A lot of times it's tough to beat the honesty of a child. They haven't developed the critical walls in their mind that we do as adults.

 

I fully agree there. I've always considered her to be a very intuitive kid as well. A good "people reader" if you will.

 

Being devil’s advocate here: 1) your 12 year old daughter has her own agenda. Make no mistake. I’ve owned one (lol) so I know and
2) I’m struggling to understand why you are involving a child in grown up matters. My opinion only

 

I appreciate your input @aquarius1

I know she has her own agenda in this matter. I'm just trying to gauge how much stock I should put into what she has to say and how far her agenda should get to go. The way I see it, she has stock in our life just like I do.

I get that opinion completely. If it were a matter of less importance, or perhaps another matter altogether, I would not do so. What we are talking about heavily involves her and her brother so my opinion is that her opinion matters very much to me but holds no majority sway with me in what we do from here. I made sure she was comfortable sharing her views with me and made it a very safe place to do so. Whether it was wrong to do so is up in the air, but a therapist I speak to fairly regularly had no qualms with me bringing it up to her.

 

I guess this will fall in the category of a varied opinion. I feel your engagement with your daughter on the topic is not putting your daughter’s best interests first. A child should not be put in a position where she could feel some form of responsibility in this situation. No matter her feelings. Lucky for you she seems to support the move but what if she didn’t? Would it really sway your decision? If it did somehow change your decision, then I would wonder how well you really thought the decision to leave through in the first place.

12 year old kids do not have the maturity to deal with these matters as an advisor to a parent.

 

I understand that viewpoint and appreciate your input. Unless it was a matter of the utmost importance, I would absolutely have left her out of it. The only reason in the first place I approached her at all is that I can see and feel her uncomfortableness in the home and relationships in the home almost daily and was interested in hearing her take on what was happening. I could tell that it was bothering her and felt it was important to know what those feelings she had been harboring were.

 

There's always a feedback loop running. Does your daughter know why you're separated? In general she is going to try and be supportive of you. Yes, at 12, she might be more inclined towards honesty than later on, but also quite possibly the opposite, since she's still at an age where Dad is a very important person in her life. Always will be, but at 12, still willing to admit to it.

 

oops, ignore.

 

FTR I think you did the right thing by discussing it with her.
Things are and will be hard enough for her and her brother without feeling like they are just a piece of furniture.

 

I am sorry for your situation. You know both your wife and daughter. If her comments are true that your wife behaves that way then you should take her at her word. Some people come into our lives and change us so slowly that we don’t notice. The most important thing as a parent is that we keep a positive relationship with our children even if our marriage hits a tough spot.

 

Your daughter is aware your wife doesn't really like her. And she doesn't like seeing the knock-down-drag-out fights between your wife and you. She doesn't feel she belongs there and your son probably doesn't either.

Your wife doesn't want a divorce and she's not going to let go easily. She thinks she can talk you into reconciling and maybe she can. While she may promise to change, keep in mind that temporary change is easy but permanent change is not. Few people will do the work necessary to really change.

If you're going to reconcile with her (and it appears her recent talks with you have at least made you think somewhat about staying) then let your children live full-time with their mom. It appears they don't have much of a life when they're at your house.

 

Looking for some varying viewpoints on a situation. I've been separated from my wife for about a week. Close to when I left last week, I had a discussion with my daughter who is 12. My wife is her stepmother. I asked her some question pertaining to opinion on leaving, her viewpoints on the home and her stepmom. A lot of what she had to say was negative and painted my wife in a bad light saying she did not like her because she is very rude when she speaks to people and my daughter feels as if my wife has changed me from the man who I was when she was younger.

How much stock do I put into her views and opinions in my current situation? My children are my world and I am very self-admittedly very protective of them.

You put full stock in the fact that your daughter and son are unhappy. Her opinion on your marriage and her step-mother are irrelevant.

You say you were blinded by love when you married her. You need to seriously examine this. You decided to marry a woman with whom you were in high conflict from the get-go. That doesn't foster love. Examine your motives - fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation...?

 

Thanks @Blondilocks

I've been doing a lot of soul searching and self-reflection work this week. The things you mention, fear, neediness, loneliness, desperation are all things that have gone through my mind. Blinded by love is a general term but overall there are things I skipped over when they probably shouldn't have been, red flags missed or ignored in the name of making things work.

 

Please do not attempt to make this work with her any more. I dont see how you possibly could in good conscience knowing how she treats your kids and how they feel about all of it. I think it would be extremely harmful and disrespectful on your part. I feel terrible for them that they have been stuck in this.

When you know better you do better.

 

I agree,
Co-dependancy, fear of failure, loneliness. I get it. But YOU have to identify it.

The measure of true "getting it" would be for her to initiate healing with your kids. For her to "own it" and show that she loves the family, you and the kids.

But we are talking unicorns here, right?

Work on yourself and the kids. Your a good dad. Not a piece of furniture for people to plug into and out of their lives.

 

There are things way worse than being on your own...someone mistreating and disrespecting your kids is one.

 

Codependency = your own nightmare

It’s a circle you have to break out of ALL BY YOURSELF.


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Have you seen an attorney yet? Or has she managed to convince you to come back?

 

Sounds like you've let sex convince you to gloss over other issues?

 

If you keep letting your kids be crapped on for the sake of kitty, I can guarantee that you will end up miserably alone. And, you will have deserved it.

 

So...update. I'm back at home. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting and this is really just growing pains from starting a blended family. Maybe I'm too sensitive to the things that are happening in the house and I just don't know how to cope with the troubles and problems.

 

Well ... now you can deal with the consequences of both your wife and your children not knowing what they can trust from your actions.

You handled this entire episode ... poorly. You have now effectively undermined whatever credibility you had with your wife, and potentially your kids.

You painted a rather unhinged picture of your wife, who treats both you, and your kids badly. I don't know if that image is accurate or not ... but you did not paint a flattering picture.

You consulted with your child about the state of the relationship and issues as she saw them, likely from her perspective because you intended to do something about it as a result ... and you didn't.

All we have to go on, are the words you provide us with. You have painted a very unhealthy picture of the state of your relationship with your wife and overall family dynamic.

Are you overreacting, too sensitive and don't know how to cope? That's a question only you can answer. And if the answer is an affirmative ... then dude ... these circumstances don't get better. They get worse. You're 'hang in there' attitude that you think will improve things, has just set you up for further conflict and disrespect.

I'll bottom line things for you. You're fundamental issue is fear. You need to get to the other side of fear. Whether or not you choose to stay and change the dynamic, or to leave, you need to make choices regardless of the consequence, that fosters the dynamic that YOU want for your relationship with your wife, and your children, rather than second guessing, or doubting what your own gut is telling you.

 

You had sex with her and she made some promises?

Not trying to criticize or shame you. It's just a pattern I've seen many times on these types of threads.

 

Go buy the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

You're welcome.

 

That was predictable once you slowed down posting and then stopped. At least you came back and admitted it. Most don't.

Hopefully, you'll give your ex full custody so that your children are around your wife as little as possible. Your relationship with them likely won't be the same going forward but you've made your choice.

 

Has she made any promises or concessions? Or, did her golden vagina convince you that it's all your and your kids' fault?

Even women don't respect men who are *****-whipped.

 

So far so good with the kids being at the house. They have had minimal contact with my wife, which is a good thing. The kids leave for a week-long vacation with their mother tomorrow morning.

Wife has left all parenting decision having to do with my kids up to me with no interference at all.

 

Why is the children having minimal contact with her a good thing?

I would be very cautious with her leaving all parenting decisions up to you. It's good that she does not interfere in the moment or take it upon herself to set rules and dish out discipline, but being married to you she needs to have a say with you in private about what is and is not acceptable and how situations are handled, or she will eventually become very resentful of your children and see them as a wedge between the two of you.

 

As I'm sure many of you, if not all of you that read my post expected, I am back and feeling the exact same way as I had before. Yesterday, I found myself feeling verbally abused yet again by my wife of just over a year and a half. Aggressiveness, yelling, swearing, personal attacks, all the same as before. The big change was that I found myself not reacting to her as I had in the past with anger in return. I found myself quiet, patient, calm. I told her I would speak to her when her tone could match mine and when she started caring how she spoke to me. The most hurtful part of the way she was speaking to me was when, in the middle of her talking to me the way she was, she stopped and told me that she did not care how she was speaking to me, then continued. That to me shows absolute intent on trying to hurt me with her words, with her tone, with the way she was speaking to me yet again. This all came about when I did not properly react and reply to a frustration she was having about me not transferring my paycheck into our shared account in a time she deemed appropriate.

Nearing the end of my rope.

 

Yeah, this post is quite shocking, I am just appalled....NOT.

Not only should you be nearing the end of the rope, you should not have any rope left.

You know what, you could be get ugliest, dumbest, person in the world, and we all know that you are not... but if you were, you still would not deserve this treatment.

Dogs don't deserve this treatment...

Dude, please get a clue and get out of this...

 

Nearing it? You should have fallen off already.

She doesn't want to do the work to have a good marriage but she also doesn't want a divorce so she said and did a few things to reel you back in. And it worked for a very short while. The problem is that she can't keep it going so now things have returned to how they've always been. The question is what are you going to do about it?

 

So far I've prided myself on being a patient man. A forgiving man. A patient and forgiving husband. I guess I'm just not clear on my own personal boundary and how far to take my patience and my forgiveness. I feel very weak to just stand in and keep taking the hits without doing anything of substance about it. I guess I'm looking for advice of others where to take this. I know I'm reaching my limit as to how much I can take. At least I know that much.

 

Patient and forgiving people are very often used as doormats by those who are not as kind. You've been one for sure but I hope you've finally seen the light. Your children deserve a better deal than they gotten and so do you.

 

I was a doormat in my first marriage and I'm a doormat in this one.

How many times do you let someone kick you in the shins before you take yourself out of the equation so they can't anymore? Too many times for me.