I believe you are already following the right path, seeking legal advise as soon as you can. That's the best way to know all your options at this point, as we don't know your country/state/laws/etc.

All I can say at this point is that you are doing good. Infidelity should not and can not be tolerated.

 

I’m so sorry for you

Right now, I suggest that you do the most difficult thing in the world.... act like nothing is wrong

Is the guy married?

After you talk to the lawyer, have her served at work, and approximately the same time, contact his wife/girlfriend.

Then, in order that she does not rewrite history, blast the news on facebook, etc.


The good news is that you will survive. The bad news is that things are going to get worse before they get better.

Hang in there and rely on friends and family

 

First talk to an attorney to know your rights. Then don't confront her just ghost her and let your lawyer take her for all she is worth. Push hard for alimony or at least have her pay you back for your businesses but again let her lawyer do that. What I am saying is get all your stuff ready and then one day just move out and ghost, you can leave a short letter like, I know you are having an affair with so and so, I expect to be compensated justly for all the expense I put into your schooling, then leave your proof. Leave a half empty apartment and your ring on the table with a copy of divorce papers and the number of your attorney. Block all ways of contact. Tell your family and hers what happened and move on with your life. Never talk to her again ever. You will heal faster and she will never get closure which is a pain she deserves. This really the only way to get some sort of justice as far as I see it.

Here is a list I put together of the ones who did it right.

Pay attention to the last link on the first post. That's the way to do it.

The ones who are not nice do the best, it gives them immediate control over their life back. Seems you have no kids so there really isn't any reason to be. Unfortunately you picked bad this time. That's life, it happens to most people but see her for what she is which is not worth another minute of your time.

 

first talk to an attorney to know your rights. Then don't confront her just ghost her and let your lawyer take her for all she is worth. Push hard for alimony or at least have her pay you back for your businesses but again let her lawyer do that. What i am saying is get all your stuff ready and then one day just move out and ghost, you can leave a short letter like, i know you are having an affair with so and so, i expect to be compensated justly for all the expense i put into your schooling, then leave your proof. Leave a half empty apartment and your ring on the table with a copy of divorce papers and the number of your attorney. Block all ways of contact. Tell your family and hers what happened and move on with your life. Never talk to her again ever. You will heal faster and she will never get closure which is a pain she deserves. This really the only way to get some sort of justice as far as i see it.

here is a list i put together of the ones who did it right.

pay attention to the last link on the first post. That's the way to do it.

The ones who are not nice do the best, it gives them immediate control over their life back. Seems you have no kids so there really isn't any reason to be. Unfortunately you picked bad this time. That's life, it happens to most people but see her for what she is which is not worth another minute of your time.

this !!!!

 

Do not confront. Do not give her any advance or knowledge about what is to come. Most (everyone who had not been there) think a divorce case is some sort of special judgement. It's really not. It's is nothing more than a Civil Suit between 2 individuals. It's really just a Contract Law Suit. DO NOT TIP YOUR HAND. Hopefully you live in a NO FAULT/FAULT state.

1) GET A GOOD FAMILY LAWYER NOW!
2) DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING. ACT AS EVERYTHING IS GOOD.
3) DO NOT TALK ABOUT RECONCILIATION.
4) DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER AGAIN. IT CAN BURY YOU.
5) KEEP A JOURNAL OF EVERYTHING SHE SAYS TO YOU.
6) NOW! SEPARATE YOUR FIANCES.

 

Locate the other mans wife and inform her when you get everything lined out. No warning to your wife!!!

 

If anyone has any advice, I am all ears, especially on
- financial stuff. As far as I know, her income is our income and she can't legally cut me off in some way. We have a joint bank account.
- living arrangements. Gonna be rough living with a bad person. Since she is having the affair, I should ask her to leave. Can I?
I realize the lawyer will answer a lot of these. However, I am also trying to prepare for that consultation, so please do share anything you've got.

1. Do not let on till you are ready to act decisively.

2. Do as your lawyer advises if you have confidence in them.

3. Buy a couple of VARs (voice activated recorders). Keep one on yourself after she is served so you have a voice record of all transactions with her.

4. If you haven't already, a PI (Private Investigator) is often worth the money for additional evidence. Find out if the OM (other man) is married so to expose on D-Day (day of confrontation) spouse if you find he is married.

5. Have yourself checked for STDs and do not have sex with her again. Have excuses set up. If you have sex after confronting her, it can indicate forgiveness by a judge.

6. You probably will not be able to kick her out. It is her home also.

7. Be ready to expose to your and her families & friends as a bargaining chip in negotiations. She will probably want to keep this quiet in her profession and therefore will want to settle quietly. This is to your advantage..

8. Choose whether you want her to be publicly served or not. This is also a bargaining chip.

9. Try to get a hold of "donesies". He is a poster on here that is a surgeon. His is the opposite situation. His WW (Wayward Wife) foolishly wanted a divorce and got practically nothing. Talking to him would give you some ideas on finances you should be going after. Read his post and then private message him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/411722-found-out-v-day.html

10. Women respect strength, courage, & decisiveness. Show these when dealing with your WW.

 

Hi,

39yo man, married 3.5 years. Had suspected my wife of cheating based on unusual behaviors, change in patterns etc. Evidence was scant, but gradually appeared...and like most guys I might have been in denial. After all, months ago we took a ski vacation in the Alps and all was well.

Proof has arrived. Not evidence, proof. I know who the guy is. He lives out of town. I know where he works but I do not know too much else about him or anything. She doesn't know that I know. However I will soon confront her. Have to. I cannot tolerate this.

Ours is the classic situation where I supported her through her medical training, and she has now begun a job where her income is upwards of $40k a month before taxes. In order to support us, I sold a business. We moved, and in doing so, limited my professional opportunities. I do well in big cities, we moved to smallish ones. I currently work at a business I started online; it makes about $1,500 a month. She earns an enormous income.

I am meeting with a lawyer later this week to learn the rules. We live in an apartment and don't have kids, just two dogs. If anyone has any advice, I am all ears, especially on

- financial stuff. As far as I know, her income is our income and she can't legally cut me off in some way. We have a joint bank account.

- living arrangements. Gonna be rough living with a bad person. Since she is having the affair, I should ask her to leave. Can I?

I realize the lawyer will answer a lot of these. However, I am also trying to prepare for that consultation, so please do share anything you've got.

First, you need to talk to your lawyer. IMMEDIATELY.
Your lawyer will give you the REAL info, especially based on your circumstances and your local/state laws.

Also, it's kind of sneaky, but you also might want to find out who the best attorneys in the area are and get a noncommittal "consultation" from each of them. Then, because of conflict of interest, they won't be able to represent your wife in the divorce proceedings.

That being said, I see a few issues with your situation. I deal with doctors and nurses every day, so I am familiar with some of the issues with medical professionals' lives.

First of all, you say you have been married only 3.5 years. That's not a long-term marriage in most jurisdictions, and you are relatively young, so I think the chance of you getting a long-term (many years) alimony is essentially zero. IF you can somehow establish that you destroyed your business in order to move to the small town where SHE can make a lot of money, then you may get some sort of rehabilitative arrangement to put you right after the sacrifice you made for HER career. However, you have to be able to clearly prove what you lost, and that it was ONLY for her professional benefit to move there.

Next, you say you supported her for her medical training, and she now earns over $40,000 per month. Now, the typical primary care doc will make about $200,000-ish (low $200k) annually in most areas, so I would speculate that she is not a primary care physician. May I ask what type of specialty/career she has? (I assume she is a physician when you say "medical training"). The reason I say this is because most specialties that earn that kind of income---plastic surgeon, orthopedic surgeon, etc.---have long training times in Residency/Fellowship, typically 5-7 years or more. That means your 3.5 year marriage began AFTER medical school, and therefore you did not pay her way to get the MD degree. In some jurisdictions, like New York, an advance degree acquired during the marriage and paid for with marital funds could be considered a marital asset, and you would therefore possibly be entitled to some of that future earning power. However, since post-MD training does NOT involve any tuition payments, and actually the trainee is PAID a stipend during the training (very low, considering the hours worked/degree of responsibility & training required, but still gets paid), the ability to claim a marital asset would therefore not be present. After all, Resident trainees are able to live on their own just on their stipend if they are single, so the argument that you had to sell your business to support yourselves will not be strong. Instead, it could just be argued that you were living beyond your means during those years and selling your business was just to support an excessive lifestyle, NOT to educate her in her profession. Your lawyer would be able to help you work out these details.

The exception to the paragraph above would be if her training period was short (the shortest Residencies in the US 3 years, which would be something like Family Practice); even at that, your 3.5 year marriage would mean that you would only be married for the last 6 months of medical school. That would be a hard sell to argue that you paid for her education, unless there was some sort of arrangement BEFORE marriage. However, as I said above, virtually no medical specialty leads to a position paying $40,000 per month with only 3 years of residency. What specialty is she in? The answer might impact your situation. You attorney will help you work this out.

Your best shot here is to somehow establish that you lost your business for her benefit, and get some compensation for that. With the details you provided so far, though, that might be an uphill battle. Again, you really need that attorney NOW.

 

Good stuff in here. Attorney happens tomorrow; it was the first day they had.

Not really looking for / expecting long term support. I am 39 and CAN work again; actually have some decent connections and all that, and I am sure a Court will look and go "this guy can work", which would be accurate. I am not interested in being taken care of for the rest of my life, but I would like to get restored to where I was before we switched directions for her career. Basically zero chance of having sex with her again. I will look into the voice recorders and private detective maybe - talking to lawyer tomorrow so we'll see what they suggest.

You are correct in that I supported us during fellowship and residency. We lived in "City A" during residency where I was doing well with my business. We moved to City B for fellowship, so I sold the business and, while in City B, paid all the rent and many of the bills, while doing all the day to day stuff you do when your partner works. Then we moved to "City C" for her job; she's a type of surgeon, not getting more specific than that. Smaller cities often have greater demand for higher skill sets and so they pay more. That's the case here. I get your point about the degree being marital asset. I also know that mathematically, her stipend would not support payment of even a modest rent, along with her student loans and other bills.

Cities B and C are smaller cities and not a place where you see the kind of jobs I have experience with. As such I started another business. It's coming along but it takes time. Post divorce I would move back to "City A." I'll see what all that really means tomorrow; like I said, not looking for a trillion dollars here, just want a bridge back to my pre-marriage life.

I appreciate all the insights and look forward to others.

 

Keep your plans secret and your powder dry.

 

Here's the thing......

Small comfort.
Small comfort is better then no comfort.

You got the best years out of her.

The years that she was truthful.
The years that she was loyal.
The years that she had intrinsic worth.

Until proved otherwise.
Otherwise has now arrived.

You got in under the wire.
You got in her before she turned bad.

You touched, made love to a......clean women.
Clean as a whistle.

You tooted that horn.
That horn is gone.

Only an ogre has the lung power to re-inflate her bell pepper.

Her affair partner did not get the real deal....her.
He got the one with all the hard miles on it....

Her engine may run.
It does not purr.

Her transmission?
Missing it's top gear.
Runs best in reverse.

Her exhaust now smokes.
She put cheap oil in her filler pipe. Fill her crevice.
Now it smokes, smell foul.

Ach, you lovingly polished her body.
Washed, waxed, kept it shiny.

She went out and dented her frame.
The light no longer reflects straight off her body.
It blinds on comers. Makes you squint.

You got the real her.
You got the best years.

He, the POSOM, he got a clunker.

A wrecked Ferrari.

Still valuable, but not to you.

You got her best years....the years she smelled..right.
I did not put youthful, that would be....so wrong.
Old Roses are still roses.

Some smell, mighty fine.

 

My daughter is a surgical resident. She has very little free time. She makes so little that she probably makes less than minimum wage when you count all the hours she puts in. You outlined your story very clearly and believe me I understand it and your desire to be made whole. You may not be able to depending on the law in your state.

Does your wife want kids? If so that’s’ why she will want to keep you around. A surgeon is always in the hospital and needs someone to do the day to day stuff. When you add kids to the mix they need someone else even more.

My daughter is a babe but I’m afraid she won’t ever be able to find a decent guy that will put up with her seldom being at home. No grandkids for me.

My point is that your wife may not love you but you’re very valuable to her especially if she wants kids

 

My daughter is a babe but I’m afraid she won’t ever be able to find a decent guy that will put up with her seldom being at home. No grandkids for me.

Hey, Graywolf, just wanted to say this doesn't have to be so. My dentist is a husband/wife duo who have a thriving private practice. It is only open Monday through Thursday, and each of them only worked 3 days of that when the kids were little. There were only 2 days per week when one or the other of them wasn't home with the kids! And they always had a 3 day weekend together. Now that the kids are high school or college age they both work all 4 days. They make very good money per hour and they don't live a crazy rock star lifestyle, so they are very comfortable. They love to travel, which is where they spend money like going on an Alaska cruise. Otherwise they live a nice upper middle class lifestyle.

My point is that it is a choice to work crazy hours or not to. Yes one does have to accept lesser earnings, and maybe they don't ever become president of the state professional surgeon's organization. But there is a good amount of family time and plenty of money if one is careful with spending. It is all about the priorities.

 

Is her affair still ongoing? How did you find out?

Keep moving forward with this, you are doing great so far.

 

I feel you Florida. While I’m not going to give you advice, here’s my story (it’s quite similar to yours).

Married ExW as she graduated Med school. Followed her for internship, residency (2 locations), and fellowship, and attending gig. 5 moves in 8 years. Found out she cheated pretty much the entire time. I asked for divorce, as soon as she was clearing 5 figures a month. I deserve better than to beg my wife not to **** other guys.

All I asked was my piece and quiet. She pays for the Attorney and I would not ask for any $$, ever. She reluctantly agreed.

For me, I just wanted to erase her from my memory. She was dealing with Alphas everyday. And when you make peanuts compared to her coworkers, temptation is just around the corner.

I was 33 when I bailed. No kids. I’m 5 years removed and could not be happier.

And oh yeah, I stay away from north FL. There’s a hospital there that’s notorious for infidelity.

Good luck my friend

 

I think you should get half of her take home pay for the next 5 years or longer - and in return the basis for the divorce will be kept confidential.
You have a strong bargaining chip. I also agree that you should do some additional evidence gathering. A doctor's schedule provides an easy cover for an affair so this may long term or multiple guys. The more evidence the greater your bargaining incentive for her to save face.

 

I'm in a similar situation, I finally found 100% proof my wife was having an affair and we are now divorcing, only we do have 1 young son and a house. I make a decent salary but she's an attorney and does make quite a bit more then me. She also started law school after we got married and I supported her though law school and then refinanced our mortgage years later to pay off her high interest school loans. I don't know where you're from but in NY the financial stuff is fairly straight forward. Yes, any and all income is marital income so therefore she can't cut me off even though she recently told me that she was no longer going to have her check deposited in our joint account and only deposit what she "owes" towards our mortgage and bills. Everything in our checking, savings, and any outside accounts that she has that I don't know about yet, I am entitled to half of. As far as my house goes, she wants to stay there and I have no problem with that, but we need to have the house appraised and then she needs to refinance it and take my name off everything, and I get half of the equity in the house after the refinance. Being that your case is similar to mine where she makes more money, depending on where you live, you should also be entitled to monthly alimony. Here in NY they changed the alimony system so it's not a permanent thing anymore and it's only paid monthly for a certain number of years depending on how long the marriage was for. Financially the only things that can't be touched are inheritances or any investments or anything like that which they had prior to the marriage.

As far as living arrangements, again depending where you live, you cannot make either spouse leave before the divorce is final without some type of court order. You can ask her to leave, if she agrees then she's gone. If she does leave and both of your names are on the lease, then she still owes you half of the rent each each as well. The same goes for any vehicles that are in both of your names, even if she leaves and doesn't take the car she still owes half of that payment.

After sitting wife an attorney for a consultation and also sitting for a consultation with a mediator, the spouse who makes less definitely is better off at the end of the day. The only difference for me, and for you, is that since our wives went through graduate school after being married, those degrees are also worth something in the divorce as well. If we go the mediation route it will be harder to get something extra because of her degree, but in a straight divorce it's easier. I am hoping that mediation works though, it's cheaper and more of a business negotiation. With mediation you don't have to go to court for hearings and in my case, my son doesn't have to get caught in the middle of it as much. We'll see how things play out from here, but you definitely have the upper hand.

 

In addition to the finances of living with her through the 'stress' of residency....there's the additional over the top emotional support and encouragement you provided her every day. She needed an unusual amount of emotional support and encouragement from you ...and you were there for her. Tough to assign a $ amount but still very valuable. And something your lawyer can use in negotiations as an appeal to her conscience or sense of fairness.

 

What's the word from the attorney, FloridaGuy?

 

I was satisfied - thought he was a good choice.

Got an overview of the process. He understood and was able to articulate credible arguments to bolster my claim for support, but he said judges view things differently, so I could get a shorter term rehabilitative sum or something as long as the marriage itself.

Some discussion about assets, income, division thereof and so on

Mediation is required. He shared some of the arguments against me and we talked through that. He said that the evidence I have for the affair is likely admissible, but suggested I get more. Working on that. Warned me that because of our high income, my wife, once she hires a lawyer, may be encouraged by her lawyer to drag on the process and make it less pleasant. (more billables, etc)

I had actually planned to confront my wife soon, and he said hold off on that, see if she comes clean, etc. So I am in a holding and evidence gathering mode. No big surprises overall.

Just trying to be patient now.

 

I'm particularly interested in your situation because my son is married to an eye surgeon just completing her residency. And they are moving to a small very isolated community where she can maximize her income. He's an accountant and there's really nothing for him in this move ....he basically will have to change careers and start over. He's always complained about her going off on a co residents' night out where they sit around a table, drink (no food) and talk medicine. They drink enough to get a buzz but not drunk. He's gone along at times and it's boring talk for an outsider. It's difficult to talk with the doctors around you because their life is entirely their work/residency ....so they smile and pretend to be interested in your work or personal life but you soon realize it's a one sided conversation.

In addition, doctors are used to functioning on little sleep so the night out for drinks is during the week (starts late 10-11) and goes into the early hours. My son doesn't often go along because they start late in the evening and close the bar down (and he has to up at 7am).

Finally, they work together/bond under lots of stress and work irregular hours which seems to create a very tempting situation for an EA leading to a PA. And she also seems to have a huge sense of entitlement ...which I understand because she saves lives.

In hind sight, were there any early warning signs or action you could have taken early on to discourage cheating? Would open transparent access to her phone and social media accounts, email and text have helped? Or just hope for the best but prepare for the worst using a prenup with a fidelity clause?
Any advice is welcome.

 

I'm particularly interested in your situation because my son is married to an eye surgeon just completing her residency. And they are moving to a small very isolated community where she can maximize her income. He's an accountant and there's really nothing for him in this move ....he basically will have to change careers and start over.

This can be unpleasant. I started an online biz, joined a cool gym, made some friends and started reading more. You make of it what you can, and with a surgeon's income, friends and family are a flight away. Or they can visit him, because he'll have a nice house. A lot of times, happiness is a choice. Part of our strategy was a beach house in an area we like.

Your son's wife may come to miss her classmates and have a hard time making friends in the new (small) place. My wife's friends here are pretty meh. So your son may want to be ready for his wife to lament her lack of friends or to hang out with less-than-fantastic people. She may come to miss her classmates.

He's always complained about her going off on a co residents' night out where they sit around a table, drink (no food) and talk medicine. They drink enough to get a buzz but not drunk. He's gone along at times and it's boring talk for an outsider.

This can be tough. I tried to use it as a chance to learn about the body. I would ask medical questions or ask them about what they did in the operating room. When things were better with my wife, we had a lot of conversations like this and I always enjoyed it. But either way, she's entitled to her time with friends and this can be an important thing for residents. It's a hard life and those bonds are genuine and usually not sexual. My wife and her residency classmates still have a group text and it's been years.

It's difficult to talk with the doctors around you because their life is entirely their work/residency ....so they smile and pretend to be interested in your work or personal life but you soon realize it's a one sided conversation.

I know this sounds awfully pretentious, but I am well-above-average athletic and attractive. Even at 39 I have no gray hair, nearly all the hair I had at 19, and nice blue eyes that are six feet off the ground when I'm standing up. Her friends and colleagues - male and female - often wanted to talk to me and hear about what I was up to. I never felt shut out of the conversations. Social stuff has always been easy for me though, and I always felt like the other docs wanted to talk to me because I was an outsider and they wanted to know what the "outside world" was like. Maybe they just thought I was pretty. Either way this was not my issue.

In addition, doctors are used to functioning on little sleep so the night out for drinks is during the week (starts late 10-11) and goes into the early hours. My son doesn't often go along because they start late in the evening and close the bar down (and he has to up at 7am).

This may change. My wife and I now love going to bed early. When things were better, we'd be in bed by 9 and proud of it.

Finally, they work together/bond under lots of stress and work irregular hours which seems to create a very tempting situation for an EA leading to a PA. And she also seems to have a huge sense of entitlement ...which I understand because she saves lives.

Surgeons think they're special. They are...at work. Outside of work they're just awkward nerds who prefer books to people. If the entitlement continues outside of work, it's possibly a problem. Life has a way of humbling the entitled; you may fix eyes or transplant organs, but when you're in line at the supermarket, no one gives a ****. Most of life - outside the home, anyway - is the equivalent of standing in line at the supermarket, not being the hero in the OR. How she copes with the inevitable humbling is the issue. If she's healthy, she'll embrace books and travel and spending time with your son and finding ways to grow as a person and wife. If she's unhealthy, it'll be some type of self-medicating. He can be supportive but she has to permit him to do so.

In hind sight, were there any early warning signs or action you could have taken early on to discourage cheating? Would open transparent access to her phone and social media accounts, email and text have helped? Or just hope for the best but prepare for the worst using a prenup with a fidelity clause?
Any advice is welcome.

You can't change what a person is. I am routinely approached by women. Was at lunch the other day and some 30ish woman dropped off her phone number at my table and walked away. A month ago I was on the road and a woman started a conversation with me at a restaurant, told me where she was staying and said it was her last night in town. As a single guy I would have slept with each of them. As a married guy I won't. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a cheater. You can't change what a person is.

The only red flag is that her parents had a bad marriage. Her Dad had a long term affair and is a very selfish guy. Her Mom is a nice lady. My wife spends a lot of time lamenting what a **** her dad is/was, and now goes out and does the exact same thing.

But no, there were no other red flags.

 

what about hiring a PI?

 

Good for you. Glad you like the lawyer.

Have you hired a PI to gather more evidence?

 

@FloridaGuy123

Sorry you are going through this demoralizing experience.

But I sure hope your attorney can sock it to her in some way, for your benefit.

I have an especial loathing for people who use their partner to put them through school; then dump them when their career starts to take off.

It used to mostly be the behavior of successful men. But now we see women doing the same thing. Yuck.

Of course you don't want to be living on alimony the rest of your life; but you should get *some* kind of remuneration.

Best of luck going forward in general, and with your own career.

 

I can't imagine the emotions you're feeling living with her day to day. It must be incredibly frustrating as well as tempting to confront her.
At this point you playing a part in a movie.

Is there any change in her level of interest towards you .... same hugs, smiles, laugh and eye contact.
How have conversations with her changed? Are you still discussing the future or date night. Is it your sense she's thinking about exiting the marriage or she enjoys being married but wants something extra?

Does your wife dress stylishly? Does she make heads turn when she walks into Starbucks? Did she have a active social/dating experience in HS and College and Med School? Could she be trying to catch up on what she thinks she missed in life due to all her studying and training?

 

I can't imagine the emotions you're feeling living with her day to day. It must be incredibly frustrating as well as tempting to confront her.
At this point you playing a part in a movie.

Several parts. Husband. Detective. Dog parent. In-law. Yeah, it's a lot to carry around and with the installation of voice recorders, I suspect the load is going to get heavier. It hurts a lot but I often recall that a lot of dead people would like to be alive with these problems. I'm not interested in self pity. This is life. Let's deal.

Is there any change in her level of interest towards you .... same hugs, smiles, laugh and eye contact.
How have conversations with her changed? Are you still discussing the future or date night. Is it your sense she's thinking about exiting the marriage or she enjoys being married but wants something extra?

Affection etc for me is way down. She is surely thinking of exiting the marriage. I don't believe this is a strategic decision but a knee-jerk. If she was cheating with a Nobel Prize winning physician or high powered financial guy or entertainer, it would be loathsome but it would also on some level be comprehensible. She is cheating with a schlump. Maybe she wants to be the big dog and the boss in the relationship. I treat her as an equal.

Does your wife dress stylishly? Does she make heads turn when she walks into Starbucks?

She's an awkward nerd. Scrubs most days, professional dress (Ann Taylor, not Saks) on office days. On her time it's very casual. She's never BEEN to a Neiman Marcus, doesn't know what Barney's is and owns nothing fancy. Her awkward nerdiness in a sea of glamorous Miami ho's is what I fell for and what I still love.

Did she have a active social/dating experience in HS and College and Med School?

I didn't know her then but I am guessing no. The temperament that produces a surgeon rarely overlaps with the characteristics that produce a Homecoming Queen.

Could she be trying to catch up on what she thinks she missed in life due to all her studying and training?

It's distinctly possible. But she ended up with a loving and devoted husband who is also (in her words) the best looking guy she ever dated. So if she wants to go ride the **** Carousel, that's a strange decision for a woman who focused so much on one goal. However, I obviously do not know what makes her tick as well as I thought I did.

One day at a time.

 

I have to say that you are doing so great.

I know you are hurting, but you are doing the right thing.

Just keep it up...

 

I second this. You have an amazing amount of clarity and insight. Stay the course and you will come out the other side just fine.

 

How does a surgeon get involved with a loser (is he at least physically attractive)? I admire your strength and determination to press forward.
None of this is your fault in any way...it's strictly on her. You are not alone.

 

No, he's not. He truly is not. Joe Average in appearance, education and success. She is feeding a demon in her head; it's a tough place to be for her. It's rough for me too, but I'm not feeding a demon. I'm breathing clear air. It sucks right now, but as you said, I didn't wreck the marriage.

Gotta press forward. If I fight, I will be pressed forward anyway, and just be tired.

 

@FloridaGuy123, you say "Proof has arrived. Not evidence, proof."
Curious turn of phrase there -- what "proof" did you get that is not evidence? How did you find out about her cheating and how did you get this definitive "proof"?

 

I think you know this, but her choice in AP is a reflection of how she sees herself.

The broken nature of waywards is why so many affair down.

They subconsciously pursue that which they believe they deserve.

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She has a good friend from college who we see several times a year. It's probably her oldest and closest friend. Let's call her Sarah. She recently lamented to me that she hasn't talked to Sarah in a while, and they used to talk all the time.

When you're in the midst of this, when your marriage is wobbly, when you're not sure what to do...you tend to blame yourself. This admission that she's lost touch with an old and close friend is additional evidence that it is not I who has changed.

It doesn't make me any happier. It still sucks elephant-sized balls. But it helps with perspective. Having fulfilled her career goal, she is now getting to work on personal goals, or as you said, pursuing what she thinks she deserves. The toughest part of all this is knowing there is nothing I can do. She is simply making her choices.