[TDSC60]

Remember. None of this is your fault. Sure you had problems in your marriage, most couples do. But bringing in another person for sex is wrong. Your wife is now living two lives. One with a faithful husband who provides a home and support and another life of a single party girl.

Do not listen to any excuses or justifications she gives.

How can you act normal around her? That's a tough one. But do not have sex with her.

Get tested for STDs.

 

[Robert22205]

How long will it take to have her served?
When are you both home at the same time?

Protect yourself against a false claim of domestic abuse to get you out of the house.

Living with a cheater (and pretending you don't know) is one of the most difficult stages. Distance helps. Some BS faked being sick and slept in the spare bedroom.

I can't tell you how many of us BS were not able to live the lie. When the WS starts lying you may be overcome with anger and reveal that you know she's cheating. Carry a VAR in order to record the confrontation and/or subsequent conversations.

IMO you should prepare a plan B consisting of:
- what you plan to say
- what not to say
- how to exit (spare bedroom or a hotel room)

Stay on script. Show no emotion to her (no anger or sadness).

During the confrontation, Do Not:
- answer her questions
- respond to her excuses
- respond to "we're just friends"

If you're looking for something to say tweak this as needed:

I know that you are committing adultery with Meathead. While I accept 50% responsibility for marital issues, you are 100% responsible for your decision to commit adultery. You are free to date and have sex with anyone you like - however, not as my wife.
Therefore, I have initiated the paperwork to divorce you. Let me help you pack a bag and move in with Meathead.

[Her immediate response could be anything from collapsing on the floor and begging...to accepting the divorce but claiming "they're just friends"]

 

[Blondilocks]

The man is a butcher who is fooling around with a cop's wife. Is he nuts? That's so stupid; it's like bringing a knife to a gunfight.

 

[michzz]

One thing about the restaurant serving of the divorce paperwork.

Under no circumstances should you personally do this.

Two reasons.

1. It is not a legal serving of the papers, a third party has to do it.

2. A confrontation will harm your long-term interests no matter how satisfying it may be at the time. And, there is risk it goes badly. And why mess up everyone else's dinner in the restaurant?


In any event, divorce her!

Move on, get tested for STIs.

You got this better than most of us have.

 

[3Xnocharm]

I just wanted to say that you have some amazing friends, sir!

 

[nekonamida]

You have an amazing grasp on the situation and will be just fine when this is all over. You've got this!

 

[bandit.45]

I recommend you have her served by a third party. At the same time she is being served, send out a text message and maybe e-mails to her family and your family telling them that you are divorcing her for adultery and she is being served that day. You don't need to give them details. Just tell them you have hard physical evidence of her infidelity and that you can prove it.

This is called going nuclear. You strike first, informing all who care that you are not the one who is at fault for the marriage imploding. Because when they start blowing up her phone... all hell is going to break loose. Turn off your phone and just plan on being gone that day. Let the train wreck unfold while you stand to the side and watch. She will be angry, mortified, panicking, scared as hell and wondering where you are and watching her world collapse around her.

Let her drown in her own cauldron.

 

[Decorum]

.

 

[skerzoid]

Bellyscratch

So far so good. Remember whatever your thoughts are, SHOCK AND AWE ARE YOUR BEST TACTICS!

1. Try as hard as you can to hold off confrontation till she is served.

2. Contact friends and family at the same time she is served. Get conformation that the serving is happening before you contact them.

3. Post or email the news. I don't know if you facebook or other social media.

4. Do not answer the phone. Do not answer texts.

5. Have the locks changed on your house. It's your house.

6. Bag her stuff and put in storage. Send her a key and tell her you paid for a month.

7. If you can get out of town and ghost her for a few days, that would be great. However, she will probably show up at your office. Leave word that she is not allowed to come into the office if you can.

8. She will try to get in touch through friends. Let them know to stay out of it.

9. You eventually will have to have contact with her, but let her stew in her own juices for a while. This might be a problem if she's not wearing panties however.>

10. When you do speak with her, write up some notes beforehand with what you want to say. Have your proof but don't say how you got it. Emotions will run high, so its good to have your reactions to her reactions planned out in advance.

11. Be sure to keep her at arms length, so to speak, as much as possible.

12. Continue to act with courage, strength, and decisive action. Leave her with that memory of you, not one of a man begging her. Stay strong buddy. The people that do this with strength are the ones who came through this intact.

 

[Blondilocks]

I would caution you to check with your lawyer before locking her out of the house. It may be yours but it is still her legal residence and she has rights.

 

[mickybill]

In CA you need to have a third party, a deputy or process server, or service by mail.
In retrospect I kinda wish a LASD deputy had served her at the school but I sent her the papers along with a christmas card.

 

[Bellyscratch]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I truly mean this. I download the all responses, and my friends and I actually read and discuss the comments and which ones really apply to my situations. Some discussions become heated in how some of the cheating spouses treat some BS's. In my work I have seen some pretty terrible people, but some don't compare to how some of these spouses try to hurt, humiliate and throw away hurting husbands and wives without a concern in the world. Pathetic.

Anyway, I went home to today (two days earlier then she expected), and I have to admit she looked a little perplexed. So walk through the door and I try to act like all is copacetic with our marriage. Expecting a kiss and hug after so many weeks, I got a deer in the headlight look from her. No kiss, no hug just asking why I am home early. She then she says "...I have Thursday and Friday night all ready booked with friends because I thought you would be home on Saturday. Nope baby..."Daddy's home". So I go and unpack and take a shower so she would have time to call her POS, which she did. How do I know she called, because I read all the comments to record all conversations. I have to tell a secret, before I left I placed recorders throughout the house, with each device recording up to 50 to 60 hours before being full. Now in my State, you need two person consent. I will use these recordings as a foundation for the divorce, but if it goes to court I will destroy the tapes. So I pulled the recorder from the bedroom and heard all the conversation. And it goes like this:

Her: "Guess who came home tonight?"
Him: "You're kidding"
Her: "Nope, he came home early so I don't know how we can keep our appointments?"
Him: "We still can but we just have to be careful"
Her: "I am worried because he is very observant is good and getting people to confess in interviews"
Him: "I'm not worried, they way you talk about him he is clueless when it comes to you"
Her: "You're right, lets just keep our dates and I can just fool him."
Him: "I love you, baby. Soon we will be together to live the life we both want."
Her: "I love you too. I can't wait to get away from him, he just doesn't pay attention to me"

So this was fun to listen to. And to be honest, this interaction did not really surprise me. It made me hate this woman to the core of her existence, and then some. But when I listen to around 25% of the recordings, I have so much information against her that I don't need anymore. It seems that she has been cheating with this guy on different levels for the past several months but really kept it underground. I think their feelings grew over time where they have become more reveling in their openness, but still going to other towns to show how brave they are.

So after listening for a little bit and taking a shower, I hear her rattling the pots and pans in an attempt to make dinner. My wife may have some qualities, but her cooking was never nor will it ever be one of them. Now, I have always ate what she cooked and said how wonderful it was but OMG some food I could not even recognized. In addition, her saying I have not or never paid attention is total horse ****. I have doted on her since we have been married, such as trips CONUS and overseas, paid for her school and helped her study for exams and proof read her papers. I have established a great relationships with her family and play golf with her father and brothers two to three times per month. I feel I have done everything I could with her and her family and friends. But it doesn't matter, she wants to leave so she will come up with any excuse as long as it sticks to the wall.

So eating dinner was the both of us staring at each other like prize fighters before a fight. She was talking away about what she did over the past several weeks, and I just did not care. So I will play the game of holding my emotions back waiting for Jerry to file so she can be served this Friday. I don't know when it is going to go down, but it is going down. The only question that is unanswerable one of what she is going to do once served. Something to look forward to I guess.

That is my update and I am sure there will be fireworks in the future.

 

[Marc878]

Silence is golden. Never reveal your sources. I would inform the other mans wife after she's served.

Don't waste your time talking to her. Save yourself a waste of time and energy for nothing.

You don't need to convince her she's cheating. She knows that so there really is no need for discussion.

 

[Stormguy2018]

Great job BS! Can't wait to hear what happens after she gets served. They deserve each other.

You know this thing she has going on with her lover won't last, right? I give them two years max before one or the other (or both) cheat again and it's off to greener pastures.

 

[Spicy]

It’s going to be brutal listening to the rest of those recordings. Only one more day. Hang in there sweetheart. You got this.

 

[Robert22205]

Thank you for sharing in such detail (especially sharing your feelings while face to face).
Your posts will help serve as a road map for the next victim of infidelity.

She's using the old 'he doesn't pay attention to me' excuse to rewrite your marriage history and vilify you in order to justify her adultery.
BTW: You've not only been supportive as well as active in her life and her family. You also attended her softball games until she blocked you. So she's been actively shutting you out and setting you up so on the surface it appears you don't care about her.

IMO the OM is enjoying no strings sex with a married woman and has no long term interest in her. Why? among many reasons, because the OM knows she's has an A+ life partner that she's cheating on (so she's not trustworthy) .... plus they have no immediate plans for her to divorce you. The WW sounds like she enjoys the security and stability of being married to you (while enjoying her side romance).

Although you're probably trained to deal with stress, I think you need to prepare yourself for PTSD symptoms hitting you unexpectedly on and off (see a doctor sooner than later). among other things (and I understand you don't see this coming) you may experience 'pity' for your wife. Why? because there's a part of you that still thinks of yourself as her protector.

She's about to be exposed to her family etc as an adulterer as well as be dumped by the OM. Following confrontation, she may cry beg and/or days later threaten suicide.

I wish you well.

 

[TDSC60]

Is "Meat" married? If he is, then tell his wife that you are divorcing your wife and why. Offer her proof if she wants it.

Once Jerry confirms that she has been served, send messages to her family and your's. Telling them you have confirmed that your wife has been having an affair and you are now forced to divorce her. Tell them that you are letting her go to be with her new love because that is what she wants.

Oh - I would clear any weapons out of the house for the next few days. Have your partner keep them for you.

 

[Kamstel]

You are doing great. Continue to lean on your friends! Blow her little fantasy world up! Tell her family as soon as you know she has been served. Don’t let her rewrite the history of your marriage, which it seems like she is already trying to do.

Don’t let her know about the recorders! Just let her guess how you got all the information.

Stay strong and continue to move ahead!

 

[skerzoid]

So eating dinner was the both of us staring at each other like prize fighters before a fight. She was talking away about what she did over the past several weeks, and I just did not care. So I will play the game of holding my emotions back waiting for Jerry to file so she can be served this Friday. I don't know when it is going to go down, but it is going down. The only question that is unanswerable one of what she is going to do once served. Something to look forward to I guess.

1. She is a cake eater. She wants your stability and his ****. She is addicted to the thrill of cheating. She is afraid of you getting her to talk because, "I am worried because he is very observant is good and getting people to confess in interviews".

2. She doesn't want you gone yet. She wants to hide this so you must be looking forward to grilling her. What will you do if she confesses and begs for a "second Chance"?

3. if you are set on confrontation for the satisfaction of watching her squirm, have everything written down for the "interview". Figure out in advance your responses to her reaction. If she is cold and defiant. If she is pleading and crying. If she Denys the affair and says they were just friends. Try to work out all your responses in advance.

4. Do not let her know who or what your sources of intelligence are on her activities. Moving forward, do not let her know of any of the evidence that you have if you are going for divorce unless you want to prove to her family that she is in infidelity. You do not have to prove infidelity to anybody but if you want to then she will figure out that you are listening to her conversations and having her watched.

5. You could interview her when and if she comes home, then leave for a while to listen in on her calls to the meathead afterwards. Or you could ghost her for a while, then listen to the tapes again. You already have enough evidence for yourself.

6. The main thing is to stay strong, keep playing the game as you have been. You are handling this in epic fashion.

 

[Taxman]

Well played sir, well played.

So, when she is served on Saturday, please ensure that a VAR is running at all times. If possible have some cameras secreted in the house. You are a police officer, and you need to have a lot of evidence if she comes at you with false accusations. If your department has you use a body cam, by all means have that running.