Yes. My best advice is to stay away from alcohol, drugs, and dating sites. And don't try to keep tabs on her.

You will need to go through quite a lot of pain. You can't short-cut that. Sorry.

does anyone ever really know anyone?

Good question. I'd say no, not entirely. But I'm sure others here will disagree with me.

 

I could use some advice. She left last night. I guess I’ll just spell this out as plainly as I can. She cheated on me. She insulted me. She belittled everything I’ve ever done in this life. Then she left me for the man she was having an affair with.

She insulted and belittled you because she HAS to -- YOU have to be the bad guy in her story, that you "drove" her to it, so it's ALL your fault. That's BS of course, but it's her way of trying to maintain her self-image that she's not a cheater. The reality is she's nothing more than a common-place, low-morals person. The cheating is 100% on her.

The “she” is my wife of six years. Or maybe only five years. It seems she’s been in love with someone else for the past year. Or so she told me. She’s 30, I’m 31M. I am the simplest man you will ever meet. I work with my hands. I pray on my knees. I don’t lie. I ask for nothing but to be paid the same love and respect I give. Maybe with her that was asking too much.

I grew up in a small rural town in Georgia, USA. My dad passed when I was 17. My mom was disabled so I dropped out of school and took a job working construction to help her and my little brother. By the time I was 25 I was a pretty good carpenter, mason, electrician, and mechanic. I could build a roof, wire up a house, or fix an engine pretty well. I was even handy with air conditioners. My grandpa passed in 2014 and left me six acres of good land and I began building a house on it for myself. I did most the work alone. I even made a good bit of the furniture in it. It took almost two years of night and weekend work to finish. I was very proud of it. It isn’t fancy. It isn’t all that big but it was sturdy, simple, nice, and it was all mine.

I met my wife in 2017. She was working in the office of her father’s building materials business. She was short, petite, had beautiful blue eyes and freckles. When I first met her I was so struck I think I said something dumb, but I don’t even remember what it was. She smiled at me, and I swear I forgot my own name! I started finding reasons to visit and offered to so some work for her father. Soon we started having lunch together. Then I got my courage up and asked her out.

Being with her made me very happy. Happier than anything ever had. The night I got home from our first date I worked out a budget to put money away for the diamond ring I was already sure I was going to buy her someday. We dated for a year before I proposed to her while watching the sun set on a trip to Clearwater Beach. She said yes and cried. Maybe I did too a little.

After a year we had a small church wedding and a beautiful trip to the Bahamas. She moved into my house. Well, she was basically living there anyway. We just made it official after the wedding. She seemed so happy and content. She redecorated the whole place. We planted trees, flowers, even a vegetable garden together. We adopted a kitten together. I built that house, but she made it feel like a home. She made it come alive. She made me come alive. We were talking about starting our family. Life was just perfect. And then it wasn’t.

She changed. It wasn’t gradual. It happened very quickly. She was always irritated. Nothing made her happy. She was mad at the cat. She was mad at me. She used to tell me how much she loved our house. Then she hated it. She hated her car. She hated her clothes. She hated her life and blamed me for all of it. She hated how everything we had was “cheap”. That really stung because we worked hard for everything we had. We were not rich, but we had no debt. We owned almost everything we had outright. Everything we had was nice. None of it was cheap or junk like she said. For her birthday I had made her a makeup/vanity table with mirrors, lights, storage. I carved floral scrollwork into the edges and legs and sealed it all in pink hued clear resin. It was some of my best work ever. This was something she had always said she wanted. Her appreciation was half hearted and she later criticized me for not buying her something nice. That was not her only gift, by the way.
She started staying out, visiting her sister on weekends, having drinks with her coworkers. I really didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t tell what was causing this. This went on for couple of months before I started trying to put a stop to it and get to the bottom what was wrong. That led to some pretty terrible arguments.

So again, just so you realize -- ALL of those complaints about you, the house, everything -- we her justifying in her mind allowing her to cheat. HER fault.

Then, this past Tuesday it happened. I got home from work and there she was on the front porch carrying two full suitcases to her car. I asked her “Just like that? No explanation?” She told me she had fallen out of love with me. She wasn’t happy. She couldn’t stay. I asked her what happened to us. She said “I’ve changed. You haven’t”. I told her that was the first thing she said that I completely agreed with in a very long time. She rolled her eyes at that. As she opened the car door to leave, I grabbed it and held on. I asked her if there was someone else. She said “No”.

Yeah, she changed into a cheating P.I.T.A. YOU stayed loyal and loving. Again this is NOT on you.
And OF COURSE she lied to you -- don't expect a cheater to tell you the truth. VERY few of them do.

I found out the next day that was a lie.

Her father and I are close. He reminds me of my dad. I had done carpentry work for him over the years, And I fixed one of the forklifts he used at his business. It’s through him I met my wife. The night after she left, I was sitting on the front porch not knowing what to do with myself when he pulled up. He walked up to the porch carrying a bottle of bourbon and two glasses. He sat down and poured three fingers in each glass and handed one to me. All he said was “Son, I’m sorry”.

I always thought of myself as a man’s man. I don’t get emotional. I don’t get angry or upset. I can count on one hand all the times I’ve cried as an adult. I almost broke down when he said that. But what came next was the worst. He apologized for what she did. “Leaving you for that man” were his exact words. It turns out there was someone else. There had been for a while.

She came back yesterday to get the rest of her things. She said she wanted to talk. She said she didn’t want to leave with me hating her. I don't know how she thought this was going to end any other way. But I was calm and cold. I said I had just one question; why? She said she never wanted to hurt me. “It just happened” she said. But she was in love with the other man and he will “give her a better future than I ever could" as she put it. I stared at her for a few seconds after that. It felt like I’d been punched. I told her she should get her things and leave.

Again she is trying to justify what she did -- don't let her comments get to you.
Also, DO NOT try to keep it quiet that she cheated on you -- tell everyone -- friends, family, etc.. There is no reason to try to protect her. She did what she did, and YOU should make it clear so that she doesn't re-write your history together to make it look like this is your fault.

I did have one last laugh though. She packed her clothes and things into hefty trash bags and carried them to her car. I imaged she was taking out the trash. And she was. That made me smile.

EXACTLY!!!!

I never asked who he was. I guess it doesn’t matter. I couldn’t make her stay and wouldn’t even if I could. She’s so different now from the girl I loved. I feel like I don’t know her. But if people can change so much so quickly, does anyone ever really know anyone?
This is where I need the advice. What do I do now? I’ve been sitting here since. Not really knowing. I guess next week I’ll have to hire a lawyer. I have a home and assets to protect. There are work projects I could be doing but I can’t concentrate. I don’t want to go anywhere and I don’t want to stay here. Our cat, well my cat now because she left him too, keeps trying to distract me. It isn’t really working. I feel like I’m lost and can’t find my way. I know in a little while I’ll be fine. The sun will come up and all this will eventually pass. The Georgia vs Texas game comes on in three hours but right now I can’t even make myself care.

A lot of you folks have been where I am now. How to you get yourself through the bad times?

The ONLY reason to find out who this guy is would be to out him to everyone -- maybe he has a wife? Maybe he has a gf? THEY should be told what he did if that is the case. Also, you may want to make sure he's not one of your friends... it happens.

ABSOLUTELY get a lawyer ASAP. TODAY -- lock up your bank accounts so that SHE cannot take any money out. The good thing is your house/land are YOURS, so she has zero claim to that. Realize that she is NOT a friend, or ally. YOU need to make sure you 100% protect yourself in this divorce.
You don't want to do anything because you are depressed -- for obvious reasons. IF you want, see your Dr to help with that temporarily.

As Churchill said -- when in hell, keep walking. Exercise, eat right, do your work, do some hobbies, just hang with friends. Just put one foot in front of the other, realize that SHE was taking advantage of you. She realized how much you loved her and she used that against you.

VERY sorry you are going through this.

 

She insulted and belittled you because she HAS to -- YOU have to be the bad guy in her story, that you "drove" her to it, so it's ALL your fault. That's BS of course, but it's her way of trying to maintain her self-image that she's not a cheater. The reality is she's nothing more than a common-place, low-morals person. The cheating is 100% on her.


So again, just so you realize -- ALL of those complaints about you, the house, everything -- we her justifying in her mind allowing her to cheat. HER fault.


Yeah, she changed into a cheating P.I.T.A. YOU stayed loyal and loving. Again this is NOT on you.
And OF COURSE she lied to you -- don't expect a cheater to tell you the truth. VERY few of them do.


Again she is trying to justify what she did -- don't let her comments get to you.
Also, DO NOT try to keep it quiet that she cheated on you -- tell everyone -- friends, family, etc.. There is no reason to try to protect her. She did what she did, and YOU should make it clear so that she doesn't re-write your history together to make it look like this is your fault.



EXACTLY!!!!


The ONLY reason to find out who this guy is would be to out him to everyone -- maybe he has a wife? Maybe he has a gf? THEY should be told what he did if that is the case. Also, you may want to make sure he's not one of your friends... it happens.

ABSOLUTELY get a lawyer ASAP. TODAY -- lock up your bank accounts so that SHE cannot take any money out. The good thing is your house/land are YOURS, so she has zero claim to that. Realize that she is NOT a friend, or ally. YOU need to make sure you 100% protect yourself in this divorce.
You don't want to do anything because you are depressed -- for obvious reasons. IF you want, see your Dr to help with that temporarily.

As Churchill said -- when in hell, keep walking. Exercise, eat right, do your work, do some hobbies, just hang with friends. Just put one foot in front of the other, realize that SHE was taking advantage of you. She realized how much you loved her and she used that against you.

VERY sorry you are going through this.

the comments pretty much "nails it" for what she is and has done to you

Think of her as a car that has been wrecked - time to give it to the re-cycling yard.

 

I agree with all of the above. OP, you need to act in a way that will allow you to regain your self respect and move through this mess as quickly as possible. I recommend you do the following:

1. Implement the 180/gray rock with her when contact can't be avoided, otherwise go 100% no contact. Do not yell and scream or go after her, just act like she is some person you really don't know if you happen to see her
2. Interview/choose a lawyer, and file as soon as you can. Have her served at work, don't tell her it's coming (you are no contact, remember?). You do not want to take the chance of her filing first, as she will then be able to control the pace of the divorce, and it will support her lies about divorcing you for whatever perceived slights she will come up with to tell people
3. Hit they gym, take up a good hobby and avoid alcohol
4. Get therapy if it's available and you can afford it.
5. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover
6. DO NOT entertain any discussions with her that are not about the divorce, bills, etc. Do not give her a chance to "explain herself" further. Just shut her out.

You will get through this, you are still a young guy and better times are ahead. Good luck.

 

Interview/choose a lawyer, and file as soon as you can. Have her served at work, don't tell her it's coming (you are no contact, remember?). You do not want to take the chance of her filing first, as she will then be able to control the pace of the divorce, and it will support her lies about divorcing you for whatever perceived slights she will come up with to tell people

This.

First thing Monday morning.

 

Copy paste

 

That's what I was thinking

 

Wow
That totally sucks
In something different but similar now.

Hang in there, it's tough and no drinking doesn't help

 

@Livvie meaning AI?

 

No...just quoting the OP because there have been a ton of deleters lately.

 

OP, simply put you married a loser of a woman. As time goes on, you'll come to realize that you're lucky that she revealed what a shi-tty person she is this early in your marriage. No kids and your still plenty young to start over. Wipe her from your life like you'd clean dog waste off your shoe. Stay strong, take care of yourself and absolutely don't give her the satisfaction of looking like you care what she does.

 

Let her go. You don’t deserve her ****. You know you are well respected when her father comes over to console you with bourbon. Go dark. No communication with her except through her lawyer and your lawyer. Follow your lawyers advice.
Secondly, watch football! Lots of football. Say away from using booze to ease the pain.

Let her be someone else’s problem not yours. Look forward not back. Please keep in mind where you are currently at is temporary not permanent. This too shall pass. From the description of her that i get from your post, she may have done you a favor by leaving.

Left foot right foot….breath repeat! you are going to be fine.

 

I like the positive comments
It's that daily struggle and someone said next thing you know six months or a year have gone by

 

Get the best divorce lawyer you can find. Burn her world. Have her charge with abandonment. Talk with your lawyer about suing her AP for alienation of affection. If she works with him, what until the divorce is finished, turn them in for a work place affair. Try to take their jobs from them. Cheaters deserve no mercy.

Don’t let her blame you for what she did. She is nothing but a gold digger.

 

Women are dumb. I’m a woman and I can say this. The end.

 

Through the pain, it does sound like you have your head screwed on properly. Not your fault. Some people are broken. Some people are broken and can't be fixed. My late wife was one.

There are things you should do.

1. Immediately get legal help. Seek out and hire the biggest pit bull lawyer in your county. Don't put this off!!!!
2. Protect your assets. She may not want your stuff now, but her new boyfriend may see you as a financial asset.
3. Count your blessings that this happened before children, before a "long term marriage"--usually 10+ years in which case she'd claim half your money, retirement accounts and property as she'd have been sure to co-mingle everything.
4. Start carrying a small voice activated recorder and turn it on when she's around. You've got a "Y" chromosome and the cops and courts will screw you if she just yells "Domestic Violence."

Sorry you're here.

 

Sucks man, Itl hurt for a time.
You didnt mention kids so thats a massive bonus.
All the folks on here have sound advise for protecting yourself/assets etc, its likely she may want to come back a few months down the line so be prepared for that.
Otherwise physical and mental health and keeping a good routine/habits are helpful moving forward, avoid anything sedative and find someone to vent to when your down.

Any pain can be a good motivator for self improvement etc

All the best

 

Realizing you didn’t lose much will help you. Let her go fully. Purge everything about her. Cut off contact except for divorce info.
Get to an attorney and protect yourself. Get to the bank. Close out all accounts, cancel any joint credit cards, etc.
Divorce is a business decision. Finances matter.
Expect her family to side with her. Blood is usually thicker than water.
Sorry you’re here but you will get through this.
They only come back if it doesn’t work out for them.
If you want to know more go online and check her phone bill. She’s been cheating for awhile. His number will be there,
Don’t think this is your fault. It’s on her.
Keep posting for more info.

 

I`ve mentioned this many times on TAM.
My first wife after 7 years and 2 kids later dumped me for a lover.
She was 30 and I was 29.
I being young and inexperienced didn't know what hit me. Arrived home from work one evening and she was gone with the kids without warning.
To cut a long story short I was legally lynched by my wife and the divorce system, lost everything, after the court got me out the house she moved her lover into what was our marital home.

Trust me on this one, don`t just sit on your behind and do nothing because I guarantee your loving wife who just like my wife became my worse enemy will be after your assets and alimony.
Hope you have evidence of her affair but that won`t matter if in a no fault divorce system.

See a lawyer, like yesterday don`t delay before as my wife did places you on the defence.
Sorry this has happened to you, I know how it feels.

 

So sorry you're facing this. Youve received some good advice here. Id follow a lot of it to the letter.

Im gonna take stab at what has transpired.

You sound like a hard-working, pull-yourself up-by-your-bootstraps, straightforward, uncomplicated kind of guy (good for you btw). Unfortunately, unknown to you, you married anything but that. Oh, she may have fronted it to get you on the hook, but that facade dropped quickly after the wedding, didnt it. Old timers used to call this a "false front" which is what youve now encountered. This happens a lot.

Why would she go through all of this to drop you so quickly? Who knows? Maybe she had a wildly romanticized view of what marriage was all about and discovered that it was just like the rest of life, hard work. Maybe she saw your home and land and saw an easy mark with a guy who fell for her fast and hard. On top of that, maybe her Daddy spoiled the hell out of her making her incredibly entitled. Additionally, maybe she was conniving enough to stay in the marriage just long enough to go after your assets when she left you. Maybe it was all of the above. Regardless of the toxic mix in her soul, she was not who you thought she was.

Three things you need to do asap.

1. See an attorney immediately. I have a sneaking suspicion she stayed just long enough that the marroage cannot be annulled and must go through the full divorce process and try to get $$$ out of your assets, premarital or not. You definitely need to find out if you are in an "at fault" or "no fault" state.

2. Go to a clinic and get tested for std's and sti's. Do not put this off.

3. Find a betrayal trauma specialist and start seeing them at least wekly for a while. Youll need help with this or it will f up your head for a very very long time.

The last thing I want to say to you is that you seem like a nice guy. Sadly, nice guys get rolled way too many times. Please read:

• No More Mr Nice Guy

• The Way of The Superior Man

And internalize it. You will become stronger and wiser.

Keep posting here.

 

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels, how betrayed you feel now and the multitude of emotions you are going through. I wen't through most of the things myself not too long ago. My story is here on the forum and you can see, by following the thread, how things have progressed in the past 9 months.

I won't be giving you any legal advice since I come from a completely different country. But, I will tell you what helped me.

My family was by my side and extremely helpful. They supported me, provided advice, help (both emotional and financial), and stood near me when I only saw darkness in front of me. So were my friends. I don't have many, but the very few that I do have were very supportive. I spent countless hours on the phone with some of them and jut having someone to talk too was of more help than I could have ever imagined. Others took me on hiking trips with them or invited me out just so I have something else to think about. It was hard, but you can push through it and come out on top.

You are a strong man. I read your entire post and, even though it may not feel like it right now, you are strong and you can not only survive, but thrive. It will take some time, so have patience. For me it took about 3 months until I could accept that things are indeed over. After that I saw improvements almost constantly.

Now, If you read my story, there are some key differences. I have a child and my ex, and at least in the start, I had to pick up both parent's role. This, even though it was hard, gave me a purpose and the energy to get out of bed.

I also started therapy right away. This was also extremely helpful and allowed me to process my emotions, my thoughts, and to understand that this was not a "me" problem. Also, this forum was very helpful. I got great advice, I met people that actually cared for me even though we are all strangers that never met in real life. It was a place for me to vent, to get advice or just to not feel alone. Because I often felt alone.

Now, to end on a positive note. You will survive this and you will be even better on the long run. You are young (even younger than I am), hard working, with your own place and healthy. Don't rush into thing, give yourself time to heal and to be an even better of yourself. But you must accept that this is over and, no matter what she sais, don't take her back. In some situations, they come crawling back (not always), but you must not take her back. And eventually, you will meet someone new, someone who will appreciate you and who will fulfill needs you did not even knew you had.

P.S. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I know how much it can help just having someone to talk too. I am you 9-10 months from now.

 

@BluePencil your exemplary progress in a few months will help OP and others. Recall many telling you that when you were at emotional bottom.

The sun also rises.

 

I was lucky. I am well aware that most don't reach this point this quick. And it is ok. Each have their own pace and time they need to heal.

 

@D Johnson See a lawyer and check out your bank accounts, etc. Change banking passwords online today.

 

My biggest advice is take off your rose colored glasses and open your eyes and see her for what she really is and not what you thought and hoped she would be.

You will quickly see that she is a Cee Uou Next Tuesday.

As Chump Lady always says in her blogs and podcasts etc - “Trust that they suck.”

In other words trust that she really is this bad and really is the monster you are seeing and experiencing with your own eyes..

….. and act accordingly.

Get to the lawyer ASAP Monday morning and protect yourself legally and financially.

She is the kind of person that will empty out all joint accounts, run up debt in your name, and file false domestic abuse charges to get you thrown out and locked out your own house, lose you 2A rights and be treated as criminal by the court system.

Get a good divorce attorney ASAP and then do what the attorney says and do not do what the attorney says not to do and do not do anything that is not on the advice of counsel.

every instinctive idea you have in how to handle her and this situation will be wrong and every decision you make without counsel will be a bad one that will bite you in the butt.

Your # 1 job now is to protect yourself and move on with your own life doing what will be in your own best interests without regards to her.

She has chosen her own fate without regard to you. You need to do the same in order to protect yourself and your assets and interests.

 

Read this over and over OP. Itll harden your resolve.

 

Thank you so much for the feedback everyone. I am taking your advice to heart. I've been totally NC to her since Friday. She actually texted me twice today then called me. I ignored her calls and texts. I don't know what her game is but I'm not playing. I took the week off work and should have legal representation soon. The assets I care about, my home, truck, tools, etc were mine before I met her. They should be safe.

 

The assets I care about, my home, truck, tools, etc were mine before I met her. They should be safe.

Don't make that assumption!

You need to get a competent divorce attorney and do exactly what he/she says to preserve as much of your assets as possible.

Depending on the divorce laws of your jurisdiction, she will be entitled to a certain percentage of the marital assets.

Each jurisdiction will have a different method for determing which assets are fair game for distribution and which are not.... and that often does not have anything to do with what YOU may think is fair game or not.

You never divorce the same woman you married. You have to look at her as the enemy now that is out to get you and take all your stuff.

In the bottom of the 9th she may opt to not go for your jugular and to just walk away with whatever she needs. But she always has the option to at least attempt to walk away with everything. There are people that have dug their heels in and fought tooth and nail for years racking up hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees and lawyer bills over stupid stuff just because they want to be an ass.

She has shown her true colors of being an ass so do not turn your back or assume that anything is safe from her.

 

Try to get a female divorce lawyer that hates cheaters with an unhealthy passion.

 

Hey everyone. I have retained a lawyer. He says we are in pretty good shape at first look. Not much to fight over.

 

OK now the thing you need to be aware of is there is a very good chance once things start getting real and papers start getting filed and the realities of the situation start sinking in, there is a very real chance she will show up at your door in the middle of the night wanting a do over.

This will be a certainty if this other guy decides she was fun to fool around with as a married woman as a side piece but doesn’t actually want her full time as a partner who will now want him to change her flat tires in the rain and kill big scary spiders around the house.

Heed this warning seriously for this happens all the time.

guys that get with married women do so because WWs are all fun and games with the OM because they have a husband at home to pay bills, fix leaky fawcets, pick up dog poop in the yard and change their flats.

Once the WW starts expecting the OM to do those things, he often looses interest and bails.

That leaves her out in the cold so she comes back assuming you’ll just take her back after some crocodile tears and claiming she had some kind of crazy moment.

Its easy to think you’ve had some kind of victory and best out the OM and that she has come to her senses.

but before you consider welcoming her back, you need to acknowledge that she dumped you with cold calculation and sincerely thought the OM was the bigger, better deal (BBD)

she had lost all love and respect and desire for you.

She’s just back now because he didn’t actually want her after all and now she needs a roof over her head.

 

Glad to see you got an attorney. Get out as cleanly and as fast as you can. Don’t settle for anything less than fair.

You’ve made a huge step in the direction of being happy again. Once you start taking real steps toward getting her out of your life, you will start feeling better. It takes a long time. Healing is so slow it’s worse than watching grass grow. I’d almost guarantee that you see this agonizing ordeal as a blessing, a few years from now.

You have done FAR better than most. You don’t have kids with her and you’re plenty young enough to start over. Please, if o could give you a piece of advice: DO NOT even consider marriage again for several years no matter how wonderful the woman is you meet. Let this ordeal get completely out if your system and preferably date several women before even considering another long term relationship. Enjoy being single for a good while.

 

Enjoy being single for a good while.

Wonderful advice! @D Johnson will be in high demand by the ladies. A man’s man! Built his own house with his own hands?!? The women will be fighting one another over him. No reason for him to be in any rush to lock himself down. His ex is going to kick herself for leaving him.

 

You are doing well D. Keep on keepin' on.

maybe he has a wife?

This is a fair point. You were blindsided but now you know. It's quite possible there is some other poor woman out there equally blindsided or about to be. If you can figure out if there is another betrayed spouse or girl friend out there, it would be good to let her know.

I really don't understand what game she's playing here.

She needs to feel better about herself. She knows she did a sh*tty thing. But if you are "doing OK" , well, she can feel slightly less guilty. Also, she may be trying to spin narrative out there to make herself look like a caring ex-spouse. This is one reason to possibly find out if there is another betrayed significant other out there. She (on these sites that person is referred to as "the other betrayed spouse" / OBS) can share information with you that might show how long, and how deceptive, your STBXW has been. As the divorce progresses she's likely going to paint you as an ugly, controlling (fill in derogatory term du jour) etc. So having some "dirt" ready won't hurt.