Woulda. Coulda, Shoulda. We can debate the morality endlessly, but the reality is that the vast majority never confess - and the vast majority are never found out. Most of that vast majority would probably even agree that - morally - it would be best to confess, yet don't.

 

I'll repeat my first post early in this thread. This is the reality! This is human nature. Moralizing and outrage won't change anything. All you can hope to do is control your own actions as best you can, and hope your own moral convictions continue to serve you if you ever screw up. But if you're inclined to try to beat the rap for a speeding ticket when already caught, for example, can you really know you wouldn't try to beat the rap for cheating, especially if not caught? But in both these scenarios, it's already too late: you've already broken the barrier. Next comes damage control.

Almost everyone's first instinct is to protect themselves: selfishness exists for a very good reason. Morality requires much higher thought processes and successful social conditioning. So saying a cheater is selfish is true. Wanting to find out what they've done is also selfish - because it is rooted in self protection, and entirely valid. Morality certainly comes into play, but it's a secondary response, IMO.

 

I think every cheater should tell their spouse, but I also recognize that many BS's don't want to know. So I am going to cop out and say that in MY marriage confession is non negotiable (it has to happen) but for other people? They can decide for themselves.

 

Following up my argument in the other thread, those who are against it what would be the reason not to? What makes it noble.

 

I wonder if confessing more often leads to reconciliation than discovery. I wonder if confessing occurs more often when the cheater is going to leave anyway. Is there ANY tangible benefit to the cheater to confess? Without some expectation of a better outcome through confessing, where is the motivation? (Especially when the odds are good that they'll get away with it.)

 

Every part of that paragraph is basically just reinforcing the selfishness and ultimate brokenness of the WS and their thinking. The benefit is for the BS to make an informed decision. Besides that once someone has cheated on a marriage it's quite disingenuous in my mind to now suddenly be concerned about what is the benefit for the marriage. Talk about hypocrisy, the WS didn't give a **** about the marriage when they were cheating, yet NOW they care?

Besides that the vow was to honor and protect your spouse not the marriage. Your spouse has a right to know, you are not protecting them by letting them live with a cheater uninformed.

Here is my post on the other thread that expands on this.

Here in lies the difference. You spouse is not your child. You never made a commitment with your child, and you are lying to your child for a very different reason then you are lying to your spouse. The fact that you equate a child relationship to that of husband and wife just shows it doesn't hold up.

The premise seems to be the cheater is protecting the spouse so ultimately they can have a good life. I don't agree, spending your life with someone who cheats on you is a waste, basically a nightmare whether you know it or not, there is always better out there then that. When it comes to a committed relationship a cheating spouse (especially one who doesn't ask for forgiveness) is worthless. Frankly worse then worthless because all they are just a time sink. Most people when given the choice would not want to be married to a cheater. I know I wouldn't. If you don't give me a choice you are still taking away my power and agency and abusing me. Frankly it always comes down to protecting yourself from consequences, not the spouse you cheated on. (I am sure I could find just as many references from Psychologists to say you should tell them by the way)

The one caveat is when your spouse specifically says they wouldn't want to know. I still don't give those marriages much of a shot though in the long run.

What if the spouse point blank asks you. What if they tell you they would not want to be marred to you if they found out. How do you justify that, surely you are not saying you have the right to override that request by not providing the information to make that decision.

Nah it's just plain and ordinary immoral selfishness. I really don't care what any Psychologist says about it.

 

I think the cheater should confess because they are engaging in Marital Fraud, and a kind of fraud which is worse than even what Bernard Madoff did, he stole money cheaters steal your life.

And while it is true that most cheaters get away with it in the sense that nothing is ever proven, I think much much more often the marriage is further damaged, they end up in separate beds, kissing ceases, vague distrust is felt, etc. I don't think there are many affairs without consequences.

Tamat

 

Most cheaters are too selfish to ever want to tell

Most betrayed would want a confession

Never the twain shall meet

 

How many BS have had this conversation post DD...

BS: If things were so bad, why didn't you just divorce me?
WS: I love you, I never wanted to leave you.
BS: Then why did you keep cheating on me, right up to the day you were caught?
WS: I didn't know how to stop. If I told you the truth, you would D me.

Plain and simple... they ain't confessing, cause they ain't stopping. Selfish.

 

Should they tell sure - but remember even when caught most cheaters just want to get away with it. I will say this people who do carry that around for their entire married life and never confess have a warped conscience.

 

no! no! hell no? and if caught. follow these three basic rules. 1. deny. 2. deny 3. deny

 

...

 

Allowing your spouse to stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on them without their consent hurts them much more then telling them you cheated on them.

 

From the other thread

Regardless of OP, Here in lies the difference. You spouse is not your child. You never made a commitment with your child, and you are lying to your child for a very different reason then you are lying to your spouse. The fact that you equate a child relationship to that of husband and wife just shows it doesn't hold up.

But lying to a child for that child's benefit wasn't the only example I gave. The point is, we lie for reasons that have nothing to do with saving ourselves heartache. Whether you call them white lies or lies by omission we do it. Not confessing is about the biggest lie by omission you can make, but if made for the reason of not burdening your spouse with information that would only hurt them it is better to continue to omit the truth.

The premise seems to be the cheater is protecting the spouse so ultimately they can have a good life.

It is no so simple as that. I think you have not read anything I've written because I've never suggested that to withhold a confession be based on having a good life.

I don't agree, spending your life with someone who cheats on you is a waste, basically a nightmare whether you know it or not, there is always better out there then that. When it comes to a committed relationship a cheating spouse (especially one who doesn't ask for forgiveness) is worthless. Frankly worse then worthless because all they are just a time sink. Most people when given the choice would not want to be married to a cheater. I know I wouldn't. If you don't give me a choice you are still taking away my power and agency and abusing me. Frankly it always comes down to protecting yourself from consequences, not the spouse you cheated on. (I am sure I could find just as many references from Psychologists to say you should tell them by the way)

Again, I'm not sure you've actually read my words because you use cheating in the present tense, as if it is on going, currently happening and likely to continue to happen. If those qualifications are true, than absolutely the betrayed spouse needs to know. This is not a repentant spouse. This is not a spouse seeking insight into his/her character and why they cheated.

I've never ever suggested that any consideration be given to protecting oneself from consequences of their behavior. If an unfaithful spouse gives any thought to saving themselves the heartache of consequences than they are STILL not examining their behavior and are STILL acting selfishly and are STILL unrepentant.

You all seem to think that consequences must be delivered by the betrayed in order for them to be true consequences and that is not true. You also seem to think that a person can only be repentant by confessing and that is not true either.

The one caveat is when your spouse specifically says they wouldn't want to know. I still don't give those marriages much of a shot though in the long run.

What if the spouse point blank asks you. What if they tell you they would not want to be marred to you if they found out. How do you justify that, surely you are not saying you have the right to override that request by not providing the information to make that decision.

Good question, I think if a spouse asks point blank, this is a spouse who needs the truth. What you can't see is not everyone needs the truth.

As far as OP is concerned lets just go with your premise that she didn't cheat. I don't agree but I do agree it's not the same as adultery because they hadn't even met in person. So lets say we accept your premise though, she didn't cheat.

She still lied to him for 10 years. 10 years of lying is a hell of a thing to get over and doesn't make for a good marriage. The damage is still severe. Now if you are saying she should have lied forever because it wasn't his business then I guess you ARE advocating for taking away the ability to make an informed decision. Don't know how anyone can morally do that. Remember he asked her repeatedly according to her, and she lied every time, until she didn't. You seem to be saying the lying was a good thing.

I think you are wrong and I believe this result just proves my point. Had she told him the truth from the beginning he could have decided to take her as she was or they would not have gotten married. If he had to decided to stay presumably it would be with some resolve to get over it. The point is he would have made an informed choice and had agency in probably the most important relationship and choice he made in his life. That is a very big part of betray that is often overlooked. There is a theft of agency. It's part of what the BS has to try to recover, which is only made worse when you stay with the person who did it. The easiest way to do it is to move on. This is also to my mind, why so many do walk away even years later.

So if she had just told him either they wouldn't be in the mess they are, or they would have both moved on. As it stands they still may not survive and if that is the case they wasted years, and even if they do the damage is likely done now so they don't have the marriage they could have. Telling the truth at the start was always the best choice. Better to take your medicine.

No her mistake was in allowing him to be butt hurt over it in the first place.

"You cheated on me before we ever met face to face when I kept lying about how I was going to come visit you month after month and was evasive about the reasons why I couldn't? I'm crushed! Why would you do that to me?"

And the wife says: "no I didn't cheat, I dated a man before I met you, get over it." End of story.

 

You also seem to think that a person can only be repentant by confessing and that is not true either.

.

I'd doubt the remorse of someone who hides their A...they are doing it to keep their life in tact. I understand it but I do doubt they are thinking of anyone but themselves - hence more selfish behavior.

 

"Honey, you know how I promised to be faithful to you forever when we got married? Well I've been unfaithful, but I've decided that you're not mature enough to know about it. So I'm going to continue to deceive you, like an entitled child, by keeping quiet."

Sorry, who's not "mature" enough again?

 

I think that the betrayed spouse has a right to at least know what they're involved with, and given all the information to make a reasonable choice of whether they wish to stay or not. It's like the betrayed spouse thinks that he/she is still married to the same person he/she took vows with, but that person has violated their vows, and it's sad that the betrayed spouse goes on living a lie. That said, a betrayed spouse could have a hard time with the news, so maybe that is why some cheaters, if they end the affair quietly, don't say anything? Idk.

 

I have spoken to many BSs. Most say it was not the sex that caused them to leave the WS, it was the continued lies and deception.

So a WS can make up several reasons not to tell and probably talk themselves into believing, but that is just continuing the lies and deception.

One of the main reasons I don't push R here is that if a WS lies and deceives before and during the affair to get what they want, can you truly believe all the "I'm sorry and love only you" that most say to avoid a D?

 

One of the main reasons I don't push R here is that if a WS lies and deceives before and during the affair to get what they want, can you truly believe all the "I'm sorry and love only you" that most say to avoid a D?

That's been my view for years.

How does the fear of losing one's family and their financial assets suddenly equate to 'remorse' just because the cheater is caught and is now jumping around like a trained seal doing whatever their BS tells them to do in order to avoid being tossed out the door? For most cheaters, the whole reason they were lying and sneaking in the FIRST place is because they didn't want to lose their family or their assets. They didn't want to lose anything before they were caught and they don't want to lose anything after they're caught. So where were all those declarations of love for their BS and where was all that desire to work on their marriage BEFORE they were caught cheating? Where was it all before D-Day?

Yeah. I thought so.

I read that nonsense all the time from BS's who claim their 'former' cheater is 'doing all the work' which really just means the cheater is towing the line and doing everything the BS expects of them because they don't want a divorce. Yet, you continually see these BS's coming back to the board a few years later claiming, "I'm back.." because their supposedly 'remorseful cheater who was doing all the work' has once again shown their true character and got caught again. And worse, the fool is all about reconciling AGAIN with their cheater.

 

Ignorance is bliss. This is often true for both the WS and the BS. When in doubt, STFU!

 

I have to respect the 99 year old husband who divorced his 96 year old wife because of her affair that she had in the 1940s. source

 

Affairs taint a marriage. His was based on lies and he knew it. Self respect.

 

My crazy wife had numerous EA in her time with me, she always said to me after i found out that she was dong something behind my back that she was so many times going to tell me she had had an affair but couldn't get the words out. I didn't believe her at all as she was always a liar, but i could imagine it would be very difficult to own up when one wasn't sure of the collateral damage. Confessing anything must be difficult, but the trick is to not be in a position to need to confess, just don't do anything that requires a confession or the guilt of keeping quiet brings, but that is asking too much i think, people just need to grow up a bit, stop doing that that hurts, heal the wounds of life and you will have achieved something, something huge.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX

 

There is no benefit to telling your spouse. People do it to alleviate their guilt so they dump it on their spouse and destroy his world so that the cheater can feel better. The fact that you are honest is not going to minimize the fallout of your cheating. You are risking your marriage.

If you do not tell and resolve never to do it again, your spouse does not get his world turned upside down and you just suck it up, live with the guilt and be a faithful wife. If you are not going to cheat again, why tell your spouse? Do you tell them that they are fat or ugly because honesty is the best policy. Nope. You spare them and just keep that stuff to yourself.

I once told my wife that I cheated. It is 43 years later and she still brings it up. She still is bothered by it and I regret telling her. All I did was get rid of my guilt by dumping it on her and that was very unfair of me to do. It has affected her for all these years. If I sucked up my guilt, my wife would not still be thinking about me cheating for decades.

 

At least you gave her the choice--exactly how she chose to respond is up to her. Had you not, every day since then you would have both been living a lie which is far worse. If it has affected her all these years, she should have left you and moved on--again, you gave her that choice.

The mere possibility of being discovered, no matter how unlikely you think it may be, is itself justification for telling as finding out later is infinitely worse.

 

There is no benefit to telling your spouse. People do it to alleviate their guilt so they dump it on their spouse and destroy his world so that the cheater can feel better. The fact that you are honest is not going to minimize the fallout of your cheating. You are risking your marriage.

If you do not tell and resolve never to do it again, your spouse does not get his world turned upside down and you just suck it up, live with the guilt and be a faithful wife. If you are not going to cheat again, why tell your spouse? Do you tell them that they are fat or ugly because honesty is the best policy. Nope. You spare them and just keep that stuff to yourself.

I once told my wife that I cheated. It is 43 years later and she still brings it up. She still is bothered by it and I regret telling her. All I did was get rid of my guilt by dumping it on her and that was very unfair of me to do. It has affected her for all these years. If I sucked up my guilt, my wife would not still be thinking about me cheating for decades.

 

There is no benefit to telling your spouse. People do it to alleviate their guilt so they dump it on their spouse and destroy his world so that the cheater can feel better. The fact that you are honest is not going to minimize the fallout of your cheating. You are risking your marriage.

The risk was done by having the affair.

I disagree that there is no "benefit" in telling the betrayed spouse.What's the "benefit" in staying in an unfulfilling marriage?Maybe, just maybe, both the betrayed and the cheating spouse will be happier with other people?

Ignorance is bliss. This is often true for both the WS and the BS. When in doubt, STFU!

Just because they are unaware there was infidelity, doesn't mean the betrayed never notice a growing emotional distance and suspicious behavior.They may assume it's just depression, mlc or the money/family issues, but they know something's a miss.


Open communication, honesty is important in relationships in general.Not just when there is cheating.

If you do not tell and resolve never to do it again,

They swore to never do it in the first place, on their wedding day.

your spouse does not get his world turned upside down and you just suck it up, live with the guilt and be a faithful wife.If you are not going to cheat again, why tell your spouse?

Because the spouse deserves someone better suited for them?Someone that will spend as much effort on them, as the cheating spouse spend on the AP?And not just out of supposed guilt, but genuine love and adoration.

Do you tell them that they are fat or ugly because honesty is the best policy. Nope. You spare them and just keep that stuff to yourself.

Yes.You should tell them.If your find your spouse fat, ugly or otherwise unattractive, what's the "benefit" in forcing yourself to make love and live with a person you don't like?And doesn't your spouse deserve someone that will find them attractive and appreciate them fully?

I once told my wife that I cheated. It is 43 years later and she still brings it up. She still is bothered by it and I regret telling her. All I did was get rid of my guilt by dumping it on her and that was very unfair of me to do. It has affected her for all these years. If I sucked up my guilt, my wife would not still be thinking about me cheating for decades.

At least you gave her the choice--exactly how she chose to respond is up to her. Had you not, every day since then you would have both been living a lie which is far worse. If it has affected her all these years, she should have left you and moved on--again, you gave her that choice.

The mere possibility of being discovered, no matter how unlikely you think it may be, is itself justification for telling as finding out later is infinitely worse.

QFT

 

Had I definitively found out about my RSXW's cheating during the course of our marriage, it would have made it far easier for me to just walk away. But being totally oblivious to it at that particular point in time, how was I to even know?

I believe it is human nature that the cheater is so ashamed or emotionally removed from their sordid actions, that as long as those actions remain "out of sight and out of mind," just who in the hell gives a damn?

For as long as they are getting their rocks unloaded in another cheaters bed, their mantra of security is greatly that "nobody will find out!"

That is, until they do!

 

I believe it is human nature that the cheater is so ashamed or emotionally removed from their sordid actions, that as long as those actions remain "out of sight and out of mind," just who in the hell gives a damn?

For as long as they are getting their rocks unloaded in another cheaters bed, their mantra of security is greatly that "nobody will find out!"

That is, until they do!

Cheaters might claim during their affair they were not thinking about their BS but that is like saying the drunk driver was not thinking of his victims while they were drinking at the bar. Well WTF did you think was going to happen when you went out and screwed someone else? Thats right you werent thinking like the drunk at the bar wasnt thinking of that family they could kill if they got behind the wheel drunk. SMH

 

DOing an RA has been on my mind from time to time... Especially when she talked to mutual contacts and the POSOM made contact with me. I still get EYES and flirting from women.

But also, I view it as TWO wrongs don't make a right... but who knows.

 

If your not comfortable with it then don't do it. Period. I think just like people are uncomfortable with the fact that in many cases a cheater goes undetected people are uncomfortable with the fact that sometimes an RA does help the BS. In addition people talk about the injustice of infidelity and how a BS needs to live with it perhaps the other form of injustice is that for many an RA is looked at less harshly than the original A. I find cheaters are willing to live with injustice so long as it swings in their favor but not so much when things even up or swing the other way. Human nature I suppose. But I repeat do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. Stick to what you think is the best course of action for YOU because the purpose is for YOU to heal.

One last question would anyone really want to live with a WS who would not extend them the same forgiveness they are asking for?

 

I think if the affair is ended before the spouse gets caught then there is no need to hurt the partner.
Being honest at that point would cause just unnecessary pain since the affair was ended already and without it being a forced action.
People go on about honesty at all costs but like everything when it is applied blindly it can cause more harm than a lie. I don't really see the point of confessing at that point since the affair isn't gonna affect the partner any longer.

I say this as having been cheated by my ex on so it's not a biased opinion.

 

Just because the affair ended before getting caught doesn't mean it won't be exposed later.

And "what's the point?"
The point is you owe it to someone you supposedly love to let them know just who it is they are devoting their life to. Hiding that in the name of "saving them pain" is unconscionable.

 

Really the only thing being debated is intent.

I lied to you for you.

Vs.

I lied to you for me.

 

double post.

 

Maybe the one that hat said the bs isn't mature enough to handle it has it all wrong. The CS isn't mature enough to be in a honest and loving relationship.

Cheating is betraying the one you are supposed to be honest and true to.

 

People will rationalize anything including cheating but I think you nailed it with this post.