[D Johnson]

It is her trying to ease her guilt for her cheating.

I amazes me that someone who did what she did, said what she said, and left the way she did is capable of feeling guilt.

 

[Evinrude58]

I amazes me that someone who did what she did, said what she said, and left the way she did is capable of feeling guilt.

That’s what people who have a lot of evil in them do……. They’re capable of spinning things in their head to somehow absolve themselves of guilt.

Everyone is a hero in their own story, and everyone is a villain in someone else’s. You can bet when she tells her people the story, somehow you will be the villain. Remember during this divorce—-she will do the unthinkable time after time to beat you legally out of what you worked for….. cheaters do this 99% of the time. The sense of entitlement and selfcenteredness is what made them cheaters to start with. It just gets worse during a divorce, especially when they see their betrayed spouse internally kicking them off the pedestal, which I hope you’ve done.

 

[Evinrude58]

Double post

 

[oldshirt]

I amazes me that someone who did what she did, said what she said, and left the way she did is capable of feeling guilt.

She doesn’t. It’s not guilt.

It’s part of image management.

And it’s also a ploy to get you to lower your shield and lower your weapons against her to give her even more advantage over you and over the situation. It’s an attempt to keep you under her control.

Be warned that once she catches on you have retained legal counsel and are playing hardball and that she is not going to just tip toe through the tulips and get everything she wants out of the deal, she may turn violent and destructive.

She’s not going to come to your house and beat you up. (Although she may have her OM or his cronies do so)

But things like false charges of domestic abuse or that you are involved in some kind of fraud or criminal activity with your business, theft from your house, or vandalism to your car etc are well within her wheelhouse.

She has shown traits and characteristics that if things don’t go her way, she can react destructively.

This is why it’s important to strictly go through your lawyer, do NOT engage with her no matter how badly you want to tell her off, and most importantly document everything, keep accurate records of everything and keep ALL of her communications to you.

I’d honestly even suggest setting up house cameras if you haven’t already done so.
….. and if course do not tell her.

 

[D Johnson]

I tried this for years, and it didn't work for me. As much as I swore I would never do it, and took my time building trust in him, I still got screwed because yeah, eventually I trusted him. And when he dumped me, after stealing $10k from me, he told me that one of a laundry list of my problems was that I never fully trusted him. I still want to 😂 and 🤮 at the same time.

If you can figure out how to set this boundary and KEEP IT, let me know, will ya?

Oh, and I can't believe it hasn't been mentioned so far, but change your locks. Now. The Home Depot's open till 10!

P.S. It's nice to know there's somebody else on this board that's in my neck of the woods! I'm in SC and my neighbors are HUGE Bulldogs fans. Go Dawgs!

Go Dawgs!

 

[D Johnson]

Why is it then that men are generally far quicker to date and marry again after a divorce or bereavement? I see it all the time.

I can't speak for all men. But I'm done. I'm out of that game for good.

 

[Mr.Married]

I can't speak for all men. But I'm done. I'm out of that game for good.

Rentals are cheaper by far 😜

 

[Rus47]

"Sly as a s--t house rat" I am definitely stealing that one!

Completely agree with your advice though, I am 100% no contact. The lawyer advised we prepare a divorce petition but hold off on filing. If she files first it might save us a few bucks he said. We also discussed what she can and can't get a share of in our joint property. I'd be willing to pay off her car if she would just go away quietly. She has been calling and texting everyday since Sunday and I just leave them unread. The lawyer wants to see them when I see him next. I haven't told her I have retained him yet. He said he would send her a formal letter. I've gathered all the info he's asked for and have followed his instructions. Is there anything else I should be doing? I wanted to pack up the remaining things she left behind but he said to take pictures and not touch them.

Change all of the locks
Ask mod to move this thread to private

 

[Diana7]

I can't speak for all men. But I'm done. I'm out of that game for good.

Many say that but a few years later they often meet someone else.
I had every reason to say that, as did my now husband, but here we are, married for 19 years now.

 

[Diana7]

Obviously it's much cheaper if you can agree most of the arrangements between yourselves. However if you can't trust her to be reasonable then going through lawyers is probably best.

 

[oldshirt]

Obviously it's much cheaper if you can agree most of the arrangements between yourselves. However if you can't trust her to be reasonable then going through lawyers is probably best.

The devil is in the details on this one and you have to look at the general context and tone of the situation.

Yes, there are couples that have been together for 15, 20+ years that have mutually drifted apart over the years and after the kids are older or have grown and left the house and both people acknowledge that the marriage has run it's course and each simply want to move on with as little hassle, drama and expense as possible.

Those couples are often able to cooperatively negotiate and divide up the assets reasonably equitably without the need for much legal representation or court-ordered action.

But that is not what is taking place here. She suddenly turned cold and hostile and condescending and resentful towards him, nutured an affair, devised an exit strategy on the downlow and then blindsided him with the announcement of her immediate departure and lies in regards to her affair....... and they were only married a handful of years and without children.

There is nothing here to suggest that she will be cooperative or fair or even reasonable in the divorce.

Given her character and temperment, there is a high likelihood she will be very hostile, conniving and underhanded.

He needs to trust that she sucks and trust that she will try to stab him in the back.

If she believes she can quietly slip out the backdoor and move into her dellusional dream life with her new love interest, she may opt to APPEAR as low key and cooperative as possible if she thinks she can get what she wants as quickly and quietly as possible.

But she will always have the ABILITY to cause a lot of destruction and damage to him and leave him very beaten and battered at any moment.

There are some couples in some instances that can handle their own property and asset division and terms of their divorce without lawyer intervention. But this is probably not going to be one of those couples or occasions.

As I said earlier in the thread, it may cost him more upfront to handle everything through an attorney.

But given her character and temperment, it would probably be a pennywise and dollar foolish decision to not use a competent divorce attorney and channel everything through the attorney.

The extra attorney fees may end up being a drop in the bucket compared to the damage and chaos she could wreak without legal representation.

 

[oldshirt]

It is her trying to ease her guilt for her cheating.

No.

See my post #64.

Guilt is a feeling only decent people can experience.

Anything she is doing now is a calculated ploy to increase her leverage and better her odds of getting everything she wants and feels she is entitled to.

The proof will be in the pudding when she doesn't get something she really wants and believes she should be privy to. she will quickly turn viscious and vindictive and perhaps even destructive.

It's not guilt. It's manipulation and part of a plan.

 

[oldshirt]

Why is it then that men are generally far quicker to date and marry again after a divorce or bereavement? I see it all the time.

The official statistics are men are a little quicker to remarry after divorce or death of a spouse. But that is a little misleading.

Remairrage is something that can be measured as there is legal record of marriage.

But while men may technically remarry a little sooner, women monkeybranch and enter into other romantic or sexual relationships sooner and more often than men. ,,,, those relationships and endeavors just don't always end up in official remarriage.

Some people believe this has evolutionary roots. In days of yore, if a woman lost her mate for whatever reason, she needed someone to bring home meat asap or she and her offspring were at great risk and so she was quick to get over the loss of one mate and take up with the next.

Now realistically both the OP and his STBX are young and both statistically speaking will probably remarry at some point.

Statistically speaking, he may remarry before she does.

But she will probably go through a number of serial relationships and hook ups before he does.

 

[Diana7]

The devil is in the details on this one and you have to look at the general context and tone of the situation.

Yes, there are couples that have been together for 15, 20+ years that have mutually drifted apart over the years and after the kids are older or have grown and left the house and both people acknowledge that the marriage has run it's course and each simply want to move on with as little hassle, drama and expense as possible.

Those couples are often able to cooperatively negotiate and divide up the assets reasonably equitably without the need for much legal representation or court-ordered action.

But that is not what is taking place here. She suddenly turned cold and hostile and condescending and resentful towards him, nutured an affair, devised an exit strategy on the downlow and then blindsided him with the announcement of her immediate departure and lies in regards to her affair....... and they were only married a handful of years and without children.

There is nothing here to suggest that she will be cooperative or fair or even reasonable in the divorce.

Given her character and temperment, there is a high likelihood she will be very hostile, conniving and underhanded.

He needs to trust that she sucks and trust that she will try to stab him in the back.

If she believes she can quietly slip out the backdoor and move into her dellusional dream life with her new love interest, she may opt to APPEAR as low key and cooperative as possible if she thinks she can get what she wants as quickly and quietly as possible.

But she will always have the ABILITY to cause a lot of destruction and damage to him and leave him very beaten and battered at any moment.

There are some couples in some instances that can handle their own property and asset division and terms of their divorce without lawyer intervention. But this is probably not going to be one of those couples or occasions.

As I said earlier in the thread, it may cost him more upfront to handle everything through an attorney.

But given her character and temperment, it would probably be a pennywise and dollar foolish decision to not use a competent divorce attorney and channel everything through the attorney.

The extra attorney fees may end up being a drop in the bucket compared to the damage and chaos she could wreak without legal representation.

It depends on the people. My ex did really terrible things but to save money we still managed to sort a lot of stuff out ourselves. We had assets and children too.

 

[Diana7]

The official statistics are men are a little quicker to remarry after divorce or death of a spouse. But that is a little misleading.

Remairrage is something that can be measured as there is legal record of marriage.

But while men may technically remarry a little sooner, women monkeybranch and enter into other romantic or sexual relationships sooner and more often than men. ,,,, those relationships and endeavors just don't always end up in official remarriage.

Some people believe this has evolutionary roots. In days of yore, if a woman lost her mate for whatever reason, she needed someone to bring home meat asap or she and her offspring were at great risk and so she was quick to get over the loss of one mate and take up with the next.

Now realistically both the OP and his STBX are young and both statistically speaking will probably remarry at some point.

Statistically speaking, he may remarry before she does.

But she will probably go through a number of serial relationships and hook ups before he does.

I don't know any women who got into serious relationships/marriage for quite a few years. I know several men who dated again very quickly and a few who married again only a year later.

 

[oldshirt]

It depends on the people. My ex did really terrible things but to save money we still managed to sort a lot of stuff out ourselves. We had assets and children too.

You may have done it. You may have even gotten away with it, but was it a wise move?

For a man with his own business, his own house and assets prior to marriage, it's a huge risk to rely on a cheating, hostile, resentful woman's sense of fair play.

Yes, some times these fckwits want the divorce to come so quick and easy that they will concede a lot of assets so they can ride off into the sunset with their AP as soon as possible (delusion). And they don't want any more public attention tarnishing their public image any more than necessary, so in the beginning some of them are anxious just to get it done as quickly and quietly as possible.

......... but that doesn't stop them from coming back filing additional motions and petitions to the court 6 months or a year down the road after their AP has now dumped them and they realize they shot themselves in the foot.

Yes, there are people that "can" DIY their own divorce terms and asset divisions.

But when you are dealing with fckwits, it is rarely wise.

 

[oldshirt]

I don't know any women who got into serious relationships/marriage for quite a few years. I know several men who dated again very quickly and a few who married again only a year later.

Yeah, statistically men do remarry sooner than women.

But those statistics on marriage don't tell the whole story.

The women you knew were probably hooking up and having callers. ....... they just weren't telling you about it because they knew you wouldn't approve. Much of that takes place behind closed doors and out of the public eye.

And realistically, a lot of divorces take place when the kids are still school aged minors and mothers do still have much of the child care and greater involvement with the kids, where as men typically don't have as much hands-on involvement with the kids and are out on the open dating market in the public eye more.

But in this particular instance where both are young and have no kids, she will likely be out getting down with various dudes before he will. Obviously she already has head start on that, but I think if we were to have an office pool and make bets on what will happen shortly, this particular "relationship" will probably dissolve before too long and she will be out getting with a variety of others.

 

[Evinrude58]

You may have done it. You may have even gotten away with it, but was it a wise move?

For a man with his own business, his own house and assets prior to marriage, it's a huge risk to rely on a cheating, hostile, resentful woman's sense of fair play.

Yes, some times these fckwits want the divorce to come so quick and easy that they will concede a lot of assets so they can ride off into the sunset with their AP as soon as possible (delusion). And they don't want any more public attention tarnishing their public image any more than necessary, so in the beginning some of them are anxious just to get it done as quickly and quietly as possible.

......... but that doesn't stop them from coming back filing additional motions and petitions to the court 6 months or a year down the road after their AP has now dumped them and they realize they shot themselves in the foot.

Yes, there are people that "can" DIY their own divorce terms and asset divisions.

But when you are dealing with fckwits, it is rarely wise.

I agree, and OP should tell his lawyer HE wants to file first and get this done as quickly as possible. I disagree with his attorney and suggest a second opinion via a free consultation that most attorneys do in these cases.

 

[Diana7]

You may have done it. You may have even gotten away with it, but was it a wise move?

For a man with his own business, his own house and assets prior to marriage, it's a huge risk to rely on a cheating, hostile, resentful woman's sense of fair play.

Yes, some times these fckwits want the divorce to come so quick and easy that they will concede a lot of assets so they can ride off into the sunset with their AP as soon as possible (delusion). And they don't want any more public attention tarnishing their public image any more than necessary, so in the beginning some of them are anxious just to get it done as quickly and quietly as possible.

......... but that doesn't stop them from coming back filing additional motions and petitions to the court 6 months or a year down the road after their AP has now dumped them and they realize they shot themselves in the foot.

Yes, there are people that "can" DIY their own divorce terms and asset divisions.

But when you are dealing with fckwits, it is rarely wise.

If it doesn't work then do it through the lawyers.
I think it was wise as it saved a lot of money.

 

[oldshirt]

I agree, and OP should tell his lawyer HE wants to file first and get this done as quickly as possible. I disagree with his attorney and suggest a second opinion via a free consultation that most attorneys do in these cases.

Yeah I'm really not sure why his lawyer is saying to let her file first or what the advantage to that is.

Obviously I am not a lawyer but it seems to me when you are dealing with someone who could just pack a couple suitcases and move out to be with some dude without any warning, there's no telling what she will do. You'd think that in order to protect himself and protect his assets, it would be in his best interests to file as soon as possible to get everything secured before things can start being divided up in accordance to the local divorce laws.

Maybe someone more knowledgeable on such things can chime in on why he's being advised for her to file when she is the one that's showing she is not trustworthy.