[Andy1001]

I looked back and cannot find anybody that I argued with. I see that I attempted to clarify some points, but I don't think I would argue with anybody on their viewpoints that they are sharing with me.

I see that your opinion is that my children have no stock in their father's life, nor should she/they be consulted regarding my marriage for any reason, on any matter, or under any circumstances. I do not agree, but I respect your opinion and appreciate you sharing it here. This is the sort of varied viewpoint I was hoping to hear. Thank you.

I feel like I have a fairly good handle on the intricacies of blended family life. I was raised in one and I have one of my very own right now. My daughter can have an agenda, feelings and opinions about the home she lives in and who she lives in it with. I am her father and these things are very important to me and they will continue to be very important to me. Her agenda does not rule my life but I will always be interested in how she feels and how she sees things in our home, in her life and with the people she shares each of those with.

In my opinion you are correct to ask your daughter her opinion. I also believe that your son is very relieved to be out of the house you shared with this harridan.
In reading your other threads your wife comes across as a nutcase. Not politically correct but true nonetheless.
Your nine year old son is showing signs of ptsd from her behavior and her refusing to give him lunch would have been the last straw for me. Her having a screaming fit at five am is a control manouevre, she was upset from the previous night so nobody was allowed sleep.
Stay the **** away from her.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I can't educate you on all the aspects of stepfamily life because there are way too many variables, so I didn't mention this part in my reply because it wasn't directly related to the subject matter. Since you opened up by stating you feel you have a fairly good handle on the intricacies of your blended family, I can submit that I beg to differ with both your comments regarding your daughter and your situation with your wife as evidence. I already spoke about your daughter's involvement, which you disagree with, and it's your prerogative to ignore me but your responses tell me how you are - argumentative and rejecting of views that aren't yours. You received what you requested, and then told them and me that you don't agree because you have your listed reasons for doing what you did and for feeling you are right to do it. How often have you done that to your wife? What I didn't mention before is your wife is telling you - by her displeasure and constant criticisms that you are fed up with and separated from her over - that she's not happy. My guess is she's tried to tell you but you didn't listen and had your reasons for not listening, so she gave up on trying to get through to you and started in about literally everything else. That is often the kind of behavior a person exhibits when they can't get their feelings across about the one specific thing that bothers them, so everything begins to bother them and they express their frustration in egregious ways. That boils down to your inability to do anything right all because you did one specific thing majorly wrong. In your case as per your "More Questions Than Answers" post, the inordinate number and continual frequency of arguments support what I'm saying. She feels you don't hear her. There are constant arguments. She gave up on trying to get through to you and resorted to constantly criticizing you. I don't purport to know or imply who is right or who is wrong in those arguments. You didn't give any details in that post, and your wife isn't here to tell her side, so I have no idea and I'm not trying to say. What I am saying is your wife feels unheard and that you don't have a "fairly good handle" on things.

Thank you for sharing your opinions with me. I do appreciate it very much.

 

[OnTheFly]

oops, ignore.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

So very true.

At the risk of getting flamed on here, I am going to give a very honest but probably not very popular opinion here that more addresses the root-level problem I see in this parenting decision to ask the kid any questions that assess your decision. As I said in my first post here, it's about putting the kids best interest first. Always. As long as they are kids. Always.

In my opinion, a divorced parent should raise their kids to the age of moving out of the house before they engage in marriage number 2, 3, 4 or whatever. I believe that the amount of time and energy it takes to build the next romance to a marriage level takes away from the kids. This is regardless of the circumstances - whether you were, God forbid and I sure hope not, widowed, or if you had a failed marriage for any reason, a parent owes it to the kids to be fully present with them until they are out of the house. The amount of dating and doting it takes to get to a second marriage is significant, and the kids often are confused by the parent's priorities. Maybe confused isn't the right word, but I think it's pretty safe to say they don't feel like they are the A#1 top priority while the parent is dating, texting, taking phone calls and all the other thrills and chills that come with the new romantic partner. And then to have it not work out is adding more pain to the package, even if they say it is what they want. How present as a parent can a person be while going through the agony of a failing marriage? Particularly if it is occurring multiple times.

I'm not trying to pile on - just trying to put my prior comment into more of the framework of my overall perspective. FWIW. And again, I know it is pretty uber conservative of me. But I raised three kids and I had countless choices and decisions to make throughout. The one guiding light my wife and I always agreed on, was - what is in our children's best interest in this situation? And that always led us to the decision we were most comfortable with.

As much as we all want to be or wish to be, none of us are perfect parents. Above all, I wish you and your kids much happiness and success in your next chapter.

I'd flame you if I didn't somewhat agree with that stance. It's something I regret, jumping into a new relationship much too early after divorce with small children. If I had the choice to go back and do it all over again, I would make different decisions with my children more in mind. There were definitely times that I was not fully present when the kids were with me after their mother and I split. I know I can't get that time back, but I also know that I won't make the same mistake twice if my second marriage ends up not working out.

 

[Rubix Cubed]

FTR I think you did the right thing by discussing it with her.
Things are and will be hard enough for her and her brother without feeling like they are just a piece of furniture.

 

[Katiex]

I am sorry for your situation. You know both your wife and daughter. If her comments are true that your wife behaves that way then you should take her at her word. Some people come into our lives and change us so slowly that we don’t notice. The most important thing as a parent is that we keep a positive relationship with our children even if our marriage hits a tough spot.

 

[Openminded]

Your daughter is aware your wife doesn't really like her. And she doesn't like seeing the knock-down-drag-out fights between your wife and you. She doesn't feel she belongs there and your son probably doesn't either.

Your wife doesn't want a divorce and she's not going to let go easily. She thinks she can talk you into reconciling and maybe she can. While she may promise to change, keep in mind that temporary change is easy but permanent change is not. Few people will do the work necessary to really change.

If you're going to reconcile with her (and it appears her recent talks with you have at least made you think somewhat about staying) then let your children live full-time with their mom. It appears they don't have much of a life when they're at your house.

 

[WorkingWife]

Thank you for that credit @OnTheFly In all honesty, it was a good natured attempt to find out how she was really feeling about the situation as a whole. She has been struggling, along with her brother for a while now so bad that when I'm at work and they are home with my wife, they spend whole days in their beds reading or on screens other than to eat just to stay out of other parts of the house. She had never really wanted to talk much about it and I could tell it was a moment in which she would be open and honest with me. My son who is younger still refuses to talk to anybody about it. And yes, I have thought about therapy for him for this matter.

I think you are the parent regardless of what your daughter says, you can look and see that your children are not happy if they are hiding in their rooms. That being said, most 12 year old girls don't jump up and down with glee at the idea of a step mother. I do think it's telling that your daughter's complaint is how the SM treats OTHER people, not just her. That's pretty mature for 12.

Anyhow, you already know what needs to be done and I hope you are not wavering on doing it. I would let both your kids know they are important to you and you are always there for them in life, but that they have nothing to do with the break up. You would never let someone mistreat them, but this break up would happen regardless of them because sadly it turns out that you and SM are not compatible the way you had hoped you would be.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I think you are the parent regardless of what your daughter says, you can look and see that your children are not happy if they are hiding in their rooms. That being said, most 12 year old girls don't jump up and down with glee at the idea of a step mother. I do think it's telling that your daughter's complaint is how the SM treats OTHER people, not just her. That's pretty mature for 12.

Anyhow, you already know what needs to be done and I hope you are not wavering on doing it. I would let both your kids know they are important to you and you are always there for them in life, but that they have nothing to do with the break up. You would never let someone mistreat them, but this break up would happen regardless of them because sadly it turns out that you and SM are not compatible the way you had hoped you would be.

Despite what some people think here, I have the ability to separate what I think and my decision making process from what my daughter's feelings and wishes are. That same sentiment struck me also, that she wasn't making it as self-centered as some 12 years olds might, making it just about how she is spoken to by her stepmom, but about how she treats all people in the home and others...and ABOUT others.

She is most definitely putting on the full-court press in trying to guilt me back into the house.

 

[WorkingWife]

She is most definitely putting on the full-court press in trying to guilt me back into the house.

This is to be expected. This forum is filled with threads from people who gave in and went back under similar circumstances. I'm pretty sure it never worked out long term for anyone.

Here is something else for you to think about:

Your wife does not embrace your children.

Right this minute I am sitting in my step-daughter's house. (I'm staying for the summer to watch her kids while they're out of school since both parents work.) I've been divorced from her father for over 20 years. But back when I met him and fell in love with him, I fell in love with his 3 kids too. They were his, a part of him. It was my INSTINCT to be interested in them, and nurture and guide them and root for them, etc.

Your wife married you and may love you very much, but it doesn't sound like she thinks of your children as part of HER marriage, HER family now. Even if she wants to "change and do better" for your MARRIAGE -- she can't make herself suddenly feel motherly toward your kids. Her real feelings for them are probably closer to competition and irritation. She might be able to make herself go through the motions of acting nicer to them, but will she ever truly embrace them and want them around?

How can she make herself feel something she simply does not feel? And no matter what argument she makes to you, if she did feel it, it would show.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

This is to be expected. This forum is filled with threads from people who gave in and went back under similar circumstances. I'm pretty sure it never worked out long term for anyone.

Here is something else for you to think about:

Your wife does not embrace your children.

Right this minute I am sitting in my step-daughter's house. (I'm staying for the summer to watch her kids while they're out of school since both parents work.) I've been divorced from her father for over 20 years. But back when I met him and fell in love with him, I fell in love with his 3 kids too. They were his, a part of him. It was my INSTINCT to be interested in them, and nurture and guide them and root for them, etc.

Your wife married you and may love you very much, but it doesn't sound like she thinks of your children as part of HER marriage, HER family now. Even if she wants to "change and do better" for your MARRIAGE -- she can't make herself suddenly feel motherly toward your kids. Her real feelings for them are probably closer to competition and irritation. She might be able to make herself go through the motions of acting nicer to them, but will she ever truly embrace them and want them around?

How can she make herself feel something she simply does not feel? And no matter what argument she makes to you, if she did feel it, it would show.

I myself have reversed course in my marriage and come back when I didn't feel like it was the right thing to do on a few occasions. Same promises every time.Therapy will help, we'll get help, we just need more communication, better communication, I'll have a better attitude, I'll watch what I say, how I say it, etc etc etc.................

That is beautiful about being close to your stepchildren still. I have a feeling, that if I were allowed, I'd have the same with at least 2 or 3 of the 4 of her children. They like me, they enjoy being around me and with me and doing things with me or us when I'm around. They are comfortable with me, they tell me that they love me.

I'm not sure how she could value them, while also making them feel the way they do and causing feelings inside of themselves that they would be better off and we would be better off if we were alone, just the 3 of us. The value would shine through, you're absolutely right, if it were there. She can't seem to get them out of the house fast enough when they're back off to their moms for a few days, TBH.

 

[WorkingWife]

I'm not sure how she could value them, while also making them feel the way they do and causing feelings inside of themselves that they would be better off and we would be better off if we were alone, just the 3 of us. The value would shine through, you're absolutely right, if it were there. She can't seem to get them out of the house fast enough when they're back off to their moms for a few days, TBH.

Exactly. Sometimes it's not what someone says or does to make others feel unvalued so much as what they don't say or do. You mentioned how she lost it over your son's cleaning skills w/in earshot of him, but other than that the only thing I know about her interaction with them is that they avoid her.

There can definitely be a natural tension/resistance from children to step parents. But you're there, what do you see? Does she look forward to the kids coming? Does she ever plan things for their visit? Does she show interest in them when they're around? Or is she just "your wife" and the kids happen to be there and she hangs out with you and just puts up with their presence until the weekend is over?

 

[Blondilocks]

Looking for some varying viewpoints on a situation. I've been separated from my wife for about a week. Close to when I left last week, I had a discussion with my daughter who is 12. My wife is her stepmother. I asked her some question pertaining to opinion on leaving, her viewpoints on the home and her stepmom. A lot of what she had to say was negative and painted my wife in a bad light saying she did not like her because she is very rude when she speaks to people and my daughter feels as if my wife has changed me from the man who I was when she was younger.

How much stock do I put into her views and opinions in my current situation? My children are my world and I am very self-admittedly very protective of them.

You put full stock in the fact that your daughter and son are unhappy. Her opinion on your marriage and her step-mother are irrelevant.

You say you were blinded by love when you married her. You need to seriously examine this. You decided to marry a woman with whom you were in high conflict from the get-go. That doesn't foster love. Examine your motives - fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation...?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

[/B]

You put full stock in the fact that your daughter and son are unhappy. Her opinion on your marriage and her step-mother are irrelevant.

You say you were blinded by love when you married her. You need to seriously examine this. You decided to marry a woman with whom you were in high conflict from the get-go. That doesn't foster love. Examine your motives - fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation...?

Thanks @Blondilocks

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-reflection work this week. The things you mention, fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation are all things that have gone through my mind. Blinded by love is a general term but overall there are things I skipped over when they probably shouldn't have been, red flags missed or ignored in the name of making things work.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Please do not attempt to make this work with her any more. I dont see how you possibly could in good conscience knowing how she treats your kids and how they feel about all of it. I think it would be extremely harmful and disrespectful on your part. I feel terrible for them that they have been stuck in this.

When you know better you do better.

 

[BluesPower]

Thanks @Blondilocks

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-reflection work this week. The things you mention, fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation are all things that have gone through my mind. Blinded by love is a general term but overall there are things I skipped over when they probably shouldn't have been, red flags missed or ignored in the name of making things work.

Listen, not to pile on, but look... You as a person and a man, HAVE TO HAVE some level of self-respect, you have to have some level of self love.

Because of your fear and horrible codependency you have allowed all of the things that have gone on these last few years.

Look, there is really no other way to say it... it is past time to MAN UP, do you get it. Way Past Time. You have allowed all of this crap to continue because you were scared.

It is time to get past that... Look at it like this, how much freaking worse could it get? What you might find a GF that likes you and your kids, likes to have sex with you, likes to be with you, is not insane?????

Really dude, what is the VERY WORST thing that could happen??? I don't think she will shoot you in the head, but is that so much worse that what you have been living??????

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Listen, not to pile on, but look... You as a person and a man, HAVE TO HAVE some level of self-respect, you have to have some level of self love.

Because of your fear and horrible codependency you have allowed all of the things that have gone on these last few years.

Look, there is really no other way to say it... it is past time to MAN UP, do you get it. Way Past Time. You have allowed all of this crap to continue because you were scared.

It is time to get past that... Look at it like this, how much freaking worse could it get? What you might find a GF that likes you and your kids, likes to have sex with you, likes to be with you, is not insane?????

Really dude, what is the VERY WORST thing that could happen??? I don't think she will shoot you in the head, but is that so much worse that what you have been living??????

Codependency is a huge problem between her and I, that I do know. Codependency, romantic entanglement, if you're familiar with that. My fears, my people-pleasing tendencies. All of them. I have allowed myself to be treated the way I have been treated.

There are things that could get worse, but many things that probably could not. The bedroom is actually one place where we are both VERY happy and our chemistry there keeps us sane in other areas.

The worst thing that could happen is that I could end up miserably alone, and for a person with codependency issues, that is a nightmare all in itself.

 

[BarbedFenceRider]

I agree,
Co-dependancy, fear of failure, loneliness. I get it. But YOU have to identify it.

The measure of true "getting it" would be for her to initiate healing with your kids. For her to "own it" and show that she loves the family, you and the kids.

But we are talking unicorns here, right?

Work on yourself and the kids. Your a good dad. Not a piece of furniture for people to plug into and out of their lives.

 

[3Xnocharm]

There are things way worse than being on your own...someone mistreating and disrespecting your kids is one.

 

[Elizabeth001]

Codependency = your own nightmare

It’s a circle you have to break out of ALL BY YOURSELF.


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