[2ntnuf]

It's a shame.

No one knows for sure, who she is or if she has anything to do with that other thread.

If she is that woman, she still needs help to get through all the stuff she is dealing with and help to become a better woman.

At issue for me, and you know how I feel about cheaters, is that she may go out and do it again to another unsuspecting, loving man, whether she is that woman or not. I mean, at least be honest with a partner and tell them you don't want to be exclusive. That takes courage and acceptance. It takes knowledge of who you are. Above all, it shows empathy. Isn't that what many waywards lack?

Also, I don't know of one marriage where one spouse is completely at fault. There are always issues on both sides. It's perception, coaching, toxic friends, lack of choice, ignorance of what choices they really have and how those will impact the rest of their life, personal integrity and character which cause some to choose infidelity as a coping mechanism. Well, that's my belief.

She never really got a chance to get into it before many were asking questions that would help them understand their personal experience. I understand, but I've had enough time and counseling to know that for many, there is no way of knowing what was going on. It's all guessing and we can only know them by their actions, which proved they did not want their spouse.

And believe me, I have plenty of reasons to be cynical and bitter.

 

[RWB]

Is my character defined by the 46 years I lived before my affair, the 9 mos of my affair or the year that has passed since the affair? I am not necessarily making a statement, I am asking a question?

W,

After 30+ years of marriage, I caught my wife cheating. It had been going on for years, 3 OM, all PA.

My wife asked this exact question... "I was a faithful wife for 25 years, doesn't that count for something?"

I remember looking at her and saying... "Actually, NO. Your affairs will define who you are for the rest of your life."

Life altering?

 

[bfree]

From a Christian perspective, this book may help you figure out why you ended up doing what you did.

http://www.amazon.com/Every-Womans-Battle-Discovering-Fulfillment/dp/0307457982

Actually from a Christian perspective this book would have given her a solid guide on what not to do.

 

[Wishes]

Wishes... Are you coming back?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hi Happy. I don't know. I am just reading all this and am in shock.

 

[MattMatt]

W,

After 30+ years of marriage, I caught my wife cheating. It had been going on for years, 3 OM, all PA.

My wife asked this exact question... "I was a faithful wife for 25 years, doesn't that count for something?"

I remember looking at her and saying... "Actually, NO. Your affairs will define who you are for the rest of your life."

Life altering?

Would that defence work for all cases all the time? For example: "For the first 42 years of my life I never even hit anyone. So I then became a serial killer and murdered 4 people.

"Does the fact that I killed 4 people define who or what I am? Don't the first 42 years count in my favour?"

No. Because such a person would always be a cheater. Sorry! I mean serial killer.

Actually I think you will see what I did there.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[G.J.]

Wish's if your the women in the other thread on another site by GoneDone/DoneGone all you can do is wait to see what happens

The wife in that thread manipulated him at every turn .......and using her children which damaged them is beyond my understanding

 

[farsidejunky]

Hi Happy. I don't know. I am just reading all this and am in shock.

Is that your husband? Is that you?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

 

[2asdf2]

Hi Happy. I don't know. I am just reading all this and am in shock.

Don't be too scared. It is just CWI's way of welcoming a WS. It gets better after that.

When people get to know you, and are satisfied that you are repentant and remorseful, TAM -and CWI specifically- is enormously supportive, by and large.

Divorce is not the end. It is, however, a statement of disapproval that BS often need to make to regain their self respect.

Would you be willing to maintain a relationship with your husband that is platonic, rather than romantic?

 

[NoMoreTears4me]

Ok I will give my 2 cents and they will probably not be popular.

I have no sympathy for adulterers.

First to commit adultery you must perfect lying and deception. At some point you did that or at least to some level. Therefore there can never be any trust ever again between you too.

All cheaters are selfish people. And even though you appear remorseful, you are still selfish in wanting him back knowing that things can never be the same. He has moved on. Leave him alone. You will never understand the pain you caused.

If he takes you back he will never love you like he did before. And that is the price you pay for the betrayal. Neither him nor you can ever fix that.

A part of him will always care for you but he will never love you or look at you the same again. Respect is important and I personally could never respect a cheating spouse again. Trust me I know.

 

[Clay2013]

If your Husband is DoneGone I have followed his thread for while now. I am not a person that believes in reconciliation but I do believe people can change and become better people. I hope you continue to work on yourself and try to be the best mother you can for your children. I do agree with the others I would let him go. Some things you just can't fix or come back from.

I hope you will just focus on your treatment and helping him co parent your children. I doubt seriously you will ever be able to fix things between you and him but that does not mean you can't show him the respect he deserves and let him go.

Thank you for coming and posting. You will see there are some other great WS's that have gone through similar situations and have learned to be safer partners.

SI is a good place for WS's too. You might want to consider that as well. There is nothing wrong with getting all the support you can in your path to healing.

Good luck.

C

 

[EllisRedding]

W,

After 30+ years of marriage, I caught my wife cheating. It had been going on for years, 3 OM, all PA.

My wife asked this exact question... "I was a faithful wife for 25 years, doesn't that count for something?"

I remember looking at her and saying... "Actually, NO. Your affairs will define who you are for the rest of your life."

Life altering?

Wow, I am seriously floored that she could have asked the bolded

 

[Acoa]

Wow, I am seriously floored that she could have asked the bolded

Then you don't understand cheaters. You are supposed to focus on the good and ignore all the bad stuff they do. If you didn't catch them it wouldn't have ever been a problem.

:scratchhead:

 

[michzz]

My ex-wife commented tearfully in the marriage counselor's office: "I was a good wife and didn't cheat for 16 years, doesn't that count for something?"

Um, no it doesn't and as I found out much later, that 16 year figure? Pure applesauce!

She cheated during that period of time too.

She was trying to sell a package back then, that she had a one-time lapse in judgment.

In reality? A long-term affair was still ongoing and there were earlier ones.

Points for convincing tears!

 

[Devastated an lost]

I hope you stay around TAM, for several reasons, first to help others grasp the other side of the coin, you can provide a perspective to BS who are trying to understand what is going on in their spouses head.... providing a refer of reference that they themselves can not see. additionally you might find it cathartic, in dealing with your own issues and hopes. an opportunity to further express the various paths that brought you here, much in the same way that brings us all here, and help in taking us to our next version of ourselves.

Yes, I would like to hear when you figure out, Why you cheated when you had a good marriage. My H said he was happy I was the perfect wife, There wasn't one thing I could change to make me a better W. That makes it so much harder to understand & get past. Reading through your post have helped me to see how it could happen. Keep posting & know that you're helping someone to understand the other side better...

 

[TheTruthHurts]

Wishes - I know you're out there.

Please just post this "I enjoyed the sex. I enjoyed the thrill of the lust and desire the OM had for me. It made me feel lusty. I didn't have that feeling with my H"

If you can type that - or an equally honest and VULNERABLE confession, you can start to heal.

I honestly think you can't start until then.

Kind of like what I imagine a 12 step program works like.

If you want R to work you HAVE to admit what we all assume.

Please take the risk.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Wishes, have you taken a look at the SI thread linked a few pages back? Is that your exH?

 

[jorgegene]

WISHES:

can't blame you if you don't come back.

it can be brutal here as well as cathartic. but as i learned a long time ago, getting at the truth is never easy, but it's worth it.
i'm not saying everything everyone's saying here is the truth. what i'm saying is that the truth is somewhere in the mix of all this.

i learned the hard way back 3 years ago. people here zeroed in on the problem pretty precisely.
and with God's grace i came out the much better for it.

 

[Jimhardc]

As a bs I can say it will be very difficult for your XH to ever look at you the same. The woman he fell in love with and thought that everything was perfect with that he had sunk 25+ yrs of his life into just told him he means nothing to her without ever saying a word. Can you tell us have you completely cut the OM completely out? Do you still know his number him you? If so you have not cut him out. Your EH will not only want to make sure you Have NO CONTACT WITH THE OM he also should not have to say it if you haven't changed your number that is a must it don't matter how long you have had it. If you work with the OM you need to seriously consider new employment (not always realistic) but you have 25 yrs invested in your EH if your job takes priority then just start working on moving on now save yourself the trouble of reconciliation it won't work. If by the smallest chance in hell your EH wants to talk to begin healing plan on telling him EVERYTHING without holding anything back it will hurt but it will also help him understand that you Want a new start WITHOUT ANYTHING HIDING. last thing you need is something you left out coming back to haunt you. Honesty is your only hope now. Also remember zero contact not a text phone call email nothing because as far as your eh is concerned that is as good as an ongoing affair. I hope you can reconcile not many can but good luck and honesty and transparency is the only chance you have.

 

[TDSC60]

Wishes, have you taken a look at the SI thread linked a few pages back? Is that your exH?

The similarities seem to be a little more than coincidental. The length of marriage, OM being an old school friend, the terrible gaslighting the husband was subjected to, involving the children in placing the blame on him, and the fact that she never confessed. In DoneGones thread on SI, he says that he was provided proof of the extent of the affair, that it had gone physical, and about the depth of deception (secret email accounts, burner phones, how his wife and OM were laughing at him and deriding him behind his back) by OMs wife when she found OMs burner phone and secret emails. This is what finally made up his mind to divorce and not look back.

Edit: The one incident that was over the top for me was when he found them together at lunch. He said he was happy his wife was connecting with old friends. He sat with them for awhile then left telling them to "Have Fun". In subsequent emails his wife and OM made fun of play footsie under the table in front of him and his comment to "have fun" was his permission to keep fvcking behind his back. Sick. He read all of this in emails and texts given to him by OMs wife.

 

[jigga114]

Should we really be directing Wishes to her possible XH's thread? I don't think so. It's probably too late for that, but I feel she should not read his thread, just as he should not read her thread. They both deserve their space to vent and say their truth without worrying about people in their real lives reading their thoughts. Just my 2 cents.