[Sara8]

In the meantime, 60 days from now, I will be on the market ladies. 40 year old, loving dad, told I'm good looking, in good shape, funny, caring, and also....would never hurt you by cheating....

I am so sorry you have to be here on this board licking your wounds from your wife's selfishness.

I too was totally blindside. Just days before Dday I was telling a friend how lucky I felt to have my STBEH.

I belong to an in person support group that I can only get to once every couple of months due to distance and time issues.

Still, It seems so many of the spouses saw themselves as lucky to have their spouse, until they found out about the affair behind their back, sometimes going on for years.

Also, in that support group are people who divorced the cheater and then found someone so much better. Someone who shares their monogamous viewpoint and also wants to honor their vows.

One problem I see in society today and why cheating has been rising in the past ten years, is that their is no consequence for the cheater.

In the divorce is the state is no fault their is none.

There is one case, however, where an woman sued a boyfriend for giving her herpes and although the judge wanted to throw it out, it went to jury and the jury awarded her $900,000.

I think if more spouses sued, if they caught an STD from a cheating spouse, fewer spouses would cheat.

In some states, a handful, a betrayed spouse can sue the other man or woman for alienation of affection.

If more states would allow this, IMO, cheating stats would drop again, instead of rising.

 

[Sara8]

Her main thing was all about sex...she wanted it every day, several times a day if possible. I asked her if she would have left me if I had prostate cancer or what about when we're older and things don't even work? She said that that would be different because it wouldn't be my fault but I wonder...

I doubt think if you became ill and could never again perform sexually that she would have remained faithful. She would have used that as a reason to cheat.

I always knew i would not cheat if my spouse had prostate cancer and could no longer function. My marriage vows said in sickness and in health.

I also have numerous lady friends married to men in their 50s and some in their 40s who have erectile dysfunction. Viagra does not work for everyone and can be harmful to men with certain heart conditions

These lady friends remain faithful. On the other hand, my STBEH had too many males friends who were cheaters.

I guess the saying "show me who your friends are and I will tell you who you are" is true.

I would drop a friend or at least avoid them, if i knew they were cheating or single and banging a married guy.

 

[yottazenzen]

I would drop a friend or at least avoid them, if i knew they were cheating or single and banging a married guy.

Yet her friends stick by her and are not disgusted by her actions. I cannot understand this. She tells them she didn't love me and that I didn't give her what she needed so I guess they all think that makes it all ok. I don't know. People are f'd up.

 

[Sara8]

In an earlier post you stated "how can her friends who knew about it while it was going on, look me in the eye? These people blow my friggin mind." In another post you also said "Some of her friends and family are aware. That is part of what hurts too. Some of them knew about it while it was going on and then could look me in the eye when I saw them. People scare the crap out of me." That is what the first guy's wife will be thinking about you when she finds you that you knew and did not tell her; you will be just like all the scumbags that did not tell you. Through your children you will always be family to her, and when she finds out, I can only imagine how betryed she will feel. For the rest of her life she will rightfully view you with great contempt. Not telling her shows that you have no respect for her as a person. Stop looking out just for number one, you are better than that. She needs to know just like you needed to know.

Yes, Yot, I agree with this post, please enlighten the OM's faithful spouses.

They have a right to know, and they are being exposed to a deadly STD daily. All so that their spouse can have an extra marital thrill. Geesh.

 

[Sara8]

She has agreed to lower the child support payments by about 37% / per month from what she is legally entitled to in my state.

Also, it wouldn't matter about her future inheritance to a judge because right now she has zero income and no judge would allow me to not pay anything in child support to a woman with zero income. Even when she gets a job her income will be substantially lower than mine and in Texas, they try to balance the child support from the high earner to the low earner even if there is 50/50 custody.

Once she gets the inheritance, you can have the child support re-evaluated and lowered.

 

[Sara8]

Yet her friends stick by her and are not disgusted by her actions. I cannot understand this. She tells them she didn't love me and that I didn't give her what she needed so I guess they all think that makes it all ok. I don't know. People are f'd up.

Yot, it's right out of the cheaters handbook to rewrite the marital history to friends.

They do this to cope with the guilt they are feeling and to NOT see themselves as the disgusting liar they have become.

It's not your fault that she lied. She did it to protect her own image in her own mind. It shows she knows she was lying so has to justify it in her own mind.

 

[happyman64]

Yott,

You sound like a great guy and a great Dad. More importantly you sound like you were a really great husband that loved being married.

Your wife is pretty screwed up in her head.

Let me see:

1. Screwed her cousin for many months that is married too!
2. Screwed your neighbor who is married too!
3. Her family knew and never told you!
4. Her friends knew and never told you!

All these people knew and instead of being concerned for her well being they covered for her.

You know she had unprotected sex right!!!!

And you think she really knows how bad she has hurt you????

Yott, you do not owe her or her family a thing. This woman has blown up your life, her life, your marriage and her childrens world all for her own selfishness.....

And her answer is because she wanted sex everyday, multiple times a day. And she never communicated this with you before her A??????

Can you show me any fairness in this?????

Stop covering for her.
Call the cousins wife today and let her know what went down!
Call the neigbors wife today and let her know what went down!

I honestly think if my wife did this between the incest and cheating I would do everything in my power to have 100% custody of the kids. That is your decision.

And oh yes, your kids will really start having issues when you move and "Mommy" is not there anymore.

What an ass your STBXW is. If I could buy her a 1st calls ticket on the Karma bus I would do it for her.

Can you even tell me why you would want to be friends with her? She washed 20 years down the drain with 1 year of diahrea....

My heart goes out to you and your kids.

HM64

 

[yottazenzen]

Yott,

You sound like a great guy and a great Dad. More importantly you sound like you were a really great husband that loved being married.

Your wife is pretty screwed up in her head.

Let me see:

1. Screwed her cousin for many months that is married too!
2. Screwed your neighbor who is married too!
3. Her family knew and never told you!
4. Her friends knew and never told you!

All these people knew and instead of being concerned for her well being they covered for her.

You know she had unprotected sex right!!!!

And you think she really knows how bad she has hurt you????

Yott, you do not owe her or her family a thing. This woman has blown up your life, her life, your marriage and her childrens world all for her own selfishness.....

And her answer is because she wanted sex everyday, multiple times a day. And she never communicated this with you before her A??????

Can you show me any fairness in this?????

Stop covering for her.
Call the cousins wife today and let her know what went down!
Call the neigbors wife today and let her know what went down!

I honestly think if my wife did this between the incest and cheating I would do everything in my power to have 100% custody of the kids. That is your decision.

And oh yes, your kids will really start having issues when you move and "Mommy" is not there anymore.

What an ass your STBXW is. If I could buy her a 1st calls ticket on the Karma bus I would do it for her.

Can you even tell me why you would want to be friends with her? She washed 20 years down the drain with 1 year of diahrea....

My heart goes out to you and your kids.

HM64

Yes, I know. I just want what's best for my kids and I feel what is best for them is to have a mom. She is very sorry for what she has done, though she still communicates with the cousin all the time. I just don't care anymore. I don't look at her in a loving way. She is just the mother of my children now. I think she has woken up a bit after all this and I think she will be a better mom.

I think it does suck how 20 years of my life is down the drain basically and I wish she would've left before we had kids so I could've had kids with somebody who loved me and the kids wouldn't have to go through what my kids are going to have to go through.

She is the most selfish person I know. She only thinks of herself. I hope all of this makes her realize that she has two little boys who she should be putting first. She has said as much to me a couple of days ago and even though she is a proven liar and cheat, I think she may be telling the truth.

As for telling the spouses of the other men, no good would come of it.

If I told the wife of the cousin, that's what my wife would want. Then she could marry the man after he got divorced. Also, if the members of her family that control the inheritance found out, they could write her out of the will because of it.

As for the neighbor's wife, I don't owe that piece of crap anything. All that would come of me telling her is she would probably beat the hell out of my wife. I don't want my kids to see that.

Sometimes, life sucks.

 

[Shaggy]

So what then? Do you become an accomplice in hiding the affairs? What about the next set of men? How far will you go to hide and cover it up?

 

[yottazenzen]

So what then? Do you become an accomplice in hiding the affairs? What about the next set of men? How far will you go to hide and cover it up?

I just want out of her craziness. I don't want any kind of craziness to befall my kids. "F" her and these two a-holes. They mean nothing to me. I'm moving on. There's a bit more to the story but I will know more in a few days.

 

[aug]

She is the most selfish person I know. She only thinks of herself. I hope all of this makes her realize that she has two little boys who she should be putting first. She has said as much to me a couple of days ago and even though she is a proven liar and cheat, I think she may be telling the truth.

As for telling the spouses of the other men, no good would come of it.

If I told the wife of the cousin, that's what my wife would want. Then she could marry the man after he got divorced. Also, if the members of her family that control the inheritance found out, they could write her out of the will because of it.

As for the neighbor's wife, I don't owe that piece of crap anything. All that would come of me telling her is she would probably beat the hell out of my wife. I don't want my kids to see that.

Sometimes, life sucks.

And do you wonder why others did not tell you? They too can make up reasons not to tell you.

I think you should expose to all.

 

[yottazenzen]

And do you wonder why others did not tell you? They too can make up reasons not to tell you.

I think you should expose to all.

I think her friends that knew about all this didn't tell me because they are more her friends than mine and she probably spun it to be she didn't love me anymore so it was "ok" to be with these other married men. Twisted I know. Obviously, I'm not very happy with these "friends" of hers.

There is one outstanding issue that needs to be cleared up regarding all this (which I'll post about in a few days), after which, I just look forward to moving on with my life and spending time with my boys.

The other bad thing is all my neighbors are giving me the cold shoulder. I do not know what they know but it sucks if they think I did anything bad.

 

[happyman64]

I think her friends that knew about all this didn't tell me because they are more her friends than mine and she probably spun it to be she didn't love me anymore so it was "ok" to be with these other married men. Twisted I know. Obviously, I'm not very happy with these "friends" of hers.

There is one outstanding issue that needs to be cleared up regarding all this (which I'll post about in a few days), after which, I just look forward to moving on with my life and spending time with my boys.

The other bad thing is all my neighbors are giving me the cold shoulder. I do not know what they know but it sucks if they think I did anything bad.

Hang Tough Yott. I understand your position could be better right now.

If your wife is playing the neighbors against you that is not good as well.

Give us an update when you can. And if you need me to start a collection on TAM for you let me know.

I would gladly contribute to a "my wife is a *****" billboard for you. I'm sure the neighbors will get the picture.

HM64

 

[yottazenzen]

"Living well is the best revenge." -George Herbert

 

[OldWolf57]

YET, you noticed the neighbors giving you the cold shoulder. she has started hr smear campaign yot.

 

[yottazenzen]

YET, you noticed the neighbors giving you the cold shoulder. she has started hr smear campaign yot.

She hasn't spoken to them. I know this for a fact. I think neighbors just speculate on their own. All they see is we haven't been outside for several weeks (we normally hang out outside in the evenings with the neighbors every night). They also see our house for sale.

Some of the neighbors have seen the one neighbor my soon to be ex had the affair with coming over to my house when I was gone on business but he told them he just came over for dinner. I think the speculation would be on my wife, not me. I just don't understand why they'd be giving me the cold shoulder.

The only thing I can think of is something got mixed up in all the gossip. Remember that telephone game you played as a kid? One person tells a secret to somebody else and so on until the last kid. By the time the story gets to the last kid, it has changed somewhat. :/

 

[iheartlife]

Or how about the neighbor OM spinning lies about you and your marriage?

Of course, it could even be that they know the truth, and it's too uncomfortable and they hate drama. Or they could be self-preoccupied and you are being somewhat paranoid because you think they all know.
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[yottazenzen]

Or how about the neighbor OM spinning lies about you and your marriage?

Of course, it could even be that they know the truth, and it's too uncomfortable and they hate drama. Or they could be self-preoccupied and you are being somewhat paranoid because you think they all know.
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It *could* be the neighbor OM spinning some stuff about me but I don't think so because he knows if I found out he was doing something like that, I have huge ammo on him.

I don't think they know the truth because if they did, they would feel bad for me, not give me the cold shoulder.

I don't think I'm being paranoid. I've lived next to these people for three years and they *always* wave back. Plus, this guy gave me a sort of disgusted look.

My gut is telling me they know *something* but not the truth. I don't want to tell them the truth because of the explosions that would cause.

Oh, the things my STBXW has cost me.

 

[squeeky]

I am soooooo sorry for your pain. I too am feeling just as you do. Its so difficult to get through each day. My only saving grace is my daughter. She is the one I do everything for. I am finding out I need to be in control of my own life and not let others run my emotions. Harder said than done. everyone says time will heal. Time will only tell
Good Luck and I will be thinking of you and your family as well.
This forum is so wonderful to beable to share and know you are not the only family going through a terrible time. My marriage was also 20 years and I have a 9 yr old daughter and husband wants to leave after finding old x on FB.
I can't understand how anyone would want to hurt thier children by leaving them, it happens?

 

[yottazenzen]

Update on my status:

Strength increasing. Instincts sharpening. Pain deadening. Laughing more. Crying infrequently. Thinking often. Optimism increasing. Breathing slower. Seeing clearer.
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