I'll try and make this brief. Looking for advice. My wife (44) and I (45) have been married for 21 years and in relationship for almost 28 years. We are high school sweethearts. We have two children 18 & 13.
All in all we've had an incredible marriage, no rough patches. Roughly 4 months ago, my wife started pushing me away pretty hard. I was absolutely blindsided by this. She was "wanting space",needing things", "changing", etc etc. Ultimately, I discovered that her "fundraising" with my child's high school softball team went beyond fundraising and she was having an inappropriate relationship with the Softball Coach. Hours and hours of phone conversations, some in the middle of the night (one on an out of town girls weekend after they took psychedelic mushrooms - first time since college and her idea - and after her friend went to bed). I confronted her and after several lies, she acknowledged she f***ed up. She was a wreck. She lost a bunch of weight and was very worried about her reputation. She started seeing a therapist. I believe this man targeted my wife and asked her to fundraise and then did concessions duties with her, brought her along on coaches dinners and team building events with the kids.
My wife out of guilt talked to my oldest daughter, who is a senior in high school and has worked verv hard at this sport, but did not tell her who this person was, just that she was "talking with someone" and they she would stop. The only thing that she has admitted to me (without discovering on my own), is that after records show phone calls ramping way up, they took their relationship to a private messaging app. She said that they "had feelings for each other" and that she "couldn't like two people at once". She opened up to her parents after discovery and to her siblings about it (although much more limited in detail).
My wife told myself and my daughter that she was no longer and would no longer talk to this person. However, I overheard them having a conversation and it was very painful as they were talking about me ("he will be gone at x time", "what would you do if he showed up at your door", and something that if I had the context right leads me to believe they have long term plans). I believe this to be an emotional affair by definition, but some other clues are very suspicious to something more than that (I know she was at odd remote locations late at night in the dark and when asked about this (after initially lying), she said she had "went out there to call him").
Throughout I have been very supportive and told her we could work through this and that I desperately wanted to keep our family together. Ultimately, she told me she "didn't want our relationship anymore". She said she had lost feelings for me. This remains her decision and she has stuck with it. I fear divorce is looming. I am absolutely heartbroken about it. My life has been flipped upside down. I am super scared and so sad for my kids.
I confronted this guy when I knew nobody else was around. He absolutely denies everything. His spouse called me later on and she dismissed everything and said that they were just fundraising and that the team has worked hard and Softball, Softball, Softball, "they are going to win state". She says he is the most honest man she knows and that he swears by the "kingdom of heaven...". I should note that this coach is married with five children (Mormon). Turns out he had called my wife to prepare her for his wife (and him) calling her. My wife denied everything to his wife saying that her and I are just going through some marital problems and "sorry for bringing them into it".
Again, I am absolutely traumatized by all of this and super sad. My wife has been lying and gaslighting me. She is now over-the-top interested in my daughter's softball team and oddly acting as if she is part of the coaching squad. I think this is a way of strengthening the guise of "fundraising" as to protect her reputation should this get out to the community. So ultimately I would look like a jealous or crazy husband (I've had no reason our entire marriage to doubt or distrust her). The season just started and she will be going to all the games, but I am having a really hard time deciding whether to attend those games. It will be gut wrenching and awkward. This is the game that I taught my daughter and coached her at a young age. My wife continues to fundraise and will receive praise for the new bleachers, equipment, etc. Obviously she is still working with this guy.
I am absolutely struggling to decide when or whether to tell my daughter who this person is that ruined our family and rocked my world. Does she deserve to know? Is she going to resent that I did didn't tell her? Would telling her cause too much pain for her? My wife's family is adamant my daughter not know, but there is obviously some motive of protecting my wife. At one point, my daughter on her own asked me with tears..."ls it my coach"? I froze and asked her talk to my wife who told her "no it is not".
She lied to her. Anyway, a lot of complicated layers, but I am really having a tough time navigating this.
All in all we've had an incredible marriage, no rough patches. Roughly 4 months ago, my wife started pushing me away pretty hard. I was absolutely blindsided by this. She was "wanting space",needing things", "changing", etc etc. Ultimately, I discovered that her "fundraising" with my child's high school softball team went beyond fundraising and she was having an inappropriate relationship with the Softball Coach. Hours and hours of phone conversations, some in the middle of the night (one on an out of town girls weekend after they took psychedelic mushrooms - first time since college and her idea - and after her friend went to bed). I confronted her and after several lies, she acknowledged she f***ed up. She was a wreck. She lost a bunch of weight and was very worried about her reputation. She started seeing a therapist. I believe this man targeted my wife and asked her to fundraise and then did concessions duties with her, brought her along on coaches dinners and team building events with the kids.
My wife out of guilt talked to my oldest daughter, who is a senior in high school and has worked verv hard at this sport, but did not tell her who this person was, just that she was "talking with someone" and they she would stop. The only thing that she has admitted to me (without discovering on my own), is that after records show phone calls ramping way up, they took their relationship to a private messaging app. She said that they "had feelings for each other" and that she "couldn't like two people at once". She opened up to her parents after discovery and to her siblings about it (although much more limited in detail).
My wife told myself and my daughter that she was no longer and would no longer talk to this person. However, I overheard them having a conversation and it was very painful as they were talking about me ("he will be gone at x time", "what would you do if he showed up at your door", and something that if I had the context right leads me to believe they have long term plans). I believe this to be an emotional affair by definition, but some other clues are very suspicious to something more than that (I know she was at odd remote locations late at night in the dark and when asked about this (after initially lying), she said she had "went out there to call him").
Throughout I have been very supportive and told her we could work through this and that I desperately wanted to keep our family together. Ultimately, she told me she "didn't want our relationship anymore". She said she had lost feelings for me. This remains her decision and she has stuck with it. I fear divorce is looming. I am absolutely heartbroken about it. My life has been flipped upside down. I am super scared and so sad for my kids.
I confronted this guy when I knew nobody else was around. He absolutely denies everything. His spouse called me later on and she dismissed everything and said that they were just fundraising and that the team has worked hard and Softball, Softball, Softball, "they are going to win state". She says he is the most honest man she knows and that he swears by the "kingdom of heaven...". I should note that this coach is married with five children (Mormon). Turns out he had called my wife to prepare her for his wife (and him) calling her. My wife denied everything to his wife saying that her and I are just going through some marital problems and "sorry for bringing them into it".
Again, I am absolutely traumatized by all of this and super sad. My wife has been lying and gaslighting me. She is now over-the-top interested in my daughter's softball team and oddly acting as if she is part of the coaching squad. I think this is a way of strengthening the guise of "fundraising" as to protect her reputation should this get out to the community. So ultimately I would look like a jealous or crazy husband (I've had no reason our entire marriage to doubt or distrust her). The season just started and she will be going to all the games, but I am having a really hard time deciding whether to attend those games. It will be gut wrenching and awkward. This is the game that I taught my daughter and coached her at a young age. My wife continues to fundraise and will receive praise for the new bleachers, equipment, etc. Obviously she is still working with this guy.
I am absolutely struggling to decide when or whether to tell my daughter who this person is that ruined our family and rocked my world. Does she deserve to know? Is she going to resent that I did didn't tell her? Would telling her cause too much pain for her? My wife's family is adamant my daughter not know, but there is obviously some motive of protecting my wife. At one point, my daughter on her own asked me with tears..."ls it my coach"? I froze and asked her talk to my wife who told her "no it is not".
She lied to her. Anyway, a lot of complicated layers, but I am really having a tough time navigating this.
