I've been in a long-term relationship with my wife for about 20 years, with kids. About 2 years ago, out of the blue, I discovered my wife has been having an affair: I literally drove past her while headed home - she was walking down the street on her cell phone, I slowed down and offered to drive her home, she waved me off as she was happy to walk, and as I began driving away, my car picked up her call on bluetooth - with my daughter next to me. The only thing we both heard was a man saying "I love you so much honey".
I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. I confronted her outside after sending my daughter into the house. She did two things right at this point: she admitted it right away, told me who it was, and she also swore to me that she wanted to be with me, that the affair was a mistake. She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.
The man - we'll call him ****- was an "old friend" that I had never met. She had mentioned him over the years, and every once in a while they talked on the phone or even met up for dinner or lunch. I asked her about **** when we were first together, as we were learning about each other's past, and she assured me back then that he was just a dear friend. He did not live in the same city, so contact with him was sportatic at best over the years that followed. In terms of the affair, she assured me the two of them started as a result of leaning on him for emotional support when her father died (4 months earlier). She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room. She lied about that when I first realized she was having an affair when she went on that trip, but she did admit it during our first counselling session.
My wife had been married before we got together 20 years ago, and we got together not long after her marriage ended. I too had been married, and was in the process of ending it at that time.
Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been. We addressed a lot of issues (that should have been addressed years before had she agreed to go sooner - a request I frequently made and was rebuffed, but that's another matter). I chose to work on us instead of leave, and I'm glad I did.
A few months ago - in what turned out to be our last couples therapy session -I brought up the fact that she was curiously preventing me from accessing our phone bill account - it has our home phone/internet etc, as well as her cell phone connected to it (my cell phone is billed separately). I figured in counselling she would realize she had no reason not to give me access (I needed access for financial/tax reasons). Instead she adamantly refused to give me access. She got so upset she left the session early.
At that point I knew something was up, so I started digging. I found text messages on her phone, and then I found (sadly graphic) old photographs. Lo and behold, these discoveries proved that (a) the affair she had with **** started months earlier that she admitted to me (although it was likely not physical, given he didn't live in the area) and (b) this was NOT her first affair with ****. The photographs proved that she was cheating on her ex-husband with him as well, before she and I were together. (Why did she keep the photos!!!!) **** was also married with kids, and I guess he would not leave his wife, although she did leave her husband (no kids from that marriage). Literally I am surely only with her because he ended it at the time. Fast forward to 2022: his wife died a year before her father died (2023), which is what prompted him to reach out to my wife, after (what I belive was) many years of silence between the two of them.
So, I have this info, and I have not yet confronted my wife (it's been almost 3 months since my discovery). We had stopped counselling because I was laid off work right at the time of that last terrible session. I wanted to talk to her with our couples counsellor, as I don't trust how she will react - she will probably freak out at my digging through her text messages (I knew her password) then finding the photos in her office (which were from her first affair with him exclusively).
I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie. I have every reason to believe she is truly finished with ****, and has been since I found about them 2 years ago. She lately tells me she has never been happier with me, and I feel the same way, and yet I know her secrets and they eat away at me.
I have ben debating how much to admit to her I know: I want her to come clean - completely. If I tell her I know she wasn't honest about her relationship, she'll want to know what I know, and presumably build a (limited) narrative around what I tell her. I want her to come clean about everything: the ancient affair on her ex, as well as the timelines for the affair she had on me. I also don't believe her when she insisted that on the recent affair it was stricly an emotional affair: they were having sex in their old affair, and I'm pretty sure they must have been having sex in Jamaica.
My debate: do I admit that I read her text messages and saw photographs when I confront her? Maybe just admit to the photographs? My reason for snooping, after all, was because I knew something was amiss when she refused me access to the phone bill account (which would have proven communication between them). I am nervous as hell to bring this up. She has agreed to a couples counselling session in a couple of weeks to talk about what is bothering me.
Sorry for the long story. Interested in peoples thoughts on that last paragraph.
I had no warning signs - no idea she was carrying on. I confronted her outside after sending my daughter into the house. She did two things right at this point: she admitted it right away, told me who it was, and she also swore to me that she wanted to be with me, that the affair was a mistake. She insisted it was an emotional affair. She ended it the next morning with the man.
The man - we'll call him ****- was an "old friend" that I had never met. She had mentioned him over the years, and every once in a while they talked on the phone or even met up for dinner or lunch. I asked her about **** when we were first together, as we were learning about each other's past, and she assured me back then that he was just a dear friend. He did not live in the same city, so contact with him was sportatic at best over the years that followed. In terms of the affair, she assured me the two of them started as a result of leaning on him for emotional support when her father died (4 months earlier). She also informed me that the trip she had recently taken to Jamaica to have some "time to herself and grieve" - was not a solo trip: he joined her after a couple of days of being there, but in a separate room. She lied about that when I first realized she was having an affair when she went on that trip, but she did admit it during our first counselling session.
My wife had been married before we got together 20 years ago, and we got together not long after her marriage ended. I too had been married, and was in the process of ending it at that time.
Upon learning of this affair, my wife and I did intensive couples counselling and as a result, are more in love than we probably ever have been. We addressed a lot of issues (that should have been addressed years before had she agreed to go sooner - a request I frequently made and was rebuffed, but that's another matter). I chose to work on us instead of leave, and I'm glad I did.
A few months ago - in what turned out to be our last couples therapy session -I brought up the fact that she was curiously preventing me from accessing our phone bill account - it has our home phone/internet etc, as well as her cell phone connected to it (my cell phone is billed separately). I figured in counselling she would realize she had no reason not to give me access (I needed access for financial/tax reasons). Instead she adamantly refused to give me access. She got so upset she left the session early.
At that point I knew something was up, so I started digging. I found text messages on her phone, and then I found (sadly graphic) old photographs. Lo and behold, these discoveries proved that (a) the affair she had with **** started months earlier that she admitted to me (although it was likely not physical, given he didn't live in the area) and (b) this was NOT her first affair with ****. The photographs proved that she was cheating on her ex-husband with him as well, before she and I were together. (Why did she keep the photos!!!!) **** was also married with kids, and I guess he would not leave his wife, although she did leave her husband (no kids from that marriage). Literally I am surely only with her because he ended it at the time. Fast forward to 2022: his wife died a year before her father died (2023), which is what prompted him to reach out to my wife, after (what I belive was) many years of silence between the two of them.
So, I have this info, and I have not yet confronted my wife (it's been almost 3 months since my discovery). We had stopped counselling because I was laid off work right at the time of that last terrible session. I wanted to talk to her with our couples counsellor, as I don't trust how she will react - she will probably freak out at my digging through her text messages (I knew her password) then finding the photos in her office (which were from her first affair with him exclusively).
I need her to come clean, as I can't live with the lie. I have every reason to believe she is truly finished with ****, and has been since I found about them 2 years ago. She lately tells me she has never been happier with me, and I feel the same way, and yet I know her secrets and they eat away at me.
I have ben debating how much to admit to her I know: I want her to come clean - completely. If I tell her I know she wasn't honest about her relationship, she'll want to know what I know, and presumably build a (limited) narrative around what I tell her. I want her to come clean about everything: the ancient affair on her ex, as well as the timelines for the affair she had on me. I also don't believe her when she insisted that on the recent affair it was stricly an emotional affair: they were having sex in their old affair, and I'm pretty sure they must have been having sex in Jamaica.
My debate: do I admit that I read her text messages and saw photographs when I confront her? Maybe just admit to the photographs? My reason for snooping, after all, was because I knew something was amiss when she refused me access to the phone bill account (which would have proven communication between them). I am nervous as hell to bring this up. She has agreed to a couples counselling session in a couple of weeks to talk about what is bothering me.
Sorry for the long story. Interested in peoples thoughts on that last paragraph.
