My wife has been having an emotional affair for months. She has been playing online spades with this guy for about 8 months (she said the time frame, I haven't been tracking it). She plays for hours nearly every night. The only time she doesn't play with him is when he is not there. He'll even go so far as to let her know if he isn't going to be playing. "I'll be gone until Sunday." I have been arguing that this relationship is wrong for months. However, she has continually insisted that it is just fun. 12 days ago, I came across (accidentally) some google searches. "Falling in love on the internet", "Getting over an emotional affair", and several searches for him. Supposedly, she only knows his first name and last initial and that he lives in Denver. I confronted her and she admitted that she had lied. She said she wouldn't play with him again. She has played every single night and has even called him. I don't believe they have ever met. She says she needs time to end it in her own way. She can't feel forced to end her relationship with him. How do I give her space to do that while she tears my heart out every night?
Dealing with an ongoing emotional affair
HurtinginTN
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After reading the entire thread I have to say that is exactly what you have been doing.
Sorry man, good luck.
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I talked to her brother. He agrees that it is bulls___. He is going to call her and try to draw it out of her so she doesn't know I told him. She respects his opinion more than anyone else. If that doesn't work, I'll expose it to the whole family. From what I've seen tonight, I will never let me kids be near this man. I can't believe she would even think about it.
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So, assuming that she is a stay at home mom, since she home schools, YOU pay all the bills, right?
Then, since she refuses to stop, your next step should be to cut the internet and cell phones. If she HAS to contact him, she can do it through your land line - where you can get his phone number.
This is YOU protecting your marriage and family - "I will not PAY for you to CHEAT on me in MY house."
Then, since she refuses to stop, your next step should be to cut the internet and cell phones. If she HAS to contact him, she can do it through your land line - where you can get his phone number.
This is YOU protecting your marriage and family - "I will not PAY for you to CHEAT on me in MY house."
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Well, it went as expected. As soon as he was too sick from drinking too much and went to bed, she started calling me. I ignored the phone calls for a while, went to a bar and drank a couple of beers. (actually 2, not alcoholic talk for many). Somehow, she thought to check on our daughter's laptop. When I finally answered, she asked me where it was. I told her I had it and I want a divorce. I have the transcripts of the entire night. The things she said to him are unforgiveable.
When I got home, she came downstairs. I said "Stay away from me. I don't want to see your face." I went out and took the dog for a walk.
When I came back in, she came down again. I told her to stay away from me or I'm leaving. I am too angry right now to be near you. I have pride in the fact that I have never hit a woman. I also know that last night, I hated her more than anything in the world. I gave her what for.
Later, she went to bed and I laid on the couch. Shortly, she called my name. I said, "Why would you be calling my name and why am I coming to you." I had calmed down some by that time. I laid next to her and she cried on my shoulder for a while. Then, she flipped a switch and moved to her side of the bed. I'm not exactly sure what happened to cause that. I believe it came after this little exchange.
Her: "You think the things I said are horrible."
Me: "Absolutely"
Her: "What about the things you said."
I thought for a few minutes and responded.
"I suppose I should have used a lower tone of voice. However, I will no longer be your doormat to wipe your muddy feet on before you run to him. I will no longer allow an affair to go on in this home. I can't make your choice, that is true. However, choices have consequences. The consequences of you continuing this affair will be great. I was a fool with the wool pulled over my eyes. I had a hundred people telling me to yank the internet, etc. Who did I believe? My cheating wife. (I am surprised I don't see a lot of "I told you so"s today. Thanks for all of the advice and for not rubbing it in my face what a fool I've been for not listening.) You are free to leave whenever you want. My children will not leave with you. My children will never be around that man. I saw enough issues from him tonight that they will never see him."
I also said that I will work through the common 7 steps to end an affair. It is mostly what everyone says here. I can't remember where I saw the 7 steps laid out. I had told her when we talked on my way home that I was going to file for divorce Monday morning. The things she said still seem unforgivable. Our second daughter's name is Adora, which my wife found in a baby book. It means "One who is adored." Last night, she told him at least twice, "I adore you." To most, that word is not very powerful. To her and to me, it is probably the most powerful word in the English language. I told her that for the rest of my life, I will be unable to say my daughter's name without thinking about this night.
Powerbane, thank you very much for the chat last night. He told me that we can work this out. I kept telling him how much I hate her right now. He kept telling me she is an addict. IF she ends it today in front of my face, I told her we will work on our marriage. If not, she is no longer welcome in this house. I suppose that was a bit harsh and soon. I have not blocked Spadester yet. He will "be there all day today waiting for her." Well, it's 11:00 am and he's not there yet. I keep checking. If I go out of the room, I take the modem with me. I have kept the modem and all phones in my proximity since last night. I don't want her sneaking some contact to him.
She hasn't spoken to me all day. A few words. I asked if she wanted some coffee. "I'll fix it." She asked if I had bought some Lysol. I told her it wasn't on the list she made, but I will go get some. That's about it. Not one hug. No physical contact nor eye contact all morning. Perhaps I handled it wrong last night, but that is par for the course. I have handled it wrong from the beginning.
As far as I'm concerned right now, I am completely done with her. For the kids' sake and since everyone tells me it is like an addict, I will give the marriage a chance. I can't do it alone, though. She hasn't been willing to try, why should I foolishly believe she would now?
Still hurting in TN, now more than ever in my whole life.
When I got home, she came downstairs. I said "Stay away from me. I don't want to see your face." I went out and took the dog for a walk.
When I came back in, she came down again. I told her to stay away from me or I'm leaving. I am too angry right now to be near you. I have pride in the fact that I have never hit a woman. I also know that last night, I hated her more than anything in the world. I gave her what for.
Later, she went to bed and I laid on the couch. Shortly, she called my name. I said, "Why would you be calling my name and why am I coming to you." I had calmed down some by that time. I laid next to her and she cried on my shoulder for a while. Then, she flipped a switch and moved to her side of the bed. I'm not exactly sure what happened to cause that. I believe it came after this little exchange.
Her: "You think the things I said are horrible."
Me: "Absolutely"
Her: "What about the things you said."
I thought for a few minutes and responded.
"I suppose I should have used a lower tone of voice. However, I will no longer be your doormat to wipe your muddy feet on before you run to him. I will no longer allow an affair to go on in this home. I can't make your choice, that is true. However, choices have consequences. The consequences of you continuing this affair will be great. I was a fool with the wool pulled over my eyes. I had a hundred people telling me to yank the internet, etc. Who did I believe? My cheating wife. (I am surprised I don't see a lot of "I told you so"s today. Thanks for all of the advice and for not rubbing it in my face what a fool I've been for not listening.) You are free to leave whenever you want. My children will not leave with you. My children will never be around that man. I saw enough issues from him tonight that they will never see him."
I also said that I will work through the common 7 steps to end an affair. It is mostly what everyone says here. I can't remember where I saw the 7 steps laid out. I had told her when we talked on my way home that I was going to file for divorce Monday morning. The things she said still seem unforgivable. Our second daughter's name is Adora, which my wife found in a baby book. It means "One who is adored." Last night, she told him at least twice, "I adore you." To most, that word is not very powerful. To her and to me, it is probably the most powerful word in the English language. I told her that for the rest of my life, I will be unable to say my daughter's name without thinking about this night.
Powerbane, thank you very much for the chat last night. He told me that we can work this out. I kept telling him how much I hate her right now. He kept telling me she is an addict. IF she ends it today in front of my face, I told her we will work on our marriage. If not, she is no longer welcome in this house. I suppose that was a bit harsh and soon. I have not blocked Spadester yet. He will "be there all day today waiting for her." Well, it's 11:00 am and he's not there yet. I keep checking. If I go out of the room, I take the modem with me. I have kept the modem and all phones in my proximity since last night. I don't want her sneaking some contact to him.
She hasn't spoken to me all day. A few words. I asked if she wanted some coffee. "I'll fix it." She asked if I had bought some Lysol. I told her it wasn't on the list she made, but I will go get some. That's about it. Not one hug. No physical contact nor eye contact all morning. Perhaps I handled it wrong last night, but that is par for the course. I have handled it wrong from the beginning.
As far as I'm concerned right now, I am completely done with her. For the kids' sake and since everyone tells me it is like an addict, I will give the marriage a chance. I can't do it alone, though. She hasn't been willing to try, why should I foolishly believe she would now?
Still hurting in TN, now more than ever in my whole life.
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She told him last night she was planning on buying a prepaid phone so she could call him. However, part of my sucking up to her for all of these years is that I am her little errand boy. She rarely goes to the store. She rarely even leaves the house. I do almost all of the shopping. I have told her that she needs to get out more often. However, why would she? Her boyfriend has been right her on the computer in our bedroom for months.
I am soooo ready to kick her to the curb.
Anybody want to give me a reason not too? The kids? Would they be better off with a single dad over a horribly distraught dad? Is she really the great mother I have thought she was for all these years? My daughter was crying her eyes out a couple of nights ago. She asked her mother to play a game with all of us. Of course, she was too busy with her internet lover. I rocked my daughter for quite a while. I am at the end of my rope. She doesn't want to work on our marriage. I don't want to work on our marriage now either. I truly don't know if I can ever forget, forgive, or get over the things she said last night.
"I want you so bad, I can taste it." Never in almost 13 years of marriage has she said anything like that to me. I told her last night, our marriage bed has to be the coldest one in the history of planet earth. However, you talk all this trash to man you have never met. If you had ever talked to me that way, our marriage would have been so incredibly much better.
There was more. I am leaning hard on filing for divorce tomorrow. IF she doesn't start showing some remorse and end it with him today, I don't think I have the patience or the caring to work through any of the steps for ending affairs.
I am soooo ready to kick her to the curb.
Anybody want to give me a reason not too? The kids? Would they be better off with a single dad over a horribly distraught dad? Is she really the great mother I have thought she was for all these years? My daughter was crying her eyes out a couple of nights ago. She asked her mother to play a game with all of us. Of course, she was too busy with her internet lover. I rocked my daughter for quite a while. I am at the end of my rope. She doesn't want to work on our marriage. I don't want to work on our marriage now either. I truly don't know if I can ever forget, forgive, or get over the things she said last night.
"I want you so bad, I can taste it." Never in almost 13 years of marriage has she said anything like that to me. I told her last night, our marriage bed has to be the coldest one in the history of planet earth. However, you talk all this trash to man you have never met. If you had ever talked to me that way, our marriage would have been so incredibly much better.
There was more. I am leaning hard on filing for divorce tomorrow. IF she doesn't start showing some remorse and end it with him today, I don't think I have the patience or the caring to work through any of the steps for ending affairs.
I was glad to try and help and I meant what I said - she is an addict
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Try these.
This can be saved.
First step is to get brother to talk with her. She is going to be mad because she is in the fog.
You also need to enlist help from her parents.
Just remember - you got more friends than you know.
Posted via Mobile Device
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Try these.
This can be saved.
First step is to get brother to talk with her. She is going to be mad because she is in the fog.
You also need to enlist help from her parents.
Just remember - you got more friends than you know.
Posted via Mobile Device
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At least one has to want to save it. You were right there with me last night. You saw the things she said. I don't have word on this computer, so I can't print the transcripts. I did print the 3 screen shots you sent me. They are sitting on the kitchen table.
She's wasing the dishes. Part of me says to go help her. The other part don't want to be in the same house as her. I am "torn" to use the word she has used the past couple of weeks.
She's wasing the dishes. Part of me says to go help her. The other part don't want to be in the same house as her. I am "torn" to use the word she has used the past couple of weeks.
I want you to read this in the spirit it is written, to help save you and/or your marriage.
Read your posts, you are a DOORMAT , your wife is still walking all over you.
Plan A says expose. You do not have the OM's details , yet , however since you have already told her you have the chat transcripts, expose this to all her family and a number of her good friends, friends that will be pro-marriage.
Her world must go into turmoil, she will contact the OM. Be ready load the keylogger, not a hardware one she finds and pulls out, a software one that forwards the details to you. Be prepared . Have a plan at all times. Sit your children down and tell them of the affair.
With immediate effect you state the following
There is no diluting this, the moment she says no you take drastic hard measures. If she carries on the affair from your house you pack her bags and move her to her mothers or brothers house, you cut her finances off.
You carry on Plan A with her not Plan doormat.
Rock their little word and publish the affair.
Items you should acquire soon..
1. Keylogger such as
Keylogger | Remote Computer Monitoring Software With Keyloggers | Web Watcher Now
or Eblaster and SpectorPro
2. A VAR (Voice activated Recorder)
3. Flexispy for her mobile phone
You want the OM's details, patience and time are on your side , you take him out of the picture once you have his information
Use sites like Pipl - People Search. to track the OM down
Do not tell her what you are doing , never play your hand.
Read your posts, you are a DOORMAT , your wife is still walking all over you.
Plan A says expose. You do not have the OM's details , yet , however since you have already told her you have the chat transcripts, expose this to all her family and a number of her good friends, friends that will be pro-marriage.
Her world must go into turmoil, she will contact the OM. Be ready load the keylogger, not a hardware one she finds and pulls out, a software one that forwards the details to you. Be prepared . Have a plan at all times. Sit your children down and tell them of the affair.
With immediate effect you state the following
She will ignore and oppose this, standard for a Wayward Spouse .
There is no diluting this, the moment she says no you take drastic hard measures. If she carries on the affair from your house you pack her bags and move her to her mothers or brothers house, you cut her finances off.
You carry on Plan A with her not Plan doormat.
Rock their little word and publish the affair.
Items you should acquire soon..
1. Keylogger such as
Keylogger | Remote Computer Monitoring Software With Keyloggers | Web Watcher Now
or Eblaster and SpectorPro
2. A VAR (Voice activated Recorder)
3. Flexispy for her mobile phone
You want the OM's details, patience and time are on your side , you take him out of the picture once you have his information
Use sites like Pipl - People Search. to track the OM down
Do not tell her what you are doing , never play your hand.
Your wife and the OM are not very clever using a games forum where others can read the chats, I would create an ID and log into it and post a message for all gamers to read. Many will not respond positively, most will say nothing however identifying their handle will have others looking for their chats, it will add to their discomfort.
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Seems like an exhausting amount of work to spy on someone who clearly does not want you and you just as clearly don't want much either. What are you looking for; justification? To whom?
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Truer words never spoken Eli
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Spying on someone doesn't sound like 'saving' anything. Look maybe it's me but if you burn me like that you've made an implacable enemy for life. A lot of things are forgivable but running around with someone else, screwing them, making you look like an idiot, being proud of that, then climbing to the heights of Angry Mount Self Righteous about it, isn't one of them. It's just not. Not if you have any self respect.
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Have you cheated, Dog? Most people who oppose the notion of exposure turn out to be - or have been - cheating, themselves. Of course such a person would oppose it.
His wife is a DRUG ADDICT right now. She CRAVES the attention of OM like a drug; get in her way and ALL SHE THINKS ABOUT is getting more of the drug.
But, just like a drug addict, she CAN go clean. She CAN get it out of her veins and get her right mind back; the mind that, just 2 years ago, would have been horrified of the thought of being a cheater.
That person's still in there, but the drug is SO powerful, SO addicting, that she simply cannot see straight right now, when she still has access to the drug.
That's what exposure is for - to HELP her go cold turkey and get her right mind back.
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