[moogvo]

If the poor guy wants to wear panty hose, then no, silk PJs aren't going to do. If you are seriously thinking about ending your marriage over this, then it can't be much of a marriage to begin with. There has to be more to it than panty hose. Perhaps you might go ahead and pull the plug so he can go find someone who actually cares about him because clearly you don't if you will let a pair of hose ruin your marriage.

It isn't as if you walked in on him having sex with the dog or eating out of the litter box...

Either there is a LOT more wrong with this marriage that you DIDN'T tell or I am calling BS on this thread.

 

[SamuraiJack]

Okay...
I will give you a few pointers here...fetishes were one of my sub fields.
Yes, "its you", but this doesnt have to be a big deal.
Its like person who will only eat steak on Saturdays. Not a real game changer...just a little odd.

Let him have it.
Let him have it gracefully and kindly.
The same way you have a favorite night cream or favorite shirt.
If you love him, its just another piece of him.

Now for the actual fetish, its not the feel of the fabric. It's the feel of resistance. The few I have actually talked to stated that it made them feel hyper masculine for their erection to overcome the clothing along with the feeling of restiction. One of may patients said that the smaller the thong the larger his penis looked and that was a turn on for him.

You may have to talk with him for a bit and I want to commend you in advance for what might be a very unusual conversation. You are a trooper for sticking with it this far.

They have a lot of types of mens underwear that looks a lot like a thong. You can check out Fredericks of Hollywood for a little browsing.

I know this is weird for you. I have talked with spouses of people with fetishes. Its just a part of him like blue eyes or brown hair.
It's not going to go away, so you might as well just accept it and have some fun with it.
Life is too short to let something as trivial as this come between loving people.

 

[Counterfit]

I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.

I suspect your husband has had an interest in dressing in female clothing since puberty. He most likely repressed the interest for many years. This type of sexual mapping does not just "happen" late in life.

You will likely have a full-fledged cross dresser on your hands in a few years who is tired of resisting what sexually excites him.

It is his "bad" for not being honest with himself and entering into a marriage with a traditional / "vanilla" woman.

If he is also a closeted bisexual or homosexual who enjoys "dressing" you need to be extremely careful about the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease from him if he is out "exploring" his sexuality with other males.

I am sorry you have been put into this situation by your husband.

 

[EleGirl]

What is it that a cross dresser gets out of it? I'm sure that there are different things for different people. But I'm curious.

I would think that the reason he's doing this is extremely important. Yet you do not mention why... only that he does it.

 

[MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut]

I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.

Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?

 

[EleGirl]

I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.

Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?

Yes. But I don't do it to get off sexually.

Her husband is doing this to become aroused and apparently masturbate.

 

[Pandakiss]

I have a question to all the ladies in this thread.

Have you ever wore "men's" clothes (shirts, boxers, pajamas, pants, suits etc)?

I haven't commented on this thread but I wanna answer. Yes I wear and have worn men's clothes. I personally don't get anything out of it, because that is not my kink or fetish.

I do however LOVE wearing thigh highs and knee highs, esp during sex. They feel nice and soft, and are sexy. I will spend days hunting on tons of sites just to find that "perfect" pair.

I think kink and fetishes are normal my husband has a very common fetish among men, yet some women don't understand it or dislike it. My kink is different, and we accept one another's different take on it. I have always felt about sex and sexuality my whole life. It's a part of me. He is the same way.

He trusted me enough to tell me about it at a very young age, an age when he could not explain it me and I have very very little understanding about it. It was probably shocking to me and confusing.

On the flip side, if I had never known, and recently found out about it, I would probably react differently, maybe, don't know. He could certainly be more expressive about and have a lot more knowledge about it to help me understand where he is coming from.

Communication is key, and at least a half open mind. Kink and fetish is a whole new world of extreme trust and compassion and a heavy dose of understanding.

 

[Holland]

OP I think some of the posters are actually being very judgmental of you and hiding that behind saying you are in the wrong, get over it, it's no big deal.

Personally it would be a deal breaker for me and yes I would consider ending a marriage over this. Two reasons, firstly the lying by omission and secondly it would be a HUGE sexual turn off for me and I would struggle to view him as a strong man any more. It is vital that the man I am with be a strong, masculine sort of guy and to me a cross dresser is not that man.

This is not a judgment on people that choose this life style as I have friends that live all sorts of life styles. Great friends but not what I would want in a lover.

No idea what to do, you are in it now and I hope you can find a place of peace.

 

[Hicks]

He hides it because of your reaction and the stigmas.

He will not change, this is a part of him. He is not gay, but this would be like being gay, something he cannot change.

You've gone about it in the wrong way. You said I hate this, you need to stop. He said OK and then tried to stop but couldnt.

The proper way to deal with this is to take a look at your life, accept that this is who he is, make the decision to stay or go and then LIVE WITH THE DECISION you make by reminding yourself of the reasons you made it.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

There's nothing wrong with ultimately not being ok with this fetish of his. But flipping out about it and showing your disgust to him is wrong,IMO. Don't forget this is a person you love and try to deal with the situation as kindly as possible. Yes,as Holland said,he lied by omission. But think about why and try to sympathize a little bit.It might make the situation easier for both people. You don't have to stay with him but you don't have to ridicule him either.

 

[annarara]

Scarlett Begonia - you sound like you may have direct experience with this>? Is that correct or??? Just curious.

 

[waylan]

In defense of the original poster, this type of behavior is quite the shock. There is no stigma for women wearing men's clothing so that isn't a valid comparison. If I were female and caught my man in pantyhose or lacy underwear - I'm not sure what i would do.

The logical side of my brain would say - "hey this isn't a big deal, it is just different and we can overcome this."

My emotional side would say - "hey, turns out this guy is a complete freakoid and I need to run away fast."

This isn't a black and white issue...... There are lots of shades of grey in this scenario. lol.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Scarlett Begonia - you sound like you may have direct experience with this>? Is that correct or??? Just curious.

Yes,something similar and I handled it completely wrong. I still regret it to this day and it happened years and years ago.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

In defense of the original poster, this type of behavior is quite the shock. There is no stigma for women wearing men's clothing so that isn't a valid comparison. If I were female and caught my man in pantyhose or lacy underwear - I'm not sure what i would do.

The logical side of my brain would say - "hey this isn't a big deal, it is just different and we can overcome this."

My emotional side would say - "hey, turns out this guy is a complete freakoid and I need to run away fast."

This isn't a black and white issue...... There are lots of shades of grey in this scenario. lol.

I totally agree with everything you've posted here. You really have no idea what to do..except maybe cry and rage at the person. I think the person with the fetish can understand an initial reaction of shock,anger,and disgust. But if they continue receiving that reaction and have to make promises to abandon their fetish,they'll lose trust and go underground w it.

 

[annarara]

Can you please tell me more. I am kind of at a cross roads. I am TRYING to understand and cope. It is more than the pantyhose and is trust, secrecy and communication (lack of) that all goes in to the issue. I love him but it really turns me off. I don't want to be turned off by my husband.

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Can you please tell me more. I am kind of at a cross roads. I am TRYING to understand and cope. It is more than the pantyhose and is trust, secrecy and communication (lack of) that all goes in to the issue. I love him but it really turns me off. I don't want to be turned off by my husband.

It's sad to say but this isn't going to work if you really are turned off by his fetish. You shouldn't feel ashamed of it though and you shouldn't feel like you're a bad person bc you're turned off by it.

You can't force yourself to be ok with this. You also can't force yourself to continue being attracted to a man who enjoys wearing your underthings.

The only thing you can do is try to learn why he has the fetish and educate yourself on coping with it. But again,coping with it isn't going to help you become turned on by your husband. You can't un-know these things about him. It's possible that you can be turned on by him eventually after learning more about the why behind the fetish but it's unlikely.

ETA Also,you're not just dealing with his fetish.You're dealing with the violation of trust. He promised to stop and he didn't keep that promise. He has to realize he can't just promise things like that and then go break that promise without consequences.

 

[annarara]

Did your marriage break up because of this?? Did you share my feelings? I feel so alone because I can't talk about this with any of my friends of family. It was a good marriage before this but things have spiraled down for 3 years and I'm not sure that I can remain in this situation. Went to his councilor for the first time yesterday and it is pretty clear to me that he is not following things that she has told him to try, I also think he misrepresented me. She was surprised to know that I am not at all conservative and have given lots of ideas to help sway the feelings he has - such as buying mens sexy underware, silky mens pjs etc. Our sex life was really good prior to this and I know that part of his reasoning is that he thinks that he is losing that and it is the one thing he is really good at (his words - he is good an MANY things).

 

[ScarletBegonias]

Did your marriage break up because of this?? Did you share my feelings? I feel so alone because I can't talk about this with any of my friends of family. It was a good marriage before this but things have spiraled down for 3 years and I'm not sure that I can remain in this situation. Went to his councilor for the first time yesterday and it is pretty clear to me that he is not following things that she has told him to try, I also think he misrepresented me. She was surprised to know that I am not at all conservative and have given lots of ideas to help sway the feelings he has - such as buying mens sexy underware, silky mens pjs etc. Our sex life was really good prior to this and I know that part of his reasoning is that he thinks that he is losing that and it is the one thing he is really good at (his words - he is good an MANY things).

I ended my first marriage for many reasons. I became ok w/his fetish stuff and did little things to help him feel less like a freak. But ultimately he never trusted me w/his deeper feelings and thoughts bc I struggled so much and was so harsh toward him.I never trusted him again either bc I always wondered "what else is he hiding?".

I'm not sure why he's trying to make you believe he's doing this bc he's losing his mojo a bit. That happens to a lot of men when they get older but they don't start having the uncontrollable urge to wear women's underthings and use them for masturbation. He needs to start being open about the real reasons for this behavior. maybe he doesn't even know the real reason.

 

[annarara]

I agree - I think he does not really know and does not trust me to be open and honest. I am satisfied and have told him so and that it is natural to lose a bit of it as we get older - and I am getting older too. Can I ask how long were you married - when did you find out - and are you happy now???

 

[lancaster]

He is a cross dresser. That does not make him gay or queer. Go to crossdressers.com. NOTE MY SPELLING of the website exactly otherwise it will take you to a website you do not want to go to. It is NOT a porn site. But it has lots of resources for people who are CD or their spouses looking for support.

crossdressers.com is website not unlike TAM for crossdressers and their spouses who are looking for support.