[Initfortheduration]

The first thing to do is conatct the wife and see what falls out of the tree. I would bet your wife is holding out hope for her and OM if not still having a full blown affair. A golden rule in breaking up an affiar is absolute no contact and outing the affair to the OM'wife. Almost every time, but not 100%, the OM will throw the your wife under the bus to save his marriage and keep his family together. Men have affairs for sex. Women,usually, for emotional reasons.

Its hard to believe he was attracted to a married, pregnant woman for sex. Affair has probably been going on longer than that.

If you can, get a phone number for the OM. A good source is spokeo.com.

If you have to , message her on facebook but that may be intercepted. The best thing is to go see her and take proof of emails texts etc.

Gotta confess, my pregnant wife was a major turn on.

 

[Chaparral]

Gotta confess, my pregnant wife was a major turn on.

LOL, thats normal but do you go around lusting over other pregnant women. When I see a pregnant women my thoughts run to how they must be feeling. Sore feet, back hurts, clothes don't fit, what food she's craving. Stopping before I get flamed.

 

[Chaparral]

Don't commit to anything with your wife at this point. For one thing if the marriage is to succeed she can no longer work with the other man. I wouildn't bring this up until serious reconcilliation talks are underway.

 

[Will_Kane]

HusbandSeekingAdvice,

Since you discovered your wife's affair, you have acted completely normally for a husband who is desperately afraid of losing his wife, breaking up his family, and visiting future pain upon his young child. Which is to say, you have done almost nothing right to break up the affair and save your family.

Posters here are going to be hard on you. Blunt. They are trying to jolt you out of your fog. We are all on your side. We are trying to help you.

It is not too late for you. Realize first that no matter what you do, there is a fairly good chance this will eventually end in divorce. The way you are going now, a divorce is almost inevitable.

If you want to save your marriage and your family, your wife must tell you the truth, must agree to no contact with the other man, must be transparent to you by giving you passwords and access to all her accounts and communication devices, and must show remorse. She should be trying to win you back, not the other way around.

As far as the truth goes, you do not have it. You will know you have it when it makes sense. Her story does not make sense. It is very, very, very highly unlikely that the other man began an affair with a pregnant woman. Go back over the details with your wife. If you are too close to the situation and can't figure out truth from fiction, post the details here, we will tell you when you are getting the truth.

Also, the truth is that she almost definitely still is in the affair. What has happened to make her give it up? You found out, but life goes on as normal for her. She sees the other man at work daily. For heaven's sake, you have even detected that they've contacted each other outside of work since this all blew up. Your wife and other man can't help themselves, they can't even hide it well.

As far as no contact goes, it should be absolutley no contact. She must agree to leave her job. She should begin looking for a new job immediately. She must allow you to monitor her accounts and devices. You must expose to the other man's wife. Most likely, other man will then throw your wife under the bus and other man's wife will help you ensure no contact. I would consider exposing to her family and your family. Their disapproval of her behavior will make the affair much less fun and exciting.

Finally, remorse means she is sorry for what she did and shows it. She should be trying to win you back, willing to tell you all the details, having sex with you if you want it, showing affection and love to you, and not begrudgingly.

These are the conditions you should give to her: truth, no contact, transparency, remorse. You should tell her if she doesn't agree to these conditions, you will file for divorce. Then you must do it. You can always stop it in the future if you change your mind. At least, you will know how much she values your relationship. If she is unwilling to commit to your marriage, better that you find out now than to drag it out for months or years.

Understand that you have been such a doormat for so long, that she will not agree to your conditions, she may not agree to a single one. She has been able to manipulate you and get what she wants from you so easily, for so long, you will have to file for divorce to wake her up and let her see you're serious.

Her view of you is that no matter what she does, you always will take her back. She can continue with the other man as long as she wants because she is sure that you will always take her back.

 

[Posse]

Thanks to you all for the advice.

Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.

1. We've been married for 8 years and she's the only woman I've ever had a real relationship with. I was 21 when we met. I'd never contemplated any scenario where we're not married when one of us dies.

You need to start contemplating. You have a lot of catching up to do, so put it in high gear. I know, it isn't what you want to hear, but it is what it is....

2. We share a lot of common interests. I always considered her my best friend. Most weekends we're together 24/7. We enjoy great vacations together and my only compliant about the sex was it was only ever on weekends and most of the time I had to initiate it.

She hasn't considered you her best friend. Best friends don't do what she did to you.

3. I have wanted to be a father and start a family for several years now and the idea of throwing away what I have longed for just a few months after I getting it has been very hard to accept.

You will always be a father. You should have at worst 50/50 physical access to your child.Don't try to cover your fear of being alone with excuses.

4. I love our child and am terrified of not having access to him when ever I want (even if it's not mine).

You don't have access to your child when you are working, or when you are sleeping. In reality you don't have 100% access now. Get with reality.

5. I didn't expose the A to anyone initially because I figured we'd never be able to R if everyone we know hated her. I figured I could carry whatever pain lingered inside for the "greater" good of our families.

How did that work out for you...

6. I was more willing to forgive when I first found out because she blamed the A and her massive fear of having a child and getting old. She's said for years she's afraid of it. We found out she had a thyroid condition which she says is what pushed her into being "ready" to have a child and that's when we started trying to get pregnant. I know this is true as I went to all the doctor appointments with her.

She can blame the Affair on death rays from Mars if she so chooses. It is still a bullsh@T excuse. There is no justification for what she did.

7. I've been successful in almost every part of my life (academics, career, etc), and I think I'm afraid to let the world find out I failed at something (my fault or not). For some reason women have always been my area of least confidence in myself.

You didn't fail. She failed. You are a failure if you continue to put up with this behavior.

I've also been under tremendous stress at work and with the new baby felt I could only handle so much change at once. I felt that exposing it would be far more dramatic and distracting that dealing with it privately.

How is that choice working for you?

I know few of these reasons mean much now, but I feel I have to explain why I've made so many of the classic mistakes.

Good. You realize it is time to stop making the classic mistakes. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result.

I probably come across as a huge emotional wimp that has shared in too many chick flicks. All I can say is I'm a "family first" kind of guy that values family and believes divorce is too common. My parents have been together nearly 40 years (as have my wife's). I know we're not all perfect and that mistakes happen over a long life together, but I also question how much forgiveness should be granted.

So you don't mind if she keeps on sleeping with other men for the rest of your life then?

After spending hours the last few days reading about how to "Man up", I realize I've allowed so many of my insecurities to dominate my actions. Already I'm feeling stronger realizing how much I have to offer a woman and questioning why I should want to stay with my WW.

Good!! You shouldn't even be questioning it. You should be gone. Questioning is a good start, however.


I've been inspired by what I've read on this site to take control of my life and live by the principles I believe in.

I will not show fear, sadness, or desperation.
I will not reach out to my wife or seek her affection. She will come to me for it.
She will initiate all calls/texts.
I won't say "I love you".

I will start by telling the OMW with no warning. How should I do it? I don't know her that well and only know how to contact her through FB? Should I get her to meet me so we can talk in person? She lives an hour away from me.

How do I find the courage to do the paternity test? I love my child so much already and am scared I'll love him less if I find out he's not mine. My gut says he is, but I suppose I'll always wonder if I don't.

Don't overthink it. Just do it. I know you are scared of finding out something you don't want to know, but wouldn't you rather know the truth than wonder for the rest of your life?

I am sorry you are in the position you are. You are in a club that nobody wants to be a member of. You didn't join it by choice. Your wife made you join it.

Regardless of how you came to join the club, now that you are a member, you need to Cowboy up. You have a lot of excuses you are using to try to explain away your fear of change.

When things are horrible enough, sometimes any change is better than the status quo...........

 

[warlock07]

Please take the advice here. You have a very low chance of having your marriage back. What you are doing will definitely won't work.