[minimalME]

I believe that. But I believe this is very much a wiring issue. Some folks are mellow.

My perspective is different.

We have innate wiring from birth - selfishness. And trust me, I’m not mellow. 😅

I’m a Christian, which is a call to die to that selfishness. Am I going to obey? Or am I going to give in? It‘s a choice.

Have you ever been jealous?

No. I don’t particularly want what anyone else has. Most of what we perceive as ‘better’ isn’t real.

 

[Divinely Favored]

The "it was just sex" excuse will be plausible / acceptable to almost NO men. You could place that bet ahead of time.

Exactly. Since sex to me has emotional meaning, and a woman can get pregnant having sex, then to me, she is willing to be impregnated by and carry that man's child and that is a bridge too far for me.

 

[CrapMan]

My wife was well aware of my cheating on her prior to our marriage. But, she did not know about the last one after our engagement. I confessed to it about 2 years ago after being on these forums for a couple of years. She hugged me tightly, kissed me, and told me she loved me. She also said she was very happy I ended up with her and not someone else. My gal is some kind of special.

 

[Diana7]

My wife was well aware of my cheating on her prior to our marriage. But, she did not know about the last one after our engagement. I confessed to it about 2 years ago after being on these forums for a couple of years. She huugged me tightly, kissed me, and told me she loved me. She also said she was very happy I ended up with her and not someone else. My gal is some kind of special.

Must admit that to me trust is so very important. Plus sexual faithfulness too. For both to be shattered together would be just awful.

 

[DudeInProgress]

My wife was well aware of my cheating on her prior to our marriage. But, she did not know about the last one after our engagement. I confessed to it about 2 years ago after being on these forums for a couple of years. She hugged me tightly, kissed me, and told me she loved me. She also said she was very happy I ended up with her and not someone else. My gal is some kind of special.

That would not be my reaction, can’t even fathom it. But I’m not a woman, so…
Of course, I really don’t think that would be my wife’s reaction either.

 

[Rus47]

My wife was well aware of my cheating on her prior to our marriage. But, she did not know about the last one after our engagement. I confessed to it about 2 years ago after being on these forums for a couple of years. She hugged me tightly, kissed me, and told me she loved me. She also said she was very happy I ended up with her and not someone else. My gal is some kind of special.

So if roles had been reversed what would your response to her have been if she revealed an ONS after you engaged?

 

[CrapMan]

So if roles had been reversed what would your response to her have been if she revealed an ONS after you engaged?

Nope! I'd give her the boot and not look back.

But, she never would do it anyway.

It was not an ONS. I actually had a few months relationship with that AP.

 

[Rus47]

Nope! I'd give her the boot and not look back.

But, she never would do it anyway.

It was not an ONS. I actually had a few months relationship with that AP.

But see, right there is the gender difference. She admits ONS long ago after you became engaged, you kick her out. You tell her about at affair also long ago and she kisses you and thanks you for choosing her.

 

[BruceBanner]

We recently read of admission of infidelity 27, 46 years ago. Totally destroying their spouse. And ultimately their own lives.

Why??? Take it to the grave is the kind thing to do.

Not being a traitorous ***** is the kind thing to do. Once heard of an elderly couple where a woman admitted to her husband in the last years of his life that she cheated soon after they married and that the one child they had wasn't his. He confirmed it with a DNA test and spent the final years of his life in depression. His daughter wondered why he acted so strangely in the final years of his life until she finally figured out the truth from the journal he wrote.

This happened to my great uncle (if that is the correct term) in the 1970's. They have been married a long time, 30 - 40 years is my guess.

He found out she had an affair (a one night stand, no idea how he found out) in WW2 while he was fighting in Europe.

He divorced her immediately and moved on. She was heartbroken because she thought they had a strong, happy marriage. She died a lonely, bitter woman.

I guess somethings things are unforgivable.

Maybe he found out from a friend or perhaps she had some kind of written evidence she forgot about. I don't know why men go into the military when it's like a death sentence for your relationship with infidelity is so common in military couples. Pic related.

Spoiler: Redditor finds list of encounters

Nope! I'd give her the boot and not look back.

But, she never would do it anyway.

It was not an ONS. I actually had a few months relationship with that AP.

Never say never.

True story:
Did you know that in England during WW2 especially when the Americans and Canadians were deployed there and many of the British servicemen were fighting abroad, that many wives were having affairs with American and Canadian troops. Quite often when the British troops arrived back home they discovered their wives have had a child from an AP. But in most cases to hide their shame wives would have abortions if falling pregnant. The back street abortionists were doing a roaring trade. Once completed the fetuses were dumped in lakes or rivers. Just after the war the local council decided to dredge and clean up the lake at Victoria Park in the east end of London. Once dredged they discovered hundreds of fetuses and bodies of unborn babies in that lake, all the result of illegal abortions. Sometimes after a backstreet abortion a woman would become infected and die. My aunt told me this story, she remained faithful during the war, well, so she said.

What a world we live in. But I can't say I am surprised because women seem to be very allergic to taking responsibility for their actions.

We recently read of admission of infidelity 27, 46 years ago. Totally destroying their spouse. And ultimately their own lives.

Why??? Take it to the grave is the kind thing to do.

What admission are you referring to exactly?

 

[Rus47]

What admission are you referring to exactly?

Other threads in this forum. That prompted this thread.

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Great question !!!!

I don’t have the answer that’s for sure. As strange as it sounds I don’t want to know and I’m not even sure I would care at this point and after all this time if it was something while we were dating. If it happened while we were married it would be a very different story.

People are a different person than they were 20/30/40 years ago. I know I sure am. I wouldn’t want to have to be accountable today for the jackazz I was 30 years ago 😅

😳 Jeez I'm getting old....I was married already, at all those numbers...

Happily thank the good Lord. Still.

Sorry for temp tj....W and I have the oldest grandson for weekend.

W and I took him to a theme park yesterday, fun time. A perk for old M couples... 👍

 

[SunCMars]

My wife was well aware of my cheating on her prior to our marriage. But, she did not know about the last one after our engagement. I confessed to it about 2 years ago after being on these forums for a couple of years. She hugged me tightly, kissed me, and told me she loved me. She also said she was very happy I ended up with her and not someone else. My gal is some kind of special.

My being intensely suspicious, has me thinking she was not true blue herself, at the time.

Or, that, its just sex, fits in with her views on intimacy.
And, prior to marrying her, she was comfortable having casual sex.
No judgement: A good many ladies, think this way.

She may have already known/suspected (about) your last affair during your engagement.

 

[FireBob]

Wild thread.


A relative on my mom's side came home from WW2 to son (hint - not his). He, the soldier relative, disappeared. Never to be heard from again. Ghosted the wife and her baby.


Depends. I can attest from experience that when you find out she was being a more sexually expressive parter with the prior guys...odds are you will hate that if you are a guy.


I've long joked that if I ever cheated and my wife knew, I would simply never go home. i would cease to exist as far as she is concerned. Not exactly sure if that holds true now in our 60's. But i'm not taking the chance


I believe that. But I believe this is very much a wiring issue. Some folks are mellow. Some folks will deploy the death star and happily destroy a planet if justice demands. Personally, my wiring puts me on the death star. That said, necessary retribution does change based on circumstance and time. If I discovered a long ago affair by wife, I might not leave now in my 60s. But there would abso-****ing-lutely be consequences.


This baffles me. One of the most elementary, provable, replicable findings in (evolutionary) psychology is that men are overwhelmingly concerned with the sex part of infidelity. It's massive - in the 90% range - and global. All cultures. All men. So not a single one of us should be surprised, shocked, amazed or confused about why men react the way they do when infidelity is uncovered. It's also beyond established that women focus the vast majority of times on the emotional (attachment) side of infidelity (as I recall, it's in the upper 60% range for them). TAM and other long standing relationship sites have been a virtual lab for these findings. So the "it was just sex" line actually is much more likely to sound plausible to a certain % of women. The "it was just sex" excuse will be plausible / acceptable to almost NO men. You could place that bet ahead of time.

Two items: Men live in a sexual scarcity economy, women in an abundance. Men worry about getting sex, women regrettable sex.

Two: Men aren't touched enough, even as infants. Everything for us is about stoicism and emotional denial- except our sex drive and love for our families. So to many men, sex is the expression/basis/form/proof/validation of love. It's allowed investment. Women have more friends, more social connectiveness, more allowed emotional outlets socially- their sense of emotional, intimate connection is not forced into expression via sex. So the idea that once in a relationship where emotional trust and vulnerability has been extended that intimate connection exists completely independently of sexual connection is far more natural for women- both genders are really worried about the betrayal of emotional connection, but for many men they're the same thing, whereas for many women they're different things. So "it's just sex" is also dismissive of the importance of the emotional bond to many men, foreign to many women who proceed to say just the worst thing ever. Better to tell their husband that they thought they were in love but were a fool and realize they have real enduring love with their husband, than to tell their husband that their emotional connection (to him) is a meaningless act (to her).

 

[Trident]

Whenever I see this thread bumped the title gives me a vague sort of throbbing in my temples.

If there IS a god even though you chose not to save all those flood victims and Air India passengers despite all the prayers please reword the title to "Why do people confess past infidelities years later?"

 

[Rus47]

Done.