[Faithful Wife]

I am trying to make the best of it but I'm learning that the best this time around will never ever come close to what I had before.

Lila, do you mean specifically in the looks department?

 

[Ynot]

I won't be attracting better. It will take an enormous effort to become top 10% only to be able to attract the middle of the pack within my age bracket, at best. That's a whole lot of effort for so so rewards.



Attempting to out best my ex husband is a waste of time. He's top 1-3% compared to the single men I've seen online. I'm not seeking guys like him, a.k.a the best. I'm not asking for more than I can offer but even the ones that are equal to me in looks and lifestyle are out of my league.

My choices for dating are do I put in enormous effort to hopefully attract a compatible guy I find passably attractive or do I do nothing and settle for someone I'm not attracted to or incompatible to me.

Yes, I am getting a chance at a second life but it wasn't one that I asked for nor wanted. I am trying to make the best of it but I'm learning that the best this time around will never ever come close to what I had before.

OK, I am not saying this in spite, anger, disgust or in any other negative way. But you really need to look within. What you had was NOT the best that you will ever have. If it were, you would still be there. But you aren't. BUT, you do have the choice to make your future the best that you can ever imagine.
So for the present I agree with FW, you really need do need to take some time from dating. You need to focus on your self. Apparently that starts with an attitude adjustment, which apparently is really necessary. Let go of the past and stop imagining it as something great. There may have been good times, but on the whole it wasn't. Let go and start thinking about what you want. This is exactly what I meant when I told you earlier that you probably do not have a clue what it is that you really want.
But I have to tell you that you will never find out if you wallow in the past and allow it to define you and your goals.

 

[Lila]

Lila, do you mean specifically in the looks department?

Looks, success, core family values, political views, etc..

 

[Faithful Wife]

Looks, success, core family values, political views, etc..

Seems like looks is the only thing here that may not be "even close" to before. All the other things you've mentioned are not really things that people lose as they get older.

 

[Ynot]

Looks, success, core family values, political views, etc..

These are the pedestals you need to tear down in order to build your new life. You cannot cling to the past.

 

[3Xnocharm]

Attempting to out best my ex husband is a waste of time. He's top 1-3% compared to the single men I've seen online. I'm not seeking guys like him, a.k.a the best. I'm not asking for more than I can offer but even the ones that are equal to me in looks and lifestyle are out of my league.

My choices for dating are do I put in enormous effort to hopefully attract a compatible guy I find passably attractive or do I do nothing and settle for someone I'm not attracted to or incompatible to me.

Yes, I am getting a chance at a second life but it wasn't one that I asked for nor wanted. I am trying to make the best of it but I'm learning that the best this time around will never ever come close to what I had before.

The man CHEATED ON YOU. You think you cant do better than a dirty rotten cheater? THIS is your bar? You should want way better for yourself than that! Pretty scary that you think this is what the best is! SMDH.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop dating for a while, I think you jumped into that pool WAY too fast. A good honest reality check about what you USED to have is in order. You deserve better than the POS who cheated on you, and the fact that you think he is the "best" shows that you are not in the right frame of mind to be seeking a new partner.

 

[Lila]

OK, I am not saying this in spite, anger, disgust or in any other negative way. But you really need to look within. What you had was NOT the best that you will ever have. If it were, you would still be there. But you aren't. BUT, you do have the choice to make your future the best that you can ever imagine.

It was the best I will ever have. It wasn't the best he thought he could achieve. My marriage was not perfect but I fought for it really hard because I knew exactly what it was going to be like being single at my age. I saw other women get divorced and go through exactly what I'm dealing with now. I did not want that for me but like I said, no choice in the matter. He wanted out.

So for the present I agree with FW, you really need do need to take some time from dating. You need to focus on your self. Apparently that starts with an attitude adjustment, which apparently is really necessary. Let go of the past and stop imagining it as something great. There may have been good times, but on the whole it wasn't. Let go and start thinking about what you want. This is exactly what I meant when I told you earlier that you probably do not have a clue what it is that you really want.
But I have to tell you that you will never find out if you wallow in the past and allow it to define you and your goals.

I agree that I shouldn't be dating and I'm not but it's not because I don't know what I want. I totally get that my marriage was not perfect but there was a lot of good to it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it was 90% great with 10% bad. I want to find the 90% great in my next relationship plus I want to find some of the missing 10%. It's finding that which will be impossible.

I keep reading from you and others to work on me. That I need an attitude adjustment. That I need to be happy with who I am. I can change everything about me but it'll never get me what I truly want. It's not realistic. That's the part that bothers me the most.

 

[Lila]

Seems like looks is the only thing here that may not be "even close" to before. All the other things you've mentioned are not really things that people lose as they get older.

You're right, they don't. But the men who are successful, share my family values, political views, etc.. are hot commodities. Again, they have the pick of the litter. I'm not it.

 

[Lila]

These are the pedestals you need to tear down in order to build your new life. You cannot cling to the past.

It's not about clinging to the past or pedestalizing my ex husband. I know his strengths and I absolutely know his faults. It's about knowing what I like, and the qualities I listed are the ones I like in man...just like the men in my age bracket who like fit and young.

We are all entitled to like what we like even if the likelihood of finding someone who meets those qualities is likely slim to none.

 

[Lila]

The man CHEATED ON YOU. You think you cant do better than a dirty rotten cheater? THIS is your bar? You should want way better for yourself than that! Pretty scary that you think this is what the best is! SMDH.

Do yourself a huge favor and stop dating for a while, I think you jumped into that pool WAY too fast. A good honest reality check about what you USED to have is in order. You deserve better than the POS who cheated on you, and the fact that you think he is the "best" shows that you are not in the right frame of mind to be seeking a new partner.

Not to defend him but looking back at my marriage, the cheating was an exit affair. Should he have done it? Absolutely not but looking back, I can now recognize he was checked out a long time before he got involved with someone else. He hedged his bet and set his soft landing before making the jump.

Is he a spineless chicken ****? Yep.

Is he an evil person? Nope.

Does he have some amazing qualities? Yes.

Are there some that he was lacking? Absolutely yes!

Do I want someone just like him? Hell NO!!! I want someone with his good qualities and without his bad ones.

 

[Ynot]

It was the best I will ever have. It wasn't the best he thought he could achieve. My marriage was not perfect but I fought for it really hard because I knew exactly what it was going to be like being single at my age. I saw other women get divorced and go through exactly what I'm dealing with now. I did not want that for me but like I said, no choice in the matter. He wanted out.




I agree that I shouldn't be dating and I'm not but it's not because I don't know what I want. I totally get that my marriage was not perfect but there was a lot of good to it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it was 90% great with 10% bad. I want to find the 90% great in my next relationship plus I want to find some of the missing 10%. It's finding that which will be impossible.

I keep reading from you and others to work on me. That I need an attitude adjustment. That I need to be happy with who I am. I can change everything about me but it'll never get me what I truly want. It's not realistic. That's the part that bothers me the most.

Lila, when my marriage ended, I thought it was the end of the world. No one would want a divorced middle aged man. Guess what? I was wrong. I was so wrong I can't even believe that I even allowed my divorce and my ex to upset me.
What you are feeling is the raw nerve endings that came from your marriage ending so abruptly. You just wait, in a year you will have a different attitude, in two years an even different attitude and a few years later you will wonder what you even concerned about in the first place.
In many ways you should be glad you did NOT find what you are looking for (now). Because then you might have been trapped into a life that you will soon realize you never needed and don't want anymore.
My first relationship started about 6 months after my divorce. I was so desperate to rebuild what I had had, that I overlooked so many red flags. It didn't end well and then I spent another 6 months learning those lessons. I moved on from there. But I continue to learn lessons every single day.

 

[Faithful Wife]

@Lila I’m going to resist telling you to cheer up, things will change, etc.

I’m just listening. You are telling us what you are seeing and feeling. You are trying to make peace with it, and you are moving forward. You aren’t saying you’re going to give up and die, you’re just saying it like it is.

Whether things may look different or not later, this is how you feel now.

It’s really hard for us to hear it because we want to make you feel better. But you are trying to feel better by using acceptance. I get that. To you, this is what it is.

So instead of chin up, I’ll say bottoms up, here’s a toast to acceptance...and to moving forward. I have had to accept a lot of things I didn’t want, too. It sucked. And some things I’ll never get back. But bottoms up with whatever you’re drinking, because there’s no going back. Cheers! :toast:

 

[Lila]

@Lila I’m going to resist telling you to cheer up, things will change, etc.

I’m just listening. You are telling us what you are seeing and feeling. You are trying to make peace with it, and you are moving forward. You aren’t saying you’re going to give up and die, you’re just saying it like it is.

No definitely not going to give up and die. I have a child to get to adulthood.

Whether things may look different or not later, this is how you feel now.

It’s really hard for us to hear it because we want to make you feel better. But you are trying to feel better by using acceptance. I get that. To you, this is what it is.

So instead of chin up, I’ll say bottoms up, here’s a toast to acceptance...and to moving forward. I have had to accept a lot of things I didn’t want, too. It sucked. And some things I’ll never get back. But bottoms up with whatever you’re drinking, because there’s no going back. Cheers! <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/toast.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Toast" ></a>

Thanks for trying to make me feel better @Faithful Wife. Yes on all accounts above. There's no going back no matter what. Bottoms up! 🍻

 

[3Xnocharm]

Here, you guys can rough me up for a little bit lol...

I am pretty sure I need to end my current relationship. I am getting nothing from it, really. I haven't had sex in four years. I get no compliments, no flirting, no sweet nothings. I never get told "I love you" unless I say it first, and that's only been recent that I have even been getting it back. We don't spend very much time together any more despite living only about 12 miles apart.

Anyway.

What keeps me in this: He has been my best friend for the last four years... he is kind, gentle, respectful, good hearted, laid back... But, its the overwhelming thought that if we split, that within a matter of weeks he is going to be with someone else, and he is going to be the super boyfriend for her I have been begging him to be for me this whole time that REALLY keeps me in this! Stupid, right??? In his past, he was the one who always got cheated on, crapped on, used, hurt... was always the good boyfriend. But with me he is pretty checked out. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that he doesn't actually WANT me. Not the way you need your partner to want you, as in, desire, seeing/working toward a future together, spending as much time as possible together.... What I need help with is HOW to get past this worry about other women after me. I just don't know how to let go of that part. Of course I struggle with losing closeness with someone who has been the biggest part of my life for four years, our lives are so intertwined. And the fact that he hasn't turned into the ******* that all my past partners did after this much time... how do you let go of someone who is nice and kind?? I have never been in this position before.

All this time I had honestly felt like we were supposed to be together... again, stupid, right?? Am I asking too much? Should I be content with what I have since it really "isn't" that bad??

 

[Ynot]

Here, you guys can rough me up for a little bit lol...

I am pretty sure I need to end my current relationship. I am getting nothing from it, really. I haven't had sex in four years. I get no compliments, no flirting, no sweet nothings. I never get told "I love you" unless I say it first, and that's only been recent that I have even been getting it back. We don't spend very much time together any more despite living only about 12 miles apart.

Anyway.

What keeps me in this: He has been my best friend for the last four years... he is kind, gentle, respectful, good hearted, laid back... But, its the overwhelming thought that if we split, that within a matter of weeks he is going to be with someone else, and he is going to be the super boyfriend for her I have been begging him to be for me this whole time that REALLY keeps me in this! Stupid, right??? In his past, he was the one who always got cheated on, crapped on, used, hurt... was always the good boyfriend. But with me he is pretty checked out. I have pretty much come to the conclusion that he doesn't actually WANT me. Not the way you need your partner to want you, as in, desire, seeing/working toward a future together, spending as much time as possible together.... What I need help with is HOW to get past this worry about other women after me. I just don't know how to let go of that part. Of course I struggle with losing closeness with someone who has been the biggest part of my life for four years, our lives are so intertwined. And the fact that he hasn't turned into the ******* that all my past partners did after this much time... how do you let go of someone who is nice and kind?? I have never been in this position before.

All this time I had honestly felt like we were supposed to be together... again, stupid, right?? Am I asking too much? Should I be content with what I have since it really "isn't" that bad??

Ok, to paraphrase your own signature line - Life is too short to waste time on people who do not make you happy.
You do not owe anybody your happiness and they do not owe you yours. If this guy is not cutting it for you, there is no reason to settle for it. In fact you might be doing something he should have done himself. You might actually be doing him a favor. He might be stringing you along for the same reason.
When it comes to thinking about the women that come after you, if you care about this guy you should want him to be happy. If he makes some other woman happy and she makes him happy, be glad for him, because it wasn't working for you.

 

[3Xnocharm]

When it comes to thinking about the women that come after you, if you care about this guy you should want him to be happy. If he makes some other woman happy and she makes him happy, be glad for him, because it wasn't working for you.

Ugh, I know... I wish I could say that I was this selfless and good...

 

[Elizabeth001]

Ugh, I know... I wish I could say that I was this selfless and good...

No shat...I hope mine gets what’s coming to him. And her if she hasn’t figured it out by now...she needs a spankin’.

Guess I’m still processing [emoji48]


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[john117]

You're right, they don't. But the men who are successful, share my family values, political views, etc.. are hot commodities. Again, they have the pick of the litter. I'm not it.

My short list is "substantially educated, no skeletons, no young children, successful career, 50+, super liberal, 5+ look, doesn't take life seriously, likes adventure".

More skeletons than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies... and generally speaking, academia is full of single 50+ year olds who fit the list save for the skeletons.

 

[Elizabeth001]

My short list is "substantially educated, no skeletons, no young children, successful career, 50+, super liberal, 5+ look, doesn't take life seriously, likes adventure".

More skeletons than the Pirates of the Caribbean movies... and generally speaking, academia is full of single 50+ year olds who fit the list save for the skeletons.

Well damn...can you forego the “substantially educated”? If so, beam me up Scotty! I do read a lot [emoji16]

ETA: We could [not] get married at Costco! [emoji23]


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[john117]

My last Costco interaction with the opposite gender didn't end well... This late 40s diminutive and very pretty Asian woman asked me ([emoji44]) for help loading "something" in her cart.

Turns out it was (a) 4x something and (b) it was those damned foam mattress things in a box. Holy cow they were like 60 lb each and unwieldy...

I obliged but hurt my back quite good... Didn't get her number, tho someone buying 4 mattresses at a time... Hmm.