Please give us more detail---how did you find out, what shape is your mge in, what about her XBF, the war vet---what was their original relationship, where is he now, what is his relationship status, what is the status of their EA, (hao heavy, what have you read, what do they profess to each other, how many contacts daily)-----things like these, to help us give you good advice----also how did you discover the EA, and how does your wife act toward you, now and prior to the EA, do you know if there is any possibility it has gone physical, and has your wife's style/demeanor changed about anything, concerning her lifestyle, how she conducts herself, now as to prior????

 

Thank you for your help, I'm really at loss here. Please bare with me as I'm very confuse right now, I can't describe the stress and pain I'm going through. I found out yesterday morning, wife was on the shower, her laptop was open and I tried to check my email, hers was opened and I came across the emails. My marriage is not in great shape (no sex in almost a year, can't even touch her) but besides the sex issue what is huge, nothing major. The ex bf war vet, they dated for 8 years, they broke up in 2001 after 9/11 when he joined, since then they have been friends, I met him and I became his friend as well, he has been deployed in iraq and afghanistan multiple times through the years. They have always been in contact, he would call her from there telling her about all the war horrors he was going through and they would cry together, emails, videos, I have always been aware of this after all we were just all friends and we were helping him to go through the hell he was going through over there, I have always been in contact with him as well, through emails etc etc... He has now been back home, been discharged from the army and suffers from PTSD. He is divorced. They been in constant contact, EA emails I would say since january 2011 before that the emails are normal, like the ones between him and me. The emails are pretty heavy "have always loved you" "want to be together" "want to make a life for ourselves" "can't live without you" and the likes. My wife has been distant but nothing really major, I don't think it got physical because since the EA started I believe january this year, they have not seen each other. I really need some guidance here I feel I losing my mind.

 

Print out the emails and then confront her with the choice. She ends all contact and she works on the marriage or you and kid will leave her.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Are you going to wait until they get together? For gosh sakes, do what Shaggy suggests and print out the emails and give them to her. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be worried about confronting you? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. The longer you wait to confront the more deep the attachment will be between them.

 

I printed the emails out, i wanted to get advice before confronting her, tomorrow is her day off, I will confront her tomorrow. Only found this website today and been reading trying to figure out this mess.

 

Couple of points:

1. It isn't your fault, no matter what he says. She is the one who is putting another man ahead of her husband emotionally.
2. Do not negotiate. No time to meet with him and say goodbye, no just once a week, etc. NC.
3. You need to put in place ways to verify. Either get her passwords or install a keylogger. I'm a fan of the keylogger since it finds secret mail accounts.
4. Do not accept a time apart to work through il that's just her wanting to perpetuate and likely escalate the relationship to see if it wors before admitting she's done. If he can't committ immediately to the man he took vows with, then she leaves since she is no longer honoring her vow.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Thanks!!! I been having a hard time getting my thoughts together and knowing which points bring up to her, I'm shocked by all this!! I intent to confront her early tomorrow morning, this is eating me inside.

 

Well she was on the phone with him so I just went ahead and confronted her, couldn't keep it inside anymore, she just started crying and how sorry she is....but does not want to give him up!!! "They love and need each other" I'm shacking and I feel I can just throw up, how could they do this to me!!!!! WTF WTF WTF.....She went to the bedroom and closed the door but I can hear her talk, I'm pretty sure with him!!! so know what????? what do I do know????

 

Be strong.....you cannot tolerate 3 people in your marriage. You can only accept she goes immediate no-contact, breaks it marriage over. Don't go soft, no middle ground. She wants the marriage or does not, if she hesitates ask her to leave the house and infirm her your seeing an attorney.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

Go to a father's rights oriented divorce attorney and start formulating a divorce plan of action. Also go to Dads divorce and read everything you can find in the forums written by men who have already gone through divorce so you can educate yourself and prepare yourself if things don't improve and you get served with divorce papers by her.

Remember, a good offense is the best defense.

 

thanks guys. I will start looking for a lawyer tomorrow so I can discuss my options, I really don't want to get a divorce I want to work this **** out, I want my family together. We both own the house 50/50 legally I can't ask her to leave, what a ****ing mess I'm in... should I confront him???? after all he was such a ****ing friend????

 

Confront him, expose to her and his family, move her a$$ to the couch, get control of the finances. Does she work? Read up on the 180 approach - conversations only about kids and the affair - no small talk - don't give or show affection to her.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I'm going to, can't wait for the BS I will hear!!! His father is a reverend and he comes from a very religious family although he no longer believes in God. Yes she works. I gonna look for the 180 and read it up. Never thought I would go through something like this!!!

 

Don't even think about forgiving her and saving the marriage before she cuts contact with the other guy and commits to the marriage. Don't try to fix it before she acknowledges what happened.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity
Posted via Mobile Device

 

You may want your mge., but right now your mge. is comprised of you, him, and your wife---You do not wnat to be part of a 3some.

You must be somewhat harsh about this---very calmly, w/out breaking down, and with an ice cold demeanor, tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but by the same token, you do control what you do

You give her NO CHOICES---she either ends her friendship, and goes completely NC, immediately, or you will end the mge.

Tell her she can go to him, tell her to pack all her belongings, and go, if that is what she wants. Tell her you will see an atty., immediately, and file for D.

Hopefully reality will set in, and she will see that what she is doing makes no sense, and will end it.

Your lack of relations with her, for the last however long, is more than likely due to the fact, that she is obsessing about him, and you are far back in 2nd place, he has been the big white elephant in your mge.

He is the cause of the crack in your mge.,---she may not get past this, and you may need to face the fact, that your mge., is over------

You need to bring her to the reality of all this, and force her to get off the fence, and decide which way she wants to go, either married to you, working toward R., or a life with someone, who she was unable to make it with in the 1st place

Also take all the marital assets/finances, and put them in an acct. with your name only on it---for now, also cancel all joint CC's----tell her if she wants any proceeds from the sale of the house---she needs to now pay her half of everything, starting immediately---that includes, car, all types of insurances, home expenses, and anything else

This hopefully will jerk her back to reality

If she decides to stay, have your boundaries ready, with actionable consequences.-------Also tell her she will need to sign a POST--NUP.

Do not argue with her, or discuss anything with her, do not raise your voice----say what you have to say, and leave---go run errands, go to work, whatever----and do not CONTACT HER, OR ANSWER HER----let her think about what her future will be like on her own, or with her lover, who she couldn't make it with before!!!!!!!

 

Thank you guys, I really appreciate the good advice and showing me the path through out all this mess, she is still locked in the room probably talking to him. I want to confront him, I really do, not sure what will change or not but c'mon I been here for this guy I want to know what he has to tell me. I will talk to her and put my foot down, also will start exposing this **** to her family and his family tomorrow. This is a nightmare...

 

This "friend" is a ****ing *******. So is your wife, for that matter. I'd think long and hard before deciding you want to stay married to a person like this.

 

Wife is not willing to go NC, just told me that if "is what I want" we can go ahead sell everything 50/50 (we both own the house and assets) and go our separate ways. They very "sorry" but they "really in love" and want to go ahead and "be happy" they "deserve it" I'm gonna follow your advice and will ignore her, no talk, nothing... This is really a nightmare...I'm also gonna call my dear "friend" I want hear from him!!!!!

 

just hacked wife's email chat account, the chats from this last two hours are awful, seems that confronting her just escalated the affair, they moving it to became a physical affair...I can't believe I'm going through this...they talking about "making love" "being inside her" it feels like knifes all over my body, wtf???? I feel numb...

 

Do you have kids, how old. How faraway does he live. I know hard but try to get some sleep, for God sake no drinking!
Posted via Mobile Device

 

yes, we have a 3 year old. He has been 3 states away staying with his brother, is moving back to his home 1 hour away this week.

 

Who's moving back? The other man?

 

Sorry, just read about your 3 year old son......you tell your wife that your son will never, never be around someone suffering from PTSD........that your son will stay with you if she leaves....
Posted via Mobile Device

 

I will, I don't want my son near him, he suffers from severe PTSD and was or is on medication, I won't go into details for obvious reasons but this guy went through and did some horrible things while deployed over there, I do not want my son near him.

 

Save all the evidence you find. Secure them in a safe place.

Get control of the finance immediately. Hide or secure them.

Do you live in an at-fault State?

Do you live in an "alienation of affection" State?

 

I live in a no fault state. I will take charge of our joint account tomorrow morning.

 

Then you had better do that first thing. We've seen many times when the WS is deep in the fog of their affair, that they will clean out any joing accounts and run up any credit cards.

You also need to consult a lawyer and see what your options are and try to get an temporary child custody order. Never just assume that children will go to the WW. And get the morality clause into there, that OM cant ever be around the children, with you mentioning is PTSD issues, that would help bolster your case.

If this OM has been in your marriage from the beginning like you describe, then this is yet another one of those cases that the entire marriage has been a lie. This is seen all the time, where the WS only settles with the BS (you) because they are the stable one, but keeps their former lover in their heart. Sorry to have to tell you this, but she only married you because you were there, while he went off into the military. She would have gladly married him if he didn't go away, you were only her second choice. We see this type of situation all the time here.

Since OM is divorced, there is no OMW to expose the affair to, but you can expose it to family and friends. Whether she admits it or not, she's been in a long term EA with him, so she's been very deep in the fog for a long time, which explains why she's been witholding sex from you. Sorry that you're in this situation.

I would say your chances of R are slim to none because OM has been involved in your marriage from the beginning. She's been in contact with him the entire marriage, provided a shoulder to cry on, and confiding their most intimate marital issues for him. It sucks to read another story where the WS has been with the OP before the marriage and all thru it the whole time.

 

yes he is moving back this week, I just found out this, he has been 3 states away since he was discharged.

 

Tomorrow when you're out, go get 1 or 2 voice activated recorders (VAR). They are fairly cheap.

Keep one with you at all times. Especially when around your wife. You dont want her to start accusing you of assault. The VAR may save you.

 

I'm gonna look for it and gonna get it, I'm in total disbelief I'm going through something like this.

 

Follow jnj advice in the post above.

Plan what you have to do tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a hectic day for you.

You dont move out. Doing so may jeopardize your chances of getting favorable custody of your son. Let your wife leave if she wants to.

 

Thanks, i really appreciate the advice I'm getting here. I'm gonna follow all the advice I'm getting, thank you for helping me out.