[Openminded]

Have you seen an attorney yet? Or has she managed to convince you to come back?

 

[Openminded]

Sounds like you've let sex convince you to gloss over other issues?

 

[Blondilocks]

If you keep letting your kids be crapped on for the sake of kitty, I can guarantee that you will end up miserably alone. And, you will have deserved it.

 

[WorkingWife]

The worst thing that could happen is that I could end up miserably alone, and for a person with codependency issues, that is a nightmare all in itself.

But you wont, if you don't want to be. Go to the mall -- take a look around. You'll see the most hapless looking people walking along, holding hands, looking all in love. You will always be able to find someone.

Regardless, it would probably be good for you to be alone for awhile. I have a history as a very co-dependent person, especially in my last marriage. I filed for divorce a couple years ago and met someone new right away just by chance. Things were good between us but we lived very far apart. He wanted to move in together, but I just couldn't do it for some reason.

Then about a year and a half into our relationship, I realized that I really love him and we're very compatible, but honestly, I'm also perfectly happy when we're apart (for weeks to months at a time) Then I felt like ...I've got this. I can be with this person and not lose myself. If things don't work out, I can walk and be perfectly happy.

It is SO liberating to enjoy and appreciate him so much but not feel a desperate need to compromise myself to make sure it works out.

Anyhow, use your brain to override your emotions here. You WILL be able to find someone when you are ready to, and this time you can be prepared to not settle out of fear of being alone.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

So...update. I'm back at home. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting and this is really just growing pains from starting a blended family. Maybe I'm too sensitive to the things that are happening in the house and I just don't know how to cope with the troubles and problems.

 

[OnTheFly]

You had sex with her and she made some promises?

Not trying to criticize or shame you. It's just a pattern I've seen many times on these types of threads.

 

[Deejo]

So...update. I'm back at home. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting and this is really just growing pains from starting a blended family. Maybe I'm too sensitive to the things that are happening in the house and I just don't know how to cope with the troubles and problems.

Well ... now you can deal with the consequences of both your wife and your children not knowing what they can trust from your actions.

You handled this entire episode ... poorly. You have now effectively undermined whatever credibility you had with your wife, and potentially your kids.

You painted a rather unhinged picture of your wife, who treats both you, and your kids badly. I don't know if that image is accurate or not ... but you did not paint a flattering picture.

You consulted with your child about the state of the relationship and issues as she saw them, likely from her perspective because you intended to do something about it as a result ... and you didn't.

All we have to go on, are the words you provide us with. You have painted a very unhealthy picture of the state of your relationship with your wife and overall family dynamic.

Are you overreacting, too sensitive and don't know how to cope? That's a question only you can answer. And if the answer is an affirmative ... then dude ... these circumstances don't get better. They get worse. You're 'hang in there' attitude that you think will improve things, has just set you up for further conflict and disrespect.

I'll bottom line things for you. You're fundamental issue is fear. You need to get to the other side of fear. Whether or not you choose to stay and change the dynamic, or to leave, you need to make choices regardless of the consequence, that fosters the dynamic that YOU want for your relationship with your wife, and your children, rather than second guessing, or doubting what your own gut is telling you.

 

[Deejo]

Go buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

You're welcome.

 

[Openminded]

That was predictable once you slowed down posting and then stopped. At least you came back and admitted it. Most don't.

Hopefully, you'll give your ex full custody so that your children are around your wife as little as possible. Your relationship with them likely won't be the same going forward but you've made your choice.

 

[Blondilocks]

Has she made any promises or concessions? Or, did her golden vagina convince you that it's all your and your kids' fault?

Even women don't respect men who are *****-whipped.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

So far so good with the kids being at the house. They have had minimal contact with my wife, which is a good thing. The kids leave for a week-long vacation with their mother tomorrow morning.

Wife has left all parenting decision having to do with my kids up to me with no interference at all.

 

[WorkingWife]

So...update. I'm back at home. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting and this is really just growing pains from starting a blended family. Maybe I'm too sensitive to the things that are happening in the house and I just don't know how to cope with the troubles and problems.

I would recommend you keep a journal of how you're feeling every day. How does she act around your children? How do your children seem to do around her? How are YOU behaving as a human being who does not want to be an unhinged, angry, "drama" person. How much joy are you getting from your relationship? Read over it in a couple weeks to a month.

I usually love a happy ending but I honestly don't have a good feeling about this at all, for a few reasons:

1) The way she loudly proclaimed her anger at your young son over a cleaning job within earshot of him shows amazing immaturity and inconsideration and lack of empathy on her part.

2) Hasn't Your relationship already been on the rocks for awhile with talk of divorce/separation? Has she been able to change long term before? She is who she is.

3) You become a lesser person when in her orbit, due to your frustration. Yelling and acting in a way you are ashamed of. Other women have never brought this side out in you. Other women have never acted unhinged in the way she has.

Personally, I think you've been UNDER reacting to the reality of the situation. When I read your very first post I was ready to take her side because I've been a step mother and I know how hard the blended family dynamic is. But when you described her loud criticism of a NINE year old's cleaning job, I knew she had problems and I believe she will always be an issue.

I hope you are prepared to walk the VERY FIRST TIME one of you slips into yelling, screaming, tantrum mode with the other, or as soon as you see she is cold and indifferent to your children.

I'm not saying this to come down on you, just to let you know as an outside observer, I am very concerned for you. Please keep us posted and let us know if you have troubles. Most criticism you get here is not judgmental in that it is coming from people who know they keep making their own mistakes in relationships, and understand how hard it is to see clearly when you're in the thick of things, that's why most of us are here.

 

[WorkingWife]

So far so good with the kids being at the house. They have had minimal contact with my wife, which is a good thing. The kids leave for a week-long vacation with their mother tomorrow morning.

Wife has left all parenting decision having to do with my kids up to me with no interference at all.

Why is the children having minimal contact with her a good thing?

I would be very cautious with her leaving all parenting decisions up to you. It's good that she does not interfere in the moment or take it upon herself to set rules and dish out discipline, but being married to you she needs to have a say with you in private about what is and is not acceptable and how situations are handled, or she will eventually become very resentful of your children and see them as a wedge between the two of you.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

I would recommend you keep a journal of how you're feeling every day. How does she act around your children? How do your children seem to do around her? How are YOU behaving as a human being who does not want to be an unhinged, angry, "drama" person. How much joy are you getting from your relationship? Read over it in a couple weeks to a month.

I usually love a happy ending but I honestly don't have a good feeling about this at all, for a few reasons:

1) The way she loudly proclaimed her anger at your young son over a cleaning job within earshot of him shows amazing immaturity and inconsideration and lack of empathy on her part.

2) Hasn't Your relationship already been on the rocks for awhile with talk of divorce/separation? Has she been able to change long term before? She is who she is.

3) You become a lesser person when in her orbit, due to your frustration. Yelling and acting in a way you are ashamed of. Other women have never brought this side out in you. Other women have never acted unhinged in the way she has.

Personally, I think you've been UNDER reacting to the reality of the situation. When I read your very first post I was ready to take her side because I've been a step mother and I know how hard the blended family dynamic is. But when you described her loud criticism of a NINE year old's cleaning job, I knew she had problems and I believe she will always be an issue.

I hope you are prepared to walk the VERY FIRST TIME one of you slips into yelling, screaming, tantrum mode with the other, or as soon as you see she is cold and indifferent to your children.

I'm not saying this to come down on you, just to let you know as an outside observer, I am very concerned for you. Please keep us posted and let us know if you have troubles. Most criticism you get here is not judgmental in that it is coming from people who know they keep making their own mistakes in relationships, and understand how hard it is to see clearly when you're in the thick of things, that's why most of us are here.

The journal is a wonderful suggestion. I will start that right away this evening. That is a great idea.

I still have a huge pit in my gut about it too. I don't have the peaceful, light, easy feelings I'm supposed to have around my wife. I constantly feel like the next shoe is about to drop, but don't know when, where, why or how.

Yep, we've been on and off the rocks many times over and over again. She has not made many changes to herself, no. Small changes, yes..maybe enough to get by short term...then it's off to the races again. Admittedly, I feel I do the same though. Small change, enough to get by for the time being, which sucks and is probably frustrating to her as well.

I appreciate your, and others' opinions and observations and don't feel judged. They keep me grounded in a way that not many people in my life are able to do for me right now. I will keep you posted as I pretty much know now that the next trouble is right around the corner.

 

[hubbyintrubby]

As I'm sure many of you, if not all of you that read my post expected, I am back and feeling the exact same way as I had before. Yesterday, I found myself feeling verbally abused yet again by my wife of just over a year and a half. Aggressiveness, yelling, swearing, personal attacks, all the same as before. The big change was that I found myself not reacting to her as I had in the past with anger in return. I found myself quiet, patient, calm. I told her I would speak to her when her tone could match mine and when she started caring how she spoke to me. The most hurtful part of the way she was speaking to me was when, in the middle of her talking to me the way she was, she stopped and told me that she did not care how she was speaking to me, then continued. That to me shows absolute intent on trying to hurt me with her words, with her tone, with the way she was speaking to me yet again. This all came about when I did not properly react and reply to a frustration she was having about me not transferring my paycheck into our shared account in a time she deemed appropriate.

Nearing the end of my rope.

 

[MEM2020]

The post below is the beginning of a substantive discussion.

Your insecurities drove you to ignore the fact that she would make a poor step mother. Her insecurities MAKE her a poor step mother because she can’t tolerate the competition for your attentions (time, treasure and talent).

Absent substantive complaints about your children, her conduct is almost certainly driven by insecurity/jealousy. And THAT creates a downward spiral: she needles without provocation and you defend which PROVES to her that the children are more important than she is.

I’ve traversed a ‘lite’ version of this terrain and am familiar with its general contours.

Thanks @Blondilocks

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-reflection work this week. The things you mention, fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation are all things that have gone through my mind. Blinded by love is a general term but overall there are things I skipped over when they probably shouldn't have been, red flags missed or ignored in the name of making things work.

 

[Openminded]

Nearing it? You should have fallen off already.

She doesn't want to do the work to have a good marriage but she also doesn't want a divorce so she said and did a few things to reel you back in. And it worked for a very short while. The problem is that she can't keep it going so now things have returned to how they've always been. The question is what are you going to do about it?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

Nearing it? You should have fallen off already.

She doesn't want to do the work to have a good marriage but she also doesn't want a divorce so she said and did a few things to reel you back in. And it worked for a very short while. The problem is that she can't keep it going so now things have returned to how they've always been. The question is what are you going to do about it?

So far I've prided myself on being a patient man. A forgiving man. A patient and forgiving husband. I guess I'm just not clear on my own personal boundary and how far to take my patience and my forgiveness. I feel very weak to just stand in and keep taking the hits without doing anything of substance about it. I guess I'm looking for advice of others where to take this. I know I'm reaching my limit as to how much I can take. At least I know that much.

 

[Andy1001]

So far I've prided myself on being a patient man. A forgiving man. A patient and forgiving husband. I guess I'm just not clear on my own personal boundary and how far to take my patience and my forgiveness. I feel very weak to just stand in and keep taking the hits without doing anything of substance about it. I guess I'm looking for advice of others where to take this. I know I'm reaching my limit as to how much I can take. At least I know that much.

You got good advice and didn’t want to take it.
Start at the beginning of your thread and this time actually read what you’re being told instead of just agreeing with everyone and then doing nothing. Replace the words patient and forgiving with codependent and weak and you will be nearer the mark.
You have lost any semblance of respect that your wife may (or may not) have had for you and you’re in the process of losing the trust of your children.
What’s left?
Just your own self respect/esteem and for what it’s worth I don’t think you have much anyway.
Maybe look for some, what do you think?

 

[hubbyintrubby]

You got good advice and didn’t want to take it.
Start at the beginning of your thread and this time actually read what you’re being told instead of just agreeing with everyone and then doing nothing.
You have lost any semblance of respect that your wife may (or may not) have had for you and you’re in the process of losing the trust of your children.
What’s left?
Just your own self respect/esteem and for what it’s worth I don’t think you have much anyway.

You're absolutely right when you say my self respect and self esteem is quite low. That is the truth. I have taken some of the advice of members here, but not the big, important ones I guess I'm scared to take and put into action. I appreciate the 2x4 @Andy1001 thank you.