this shows him you know where he lives.

i did this it worked and it showed my wife i was willing to fight for the marriage, although that was not my direct intention. It gave her an ego trip and that was not my intention either.

Is he married or does he have a girlfriend?

 

She called from her friend's house last night and said I could talk to her. Aside from calling her friend and asking, I don't really have any way of knowing where she stayed. Who knows her friend might cover for her.

The OM is not married, he was a while ago but from what I know his wife divorced him probably for cheating and being a piece of sh*t.

 

The OM is not married, he was a while ago but from what I know his wife divorced him probably for cheating and being a piece of sh*t.

Just how do you know this?

 

You have said that your WW had an affair four years ago and lied like a champ about it even when you confronted her with evidence. She broke down and admitted it when she absolutely had to. And you've been posting that she is cold to you and has been for the last year.

She was with the OM the whole time she was cold - at least. She is still almost certainly in her affair with him.

This is terrible for you, I know, but you absolutely need to get some perspective apart from the pain you feel. So..force yourself to implement a 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Your WW is a consummate liar with words. Her actions, her sneakiness, purposeful lying, and coldness paint the bigger and truer picture. Do the 180 and get some distance so you can see this picture much more clearly.

 

Thanks for posting that. I will start the 180 immediately. The trouble I've always had and still do is the fact that she is an attractive girl that will probably have tons of guys ready to step into my position and I on the other hand am average looking at best and feel I will have trouble finding anyone much less as attractive as her.

Additionally, though it's already happened, the thought of another guy having sex with her absolutely devastates me. The mind movies are on overdrive right now.

And lastly, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so it is hard for me to act like nothing is wrong especially now, one of the hardest times in my life.

 

Doesn't sound like she cares.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I don't know where the OM lives but I did send him a text to tell him I found out what they did and that he and my wife are scum. Told him to stay away from my family. He will either text back with something disrespectful or not text back at all.

I am angry but the pain is making me weak. I am going to implement the 180 and am doing so now. Trust me, I feel like calling/texting her and spewing the anger I feel but I'm not.

 

There is no point in calling/texting her. She will just see that as being weak.

Either do something or prepare for a rough ride.

There are all sorts of ways of finding someone's address. I paid for an electoral roll search in the rough area to find the POSOM's address.

Pain can make you feel weak, but allowing yourself to sink further into a depression is debilitating. Use your anger to take action.

Throw her stuff out - you can't lock her out although you can make it difficult for her to get in (lock the doors so she has to request to come in but don't prevent her from entering the property).

Box her stuff up that you haven't thrown out.

Show that you are serious. Doing the 180 is meaningless at the moment, it is a medium to long term move when you need short term action.

 

If I remember right, isn't this her SECOND A in the past 4 years?

SF-Fan,

She is a serial cheat. Its who and what she is and always will be.

She has no remorse for what she has now put you through TWICE.

You need to D ASAP....you deserve better.

 

And as far as transparency, she has NOTHING to say about it. You TELL her that you require it. If she does not comply, tell her to pack her bags and move out for good.

Seriously dude. Grow a backbone here, please???

 

I demanded that but she didn't say o.k. and left shortly thereafter. I intend on showing her how big my sack is, trust me. If she does not agree to transparency from here on out, there's nothing to work on.

 

No offense meant, but you have been and are too "soft" with her. She doesn't respect you and looks at you as weak. What you see as loving and forgiving she sees as weakness and desperation to keep her at all costs. She has no doubt you will stay as long as she wants you to. She just does not wsnt the bad rep of a cheater, maybe some financial issues, too, but she is not worried about you or the kids. You are all broken up that your marriage might end, but she is in no hurry to fix things up. She knows you won't dump her and even if you did, it's not that big a deal to her.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Yes I agree with everyone that says that I've been too soft. I have, I am a forgiving and nice person, I hate that. I wish I was more cold hearted like her. Every time I think of what she did or her and the POSOM gone for the weekend, the anger comes back though. I'm not laying down this time. I don't deserve to get treated like that.