@vandason You have every right to be upset about this. This was a very BIG lie, and she's kept it going for a very long time. I don't blame you for being upset.

But... is this something that you want to end your marriage over? You say that otherwise, you've both been very happy and you've had a good marriage thus far.

If you can, try to take a step back and look at this from your wife's point of view. She probably lied because she was ashamed that her kids have different fathers. She was young, and had acted foolishly perhaps because she was in love, and put her faith in the wrong type of men. And she was embarrassed, and she didn't want you to know. Maybe she lied because she didn't think your relationship would go anywhere... and by the time things got serious, she thought it was too late to come clean.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I know you're shocked and angry, but don't throw away your marriage just yet. Tell her that you're having a hard time dealing with the fact that you've lied to her about this, and ask her to see an MC with you. You need to talk with her about this, and she needs a safe space to be able to do that. I can guarantee that she is terrified right now of what you will do. She's afraid that you're going to leave her, just like every other man has done.

Please, have some compassion and empathy for the woman you love, and see if the two of you can get through this with the help of a professional.

 

@vandason You have every right to be upset about this. This was a very BIG lie, and she's kept it going for a very long time. I don't blame you for being upset.

But... is this something that you want to end your marriage over? You say that otherwise, you've both been very happy and you've had a good marriage thus far.

If you can, try to take a step back and look at this from your wife's point of view. She probably lied because she was ashamed that her kids have different fathers. She was young, and had acted foolishly perhaps because she was in love, and put her faith in the wrong type of men. And she was embarrassed, and she didn't want you to know. Maybe she lied because she didn't think your relationship would go anywhere... and by the time things got serious, she thought it was too late to come clean.

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I know you're shocked and angry, but don't throw away your marriage just yet. Tell her that you're having a hard time dealing with the fact that you've lied to her about this, and ask her to see an MC with you. You need to talk with her about this, and she needs a safe space to be able to do that. I can guarantee that she is terrified right now of what you will do. She's afraid that you're going to leave her, just like every other man has done.

Please, have some compassion and empathy for the woman you love, and see if the two of you can get through this with the help of a professional.

Wow, FIP !

If and when, you ever would have stepped out of your Wonder Women outfit, I would have expected a hard charging Amazon to emerge. Ready to fight or to F...

Nope, a well toned and kind Mother Theresa sprung out.

Are you getting soft on us?

Kudos, Dear.

 

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Run. She lacks morals and character and intentionally got pregnant probably to trap guys. She trapped you by lying.

It seems like a long time but trust me it isn't. I'm >35 years into a relationship. You've just started

Get the f out.

If you want to date her after you D and start a NEW relationship based on truth, that's up to you. But this one is fubar and you're the sucker raising kids from some random dudes NSA f fest.


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This type of reply is why I avoid these forums anymore. I'm appalled at this.

TheTruthHurts, you may be a decent person, but to blurt out this type of advice after 24 minutes of the op is not just reckless it's dangerous.

I hope there is a disclaimer as we sign up here that warns new members this site is awash in non-professional advice givers none of who are qualified to tell others what they should do. And to read each contribution with a critical eye and consult advice from a professional or a trusted known friend before making any profound life decisions.

Good god.

 

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Do you think she's the same woman she was then?

Is that the woman you know today?

 

Yikes, I would be upset too.

BUT, if all else is well and your relationship is great and has been for this long, PLUS you have children in common with her, I would put it on the shelf and leave it there. It's ancient history now. In addition, it's not like you can't get a divorce later if she proves she is still a deceitful person.

She sounds like she could very well be a former immature person, that grew up and became a wonderful wife.

 

You and FIP have not been drinking wine with @jld, have you? And later, dipping your toes in her backyard heated pool?
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I am teasing you ladies.

This is TAM. We have to help some people manage reconciliation.

Dump Em all! is not a one-sized solution.

 

I don't know who I married. I don't know her. The foundation to our relationship is filled with lies. We've had hundreds of conversations that were filled with or based on lies. If she had told me the truth honestly I never would have married her. That is not the type of woman I want to be with. Unfortunately I have already gone down that hole. I married her and had kids with her, I will never be able to completely remove her from my life.

Tonight I am staying at a hotel and she is home with our kids. She has never been alone with all 6 overnight and is getting a taste of what she made for herself. It is probably where she was headed if I didn't come along.

Her reasoning for lying to me was because she had dated a little bit and the men had no interest in her at all once learning she had 3 kids from 3 men and she was judged by other people who knew. We met through work and she didn't want people in the workplace to know her history and judge it. People assume kids very close in age are from the same father, she didn't correct anyone. She didn't think we would ever get serious. I remember specifically asking her if her kids had the same father, on a date, she said yes. When things started getting serious she didn't want to lose it, then when things were very serious she didn't know how to bring it up that far in and didn't want to lose me because she didn't think anyone else would want her. So I can "get it", I guess, on some f'd up level, but that is no excuse.

Not only did she lie to me, but she is lying to her family and her kids. Her kids believe they are full siblings and share a father. One day that info may come out that they are half siblings if something medical comes up or they figure it out. They might want to meet "their" dad and he'll know damn well only one of those kids is his. Her family thinks they are from the same man and hold this huge grudge over a man who abandoned 1 child (still bad) not 3.

It's an ongoing lie. It will be impossible to forget. When I asked why she did it in the first place I didn't really get an answer from her.

I don't think people really change. How can she go from a woman who will have unprotected sex with anyone who comes her way, getting impregnated to a responsible, reasonable woman? She manipulated the situation to get what she wanted, someone to care for her kids since she chose men who wanted nothing more than a cum dumpster.

Yes, I'm very mad right now.

 

I'm not going to try and advice you on what to do about your marriage,there are wiser people than me on this forum who can help you.
What I will ask of you is to try and calm down,you have had a huge shock and you probably aren't thinking straight.Do not do or say something that you will regret later.Take a couple of days and just try and get your head straight.And please don't look for an answer in a bottle,you will only find problems there.
Two things that can't be changed here are
1. You have three children with this woman.
2. She can't change anything about her past life.
These are what you need to remember.

 

Here's one bit of advice... Don't, I say don't make any life changing decisions while your emotions are in control. You need a clear head for that. Your family needs that from you.

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@vandason I agree with the others - please make no decisions while your emotions are running high. You have every right to be angry and every right to your feelings. You should consider making any decsions with the aid of a good counselor. Yes - your wife has a lot of explaining to do but perhaps you two can sort through this. Either way make no decisions you might regret right now. I'm very sorry you find yourself in this position.

 

I apologize for my language. I have said some pretty bad things to my wife (including that) that I shouldn't have. You are right that I may regret that once (if) things calm down. Right now I'd love nothing more than to never go home. We do have kids together (that were probably created on her part to trap me once I found this out) and that makes it harder to leave. If we didn't have kids, I don't think I'd think twice. I don't want my kids to be subjected to her bringing man after man around and popping out kid after kid to milk the system.

I don't know how I am going to ever calm down from this. I loathe her.

 

Milk the system? What system did she milk for the first 3 children? It's not like she got child support.

 

Vandason: Right now your emotions are all over the place. Take a while to breathe and think.

All this proves is that she was young and foolish. I tend to think that a woman such as your wife tended to seek approval in men. The issue of entrapment is troubling, but also speaks to a significant amount of emotional immaturity, as do the lies. Whether or not you should divorce is up to you, I am not that wise. If it were me, I would tend to err toward seeing it as a forgiveable sin. She needs therapy, though. And you need to go with her, for support. Good or bad, you've made a life with her.

 

Brother I say leave her. You appear to have been irrevocably deceived, and unless you can make peace with it; will surely eat at you for the rest of your days. But you'd do well to remember this.......she most certainly will drag you through the courts for child support.

 

Yes, our kids heard some of what I said to her. Our neighbours heard more. That is a large reason I left for at least tonight. Our kids don't need to hear what I was saying to her and don't need to find out about her lies that way. She does need to tell her kids the truth. The two youngest, their father's didn't abandon them they have no idea the kids exist because my wife hid that info from their fathers. They need to know, but not in the way I was saying it. Right now I can't look at her without wanting to yell at her so staying away is better. My wife isn't a fighter, she'll just take whatever is thrown at her.

 

My wife isn't a fighter, she'll just take whatever is thrown at her.

And that probably explains a lot right there.

 

OP,
You are accurate in your assessment that by and large people cannot change however children can and very often do as they mature. The human brain continues to develop into the mid twenties at which point ones synaptic pathways are set for life. Your wife was still within that period during her "wild times" and it is quite reasonable to assume that she has matured beyond where she was then. It would be prudent to analyze her current behavior to ascertain if she has indeed matured.

What is she like now, how good of a mother is she, how responsible, how caring, how is she with the family finances and most importantly, this revelation aside, how has she behaved in the marriage? Is she honest, dedicated, trustworthy, sincere and open? If the answer is yes to all of these then she deserves to be judged on the person she is now rather than the child she was. The children have no choice but to accept her as she is their mother however you do have a choice. Her dishonesty may very well have stemmed from the fact that she was terrified of losing you. It was not the right thing to do but it is to some degree understandable.

Once the initial impact of her revelation subsides you will then be faced with a choice. DO you accept her past as that of an immature girl stumbling through relationships and accept your role as husband and assume the responsibility of parent to those children or do you divorce and co-parent only your children? It is a daunting role to assume but you seemed prepared prior to finding out this new information.

As to what people think I would place more emphasis on how this will affect those children, yours included, than I would others perception of her past character. If she has matured and has demonstrated that maturity in the marriage thus far then perhaps it is prudent to let the past be the past and to focus more on the future. I understand it is quite a lot to process and certainly no one would question you if you left but I suggest that you carefully weigh your options and consider the children and their future without you.

Their fathers abandoned them and you may be their last chance for a family. I do not mean to cause guilt I am just stating what could easily be fact. The only chance a woman with six children and her background may have is to find either an extraordinarily understanding man or to use subterfuge in the relationship as she did with you, which has not worked out too well. Were you happy before? Can you be happy again if she is indeed a different person? Only you can make that determination and I wish you strength and wisdom as you do. Good fortune.

After I posted there were more posts and the fact that only one father abandoned his child was given. It changes little, especially where the children are involved. It just further demonstrates her immaturity. Also, to loath someone is quite damning. It is understandable that hearing this has shaken you to your core but with time this will subside and order will replace chaos. Allow yourself to process, you have just been given a lot of data.

 

Yes she was a very very irresponsible person having sex with more than 20 men, especially with no protection. Its hard to see what she was thinking, why did she want 3 children with 3 different dads? Also there was the very high risk of Stds as well. She will be lucky if she escaped those completely. Also she didn't come clean and you had to find out yourself. Yes she did marry you under false pretenses, there is no doubt about that.

However, I think of the children, her three who are innocent in all this(and who BTW need to be told the truth as they may well find out later), and the three you have together. Thats a lot of young lives that will be devastated if you just pack up and leave. Aren't they worth at least trying for? With time and MC etc I am sure that this CAN be worked though. Of course you are angry, anyone would be, but given time you will calm down and be able to think more rationally. As a dad you have responsibilities and her first 3 children have already been messed up enough.

You may need to stay away from her for a few days/weeks till you feel calmer,but please see the children, even if you have to take them out to eat or something.

 

This would have been my answer.

Children are precious and are innocent players in this...this, circus.

Poop happens. Shake your head, chuckle under your breathe and get past this. What else can you do?

Life is great!

 

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You can ask for 100% custody of your biological kids - she had a handful so that may work. Depending on how old the others are you may want partial custody.

This is what I'd be doing ^

Look, you gotta get over the number of people she's had sex with, and the fact that she has 3 kids from 3 different dads. SFW? You said you wouldn't have married her if you knew that, and that's your right (which was taken away from you) - but at the end of the day, it shouldn't make her any less worthy of being loved (by the right man, which you admit that you would not have been). Anyway, it's a completely moot point, because it's not what this is about.

The real, and only, issue, IMO is that she lied to you about all of this. That's ****ing terrible, TBH. Not only that, but she never told the fathers of two of the kids that she was having their baby. That's awful, and divorce-worthy, IMO.

Look, us dudes need to get off this BS about women having "lots" of sex (or god forbid, getting pregnant) before marriage. We men have been doing this for eons - but we don't get pregnant, nor do we get reputations, so we get to walk away thinking we're just guys being guys. So don't make this about that.

What it IS about is that she did it all on purpose, and hid it from you. She did some dumb **** - which we're all entitled to, and most of us have done - but she didn't OWN it. And that's where this all went off the rails. You were duped, no doubt about it. I'd be out of there, too, honestly. But NOT because she did some stupid **** before I came along. Solely because she didn't own it, and lied to you (and many many others) about it all.

 

How timely that this thread shows up when we all have been discussing the very topic about disclosure of your past. :scratchhead:

 

Yes and this is why its so vital that we are honest about such massive issues.

 

@;

I don’t know where to go from here and this isn’t something I want to talk to friends or family about. Just admitting that is the type of woman I married is embarrassing. In it all I have to think about the kids, hers and ours. I am the only father any of them have known. We have 6 kids between 4 months to 15 years, anything that I do affects them. I don’t want to leave my kids with a bat**** crazy mother, who would probably turn around and get knocked up by a few more strangers.

You have been with her for 8 years. It seemed pretty stable from what I can read. Hasn't she matured? She is probably in a better position now than before.

She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Hopefully what she has gained in those 8 years with you has really benefited her and will let her have a more normal life.

You have an opportunity to make a difference in her life, the life of her first 3 kids and your 3 kids together. Keep in mind, we live life only once. I understand it hurts right now, but look at what you have now. Are you willing to throw it away just because your pride is hurt?

 

You have been with her for 8 years. It seemed pretty stable from what I can read. Hasn't she matured? She is probably in a better position now than before.

She deceived you and I think there are good reasons for it from reading your reaction. Hopefully what she has gained in those 8 years with you has really benefited her and will let her have a more normal life.

You have an opportunity to make a difference in her life, the life of her first 3 kids and your 3 kids together. Keep in mind, we live life only once. I understand it hurts right now, but look at what you have now. Are you willing to throw it away just because your pride is hurt?

Wow. Is that true, OP? Is this just about your pride?

 

OP how would you say your marriage has been? I do get that this is an incredible betrayal, but do you still love her?

 

Yesterday I was decluttering and found the box where my wife keeps our important documents such as passports, birth certificates, etc.

What she told me:
She had two teenage relationships from 12-16

Hi vandason,

This is a totally prosaic comment, but make sure really important documents are stored in a metal box or file cabinet; with a lock. The lock improves privacy and security--and the metal protects against fire. I just got the impression that your docs. were being stored in an old shoebox; hope I'm wrong.

Was your wife having intercourse at the age of 12? Yikes, I sure hope her 12-14 years boyfriends were nothing more than kissing and petting. I think intercourse before 15 is damaging; lots of folks will disagree with me, I'm sure. I think kids should be allowed to finish physical development, and focus on school and friendships and sports and hobbies; not the intense emotional after effects and physical responsibilities of having sexual intercourse.


I'm projecting my own experience with habitual liars here; so take that into consideration.

I wouldn't trust your wife as far as I could throw her. Hope I'm wrong. And you're not me, of course. I've had the experience with close family members of having dreadfully serious lies told to me about my own parentage; and then realize that everything told to me my whole life, was embellishment upon those initial lies.

So, I would NEVER trust someone like this.


God, do I feel bad for those kids. Especially the first 3 who don't have the faintest ****ing idea who their dad is. Unless you experience this void in your life folks, you can't understand the full impact it has on your sense of belonging and identity.

 

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Thank you for saying this. I'm really tired of people throwing out the "us men are all whoring around so we should stop having a double standard" bs. No - many of us weren't and chose not to associate (perhaps other than as friends) with those who did this.

I think it's time to do the opposite and not try to hide our values and judgements where it has to do with character.

I'm a pretty liberal minded guy and don't really care what anyone does in their own sphere - but don't try to drag me into your personal hedonism especially by lying about it.


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Agree 110%...everyone has their set of values and dealbreakers and if a person has not been promiscuous and wants a spouse who has lived by the same values there is NOTHING wrong with that and these people should not be vilified. We tend to harshly judge those who want a spouse who has had a similar sexual history to their own.

 

When I said milk the system I meant government money. She wasn't working much until she finished her degree. It took her 10 years to get a 5 year degree. She finished her degree the year we met. She was on student loans and bursaries at the time and was given a lot more than someone without children. A lot of her loans were forgiven. Compared to responsible people who don't receive the same handouts.

She has been a good wife. I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't. She comes off as almost a perfect wife. Of course we have some problems sometimes but overall we've been happy. She's kind of a doormat, whatever I say goes even though I want her to voice her opinion and do what she wants to. But, a good wife wouldn't lie about something like this. thought she was trustworthy but she has proved otherwise.

She is a lot better than I am at managing our schedule with 6 kids when they all have places to be. Our kids were planned, there were no surprises. She is fine with money, she isn't a big spender. The only things she buys are things for the kids (needed or not). We don't have financial problems. She has no male friends, almost never goes out with friends.

On the outside she comes off as a great mother. She is always doing things with the kids and fully engaged with them, she takes good care of them, she is far better at managing all the **** than I am, she rarely yells, she loves being a mother, our kids are good kids. But there is still the issue of, she is lying to her 3 about their parentage and history. A good mother wouldn't do that. A good mother wouldn't rip their father's away from them.

Usually I don't differentiate between her kids and our kids. I'm not super close with her two oldest, more with the youngest. All of them call me dad, though, and did that on their own. In the past we talked about me adopting her three. She basically said no because it would be too difficult to have their father removed from the birth certificates. Which was a massive lie because legally none of them have a father. She didn't want to come clean and in return didn't allow them to legally have a father.

None of their fathers have ever paid a cent of child support, seeing as they are not legally the fathers and 2/3 don't know they are fathers. She told me that she never tried to go for child support, for any of them. She says she knows who fathered each, though I'm not sure if I believe that. She said she didn't go for child support because she didn't think it was fair, and didn't think those men would be a good influence for the kids.

Our kids are worth trying, but I don't know if she is. I feel like it's rewarding her ****ty behaviour. Staying for the kids is never a good idea. The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was that I don't want to be married to her.

Fighting for full custody is something that I have been thinking about. The system is so broken that even with her history I doubt I'd get more than 50/50. Her kids are 12, 13, 15. Ours are 4, 1 and an infant. Legally I have no right to the older kids, they are old enough to make a decision - maybe.

I am going to take some time away from my wife. I don't know how long. I don't think she deserves to know how long. She did this to herself. I do want to talk to our kids (at least the oldest 4) and see them, I just don't want to see my wife at all.

I don't particularly care how many men she slept with - whatever. It's that she lied about it. I didn't ever ask her "number", but she still managed to lie. We'd have conversations about how she felt like she was inexperienced because she had only been with 3 men, only 1 as an adult. But she wasn't inexperienced, those conversations were a lie. All the times we tried different things in the bedroom and she acted inexperienced, probably a lie. She sold herself as a person who thought sex was special and shouldn't be handed out to anyone, lie. And yes, she was 12-13 the first time she had sex.

It's that she lied and was insanely irresponsible with human lives. That she intentionally got pregnant the first time because, in her words, she had a strong urge to have a baby after having an unplanned miscarriage. She lied to the man she was with and got knocked up. Then she sought out other men to have unprotected sex with and get pregnant two more times. Then didn't even bother to tell them she was pregnant. I would be pissed and hurt if I had a child out there that was taken from me and raised believing I wanted nothing to do with it. This has nothing to do with pride.

As pissed as I am at my wife, no I'm not going to ****ing beat her or whatever was implied by "jld". A man can be angry without laying a hand on his wife, or anyone else.

 

She has been a good wife. I wouldn't have married her if she wasn't. She comes off as almost a perfect wife. Of course we have some problems sometimes but overall we've been happy.
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On the outside she comes off as a great mother. She is always doing things with the kids and fully engaged with them, she takes good care of them, she is far better at managing all the **** than I am, she rarely yells, she loves being a mother, our kids are good kids. But there is still the issue of, she is lying to her 3 about their parentage and history. A good mother wouldn't do that. A good mother wouldn't rip their father's away from them.
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Our kids are worth trying, but I don't know if she is. I feel like it's rewarding her ****ty behaviour. Staying for the kids is never a good idea. The first thing I thought when I woke up this morning was that I don't want to be married to her.
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I am going to take some time away from my wife. I don't know how long. I don't think she deserves to know how long. She did this to herself. I do want to talk to our kids (at least the oldest 4) and see them, I just don't want to see my wife at all.

Vandason, sorry you're here with this mess.

I am very pro-marriage and pro-family. And, I've been in a somewhat similar but not as extreme a situation with being lied to about my ex-wife's past. One big difference is that mine was not a good wife in many ways, whereas you describe your wife as being completely satisfactory until you learned of her major lies about her past.

I think there is a good chance for you to come through this with a good, strong, marriage. But, it will take both of you working hard to get there. You can't just process this data yourself and somehow "get over it" to magically have a great marriage. To get to a good outcome you will need good marriage counseling, and she should get some individual counseling. I think you may benefit from a bit of IC along the way, too.

No doubt this is a betrayal, just like an affair is a betrayal. It needs to be processed as a betrayal for you to recover from it. She has to show remorse, she has to make amends, and she should ask for your forgiveness. You need to observe her being genuinely remorseful and working hard at figuring out why she did this (the lies and deceptions moreso than the promiscuity and intentionally getting pregnant while single). I suggest you both read the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. While this was not an affair, the basic principles still apply.

I think this is how you start the process. You cannot decide today or even next week whether to stay. It is a process. Over the span of several months you will get a calmer certainty on which way you want to go. There is no rush to decide one way or another.

When I discovered some of the lies about my ex-W's past, literally I felt as if there were no floor underneath me. The foundation of my belief system about her was completely destroyed. It takes time to come to grips with the new reality and to put it into perspective with the totality of the situation.

Having said all that, I would offer the following:

The longer you wait to divorce the worse it gets for you. Alimony especially, but also potentially college expenses, medical expenses, etc. The idea of waiting another 15 years until the kids are out of the house is a really bad strategy. If the marriage becomes unacceptable to you, eject then not years later.

Set a clear boundary with her about lies, deceptions, omissions, or other un-truths. The one I set was anything else I learned about from other than her would result in immediate divorce. I told her whatever was out there we could deal with as long as it was known to me. While there was no guarantee of not divorcing, I told her I wanted to be married to her and to work things out, so now was her chance to tell me anything and everything. Furthermore, any future lies or deceptions would also be grounds for immediate divorce. This was a carrot-stick approach.

Of course my wife continued with her paradigm of lies and deceptions about both old and new. This is a tricky thing for you, being aware but not paranoid of what your wife does in the future. Since you have no record of her committing deceptions during your marriage aside from concealing her past, I think you are on fairly safe ground. With time you will learn there are no more crazy lies or surprises out there. The book "After the Affair" deals with this in terms of Trickle Truth. The cheater, or in this case your untruthful wife, may try to ease the shock by not revealing all. Hopefully there is nothing more hidden still. As you experience her being honest with you going forward you will learn to be calm and to trust her again.

Good luck.

 

Glad to hear it, OP. When a person says he "loathes" his wife, especially after a big surprise like this one, I do worry about her safety with him.

How is your wife reacting to all this, btw?