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Wife or 3 weeks caught in a bad lie

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148K views 380 replies 108 participants last post by  dogman  
#1 · (Edited)
I just found out that a guy my new wife works with was once a fling, we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,
I have asked her if there was anything between her and this guy before because of the way he acts when I am around, she always says no I have never had anything to do with him, she swore. Ive asked her more than on one occasion during our time together and she aways says no.
the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together and 3 weeks later asked her again and once more she denied it, then she said they just went out and it meant nothing, then I kept asking and she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
They work alone together at night in a hospital same room. Should I be pissed, I mean she lied to me her husband and she continued to lie, I even asked her on the night before our wedding if there was anything she wanted to tell me and of course she said no.

Who wouldn't be upset about this.

I understand the past is the past but This is not part of her past when she is still seeing this guy at work and textin and calling him.

Im not sure if I can get passed this. I hate liars, the first month of marriage and this comes out, it should of came out before we were married she had plenty of time to come clean.

What would you do?

I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says
 
#2 ·
If this is not a deal breaker then I don't know what is. She clearly has no problem lying to your face time and time again about an ex-lover. This is after only 3 weeks being married.
I think you should contact an attorney about an annulment.
I do not see how you could ever have any trust in her whatsoever. She destroyed this marriage and not you. Good luck.
 
#133 ·
Annulment ASAP.



Ugh.
It's probably not just the one time. Can you say trickle truth?
Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are living a lie.
Only weeks into marriage? Annul and get out!
You want to be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if your future kids are yours......?


Definitely trickle truthing going on. They worked alone, at night, in same room.

Did she insist on inviting this OM to your wedding?
 
#3 ·
They work alone together at night in a hospital same room.
Ugh.
It's probably not just the one time. Can you say trickle truth?
Don't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, you are living a lie.
Only weeks into marriage? Annul and get out!
You want to be walking on eggshells all the time, wondering if your future kids are yours......?
 
#4 ·
I would react the same as you. Why hide the fact that she slept with him??? She lied to you. Why???
Lies create doubts. Let her know that. I personally would tell her how it's made you feel mistrusting towards her and she needs to understand that a marriage is about being a team.

Have a long talk about it and find out why she lied. It's important to know
 
#5 ·
She is still calling him and texting him? WOW. I don't think you are overreacting at all. With out being married you experienced "trickle truth" that's when as you go on you find out more and more about a relationship. People with more experience and smarts than I will give you some great advice here. Your best bet is to listen to what they say and act! As for me, first thing I would do is insist that she change jobs...that would be the minimum. Good luck.
 
#6 ·
You have every reason to be upset about her denying that there had been anything between them. However, I would be more alarmed that they are texting and calling one other outside of work. She needs to be told very firmly that this needs to stop immediately, and any contact between them must be work related only.

How feasible is it for your W to have her transferred to another department?
 
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#10 ·
She probably didn't want to worry you as it meant nothing to her. But she needs I know that honesty is the only way forward
I believe you to be terribly wrong here. If it meant nothing it would not have been hidden. If it meant nothing she wouldnt be willing to risk the integritity of her marriage to cover it up
She lied because he nailed her, and won't commit to a relationship or is alreadyin one and she is his side ***** and she wants her cake and eat it too. You are being played.
 
#167 ·
I'm just reading this now... the double standard test tells all. I've also been on TAM a while... the "I got drunk and..." excuse is way over-used; you could almost call it the Sure Sign of Trickle Truth to Come.
 
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#9 ·
So sorry to hear this. Why wouldn't she admit it before NOW? I would be piss. HELL YES I would be. One month into marriage dear God. I just don't get people. Is her coworker married? Reason I feel this way, why aren't they together?

I no I should offering advice and moral support. Here a time your GUT was right and you believed her. I'm sooo sorry you have to WONDER DAILY. You have the right to be upset. What sucks now the trust is broken. So hard to get it back.
 
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#12 ·
"You are right I did lie and I should have been honest. I didn't lie to get what I wanted. I lied out of fear. The fear of being judged, of losing you and being a disappointment" --this is part of a email I recived this morning after leaving the house without saying a word to her.
and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.
 
#23 ·
and they dont call or text alot just ocasoinally and it is usally work related, he just had a kid with another woman and they are getting married.
How can you believe any of this? At the very least she is a proven liar. Maybe he is getting married ... but they work together and are intimately familiar with each other. There is absolutely nothing to stop them for having another go other than her word that she won't .. the word of a liar. Seeing a theme here?

You should be heading straight for annulment. Thanking your lucky stars you caught this early. At least that is what I would do. If on the other hand you can tolerate this type of dis-respect and humiliation from her, then at the very least she needs to quit that job ... AS OF YESTERDAY! Also, she is never to speak to that guy ever again. If she calls or emails him for "closure" ... dump her immediately.
 
#13 ·
This is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to the above, I would employ a VAR and computer monitoring software. Or I would have her change jobs. The red flags here are they are allegedly past lovers, she lied about their relationship, they work closely together alone, he acts weird around you, AND she continues to call and text him.
 
#16 ·
So he does have another oblication. Kid and soon to be wife. Bet your wife hates her! Seek attorney. Sounds like it was physical and still is emotional. Sad for you.
 
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#20 ·
Thing is I am pissed that she lied but it was along time ago and she had a bf for five years after their one nighter and I know he dated her roomate but what pisses me off is why did she lie she says cause she didnt want me to judge her but wtf, and who knows mby the bf before me found out and blew up about it, and thats why
I dont know Im just shocked
 
#31 ·
Oh yeah ... no friggin' way it was "only 1 time" .. cheaters always say that once they are caught. It's their way of attempting to minimize the crime in their spouse's mind.

Even though in this case it was before marriage, she is still attempting to minimize it so her husband won't be upset over the fact they still work together .. a lot.
 
#29 ·
we have been together for 3 years and we just got married a month ago,

I should mention they did the deed over 5 years ago. so she says
Thing is I am pissed that she lied but it was along time ago and she had a bf for five years after their one nighter
I'm confused on the timeline as what you've posted seems contradictory.

- She had her one nighter with this guy over 5 years ago, maybe 6.

- You've been together for 3 years and just got married.

- But you say she also dated a guy for 5 years after the one nighter with the guy from work.

Were you dating her at the same time she was dating the 5-year boyfriend?
 
#34 ·
Raulph,

You really need to get to the bottom of WHY she hid this from you .. even after your insistent asking her about it.

My guess, the only one that makes sense to me anyway, is that she still harbors feelings for this guy in some way shape or form.

PS: on 2nd thought .. it could be because she just "likes him" and wants to continue working there .. still unacceptable, though.
 
#104 ·
You really need to get to the bottom of WHY she hid this from you .. even after your insistent asking her about it.

My guess, the only one that makes sense to me anyway, is that she still harbors feelings for this guy in some way shape or form.
Could be she still has feelings. But another possibility is that her template for relationships is to use lies and deceptions to get what she wants. She may see it as acceptable to have secrets and to be dishonest within a marriage. It is possible she has no feelings for this old fling at all, but she was worried what her husband would think. Rather than talk about it, it was much easier and safer to just lie.

If that is the case it is a huge red flag. There is an underlying reason her rules for relationships would include dishonesty with her husband, and it must be discovered and dealt with if there is any hope of it changing.

Whatever is going on, this situation is not one to rugsweep!
 
#36 ·
the night before our wedding her friend made a comment about something and I kinda put two and two together
The fact that she told others and not you is very troubling. Your wife, the other man (OM), and her friends conspired to keep it a secret from you. At its core a marriage is suppose to be about you and your spouse as a single team on the inside, with the rest of the world on the outside. In this case she, the OM, and her friends were on the inside to this secret, with you as the only person not suppose to know the secret on the outside. Your wife does not understand what marraige is all about.

she finally admitted they slept together when they were drunk.
She lied. She is still lying. Trickle truth is admitting only what you have to admit and lying about everything else. When confronted they always say that it happened only one time and that they were drunk. If this were true, why would she have lied about it all this time? Why would her friends know? Why would she tell her friends not to tell you?

She lied because the romantic relationship with the OM was more extensive than she has told you so far. She lied because even if it was just once (which it is not), she knows that you would reasonably be expected to ask her to end all contact with the OM (even if means that she changes jobs), and she values keeping the OM in her life more than she values honesty to you.

Tell her to get another job and to end all contact with the OM. Tell her that in addition to this, you want the whole truth now about how extensive the relationship was, as it would be very bad to learn anything more later that she does not tell you now. Do not give her time to think about it. Tell her that her not immediately committing to your requests, will be taken by you as not saying yes and treated accordingly with divorce or annulment.
 
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