I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.
pantyhose on my husband
annarara
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This post summarizes my line of thinking on this. :smthumbup:
Saying you should be supportive of course it puts it all on you - so you have to decide how hard it is for you to do it.
But 'calling off 18y of marriage for a 'benign' fetish of this sorts? You should think twice; I would - however I am kind of on the other side of this story: I love having my wifes underwear (e.g. when I have to go on business trips), and s/times wear it.
: reminds me of her and, yes, turns me on - much better then going to strip clubs or having an affair, etc.
Saying you should be supportive of course it puts it all on you - so you have to decide how hard it is for you to do it.
But 'calling off 18y of marriage for a 'benign' fetish of this sorts? You should think twice; I would - however I am kind of on the other side of this story: I love having my wifes underwear (e.g. when I have to go on business trips), and s/times wear it.
: reminds me of her and, yes, turns me on - much better then going to strip clubs or having an affair, etc. Groovebaer63 - does your wife know. Are you open and honest with her? I am happy to hear the other side and really am trying to figure this out. I think that the communication and secrecy and dishonesty is playing a huge part in my thought process - it is not JUST the pantyhose thing.
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We were only married a few years,no kids together either. I found out about his particular fetish by snooping bc my gut feelings were getting to me.
I am very happy now and remarried.
Scarlet Begonia - you have been so very helpful. I appreciate it and believe I share your taste in music!!! You sounded a bit like you regretted the way you handled things but you are now happy and I am happy for you. What made you suspicious?
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Glad to help
Have you ever walked into a room and your husband didn't hear you approaching? Then when you speak he nearly jumps out of his skin and his face gets red? it was that kind of stuff that made me think something was up with him. That and his possessiveness over his electronics (phone/computer).
Have you ever walked into a room and your husband didn't hear you approaching? Then when you speak he nearly jumps out of his skin and his face gets red? it was that kind of stuff that made me think something was up with him. That and his possessiveness over his electronics (phone/computer).
annarara-
I apologize if I sound harsh, but I'm giving myself liberty because I am not foreign to this issue.
The secrecy/dishonesty angle that you are holding onto as a means to feel offended as merely the result of his initial shame (whether it came from society, himself, or others in his life) and then this continued shame based on your reaction and continued abhorrance of this piece of him.
You're hear to figure out what to do after finding yourself at this conundrum.
I honestly think a lot can be done with how you frame this.
1) If you choose to frame this as an offense to you...then it will a fight of your ego against his. He will continue to feel shame. He will view himself as unacceptable to his wife.
2) If you choose to reframe this as a piece of your husband that you may not fully understand right now...or maybe ever...but then choose to love him (actively) and give him permission and acceptance to be vulnerable within your marital relationship. You then take away the struggle among egos and approach this with empathy.
I would suggest watching a TedTalk online by Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". It may help in giving some perspective.
Please dont' misunderstand with my assertiveness....this revelation, after so many years would definitely make things feel off kilter. I empathize with you.
I apologize if I sound harsh, but I'm giving myself liberty because I am not foreign to this issue.
The secrecy/dishonesty angle that you are holding onto as a means to feel offended as merely the result of his initial shame (whether it came from society, himself, or others in his life) and then this continued shame based on your reaction and continued abhorrance of this piece of him.
You're hear to figure out what to do after finding yourself at this conundrum.
I honestly think a lot can be done with how you frame this.
1) If you choose to frame this as an offense to you...then it will a fight of your ego against his. He will continue to feel shame. He will view himself as unacceptable to his wife.
2) If you choose to reframe this as a piece of your husband that you may not fully understand right now...or maybe ever...but then choose to love him (actively) and give him permission and acceptance to be vulnerable within your marital relationship. You then take away the struggle among egos and approach this with empathy.
I would suggest watching a TedTalk online by Brene Brown "The Power of Vulnerability". It may help in giving some perspective.
Please dont' misunderstand with my assertiveness....this revelation, after so many years would definitely make things feel off kilter. I empathize with you.
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Don't feel guilty annarara. I suspect many women would be shell shocked.
Attraction is a fickle thing. You may be able to adjust your perspective and be fine but I have my doubts. It's more likely you'll keep the ewww feeling every time you think about it. Give it a little time I guess.
Cons - you say you are not foreign to this issue. Are you a wife that discovered this or a husband that does this> Just curious as I am really trying to hear both sides and understand. I will look at the Ted Talk - if I can find it. I welcome more back and forth on this.
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I guess you did say that earlier. Well 3 years seems like more than enough time to know if it's going to be a permanent problem or not. If this is just who he is then maybe you guys are supposed to be friends instead of lovers. It doesn't mean either one of you are the bad guy. Just that you're not compatible.
Yes- I am the wife. Blissfully married.
Could you explain how you have given it 3 years?
Waiting for him to not have this fetish anymore?
Working together to find a common ground? For both of you to gain some understanding around this?
It sounds like you are requiring abstinence from this practice and he wants to comply because he loves you. Yet, it is a visceral desire/arousal point for him...and so when he fails to meet your requirement...the shame cycle runs wild. It can be a diifcult cycle for him...and you, to break.
Could you explain how you have given it 3 years?
Waiting for him to not have this fetish anymore?
Working together to find a common ground? For both of you to gain some understanding around this?
It sounds like you are requiring abstinence from this practice and he wants to comply because he loves you. Yet, it is a visceral desire/arousal point for him...and so when he fails to meet your requirement...the shame cycle runs wild. It can be a diifcult cycle for him...and you, to break.
We have to joint and separate councilors. He lied during both and said he was no longer doing it. I found them however several times. We have talked about alternatives - sexy underware, silky things. His newest therapist suggested he wear a rubberband around his wrist to condition him when he thinks about it to snap it so that he reconditions his thoughts to think of our marriage and other ways to sooth himself. We have discussed our sex life - which is good. He is discovering things about himself that he has not share - low self confidence and self esteem - bullying as a child. He says that more than as a sexual thing it comforts him - and he likes the feel. I don't really buy this as it seems like other things could be substituted. I think it is a fetish and that he can not change it. Unfortunately I don't think I can change my feelings of being very turned off by it.
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Yes - we are quite open about this part of our marriage. I think I might have been dishonest for other things - and regret this, but our fantasies are quite openly discussed (Maybe she'll read this and comment
)I am not a great communicator myself so I can see why it is difficult for your husband (and especially on this issue - which is quite 'touchy') but you say it is not just that...
Annarara-
You say you don't buy that it is self-soothing for your husband....I would say it sounds right on the money...
It sounds like your husband is having a difficult time finding an alternative... why does there need to be an alternative? It still send the message to your husband that he is wrong/bad/unacceptable.
It also sounds like you are not willing to change your perspective because it turns you off.
Sounds like an impasse. I am so sorry...
You say you don't buy that it is self-soothing for your husband....I would say it sounds right on the money...
It sounds like your husband is having a difficult time finding an alternative... why does there need to be an alternative? It still send the message to your husband that he is wrong/bad/unacceptable.
It also sounds like you are not willing to change your perspective because it turns you off.
Sounds like an impasse. I am so sorry...
I think he is more in to wearing them - than me wearing them.
I would feel like he is only thinking of taking them off me an putting them on himself. This has been an individual (with himself) activity - so not sure that me wearing them would do it?
I would feel like he is only thinking of taking them off me an putting them on himself. This has been an individual (with himself) activity - so not sure that me wearing them would do it?
I'm so sorry Annarara. I would feel exactly like you do and there would be no amount of therapy that would help, no justification for why he feels the need to do it that would make me be okay with it, and no amount of "understanding" I could come to that would ever make it alright with me. Some may consider that small-minded and insensitive but it is important for people to be true to themselves within a relationship.
Thanks for your response. I feel like I have been a bit beat up on this forum. I agree that he should do what he likes = but what if it is not what I signed up for and ultimately is a HUGE turnoff. His secrecy and deception has made this a HUGE issue in the marriage.
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5,761 Posts
I understand your shock. Based on reading the whole thread, I have a few ideas that might help you work on the attraction.
I think you can get past the trust - he was protecting a very vulnerable side and perhaps he was trying to not do it anymore and was honest in his attempt. It sounds like he knew it wouldn't be acceptable to you. I see the biggest issue being attraction and he probably figured that would be an issue and hid it so as to not hurt you or expose himself to ridicule.
"Thinking" aloud here...
If he likes the feeling of restraint mentioned by another poster - and that could be what makes him feel safe (based on insecurities/bullying) or manly (bulging out of):
- do some role play like you are a cop busting him for something and he's trying to get out of the charge
- give a blow job through the hosiery, ripping it and freeing him toward the end
- would he like you to be more assertive in the bedroom?
- could you agree to incorporate his fetish a certain number of times per month if he ups the ante for you a few times a month by doing something super masculine like 'taking' you or talking dirty?
- can you look past the fact it's traditionally female garb and focus on his erection/excitement so that you feel excited about his hardness?
- can you ask him to do what he normally does alone to show you what excites him - perhaps in a mutual masturbation session?
If you can find any way to maintain attraction - not to him in women's underwear but HIM. His body, his maleness, regardless of what he has on - I think that might help.
Or lastly you could ask him to keep it strictly private, that you don't want to know that side of him exists, but frankly that probably won't work long-term.
I don't have any experience with this - I'm just drawing off of the other posters.
I think you can get past the trust - he was protecting a very vulnerable side and perhaps he was trying to not do it anymore and was honest in his attempt. It sounds like he knew it wouldn't be acceptable to you. I see the biggest issue being attraction and he probably figured that would be an issue and hid it so as to not hurt you or expose himself to ridicule.
"Thinking" aloud here...
If he likes the feeling of restraint mentioned by another poster - and that could be what makes him feel safe (based on insecurities/bullying) or manly (bulging out of):
- do some role play like you are a cop busting him for something and he's trying to get out of the charge
- give a blow job through the hosiery, ripping it and freeing him toward the end
- would he like you to be more assertive in the bedroom?
- could you agree to incorporate his fetish a certain number of times per month if he ups the ante for you a few times a month by doing something super masculine like 'taking' you or talking dirty?
- can you look past the fact it's traditionally female garb and focus on his erection/excitement so that you feel excited about his hardness?
- can you ask him to do what he normally does alone to show you what excites him - perhaps in a mutual masturbation session?
If you can find any way to maintain attraction - not to him in women's underwear but HIM. His body, his maleness, regardless of what he has on - I think that might help.
Or lastly you could ask him to keep it strictly private, that you don't want to know that side of him exists, but frankly that probably won't work long-term.
I don't have any experience with this - I'm just drawing off of the other posters.
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