Serial cheat ..... dump her.

She never was and never will be marriage material.

 

Hopefully you have no children. Make sure the evidence you have is kept safe and in multiple places.
I think you need to make sure you get your financial house in order and as soon as you get home, get your documents together and get to a lawyer.

She hasn't matured from when you were dating her way back when -- she will continue to cheat.
Make sure the POSOM wife/gf finds out about this, and expose this to all your friends/family -- if not, she will paint YOU as the bad guy in all this.

Very sorry you are going through this, and, as much as you can, enjoy your ride and forget about her.

 

Bud, living the life of a marriage warden is no life to live.

What are you trying to save here?

You appear to be on the 3rd go round of this broken record.

Inform meatheads wife if he's married, file for D.

If not you'll just get it again and again and again.

It all comes down to making a decision that you refuse the disrespect

 

No woman who is worth your love and commitment will continually betray you this way. And no healthy man wants to be his wife's warden for the rest of his life. She is a person who is autonomous and makes her own choices. So far she has chosen to repeatedly hurt the man she vowed to love. She has broken her vows more than once. You deserve better than this type of marriage and this type of woman. One time with true remorse can be worked through. When it happens again… the remorse wasn't real and she cannot be trusted.

 

The ride with her stops when you say it does.

Why have you allowed her toxicity to remain in your life?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

 

Ride off into her sunset, but if you do it is your sunrise.

You deserve better.

 

There should be no follow-up story.
She wrote the ending.

And, she dotted bloody the eyes, yours.





[THM]- The Typist I

 

I'm sorry you're in this mess.
Do you have kids?
Is the OM married?

Cheaters all share a certain personality profile: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lack empathy for their partner.
You deserve better.

STAY SAFE

 

I am a little confused.

Is it still yet another EA or has it gone physical? With you on a long trip away from her, I am betting it is more than an EA now - a lot more.

Time for you to pull the plug.

 

Anyway, everyone is geared up and ready to hit the road. I will fill in more at the next wi-fi location. I do need you guys as a sounding board to see if what I have done so far is good, bad or just wrong. Plus I think this will last for a while so future help will be thrown out to you guys as well.

To save you the time and your voice here's all the help you need :

File for divorce.

Have a safe trip.

 

I don't know if you exposed the first affair, but you definitely need to expose this one to family and friends.

 

Please tell me this story ends with you kicking her to the curb instead of you acting like a doormat...please tell me you don't have to turn in that man card...and for the record its a EA and PA nit just emotional.

 

The next ride you should take is to your house to
pack your stuff or help her pack.

Then ride down to the divorce lawyer and file.

Then scream goodbye !!

 

Guess we will find out more when you get wi-fi.

Hopefully there are no kids involved - that would mess things up.


If there are no kids, as mentioned above, I would be sorely tempted to do lots of electronic banking to secure funds and enjoy a lengthy road trip with no communication back home.

Good luck.

 

Tell the butcher he can have her in exchange for a couple of tomahawk ribeyes. If he refuses, offer him a couple of tomahawk ribeyes to take her for good.

 

There’s nothing to save, she’s a serial cheat. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

 

Your first mistake was staying with her after the first time.

Time to correct that mistake.

 

Do you have a thread over on advrider as well? If so, I want to follow both sides.

 

Bellyscratch, I'm confused. I'm unclear as to what advice you want. You already have a clear grasp of what's going on with your WW, so what would you like to know? You want permission to D? Is that it? Personally, I'd have been gone a long time ago!

 

sex-a-thon with meathead eh.

Dump her like yesterday's garbage. Before dumping expose as far and wide as your screams can muster. She deserves no less.

 

I think his options to keep her or ditch her are not there. He can either lead or follow getting out of the marriage but its over for her. She may be willing to temporarily hang around if he simple turns a blind eye to her seeing other guys. As far as exposing, I be happy to simply jettison this loose cargo before she can do even more damage. If our man Bellyscratch is motivated by believing he needs to help her experience her own pain as a consequence of her actions, expose tell the cows come home.

 

Update:

Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.

Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.

She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.

I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".

I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.

I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.

So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.

I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.

 

Update:

Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.

Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.

She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.

I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".

She is a serial cheater. Get the divorce started. "The usual time" means she has a standing dinner date with another. And mention of what she will not be wearing is an invitation. But you know all this.

I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.

I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.

So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.

Nostalgia. Thinking about what you thought were good times is common. The only problem is that is what you thought at the time before you found out she was cheating. Your marriage was not what you thought it was. Also you love the wife you thought you had and the marriage you thought you had. It was all a lie. She is not really that woman. She is someone else entirely. She has now shown you who and what she really is. Can you love a woman who chases after other men?

I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.

She will deny all at first. Do not be tempted to show her evidence. Just say "I know what you have been doing". As for reconciling - given her history can you ever trust her again? Will you life be better without the constant worry about what your wife is doing when you are not around? Who makes more money? Lots of cheaters go for false R because they do not want to give up the money their husband beings in.

 

Just a quick note, I am reading all your responses and I will respond as soon as I get off this bike and in a real home.:smile2:

 

It's a sexual affair so get out of your denial. This is her second rodeo. This will play over and over again.

File and free yourself. If not you'll get it again.

 

Ouch ... you are not the first person to walk this path. As dark as it seems it will get better (much better after you exit infidelity).
You are not alone.

You can't control her or the outcome. However, the most effective response is the same whether you ultimately choose to D or R. Zero tolerance for cheating and strong decisive action provides you with the highest probability of regaining control over/saving your marriage. Her pulling away from you is a sign that she's in limerence (google it) over this guy. Under the circumstances, being a better husband, crying or begging won't work. Instead it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to continue the affair.

It sounds like you're an attorney and per your training you're developing a rational plan (that's good). Although you sound like you're handling it well (nobody does). You're experiencing an emotional and physical trauma that will put you on a emotional roller coaster ride for a long long time. Time heals but in the interim you need to reach out for emotional support and guidance (friends, family, and IC).

See a doctor immediately, they can help you with sleeping and controlling anger/anxiety (and get tested for STDs).

DO NOT prematurely reveal that you know about the affair. Remaining silent and calm at this stage is very difficult (see a doctor). Developing a 'plan' will give you a sense of control and reduce (but not eliminate) anxiety.

When you and your attorney are ready, consider serving divorce papers at work on a Thursday (and you go dark and disappear for a 3 day weekend). I suggest distancing yourself for a few days to protect yourself from the drama and potential retaliation. When you return home carry a VAR on you to record all conversations (and to protect you from charges of domestic abuse).

Consult with your divorce attorney about simultaneously exposing the affair to friends, family, the OM's wife and the hospital where she works. Yes she and the OM will likely be fired, however health care workers can find another job (and depending on the state, spouse support determined on their earnings capability). Consult with your divorce attorney about the possible additional cost associated with exposure - and weight it against the satisfaction of standing up for yourself. My observation is that most betrayed spouses do not regret exposing the affair.

If you need more graphic/concrete evidence (perhaps for settlement reasons), hire a PI for a day or two to document their affair. Should be easy to follow them after a softball game.

To the extent possible (without tipping your hand), separate your financial accounts and change the beneficiary on your insurance.

Your wife will bad mouth you, blame you for the affair etc. IMO the best defense is to take control of the dialogue by preparing an informal statement in advance that you provide to friends and family when you expose her history of cheating.

 

Here's a few things I wish somebody had told me years ago.

1 - While you can accept 50% of the responsibility for marital issues - her decision to cheat is 100% her responsibility. All marriages and people have issues: ranging from being taken for granted/boredom/lack of romance ... sickness, job stress, depression ... and being attracted to someone else - the list is endless.
There are many coping mechanisms but your wife chose to cheat.

2 - Cheaters share similar personality characteristics to enable them to cheat: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking in empathy for their spouse. Her decision to cheat had nothing to do with you or her marriage - there was nothing you could do to prevent her affair. First she has to take 100% responsibility for her decision to cheat - and then she has to spend months/years figuring out why she choose to cheat vs other options. Since there are no kids, why not just divorce? There are lots of reasons - perhaps she liked the security of being married to you & the excitement of the OM.

3 - She's known you since high school (like a comfortable old shoe) and therefore you can't compete with the OM. He's not only a fantasy (she doesn't really know him) but his attention makes her feel 'special'. People protect themselves and their marriage from temptation with firm boundaries. She didn't and now she's addicted to getting attention from this POS.

4 - This is not the girl you married. Among other things, cheaters are good at justifying their infidelity and convincing themselves that they are the victim. She's had plenty of time to rewrite your marriage history (and you as husband) negatively in her head.

Don't expect her to confess when confronted with evidence. For example, she'll dismiss the recording as taken out of context or that they were just fantasizing etc. With respect to time alone with the OM, she'll insist there was no sex that they are just good friends and he offered her a shoulder to lean on (and she slept on the couch). Sometimes they refuse to confess because they are desperate to avoid public exposure, loss of their security blanket/marriage - plus they want to stay in contact with the OM (and stay married).

Save all evidence. Never disclose your sources (she'll just learn from it and cheat better the next tiime). Rather than disclose how you know she's cheating, bluff and say someone saw her them together etc.

5 - If you decide to R, it typically takes 2-5 years for you to recover (assuming she actively fixes herself).

6 - Read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass to help understand how her affair happened.

7- Whether you R or D, (in order for her to fully understand what she did to you) she should read (it's a very short read) : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald.

8 - And you may find this book helpful: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie