I've had conversations with you about my husbands porn addiction. So, in all fairness, I will tell you my story.
Some say porn is a term for something a partner is not willing to do. Some say it is cheating on your spouse to just watch it. I don't agree with either of those, not that I'm saying they are wrong with the way they feel about it. I just feel differently.
When I was 18 I dated 24 year old guy. I had never seen a porn movie. But I did have threesomes with him and group sex. I loved it, I couldn't enough of it. I was sort of drunk on the power I had with men. Or thought I had but really didn't, they used me for the obvious. He decided no more, he wanted me to stop, he wanted a relationship. I didn't love him so I didn't. Or maybe back then, I didn't know what real love was, respect, kindness and so on. When feelings get involved, people get hurt. Otherwise, you don't care what they do.
He told everyone how I hurt him, what we done. Some how, it only reflected badly on me. My sister lived in the same small town, she caught hell because of me. All my friends, but one, when they found out what I did, ditched me. When would I do it with their boyfriends or husbands. In their eyes I wore the scarlet letter. A lady I worked with, her husband was friends with his father. I was tortured by men I worked with, people they knew, I was the easy girl to get. The women didn't have respect for me. I didn't have any respect for myself.
It took years, to get myself straight. Am I the same 18 year old reckless girl today, oh no. I learned from my mistake. If I hadn't stopped I probably would have ended up in the gutter somewhere dead or with HIV. You cannot live that kind of life and see a different out come from it. But it is still my cross to bare when I see anyone who knew. It has shaped the person I am today. You cannot live a life like that with someone you care about without someone getting hurt.
But I don't feel porn is the definition of something they watch you are not willing to do or have not done already. I've always been comfortable with my sexuality, what I like, what I want and I helped him become more comfortable with himself. He and I were around thirty when we met, both been married before. So, we had sex partners and never really discussed our sexual past. He was more on the reserved side of sex than me.
It is not something I am proud of in my life. At this moment as I type this out, I still feel shame. So, when I hear people, they are bored, they want a threesome or whatever. But their spouse won't. Maybe they should be glad someone is there to help keep them straight. The consequences we suffer sometimes are greater than reward. Its just a damn fantasy, all fun and games, until your actions hurts another.
Fast forward to my life now. Do I think my husband cheated because he watched porn. No. With any addiction, it takes over your life, your priorities, your thoughts and you actions. They are not the same person they once were. You will do anything to get that high no matter who you hurt and the damage you cause. He almost lost his job because of it, everyone that knows has pretty much alienated him due to it. He wears shame daily and he has to deal with it. I can go on for hours.
Imagine his surprise when I told him my darkest secret, my darkest time. Perhaps it's why I could see the sickness he had, I helped another human being to get the help he needed. Not the man I adored anymore. Don't miss understand, I didn't make it easy on him either. I took my * walk. I took my shame. However, I did whatever it took to become a better human being because of it. I expect no less from him. Is he held accountable for his actions, you bet. In every single way.
Some say I am weak, desperate, gullible because I stayed to help him. Others, have tried to paint me as a saint and special. I don't allow that either. I am just trying to survive.