[SunCMars]

Wise!! Let it go. Don’t care!

If possible.

Likely, one needs to compartmentalize away one's woes.

We are not equipped to forget.
Such is our making.

 

[SunCMars]

Caring is a desired personality trait.

 

[IJustWantToKnow234]

... Selfishness. ....

This

 

[Rus47]

I also wonder whether age can unleash accidental reveals. My suspicion is this was factor for a TAM member’s wife revealing events long in her past, resulting in separation.

 

[IJustWantToKnow234]

What you fear most only awaits to happen.

Fear is that voice that you often hear.

We attribute this voice to our own conscience.

What fools we are. Our minds try to make sense of the unknown.

Phobias are given to you, sometimes for a lifetime..

Pain!!!
That crazy clingy gorgeus beautiful destroyer trusty friend.

You can be destroyed by it.

Or you can linger in "I have no idea" land.

Or you can become stronger. Scarred by it but stronger.

The Transylvanian.

 

[Rus47]

@mynymprostory somehow managed to compartmentalize living with a sex addict for a long married life. So maybe that is a strategy for dealing with long ago infidelity discovered recently. It seems he dealt with it by viewing it as a habit his wife couldn’t kick.

So thinking of long ago as being a different person than one presently married to? The woman asking young husband “is that all you have?” when seing his package is a different person from one wanting to renew vows 46 years later.

 

[Gabriel]

I would 100% bury it - it's a selfish thing to do, to tell someone 20+ years later. If you weren't "man" enough to come clean back then, now you have to live with yourself. The choice is made early. After awhile it's too late.

 

[Mr.Married]

I also wonder whether age can unleash accidental reveals. My suspicion is this was factor for a TAM member’s wife revealing events long in her past, resulting in separation.

At some point later in life I suspect a women’s practicalities of sex over ride the emotional.

That which is practical is not viewed as harmful as that which is emotional. The damage isn’t foreseen as being that damaging to her. I don’t think chicks wear that sex on their sleeve like men do. Chicks get real and the dudes get bent.

 

[Divinely Favored]

This happened to my great uncle (if that is the correct term) in the 1970's. They have been married a long time, 30 - 40 years is my guess.

He found out she had an affair (a one night stand, no idea how he found out) in WW2 while he was fighting in Europe.

He divorced her immediately and moved on. She was heartbroken because she thought they had a strong, happy marriage. She died a lonely, bitter woman.

I guess somethings things are unforgivable.

Good. He probably thought she was a good faithful wife too.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Well if I don’t know she had an affair, isn’t ignorance bliss? Its when she confesses that the question of divorce arises. I can say at my age would certainly NOT divorce. Our relationship would unavoidably change, but I would compartmentalize the time since it occurred and wall off the offense.

Be a big pile under the rug

If I was older, and not in a place to divorce, I'd be tempted to do what ever or who ever I wanted and she can accept it or there is the door. It would be open on my end.

 

[Divinely Favored]

Sins must be atoned.

Sins committed in this lifetime, or in a former.

Sins of your own, or that of your father, or mother.

There is no escape.

Dammit!

Had a family friend of parents, she cheated with their pastor no less, (she cleaned the church). It was brought before the congregation and they let the pastor remain there! He did not divorce for the 3 kids sale. She soon got bone cancer and it killed her quickly, he remarried to lovely faithful woman and is happy again. Sometimes karma is dealt in spades.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

We recently read of admission of infidelity 27, 46 years ago. Totally destroying their spouse. And ultimately their own lives.

Why??? Take it to the grave is the kind thing to do.

Because people are inherently selfish.

They either can’t live with the guilt or they wanna hurt their partner or maybe it’s a mixture of both.

 

[gameopoly5]

I think it depends.

I`ve read on forum websites and watched YouTube videos of wives that have made men wait til marriage until giving it up and even after marriage the sex is vanilla and then out the blue the husband receives a video of his wife during her college days or before they met having threesomes and even gangbangs with guys and doing stuff she`s never done or won`t do with her husband.

I`ve no doubts most of it is fiction but I`m sure this happens. If this happened to me I`d be devastated. On the other hand if my wife was in a couple of relationships before we met this wouldn`t bother me at all unless she didn`t tell me and I found out later.

A good business venture would be visiting a professional and couples given compatibility tests prior to marriage and even lie detector tests, could save a lot of heartache later on. Rather be hit by a bomb prior to marriage than after marriage.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I think it depends.

I`ve read on forum websites and watched YouTube videos of wives that have made men wait til marriage until giving it up and even after marriage the sex is vanilla and then out the blue the husband receives a video of his wife during her college days or before they met having threesomes and even gangbangs with guys and doing stuff she`s never done or won`t do with her husband.

I`ve no doubts most of it is fiction but I`m sure this happens. If this happened to me I`d be devastated. On the other hand if my wife was in a couple of relationships before we met this wouldn`t bother me at all unless she didn`t tell me and I found out later.

A good business venture would be visiting a professional and couples given compatibility tests prior to marriage and even lie detector tests, could save a lot of heartache later on. Rather be hit by a bomb prior to marriage than after marriage.

This is a bit off topic since there is a big difference in revealing an affair decades later that occurred during the marriage vs revealing undisclosed relationships prior to the marriage. IMO they aren't even close. Finding out she was wild and crazy before you, but plain and boring with you falls somewhere between the two, but still nowhere near the same as infidelity.

Why would it bother you to find out she had a prior relationship that she didn't reveal to you if it is totally in the past? Suppose your wife has a LTR before you and you found out now decades later, what would you do? Divorce her?

 

[SunCMars]

I think it depends.

I`ve read on forum websites and watched YouTube videos of wives that have made men wait til marriage until giving it up and even after marriage the sex is vanilla and then out the blue the husband receives a video of his wife during her college days or before they met having threesomes and even gangbangs with guys and doing stuff she`s never done or won`t do with her husband.

I`ve no doubts most of it is fiction but I`m sure this happens. If this happened to me I`d be devastated. On the other hand if my wife was in a couple of relationships before we met this wouldn`t bother me at all unless she didn`t tell me and I found out later.

A good business venture would be visiting a professional and couples given compatibility tests prior to marriage and even lie detector tests, could save a lot of heartache later on. Rather be hit by a bomb prior to marriage than after marriage.

We only own our own past.

Try as we might, we cannot change our past or rewrite someone else's.

I understand honesty, I do.

It is said that the truth will set you free.

Sometimes, out on your butt, in the street.

What does a lady with a past do...?

Lie, or minimize, deflect, or say nothing?

None are good choices.

I see both sides of this dilemma.

One side is sordid, the other a sore subject.

A man might deserve to know about her romps.

Alas, no good will come from this.

The Lass is left with her pants down.

 

[Mr.Married]

Because people are inherently selfish.

They either can’t live with the guilt or they wanna hurt their partner or maybe it’s a mixture of both.

Do you think after all that time they really feel guilty? I personally wouldn’t think so. Maybe the first year after and then much less each year after I would think.

 

[Divine&FemPatriciaBlue]

Do you think after all that time they really feel guilty? I personally wouldn’t think so. Maybe the first year after and then much less each year after I would think.

It’s all relative to the person I don’t really know. Some people cannot live with their guilt. Are they due for a certain amount of time and they just let it go because I can’t stand it anymore. The only other option is, they won’t hurt the other person. Idk

 

[gameopoly5]

This is a bit off topic since there is a big difference in revealing an affair decades later that occurred during the marriage vs revealing undisclosed relationships prior to the marriage. IMO they aren't even close. Finding out she was wild and crazy before you, but plain and boring with you falls somewhere between the two, but still nowhere near the same as infidelity.

Why would it bother you to find out she had a prior relationship that she didn't reveal to you if it is totally in the past? Suppose your wife has a LTR before you and you found out now decades later, what would you do? Divorce her?

I agree with most of what you say and I`m probably a bit off the subject.
I can only give how I`d feel if ever in those situations.

If discovering my wife led a highly promiscuous lifestyle before we met had done stuff she`d never do with me than yes I would feel devastated or maybe devastated is too extreme, perhaps I should say extremely upset. As regards would I feel more worse if my wife cheated or discovered my wife was into kinky stuff before we met, that`s difficult for me to answer because it hasn`t happened to me yet but as with cheating each time we made love I would be thinking of her with those other guys and wondering in my wife`s mind sexually do I match up to the other guys she`s had. Some may describe this as insecurity on my part, IDK.

Regarding if my wife had past relationships and did not tell me, of course I would not divorce her but it would make me feel less connected to her because I`ve told my wife everything about my past life before we met.

This is all I can say that mostly people wouldn`t know how to handle stuff until it actually happens. But if you cannot see my point of view, no problem, different strokes for different folks, I`m not claiming I can give good answers.

 

[IJustWantToKnow234]

It’s all relative to the person I don’t really know. Some people cannot live with their guilt. Are they due for a certain amount of time and they just let it go because I can’t stand it anymore. The only other option is, they won’t hurt the other person. Idk

I'm in the camp, they want to get rid of the guilt, but it doesn't even register for them the pain and damage to the rest of the family.
If they really wan to hurt the partner, they just have more of the...fun...?

 

[ShatteredKat]

Poser:

Is the "Guilt" due to withholding info from spouse?
Or -
Guilt for having done the deed(s)?
Or -
Pawning oneself off as pristine when they are not?

Or?