I discovered a bag of pantyhose about 3 years hidden in my husband's closet - totally creeped me out. It is a complete turn off to me and it is tearing our marriage a part. We have both been in counseling - I have found them several times since the initial - he promises to stop and that I am more important to him - but it has not stopped. A few days ago I found him wearing my VERY feminine thongs. Again - NOT OK with me. Looking for suggestions - and help on how to deal with this. I'm ready to give up because it is just gross to me.
pantyhose on my husband
annarara
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A therapist could help you both talk about an issue and come to an agreement on how to proceed, but if one or both of you do not like the therapist, or cannot be open and honest with a stranger about such a sensitive issue, it really just seems pointless.
What you cannot achieve with a therapist you could instead achieve by trying to be open and accepting with each other. jl2005 gave some great insight, I think that post could be a great gift to you in helping you understand what may be going on in your husband's mind.
Others have also pointed out that you don't have to play into his fetish in order to live with it, but you can be somewhat included in it by doing something you don't find a turn off, like wearing the pantyhose yourself, or just accepting that he needs some alone time sometimes to fulfil his needs.
I don't believe in forcing anyone into doing something they simply do not want to do. I think it is damaging to their relationship and their wellbeing, but there are compromises, things you may not initially feel completely comfortable with but may still find arousing.
As for his own feelings of being unattractive or fear of getting old or whatever he is going through, I think this can really be helped if your partner is loving, admiring, caring and considerate. You don't have to tell him he looks sexy in his high heels or pantyhose, but since I'm sure there are points when he is in attire you find more pleasing, you can show him those feelings still.
I think some points in our marriages can be very trying, but when you've both come through so many years together, I think it can be very worthwhile to go that extra distance and ride out the tough points, come to some place where you both can find peace with your differences.
What you cannot achieve with a therapist you could instead achieve by trying to be open and accepting with each other. jl2005 gave some great insight, I think that post could be a great gift to you in helping you understand what may be going on in your husband's mind.
Others have also pointed out that you don't have to play into his fetish in order to live with it, but you can be somewhat included in it by doing something you don't find a turn off, like wearing the pantyhose yourself, or just accepting that he needs some alone time sometimes to fulfil his needs.
I don't believe in forcing anyone into doing something they simply do not want to do. I think it is damaging to their relationship and their wellbeing, but there are compromises, things you may not initially feel completely comfortable with but may still find arousing.
As for his own feelings of being unattractive or fear of getting old or whatever he is going through, I think this can really be helped if your partner is loving, admiring, caring and considerate. You don't have to tell him he looks sexy in his high heels or pantyhose, but since I'm sure there are points when he is in attire you find more pleasing, you can show him those feelings still.
I think some points in our marriages can be very trying, but when you've both come through so many years together, I think it can be very worthwhile to go that extra distance and ride out the tough points, come to some place where you both can find peace with your differences.
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You say he can get aroused without them, but then you say he wears them to get feeling sexy before he is with you.
Can't he feel sexy with you without wearing them first?
That's kind of what I'm getting at.
Hi,
I am a Man on 42. I love woman with pantyhose and high heels, and I love wear Pantyhose and high heels. Until recently it was my
secret.
3 weeks ago I talked about this with my wife, and she was pleasantly surprised that I share this with her.
Since then we do not stop to make sex, both with pantyhose (open crotch pantyhose) and high heels and it's terrific.
We married from 17 years.
I am a Man on 42. I love woman with pantyhose and high heels, and I love wear Pantyhose and high heels. Until recently it was my
secret.
3 weeks ago I talked about this with my wife, and she was pleasantly surprised that I share this with her.
Since then we do not stop to make sex, both with pantyhose (open crotch pantyhose) and high heels and it's terrific.
We married from 17 years.
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835 Posts
Forgive me, I didn't make it through all 8 pages of thread.
Try looking up "Mantyhose." It's pantyhose made for men. I saw a commercial about them once, don't know if they are still around. Since it's made FOR men, it might be a compromise?
My best friend's ex husband was like this. She found out about it much like you and struggled with it much like you. She stuck it out with him (even though he did cheat on her.....but he was a contractor overseas, they were separated for lengthy times.) But ultimately his alcoholism broke the marriage up.
I also knew another guy who had this fetish. Never got down to the bottom of it because we didn't talk all that long. But I know he was very ashamed of it. He said it made him feel sexy. (He was an online friend who opened up to me about it one night while drunk, LOL!) He sent me pics, and wanted me to talk "down" to him. He was not gay. Now I wished I had stayed in touch so I could learn more. Ultimately, I didn't see him as partner material.......probably partly because of this issue. So I can somewhat understand what you are going through......although it stinks that you were married so long before it came out. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Try looking up "Mantyhose." It's pantyhose made for men. I saw a commercial about them once, don't know if they are still around. Since it's made FOR men, it might be a compromise?
My best friend's ex husband was like this. She found out about it much like you and struggled with it much like you. She stuck it out with him (even though he did cheat on her.....but he was a contractor overseas, they were separated for lengthy times.) But ultimately his alcoholism broke the marriage up.
I also knew another guy who had this fetish. Never got down to the bottom of it because we didn't talk all that long. But I know he was very ashamed of it. He said it made him feel sexy. (He was an online friend who opened up to me about it one night while drunk, LOL!) He sent me pics, and wanted me to talk "down" to him. He was not gay. Now I wished I had stayed in touch so I could learn more. Ultimately, I didn't see him as partner material.......probably partly because of this issue. So I can somewhat understand what you are going through......although it stinks that you were married so long before it came out. I'm sorry you are going through this.
anarara, I see this thread dates back to last summer and I'd love to know how you two are doing. You are in a very similar situation to me. I found out after 17 years of marriage that my husband is a cross dresser. When I found out, we were drinking heavily and I thought it was just something he did when he got drunk. When we both stopped drinking, he said he'd throw out all the stuff he had (which was way more than just pantyhose!!). He threw it out, but the fact that he's a cross dresser has never gone away. He has never stopped. He takes my underwear and wears it, has bought multiple breast forms, set up a separate bank account so he could buy stuff from it, and I even found a PO box of his so he can have stuff shipped to it. In the last year, he has decided he can't hide this part of him anymore so he is going to a "support group" which is actually a bunch of guys who get together to dress up and put makeup on. At Christmastime, he bought himself more girl clothes than he bought me.
I'm devastated beyond belief. We have 2 young boys. I don't want them finding that daddy likes to dress as a girl. I know this will never go away with him and he will always do this. I can't accept it. He got all dressed up for me one night with boobs, wig, and all, and I burst out crying. I was so upset the next day that I actually contemplated suicide. I too know when he feels guilty about on his iPad because he hides in the basement with it or hides in the bedroom. If I come in the room, he shuts the cover really fast and he deletes his history every time he closes it. Yes, there are not just issues with cross dressing. There are trust issues and unless you're right in it, you don't understand. I don't know what else my husband is hiding from me or lying to me about. Even if I asked him, I don't know if he'd be truthful. You've been dealing with it for 3 years and I've been dealing with it for 6. I know people say to just "deal with it", "think about how he feels", etc. Well, that's all I do all day is worry about my kids and everyone else so when do we get to worry about ourselves and our happiness and not feeling like we're living a lie every day?
I'm sorry for the rant, but today was the culmination of a lot of years of frustration on my part. I will be suggesting counseling and if he won't agree to that, then it will be over for me because I can't go on living this lie and feeling like I'm covering up for him.
I'm devastated beyond belief. We have 2 young boys. I don't want them finding that daddy likes to dress as a girl. I know this will never go away with him and he will always do this. I can't accept it. He got all dressed up for me one night with boobs, wig, and all, and I burst out crying. I was so upset the next day that I actually contemplated suicide. I too know when he feels guilty about on his iPad because he hides in the basement with it or hides in the bedroom. If I come in the room, he shuts the cover really fast and he deletes his history every time he closes it. Yes, there are not just issues with cross dressing. There are trust issues and unless you're right in it, you don't understand. I don't know what else my husband is hiding from me or lying to me about. Even if I asked him, I don't know if he'd be truthful. You've been dealing with it for 3 years and I've been dealing with it for 6. I know people say to just "deal with it", "think about how he feels", etc. Well, that's all I do all day is worry about my kids and everyone else so when do we get to worry about ourselves and our happiness and not feeling like we're living a lie every day?
I'm sorry for the rant, but today was the culmination of a lot of years of frustration on my part. I will be suggesting counseling and if he won't agree to that, then it will be over for me because I can't go on living this lie and feeling like I'm covering up for him.
DW-
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's so difficult to separate from the non-disclosure and feel that this issue can be seen objectively.
I'm guessing you don't want to shame your husband for this penchant of his. Yet- had you been aware of this before you met, you might have not chosen this. Now that you've been made aware of this 17 years in, you feel awful for wanting to have had that choice to begin with, and stuck that you can't make that decision without a huge cost to you, to him, and your children.
Please know, it's okay to say "I'm not okay with this"....
You're going to need to have a real tough discussion with your husband (perhaps in the presence of a counselor).
Most likely your husband will not change and to expect him to repress would be difficult. So, the discussion would need to be focused on "how can we make this work with the knowledge of this, and what would you need as his wife to make this work."
If this is something you just cannot work with (Which is VERY okay- you have every right to feel this way), then you need to respectfully tell him that this marriage needs to end.
Again- I am so sorry you were blind-sided like that.
Best of luck.
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's so difficult to separate from the non-disclosure and feel that this issue can be seen objectively.
I'm guessing you don't want to shame your husband for this penchant of his. Yet- had you been aware of this before you met, you might have not chosen this. Now that you've been made aware of this 17 years in, you feel awful for wanting to have had that choice to begin with, and stuck that you can't make that decision without a huge cost to you, to him, and your children.
Please know, it's okay to say "I'm not okay with this"....
You're going to need to have a real tough discussion with your husband (perhaps in the presence of a counselor).
Most likely your husband will not change and to expect him to repress would be difficult. So, the discussion would need to be focused on "how can we make this work with the knowledge of this, and what would you need as his wife to make this work."
If this is something you just cannot work with (Which is VERY okay- you have every right to feel this way), then you need to respectfully tell him that this marriage needs to end.
Again- I am so sorry you were blind-sided like that.
Best of luck.
DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.
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Talk and three dollars gets a cup of coffee.DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.
If he's not taking action, the unfortunate next step may very well be the bid "D". Staying for the kids (IMHO) doesn't include THIS...
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I think a lot of posters just aren't getting this.
I can relate as I know if my wife were to discover I had a fetish for wearing feminine clothing it would entirely change the way she saw my sexuality in a bad way.
She is turned on by strong manly men and this would turn her world around because she couldn't envision a strong manly man in a pink lace thong and thigh highs.
She just couldn't do it, in her mind it would be as understandable as the concept of dry water.
She couldn't get past it.
If he's had this fetish since the beginning of your relationship then this whole thing is his fault for not trying to bring you into it before you were committed.
If he developed this fetish after you were committed then it's just sad and no ones fault.
I'm sure he's been hiding it because he's well aware of what your reaction would be as I already know what my wifes reaction would be.
However, I don't think any amount of counselling can change what properties you find attractive or unattractive in a man.
I can relate as I know if my wife were to discover I had a fetish for wearing feminine clothing it would entirely change the way she saw my sexuality in a bad way.
She is turned on by strong manly men and this would turn her world around because she couldn't envision a strong manly man in a pink lace thong and thigh highs.
She just couldn't do it, in her mind it would be as understandable as the concept of dry water.
She couldn't get past it.
If he's had this fetish since the beginning of your relationship then this whole thing is his fault for not trying to bring you into it before you were committed.
If he developed this fetish after you were committed then it's just sad and no ones fault.
I'm sure he's been hiding it because he's well aware of what your reaction would be as I already know what my wifes reaction would be.
However, I don't think any amount of counselling can change what properties you find attractive or unattractive in a man.
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I think this is where OP is. She found out.
Just my two cents worth, and correct me if I am wrong, OP but the disconnect probably lies in trust. I' not sure who said it, but there's a saying that "if you can't be trusted with the little things you can't expect to be be trusted with the big things".
Discovering this (again - correct me if I am wrong, OP) likely shattered her trust...
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Annara he is gay. Not your fault.DW, I have not signed on for quite a while. I'm sorry you are going through this and totally "feel your pain". Things for us have declined I'm sorry to say. In the last 4 months we have been intimate 2 times and he can no longer maintain an erection. I have tried and tried - but don't think I can hold on much longer. We do go to a counselor and he is all talk in the session - no action after. I feel like we are both wasting our time. I have told no one (other than this forum and the counselor) as I am embarrassed. I stay for my kids but at this point don't really feel I am doing them any favors to be living in a loveless marriage. I wish you the best of luck. My guess is - like me you feel very alone.
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Even with women's underwear on? Has anything changed there?
I think he's gay. He can get aroused, just not with you. Recommend a three way as the only way to save your marriage. MMF. See how he interacts with the man.
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