You both are in need counseling, whichever way you go. Seriously. You have to be the adult here, your family depends upon it.

 

Definitely those 6 kids need the OP..

 

Hate didn't seem strong enough. I want to say that I don't care how my wife feels/is reacting. I care because it's affecting our children. She is more upset than I have ever seen her. She has called dozens of times and filled my voicemail, I haven't listened to them. All I care about is our kids, mostly the 4 oldest because they are aware of what is going on (me not being there, us fighting). Our 4 year old is old enough to know I'm not there, but won't totally understand it. The 3 oldest will fully understand that we are fighting. The oldest, who is 15, texted me a couple times. He's more upset that his mom and siblings are upset. That is what I care about, not my wife being sorry she got caught. They are who I want to care for.

 

Have you ever heard the saying, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother"?

 

Vandason, she sounds like a great wife to you and a great mom to your kids prior to this revelation.

I want to pose a theory to you, and take it for what it is worth. I think she was so desperate to be a mother and wife that she took unhealthy measures to become so. This does not make it better, but simply may give you some insight into why.

I think it is important to not paint her intentions in this as somehow nefarious.

She certainly needs counseling. If you consider continuing in this marriage, I would insist upon it.

I would encourage you to carefully consider before you decide to throw this marriage away. She sounds like she loves to serve you, and if you spend enough time on this site, you will realize that this is rare.

That said, you must insist on her coming clean about everything. Give her one opportunity to save the marriage. Insist that any future lies will be grounds for you to end it.

I do agree with you taking some time away. However, You need to communicate to her the length of time. Don't prop up her poor behavior as justification for you to behave in a lousy manner yourself. Be the better person in this situation.

Keep posting. There's going to be plenty to deal with emotionally as this continues.

 

This I know.

If you stick around and let this information fade away, she will go from being a good wife, TO A WONDERFUL WIFE.

She will be scared crapless that you will one day walk away.

This sounds like a good deal to me.

On the multiple men sex thing...."their thing" does not wear out.
On the multiple father thing....you are the father, NOW.

Let it go. You are now King in your Castle....believe me.

 

Let it go. You are now King in your Castle....believe me.

Exactly the point, that woman that had kids with different guys does not exist anymore. She's been replaced by your wife, and by your own accounts, shes been pretty good. And the kids: YOU ARE THE DAD.

Process this. Don't blow up a good thing because she was once young and foolish. Has she stepped out on you? Nope! Has she betrayed you? Don't call this betrayal. Nope. So, she's been good and true. Yup. Isn't that saying something? The past is the past. This was before you were in her life. Don't you have a few skeletons that you'd like never to see the light of day?

 

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Ugh I just threw up in my mouth a little. How do you know any of these hypotheses you are posting? Pure conjecture. For all we know these aren't his kids and she's been stepping out every day. What is the past and what is the present? Who knows because she's lied every day for years. Wow


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Speaking only as a poster:

Both his AND your opinion are conjecture, as is mine, his, hers, and theirs. That means your opinion is exactly as speculative as his, and means just as much as all of ours: jack squat.

So why exactly do you see the need to not just disagree, but do so in a manner which asserts your position as somehow superior by demeaning his? That is pretty lousy.

One can disagree without being disagreeable.

 

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Hey, fj. Some believe the way to have the biggest house on the block, is to knock down all the others.

 

I hear anger in that poster. MEM says that when people are angry, it is usually due to fear or pain.

 

Divorce might actually be a healthier outcome for your wife, OP. Everyone would know why you divorced her, and she would surely be forced to confront whatever feelings, likely of shame, motivated her hiding of the truth from you.

I think her embracing her past could help her work on her self esteem issues and cure that doormat syndrome that really is not healthy for anyone. In that way she could develop the courage to be able to stand up to her next man and tell him the truth right away about her past, and let him walk if he is uncomfortable with it.

 

I never asked anyone about their past sex life. If they want to tell me, they will tell me. She is with me now and that is all that matters. I had an ex fiancee with no past as she was a virgin and a girlfriend with a very full past. They both cheated so it does not matter. I only asked m y wife about her past this year in our 44th year of marriage. She really did not want to say and did not want to hear mine. Maybe if I had known her past when I met her, we would never have married. I would have missed out on the best thing in my life. I had sex with 30 women, some in orgies, before I met my wife. I did not tell her and she did not ask. Our pasts do not matter; the future does.

 

Our pasts do not matter; the future does.

I couldn't disagree more. I had a girlfriend whose sexual history was indicative of a real psychosis. Had I known, I would not have invested a very tumultuous year with her. Our pasts shape us into the people we are today.

 

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If her family or the kids didn't know either, telling you, OP, way back then, would have been a bit bigger.
But I don't get the fact that she said she did tell other guys she was dating...and it scared them off.
So after all these years no one ever found out??


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If all of this stuff happened before marriage and her only crime was being dishonest about the kids fathers, then OP reaction is way over the top on this. She probably expected this reaction and that is why she lied. He should forgive her for things that happened, and the understandable lies, if he loved her. But he does not love her. She will be better off if he divorces her and gets his angry judgment out of her and the kids life. Hope he can find that perfect person who never made any mistakes.

 

This is nothing but blame shifting. HE is the victim of deceit, NOT her.

HE was entitled to decide what type of person he wanted to marry and with what kind of background, and his wife robbed him of that choice through fraud and deceit.
It's not just that they had different fathers---the WAY she went out to INTENTIONALLY get pregnant reflects a manipulative, self-centered personality.
It's his right not to get involved with that, and she hoodwinked him.

Don't soft peddle what she did and try to make him out like a monster for "judgement" who demands a "perfect" person. There's a big gap between a "perfect" and a sociopath.

You play that "if he loved her" game....but if SHE loved HIM she would have been up front all along. What about that? Who's really the one lacking in love here?
How does he know she really loves him after all, if she wouldn't tell him the truth? How does he know that he hasn't really just become a convenient answer to her problems? A meal ticket and an income source?
Because, after all, SHE is the one with the track record of manipulating men for her own purposes.

So maybe HE will be better off he divorces her and gets a manipulator out of his life.
It's his decision. And a decision he should be able to make WITHOUT the confusion of fraudulent dishonesty.

 

You need to calm down, but ignore all of the blame shifting and minimization of your feelings including loving your wife. Calm down, have a long talk and then settle things. This isn't about pride, it is about deception and don't let anyone emasculate and use logical fallacies to shift the argument. It is okay to be angry at this huge deception and it doesn't mean you want someone perfect.

Remember, perfection and honesty are not synonyms.

 

The truth shall set you free. This is also true of your wife. Now that the truth is out, she will have a heavy weight lifted from her. I am certain the lies have impacted her ability to be otherwise attain deep emotional intimacy. If you can work through this with her, you may find your marriage much better and more fulfilling. This is what I hope for both of you.

Given your descriptions of her in all other ways, I don't think you are dealing with a fundamentally dishonest or conniving wife. It sounds like she is one of those people who indeed has learned from her younger mistakes. If she proves to be otherwise, I'll be loudly banging the drum for you to divorce her. But I really believe you have every chance of turning this around.

I suggest you contact her eldest child and reassure him.

 

If she loved *herself,* she would have been upfront with him right away.

What healthy person would want to be married to someone who does not know and love who they really are?

 

A deceitful, narcissistic person could. And still love themselves.

Look at all the serial killers, etc. who have hidden things from their spouses. That's deceit. They lied because they were narcissistic.
I'm not calling the OP's wife a serial killer, I'm just pointing out the logical fallacy in your statement that her lying means she didn't love herself.
Lots of people who love themselves can be deceitful.

 

If it was me I would get a polygraph and would at least try since she has been a good wife since they were married. However if you realize that you have just lost all respect for her (which under the circumstances, meaning mostly the lying, is understandable) then it's probably better for both of you that you move on.

 

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I don't want my wife to be scared ****less that I'll walk out and become more of a doormat because of it. Right now, before this came out, she would do anything that I ask of her. I mean, anything. Whether she wanted to or not. She always said that she liked doing things for me but sometimes you have to wonder why.

I don't look at her the same way anymore and I don't know if that can be overcome. I don't like her and I don't respect her. I don't know if I can get that back or trust her when she says that is the only lie she has said. That isn't a small lie about breaking a toaster, it is a massive lie that she has sucked many people into. I am not the first man she has lied to and deceived.

When I look at her now or think about her, I don't think that she's my wife who I love. I think some pretty terrible things about her that I probably shouldn't post here. I definitely do not see her as the kind, caring, loving, sweet wife anymore.

If she had really grown and matured from that, would she not have come clean to me? Her family? The kids father's? The kids? Is she sorry that she did it, or sorry she got caught?

I tried to talk to her tonight and lasted about 10 minutes before I was done. If right now there is no part of me that wants to take her back, will there ever be? Right now, I care about our kids and that's it. They are the most important thing, all 6.

 

Just get a lawyer and start the D process. Tell your wife in basic terms what you're going to do so she's not blindsided. It'll take time and if during that time your mind changes, you can drop the process wherever it is.

But doing nothing but avoiding her is just going to make you seethe and resent her more, make your (younger) kids wonder when you're coming back, and honestly none of that is going to help anyone involved. Take the anger and channel it into action.

 

So here's what I think, but it is just a guess. Your wife had some serious dysfunction in her childhood of some sort. What it was doesn't really matter to you or me, but it did lead her to some very dysfunctional behavior as a teen and young adult. She made some really bad choices because she had a really broken template of what life and relationships are about.

Somehow she was able to recognize that her template or road map was seriously broken. This is what makes her not only unusual but also pretty amazing. I wouldn't say that about her if you had written she was messed up as a mom or wife.

She may still benefit from IC for whatever it was in her childhood, idk. That's a separate topic and really not something you should be concerned with at this time.

None of this excuses her for hiding it from you. It explains it. Academically we can understand how she came to the conclusion she should hide this mess from you and everyone else. I think it is good to try to understand the other person's thought processes.

Your wife probably doesn't quite understand how this has undermined your entire picture of everything. She probably doesn't understand how you are questioning everything, wondering what was ever real. Depending on what her childhood dysfunctions were, she may be unable to understand.

This is why you really need to be in MC immediately. You need a skilled professional to guide both of you through the crisis so that you can figure out where you're going.

 

The moral to this story is a lonely stinking "morel" sitting on the dark, dank side of some lonely hollow in West Virginia.

Sitting there, alone. Nobody in their right mind would ever consider picking it.

God, what a shame.

And as Humans are, Humans will be, naked, afraid....and so foolish...

God help us all, and the lady with six children.

 

Oh!

Happy Mother's Day.

Especially to this Mother....ugh, thrice.

 

Here is what you should think about OP.

For the past 10 Years your Wife was a good Girlfriend,Wife and Mother.

Right now she is scared and embarrassed about her past. She lived in constant fear of you finding the truth. Will my Husband leave me if he finds the truth,will he laugh... It was not easy for her belive it or not. She is going crazy right now because you left the House.

She did grow up and matured. She fought for her Family like a good Wife and Mother should. She finished her degree not because she wanted to brag about it,but because she wanted to have a better life for you,Kids and herself. Sure it took 10 Years but she done it. It was not easy with 6 Kids,Husband,Job,housework and what else but she done it. You should be proud of her. Tell her that. Tell her that every single week.

She almost never fights with you. Maybe she fears the truth will come out so she goes in the submissive mode or she truly belives you will do the right thing for the Family.

She speaks with respect about you to Family and Friends.
I can bet most of your Friends are jealous of your Life,right ?

Go back to your House. She is going crazy right now just like your Kids. Give her a nice card,buy some nice present and spend your day with your Family.
It is Mothers Day my Friend. She needs you there.

Talk with her and search for a good Therapist. Both of you need it. Your Marriage was/is still perfect.

Best wishes to you and your Family my Friend.

Stay strong.

 

I am torn on this. I agree with Thetruthhurts, Wolfman and a few others but am stunned that some here point the finger and Vandason. NONE of this is his fault !!!

Vandason, I get the fact that you are angry and you need counseling and need to chill out. I am not normally one who says to take your time to make decisions but in this case, I will.

You are going to be in severe financial pain for a long time if you divorce. If she was the perfect wife, then she still can be. Yes, she lied about her past and that is enormously troublesome. While I am not one who advocates staying for the kids, in this case, if you divorce, you will probably destroy the mother of your kids and yet destroy a woman who thinks you walk on water.

She didn't cheat on you that you know of I assume ? Then this is salvagable IMO but not without work.

You are screwed either way, divorce or staying but I think staying and trying to make it work will do less damage to you and your kids. if she had an affair, I would be the first one to say 'bolt'.

You are the victim here. Completely. However, don't become more of one by screwing yoursself by making a kneee jerk off the cuff reaction which impacts the lives of you and your family

 

Part of me wants to start the divorce process, and if I decide to stop it later than so be it. But I know I'm wanting to do that out of anger and because it will hurt and scare my wife. I want her to know the seriousness of this. That isn't the type of man that I am, a man who wants to hurt his wife. Yet, now I am. I know she is extremely upset and scared and I'm not doing anything about it. Today is Mother's Day and no part of me wants to see or contact her. The timing sucks but maybe that's part of the consequence.

I am tempted to speak to a lawyer, at the very least. I know I need to talk to a counsellor as well, come Monday I can figure that out. Maybe I'll realize I'm being a jackass, or that I really am done.

I can understanding hiding a past like that and wanting a father for her kids, but that is still manipulation. If she was only interested in me because she thought I'd make a good stand-in father then that's an issue to me. If she actually changed her irresponsible, conniving ways then yes I'm sure that took a lot of work.

I want to be able to say that she still seems like a conniving ***** and list all these terrible things that she has done directly to me over the years (excluding this). I can't. If she hadn't changed she probably wouldn't be able to hide the behaviour for so long. But there still comes the worry, are our youngest 3 even mine. Which I asked her, in a terrible way.

We were together for 2 years before we married. She was had an IUD and insisted on condoms as well, sometimes even pulling out with a condom (and her IUD). We didn't have any surprises or scares and she was more freaked out about it than I was. Getting pregnant after we married was a mutual decision and fully planned. She was nervous about getting pregnant and wasn't happy when she had the positive test, she was scared. I remember her saying that she wanted to do it right that time and wanted me to be supportive and involved in the pregnancy and afterwards.

If what my wife told me was the full truth... The 15 year olds father was the only one she was in a relationship with. They had an unplanned pregnancy and she miscarried. 3 months later she was pregnant, which was intentional. He wanted her to abort she wouldn't and he dumped her (around 16 weeks I think) and never looked back. The 12 and 13 year old's fathers were nothing more than FWB/hookups. One was around for a few months, the other only a couple times. She said they were not good men. She didn't think it was fair to go for child support because she got pregnant on purpose, and didn't want the father's involved. Used them as sperm donors, basically. Still, she decided to make them fathers she doesn't get to decide if they are worthy of being an active parent. Too late now. I want her to let me legally adopt them, divorce or not (done before divorce). She needs to tell me everything.

And yet, I feel ready to sign divorce papers and be done. Maybe I need to sit down and talk with her. Let her explain. Not today with all the kids home.

 

I think talking to both a lawyer and a counselor would be very good. Start calling when their offices open tomorrow.

Also, how about talking to a trusted friend or family member about the situation?

People we know in real life can often give personalized insight into our particular situations that people online simply would not be able to.

 

No advice. Just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that your world has been turned so completely upside down.