[morituri]

About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.

Since then I feel the power balance has shifted. Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.

Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.

The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.

I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.

So how do I proceed from here?.

Your actions post D-day have sexually devalued you in her eyes. By not respecting yourself, she has lost what little respect she has in you. She does not appreciate you because nobody can appreciate that which cannot be lost.

I highlighted your comments above for a reason. They demonstrate that she has emotionally detached from you and is considering leaving you. I hate saying this but in cases like yours, the best thing a man can do is to file for divorce and move on.

 

[Toffer]

Agree with all others here

Seperate finances
Get tested (STDs)
Dna for baby
Tell other man's wife (wouldn't you want to know?)
Out her to familly

Get moving!

 

[Kallan Pavithran]

Agree with all others here

Seperate finances
Get tested (STDs)
Dna for baby
Tell other man's wife (wouldn't you want to know?)
Out her to familly

Get moving!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Where this husband had gone? troll

 

[happyman64]

Not only is everyone right but I would go thermonuclear on her!

The level of disrespect she has shown you before, during and after her pregnancy is astounding.

My man, this is not a woman you really want to be with for the rest of your life.

And I think Mori is right. She is planning on leaving you.

Secure your personal finances.
Let the OM's wife know without any warning. Bring evidence to show your info is concrete.
Go see an attorney to know your rights.
Let both of your families know what she has done.
Get a DNA test done.

No rug sweeping. Get your balls back now and act. You have already wasted 2 months and from what you have told us it sounds like their A is still going on.

Do not settle for 2nd best.

 

[lordmayhem]

2 months ago I found out my wife was having a PA with a married man at her work. I had little "hard evidence" other than phone records, but when I confronted her about it she admitted to it rather quickly. The hardest part of all this is at the time I found out, she had just given birth 2 months prior to our first child. The affair began after she got pregnant. The EA started before however.

Look at that math here! I definitely agree with Entropy3000, you must have the child DNA tested because there is a strong possibility that OM is the father. Affair sex is almost always unprotected sex. I have a thread about it. The lack of protection adds to the sexual thrill of the affair. I know its crazy, but this happens all the time.

After a difficult weekend of us experiencing all the emotions you can imagine, she called the OM and told him it was over. I was on the call as well and told him if he cut off all contact with my wife, I wouldn't tell his wife.

The good thing was that you were there for the NC phone call. The bad thing is that you said you wouldn't expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW). In effect, you gave him a pass for banging your wife? Oh hell no.

My belief was telling the OM's wife would run the risk of pushing him and my W closer together. I also figured the less drama and "spreading the gossip" that occurred the better chance we'd have to repair our marriage.

No. What you need to realize about affairs is that you have already emotionally lost your wife. It's up to her to come back, and she won't come back as long as she's in the affair. Exposure is the single greatest tool in killing an affair. What happens the vast majority of the time when you expose the affair to the OMW, is that the OM will throw your WW under the bus in an effort to save his marriage. OM just wants to bang your wife, he doesn't really want to be with her. He will be too busy trying to save his own marriage, especially if he has kids.

I know TOM's W and I actually wanted to spare her the pain I was going through since I figured she was probably happy with her life as I was mine.

You may think you're being gallant, but in actually, it's really selfish. You did not damage her marriage, her husband and your wife did. She has the RIGHT to know what kind of man she's married to and she has the RIGHT to determine the course of her marriage. In other words, it's the RIGHT thing to do morally. If the situation was reversed, I'm sure you would like to know. How would you feel if you found out that the OMW knew all this time and didn't tell you?

During this time, I never seriously considered us getting divorced, I just wanted to figure out why this happened and how to forgive and move on for the sake of our new family. We had sex several times during this period. We actually continued to live life almost as if nothing had happened, only we were both sad/depressed about what had been "lost".

In other words, you did this:

It doesn't work this way. For one thing, she never suffered any consequences for her behavior. A lack of consquences equals no incentive to change. She either takes the affair further underground or she eventually have a new lover.

The other thing is that when you rug sweep, resentment builds within you. Here you are, suffering from the agony of betrayal, and she goes on as if nothing happend. She got to cheat, and you suffered the pain. Yes, the resentment will build up and build up until one day it comes out.

About 3 weeks ago, I got upset with her about why I always had to convince her to have sex, while she was out getting it from someone else. She told me she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. This hit me pretty hard and then I found myself working to improve my appearance and being more helpful around the house (and I was already very helpful) in a needy attempt to be more attractive.

Because she's still in the affair obviously. OM works with her, therefore she CANNOT GO NC. As long as they can even see each other, the affair is still on. One of them MUST quit their job, there is no other way around this. Ask the others here who's wives had workplace affairs. TheGoodFight is a good example.

Since then I feel the power balance has shifted.

It's not about power or controlling. Marriage is walking down the road of life together as equal partners.

Because of the counseling, she's started to ask if we're really meant to be together anymore, suggesting we might not be sexually compatible. I made the classic mistake (based on what I've read on this site) of suddenly appearing that I was afraid of losing our relationship. I told her I wanted to forgive her and move on like it didn't happen. She said she wasn't sure. Her "I love you"s became less frequent and I called her out on it and she got upset.

Yes, you did make the classic BS mistake by being needy and desperate to R. You cannot rug sweep this.

Last week she said she think we might need to split because she doesn't think she can meet my needs emotionally. That she's grown cold inside. I turned into a big wimp, started crying, telling her I didn't want to lose my best friend and soulmate. That I can't picture life without her. I had to leave for work so I told her we'd speak no more of it then and separating hasn't come up again since.

Then you tell her that you will pack her bags and drop her off at OM's house. I'm sure the OMW will love that. DO NOT cry in front of her and beg her again.

The last week or so has been "comfortable", but I still feel like her walls are up. She never says I love you unless I say it first. She initiates very little physical contact. She has started saying things like she wants passion in her life and time to find herself.

Because the affair is still on. She wants to find herself? That's a classic cheater line. Let her go.

I just found this site yesterday and I read a lot of the advice about how to "Man up" and I found I'm guilty of so many of the things that make men become unattractive to their wives. Since reading the "Man Up" section yesterday, I haven't told her "I love you" as I'm trying to see if she'll say it first. I haven't touched her sexually and have keep my contact very casual and rare. Just enough so she won't think I'm mad or moody.
I'm trying to prove to her (and myself) that I don't NEED her.

Do the 180. Follow the newbie link for the guidelines to the 180. The 180 is NOT a tool to manipulate her into coming back. It's a self empowerment tool that helps you detach from her so that you will have the strength to move on, with, or without her.

So how do I proceed from here? She knows I can be a moody person so she may perceive my lack of contact/sexual advances as me being mad when I want her to see it as me re-asserting my own confidence in myself and other interests than her.

First off, stop the sex. You need to get tested for STDs, and tell her that you are getting tested. Now you must expose this affair to their HR department, one of them must leave the job, otherwise, NC can never take effect.

Has she lost respect for me because of the way I handled the affair?

Yes. You reacted the way many BSs do, you became needy and desparate. You begged, cried, and pleaded, and rugswept. This makes you look very beta in her eyes and unnattractive. At this point, the OM is very alpha and takes what he wants and suffers no consequences. He looks very attractive.

Do I need to bring up the idea out of the blue that I'm going to tell the OM's wife?

The first rule of exposure is NEVER WARN ANYONE THAT YOU WILL EXPOSE THE AFFAIR. Remember that. What happens is that your WW will warn the OM to protect him. Then OM will spin his own story to his BW. He will say that you are crazy with jealousy over nothing and out to destroy their marriage and not to listen to anything you have to say.

I glanced at her work email the other day and discovered their is some contact there that's not completely restricted to work talk? That alone is grounds for me to tell TOM's wife based on our prior agreement.

So you know that she has broken NC. So now is the time for consequences. If you can, tell her to GTFO. Legally you can't, but most people don't know that. Most people take it for granted that they have to leave the house if their spouse tells them to. She wants to find herself? Drop her off at OMs house. Star separating your finances. Lawyer up and have her served. She's deep in the fog, and getting served divorce papers is a good tool in kicking them out of the fog. The divorce process takes so long, that you can cancel or delay them at any time. You can use this period as the grace period to see if R is even possible.

But your first priority is killing this affair! Expose the affair to the OMW. Lawyer up! Do the 180!

 

[AngryandUsed]

Mori and Lord Mayhem are on the dot.

Thanks Mori and LM. You guys make us see!

 

[GTdad]

As opposed to lesser grief living with a cheating wife?

If that's in response to me, I think you misunderstood just about everything I said.

 

[naperken]

What everybody above said, plus read Athol Kay's 'Married Man Sex Life Primer'. (looked for previous references in this thread and didn't see any).

This will lay it out pretty bluntly how and why everything you're doing is absolutely wrong and, if she's not too far gone, a plan to get her back.

Seriously, if it wasn't for that book, my wife's affair may still have been over, but I would have been on the slow crawl to separation/divorce.

 

[Wolfgar]

lordmayhem you sir are a genius when it comes to affairs. I only wished I had taken your advice when I first found out. I think it's natural for most BS to make these kinds of mistakes. Their so afraid to lose what they have, and they beg and plead in an attempt to save it. Unfortunately, it does the opposite and makes things so much worse.

 

[Chaparral]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Where this husband had gone? troll

Quit accusing people of being a troll, its rude behavior.

 

[Beowulf]

A woman who is pregnant will generally have sex with the father of her child. OP, who was she having sex with while pregnant? Not you right?

She is not going to recommit to the marriage because she has committed the ultimate betrayal. But you already know that don't you?

 

[HusbandSeekingAdvice]

Thanks to you all for the advice.

Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.

1. We've been married for 8 years and she's the only woman I've ever had a real relationship with. I was 21 when we met. I'd never contemplated any scenario where we're not married when one of us dies.

2. We share a lot of common interests. I always considered her my best friend. Most weekends we're together 24/7. We enjoy great vacations together and my only compliant about the sex was it was only ever on weekends and most of the time I had to initiate it.

3. I have wanted to be a father and start a family for several years now and the idea of throwing away what I have longed for just a few months after I getting it has been very hard to accept.

4. I love our child and am terrified of not having access to him when ever I want (even if it's not mine).

5. I didn't expose the A to anyone initially because I figured we'd never be able to R if everyone we know hated her. I figured I could carry whatever pain lingered inside for the "greater" good of our families.

6. I was more willing to forgive when I first found out because she blamed the A and her massive fear of having a child and getting old. She's said for years she's afraid of it. We found out she had a thyroid condition which she says is what pushed her into being "ready" to have a child and that's when we started trying to get pregnant. I know this is true as I went to all the doctor appointments with her.

7. I've been successful in almost every part of my life (academics, career, etc), and I think I'm afraid to let the world find out I failed at something (my fault or not). For some reason women have always been my area of least confidence in myself.

I've also been under tremendous stress at work and with the new baby felt I could only handle so much change at once. I felt that exposing it would be far more dramatic and distracting that dealing with it privately.

I know few of these reasons mean much now, but I feel I have to explain why I've made so many of the classic mistakes.

I probably come across as a huge emotional wimp that has shared in too many chick flicks. All I can say is I'm a "family first" kind of guy that values family and believes divorce is too common. My parents have been together nearly 40 years (as have my wife's). I know we're not all perfect and that mistakes happen over a long life together, but I also question how much forgiveness should be granted.

After spending hours the last few days reading about how to "Man up", I realize I've allowed so many of my insecurities to dominate my actions. Already I'm feeling stronger realizing how much I have to offer a woman and questioning why I should want to stay with my WW.


I've been inspired by what I've read on this site to take control of my life and live by the principles I believe in.

I will not show fear, sadness, or desperation.
I will not reach out to my wife or seek her affection. She will come to me for it.
She will initiate all calls/texts.
I won't say "I love you".

I will start by telling the OMW with no warning. How should I do it? I don't know her that well and only know how to contact her through FB? Should I get her to meet me so we can talk in person? She lives an hour away from me.

How do I find the courage to do the paternity test? I love my child so much already and am scared I'll love him less if I find out he's not mine. My gut says he is, but I suppose I'll always wonder if I don't.

 

[HusbandSeekingAdvice]

A woman who is pregnant will generally have sex with the father of her child. OP, who was she having sex with while pregnant? Not you right?

She is not going to recommit to the marriage because she has committed the ultimate betrayal. But you already know that don't you?

We had sex while she was pregnant.

 

[HusbandSeekingAdvice]

I understand and agree with the idea of exposure (first and foremost to the Other Man's wife) to yank the princess sparkle pony element out of the affair, but I'd exercise caution on this part. What if the situation ends in divorce? Many do. Having an unemployed wife may well effect the financial split, alimony, and possibly child support. May be a case of short-term gain and long-term grief.

This is a concern to me as well, but few here seem to agree with you.

 

[Chaparral]

Thanks to you all for the advice.

Let me address some of the questions about why I'd even WANT to stay with my wife.

1. We've been married for 8 years and she's the only woman I've ever had a real relationship with. I was 21 when we met. I'd never contemplated any scenario where we're not married when one of us dies.

2. We share a lot of common interests. I always considered her my best friend. Most weekends we're together 24/7. We enjoy great vacations together and my only compliant about the sex was it was only ever on weekends and most of the time I had to initiate it.

3. I have wanted to be a father and start a family for several years now and the idea of throwing away what I have longed for just a few months after I getting it has been very hard to accept.

4. I love our child and am terrified of not having access to him when ever I want (even if it's not mine).

5. I didn't expose the A to anyone initially because I figured we'd never be able to R if everyone we know hated her. I figured I could carry whatever pain lingered inside for the "greater" good of our families.

6. I was more willing to forgive when I first found out because she blamed the A and her massive fear of having a child and getting old. She's said for years she's afraid of it. We found out she had a thyroid condition which she says is what pushed her into being "ready" to have a child and that's when we started trying to get pregnant. I know this is true as I went to all the doctor appointments with her.

7. I've been successful in almost every part of my life (academics, career, etc), and I think I'm afraid to let the world find out I failed at something (my fault or not). For some reason women have always been my area of least confidence in myself.

I've also been under tremendous stress at work and with the new baby felt I could only handle so much change at once. I felt that exposing it would be far more dramatic and distracting that dealing with it privately.

I know few of these reasons mean much now, but I feel I have to explain why I've made so many of the classic mistakes.

I probably come across as a huge emotional wimp that has shared in too many chick flicks. All I can say is I'm a "family first" kind of guy that values family and believes divorce is too common. My parents have been together nearly 40 years (as have my wife's). I know we're not all perfect and that mistakes happen over a long life together, but I also question how much forgiveness should be granted.

After spending hours the last few days reading about how to "Man up", I realize I've allowed so many of my insecurities to dominate my actions. Already I'm feeling stronger realizing how much I have to offer a woman and questioning why I should want to stay with my WW.


I've been inspired by what I've read on this site to take control of my life and live by the principles I believe in.

I will not show fear, sadness, or desperation.
I will not reach out to my wife or seek her affection. She will come to me for it.
She will initiate all calls/texts.
I won't say "I love you".

I will start by telling the OMW with no warning. How should I do it? I don't know her that well and only know how to contact her through FB? Should I get her to meet me so we can talk in person? She lives an hour away from me.

How do I find the courage to do the paternity test? I love my child so much already and am scared I'll love him less if I find out he's not mine. My gut says he is, but I suppose I'll always wonder if I don't.

The first thing to do is conatct the wife and see what falls out of the tree. I would bet your wife is holding out hope for her and OM if not still having a full blown affair. A golden rule in breaking up an affiar is absolute no contact and outing the affair to the OM'wife. Almost every time, but not 100%, the OM will throw the your wife under the bus to save his marriage and keep his family together. Men have affairs for sex. Women,usually, for emotional reasons.

Its hard to believe he was attracted to a married, pregnant woman for sex. Affair has probably been going on longer than that.

If you can, get a phone number for the OM. A good source is spokeo.com.

If you have to , message her on facebook but that may be intercepted. The best thing is to go see her and take proof of emails texts etc.

 

[river rat]

Sounds like you've got a plan. Do not be afraid to move ahead with her or without. There's a good life out there for you. I understand your fear of destroying your relationship w/ her, but believe me, the relationship you had w/ her is already destroyed- by her. I did not confront for two years after I found out; it nearly killed me. Don't rug sweep this.

 

[Chaparral]

This is a concern to me as well, but few here seem to agree with you.

People that delay exposing here, regret that decison almost 100%. It isn't effective in every case but usually works to stop the affair and destroying the fog the affair partners are in.

 

[Beowulf]

We had sex while she was pregnant.

That is not surprising. She was hiding an affair. But she was having sex with the OM too right. I don't know too many women who would do that. Pregnancy is a time to bond with the baby's father. Why would she conduct an affair while pregnant. Why would the OM have sex with her when she was pregnant if he wasn't the father of her baby. These are just questions I would have if I were in your position.

 

[HusbandSeekingAdvice]

If you have to , message her on facebook but that may be intercepted. The best thing is to go see her and take proof of emails texts etc.

The only hard evidence I have is the call/text log from our cell phone provider which showed her calling/texting him as much as she did me (or sometimes more) and no one else was even close.

When I confronted her with that, I bluffed a bit indicated I had more evidence than I actually did, and told her if she had any hope of saving our marriage she'd tell me the whole truth right there.

And then she admitted to it.

 

[Beowulf]

The only hard evidence I have is the call/text log from our cell phone provider which showed her calling/texting him as much as she did me (or sometimes more) and no one else was even close.

When I confronted her with that, I bluffed a bit indicated I had more evidence than I actually did, and told her if she had any hope of saving our marriage she'd tell me the whole truth right there.

And then she admitted to it.

It is very likely they are still in an affair but have just taken it underground. I would still install keyloggers, VARs, GPS etc. Check her phone for messages. Keep gathering evidence as you proceed. For now, bring the text logs and tell the OMW you wife admitted it. Will she write a NC letter to the OM? If so take a copy to the OMW as proof as well. When you have more evidence send it along later. Its up to her what she does with the info. Make sure you tell everyone who has influence on your wife. Family, friends, priest, etc.