I'm sorry, but it's over. It couldn't be more clear. The fact is, you need to cut off all contact with her for you to move on. She's toying with you.

I applaud your devotion to your religion, but it takes two to tango. She clearly doesn't have a religious objection to divorce and just because you're committed to "the sanctity of marriage" (which was violated when she had the EA and then many times after when she has likely been intimate with new men) is not enough for a marriage to work. Both spouses must have the same convictions.

Get away from her. Get divorced, take your assets and move on. She has been explicitly clear that she doesn't want to be married to you. It's far too late to "save" anything.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. Good luck.

 

Thank you....might not what I want to hear....but maybe what I needed to hear.

 

The good news is that you can now move on and find someone who you really want to be with who is someone who really wants to be with you. You can take all that you learned from your first marriage and apply it to new relationships so that whenever you decide to marry again, you will have a much greater knowledge of what it takes for a marriage to succeed.

There's no reason to want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Yes, it's painful to be in your situation, but thankfully she was upfront with you and let you go rather than staying married to you and having affairs behind your back.

For the time being though, you need to get away from her. Perhaps one day you can have a friendly relationship, but you now need to go find "you."

I really wish you good luck.

 

start working on yourself and develop some new or old hobbies also exercising tends to help as well I would not beg, grovel, or anything else the divorce isnt over till its over it sounds like she would need to do some heavy lifting though

 

Im definitely doing the 180....Ive lost over 20 LBS in 3 months I feel good look good If I say so myself lol and spent some money on some new wardrobe. Ive asked out a couple times etc of course ive said no since I am still married...a couple times its like I wanted to literally be with someone just to spite her...but thats just my anger speaking. But I get it...I dont want to be a doormat either....but I just dont want to walk away so easily and regret not at least trying to fight for the little strand if any left in my marriage..I have a friend that went through a divorce and his only biggest regret is he gave up way to soon and wished he would have fought to the very end....but I understand the begging etc...I use to do that in the beginning I dont anymore...but I do send her texts here and there that I still care and want to work in our marriage. Maybe that isnt so smart to do either.

 

Sorry, but she has checked out of your marriage and there's nothing you can do about it. It's all up to her, unfortunately. She filed for D already, so there's no "court" to play on; she's moved on, and so must you.

My advice would be to stop contacting her, seeing her, having dinner with her, etc. She's just using you for a free meal. STOP!

Work on yourself. Do things with your friends. Live your life. Eventually you'll meet someone else. But move on from HER!

I wish you the best, and sorry you're going through this.

 

Sometimes you have to push them away to see if they ever come back. I believe folks want what they can't have, and as long as you are stuck in the friends zone with you STBXW (soon to be ex wife) she has it made.

You continue to make it convienent for her to eat her cake, she knows you aren't going anywere, so why work on the marriage.

I have a feeling she has never second guessed her self in what she was about to loss. You never once made her think twice in what she was about to lose cuz you tried to "nice" your way through.

I believe she has it made, you are there for the emotional support and a long time friend, while her affections a sexual needs are met by OM (other men).

I think your sharing your wife and if you took the time and money to confirm this it might be a little easier in letting her go completely.

 

SOmetimes you have to push them away to see if they ever come back. I believe folks want what they can't have, and as long as you are stuck in the friends zone with you STBXW (soon to be ex wife) she has it made.

You continue to make it convienent for her to eat her cake, she knows you aren't going anywere, so why work on the marriage.

I have a feeling she has never second guessed her self in what she was about to loss. You never once made her think twice in what she was about to lose cuz you tried to "nice" your way through.

I believe she has it made, you are there for the emotional support and a long time friend, while her affections a sexual needs are met by OM (other men).

I think your sharing your wife and if you took the time and money to confirm this it might be a little easier in letting her go completely.

WOW that was awesome...I never actually saw it like this and yes..I have been nice in everyway....calling her....telling her I love her...Telling her Im here when she is ready etc.......dang the more I think about this the more angrier I get...I know there is a difference in being a christian husband and a dang doormat....and I think that is what I am becoming. I dont think even after we have been separated she actually truly knows what life is without me since I am always there...for every call...every need etc.....hmmmmm!!!

 

I think I need to add she is also only 23....yeah she is young I get that to. The only regret I have is that...I married her young...I am 30.

 

I am also a christian and believe in the sanctity of marriage. I want to fight and save my marriage as a christian husband I feel that is the right thing to do...but I guess Im at a lost...

Scripture says that if you are married to an unbeliever and they want to leave you can let them go. Pray for God to bring back your wife to you and do your best to find a believer for your new mate.

 

The problem is she is a believer I guess to some degree as she is willing to give up her faith to do whatever she wants...but from my own understanding she only had a EA and nothing more and I did the whole detective thing and gathered evidence etc...at least for now there has not been any signs of a PA....and the EA is completely done...but I guess from talking with the Mother in LAW...she is not over the other man...she still thinks she is in love with him and cant get over him. Yeah SUCKS!!!

 

23 yrs old....ya her affections and need fo intamcy are being met else were, So brother, but back in the day when she 1st started getting distant, all the while she was going out every other night with her girl friends, then thats a huge red flag.

I think if you quitely do your own investigation you will find the real reason for the divorce.

 

I'm sorry I dont have advice because I have not been in that situation...yet in terms of the filling for divorce.

But I am really concerned by the amount of women who refer to this imaginery spark as an excuse to end a marriage. If it's not an excuse, and they really do believe that, then reality will catch up with them. Sparks dont last...ever.

 

When she started getting real distant was back on Feb and that was when she kind of started her new job and that is where the EA started....but when we separated for good up to now was in MAY....and the OMW confirmed as the OM is now being transparent and she sees when they first talked as if they wanted to be together was in May. But Im sure the flirting etc started in Feb...and may was when they decided to let feelings out...ARGGGHH!!! This makes me sick to my stomach.

 

I understand that at times the BS is also in a fog..that is why I came here....maybe im just in denial....and also I come from a family where I have seen worse situations and their marriages were restored due to one person truly having faith...My mom is one of them.....and my aunts......I know thats their story and not mine.

 

Yes, this happens all the time but it is God doing the restoring, not the standing spouse

If she is a believer, then it is your responsibility to stand her up. Specifically that would mean bringing her back to faith and repentance

 

I think my job is done here...LOL

BTW, even Jesus got pissed off and turned the table upside down.....just saying


And I don't recommend you got to chuch and get angry at the priests, but you can be a calm and controlled alpha male that will no longer tolorate your STBXW behavior.

God only gives us what we can handle and I believe he has given you enough now to see it time to realize and do the research with regards to what is really going on in your marriage.

God will be there for you, it will be painful, but you owe it to your self to stop being decieved and find the evil truth that will jsutify your next step.

 

And stop taking her to dinner = meal ticket for her. Let OM do that for her.

And stop the "I love you, I'm here for you, I'll wait forever". :nono: No more txting................and ignore hers. She wanted the D, so let her have it and see it for what it's worth!

 

True...I think maybe also..I feel that I messed up as well as a husband that I pushed her to do what she did and Im trying to redeem myself...

 

I want to fight and save my marriage as a christian husband I feel that is the right thing to do...

How do you fight to save a marriage when your spouse has a) cheated on you b) has no interest in being with you anymore and c) has filed for divorce?

We live in an era free will (although I guess there are some third world countries where women don't have a choice).

Unless you happen to be located in one of those places where women have no say, you can't force her to stay married to you, you can't "fight" a battle when the only other combatant refuses to engage.

 

My fWW (former wayward wife) is a believer and she cheated big time, but she walked away from her faith.
In your case your STBXW may some how justify her love for OM as a bleassing.
Who know if she has commited adultory, but at the very least she is cheating on you emotionally, and her infidelity may have just recently move to adultory. Some times waywards can justify having sex with some one other then there spouse by simply asking for a divorce...in there fantasy mind they may believe they are now divorce even tough it isn't finalized.

At any rate I believe you will be best served by letting her go completely...distance your self and no more dinners and light chit chat.

 

You said Former did she come back ?

 

Why is it your fault she had an EA? She could have left you first instead of decieving you. Sure *now* she made the choice to leave you but still, back then she made a choice in how to handle an unhealthy marriage.

 

That is very true....I think I need to get out of this Rut...of my mistakes pushing her away...but our problems wasnt crazy that not all married couples go through...Our married issues are common to all married couples...I was willing to work since great marriages take work...and she just wanted to jump ship as soon as supposedly something better came along...which by the way Ive seen the OM pictures.....it kind of almost made me laugh..that she chose that over me....lol!

 

I took her back...if you get my drift.

She made some bad choices and I was gone, I let her go. It was her that did the heavy lifting to save *her* marriage.

My tough love approached gave her the perception that *my* marriage was over. Little did she know I was scared out of my mind and would have done anything to keep her.

it was risk she could have walked but my additude made her think twice in what she was about to lose.

Its been 2-1/2 years since I confronted her on her adultous lifestyle.

 

Thanks for that...I started reading a book by Dr Dobson Called love must be tough...its helping as well in doing what I got to do. How are you guys now?

 

Really good....still need to get to church more, but the kids seem to go more then me and the misses.

 

How long did this hell last though...When you started the NC did she all of a sudden come around and begged you to work on the marriage. Granted you guys have kids you think that helped? We have no children.

 

It took a few weeks to gather evidence, then confronted her, took a day away from it all and came back and talked.

It took me a about 6 month to forgive and a another 6 month to make a solid commitment to keep her by watching her and witnessing her true remorseful actions.

In my case I confronted her with some hard evidence and she begged for the marriage all in one day of the confrontation.

 

Im glad its working out for you. You are a big man for doing what you did...and Im sure your wife is thankful!

 

fighting

a lot of people here seem to be saying give up. As none of us know you or wife really, my advice is different.

Follow your heart. If you still want to fight to get her back, do so. But you are right, I think : do not grovel or beg. You are your wife's equal and have recently been behaving better than she.
Only you will really know whether this is worth doing.

As a veteran of 35 years of marriage, problems that appear to have been around for you for just a few months seem very short-termto me. Your wife seems to me to be giving up on her marriage too easily. Has anyone ever told her that marriage is never always a bed of roses and that you have to work through the difficult patches? They should have done.

One last thought which I find very powerful:

Love is stronger than fear.

Follow your heart.

 

Thank you for the powerful words...even though I know what everyone is saying is true...as in I shouldnt be a doormat...which I have been....but I also understand that ultimately Im the one that will live with the regret if I dont do whatever I can in my part to try to save this marriage. I mean she can do whatever she wants....but I need to do what I can...I will try to definitely not be a doormat....but I know one day I dont know when...she will wake up and regret her actions....she even admitted that she will she just said she can live with regret....kind of immature and stupid if you ask me....but as for me if I can avoid regret especially as something as important as saving my marriage...I will do what it takes.

 

I think it's also important to note that at 23, she's not nearly as emotionally mature as you are. In fact, our brains continue to grow until the age of 25, so she has A LOT to learn. I got married at 23 to my wife who was 32 at the time. We had to get through some things as I matured (nothing like what you're going through) but I don't think I really became an "adult" until 30.

I still think you need to cut all contact with her and let her go completely, but I wouldn't be surprised if she comes running back to you in a year or two or more. The question then is "will you take her back"? Only you can answer that.

Good luck!

 

You have two options ---

1) ask if she will go to marriage counseling with you for a month before you agree to sign papers

2) sign the divorce papers and let her go.

People don't file if they still believe the marriage can be saved. Let her go.

 

She told me she filed....but it doesnt mean anything...I can still change my mind....she said I have your number....then I proceeded to ask her are you ready for me to be completely out of your life and she said no and some other excuses. WOW I come to realize I am dealing with a selfish child....I dont even know this woman anymore...this is not the woman I married.

 

She told me she filed....but it doesnt mean anything...I can still change my mind....she said I have your number....

She's totally playing games with you AND keeping you at bay by a few threads. Cut the cord!!! Let her go!! NO contact!!

She filed and IT does mean something. She can change her mind, but she won't. Remember, you're just a free meal at this point. STOP! She may have your number, but you can always change it!

 

I know I should go no contact......but im still hoping...call me stupid but I am....I guess its because ive seen so many marriages restored that was worse than mine...granted might not be my story. But I guess it would be different if I was around failed marriages within my family and friends and that is not the case...My friend was served...he responded and they even showed up at the hearing...he even had a restraining order on him...well to cut a long painful story short...they have reconciled and I talk to him daily...they love each other..and yes the wife was the one that went crazy...I guess there is always hope...but I do definitely need to take care of myself...doing the 180 is a def must and NC is not such a bad idea...its not like she doesnt know where I live..if she truly wants to work things out I only live 20 miles from her.

 

I know I should go no contact......but im still hoping...call me stupid but I am....I guess its because ive seen so many marriages restored that was worse than mine...granted might not be my story.

Your story is yours to write. I didn't even respond to my wife's filing. I spoke to her face to face and made my offer, point by point. She lost her will to proceed and it aged off the docket

 

this has also been going on now for about 3 months....I am finally but slowly getting the reigns back and crawling out of the dark painful cave I was living in. Even though the pain is not totally gone...because whether or not she is running and being stupid...I have to be honest...I still love her....but it is definitely getting easier everyday. Even her Mother told me the other day...she doesnt see the spark in her daughters eyes that she use to have...my wife is skinny already and she lost an additional 10 lbs...she lives in a room with a strange old lady..and she told me she hates her life right now. I dont get it, I just dont get it...and honestly up to now I still dont know what went wrong in our marriage in terms of why she did what she did...I asked her flat out one time...what went wrong....what did you feel was missing...what did I do wrong....she said..She doesnt know and doesnt have a grand answer for me. My take...is when the real issues of marriage came around...it was to much for her to handle...being young and immature she probably thought it was going to be flowers and roses and a fairytale always.