[swedish]

Gtarist62 ~ how are things going for you now?

 

[Gtarist62]

I filed for divorce. Will be finalized within the next 10 days, or so.
Sad ending, but a necessary one for all involved. Thanks to everyone who posted.

 

[swedish]

I commend you for putting your kids first through all of this and wish you the best going forward.

 

[onlylonelyone]

You can never lose putting your children first. What a great Dad.

 

[Gtarist62]

It's been tough. I feel like I failed my daughter. She deserves better than this, and it makes me sad to think she'll never know what it's like to have the two people who love her more than anything in the world in the same house together. I'm happy for my other two kids, because now they get to see me a lot more often, and I'm in a much better mood when I'm with them. But all in all, it's been the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'll be glad when it's finally over.

 

[onlylonelyone]

Gtarist62, I know it is really a sad situation. Believe me your daughter would have suffered far more being in a home where her other siblings were not welcome. I have quite a few step children, and they love their 1/2 sister just as much as each other. It would have hurt your daughter, and she may have felt to blame for a lot of things too. Just love them all, make sure they all spend time together and bond. It will be very gratifying to you. I am more sorry that your wife would want to take siblings away from her child. I definately worry if she has your childs best interest at heart. I just couldn't imagine being that kind of Mother. You really deserve a pat on the back. Don't ever question if you did the right thing, because you definately did. Just remember to keep all the kids strong, healthy, and lots of time together with you. They don't care who's mother is who's they just know they are family, and that is all that matters to them.

 

[mommieof3]

Hello, I have read quite a few posts. I can tell you that I am married to a man who has children with his first wife and although that B**** drives me nuts, I encourage my husband to visit with his children as often as they want to come. I can't see why your wife is being this way. For her to say that no woman would not want you is to bring you down. My ex used to tell me because I had three children with him that no other man would want me too. And I am married again and he accepts me and my children as his own. It can bring you down. Ask your wife to put herself in your shoes. If she had other children and you were dead set against her seeing them what would she do. A father's bond is or should be just as stong as a mothers. Yeah we pooped out the kids but that does not make us anymore attached to them fathers have rights too. I do not think that what your wife is doing is right. If you really love your children you will spend as much time with them as you can so that they feel that you love them too. You cant say in the long run of things that it will hurt, even if you divorce, in court for visitation rights what can she say.. He spent too much time with his kids so I left. That makes her sound controlling. Also you have three children not just one and even though they have different mothers they all should feel that they are your children and that you love them all the same. I wouldn't push my children away for anything. My children come first. They need love, your wife will have to take seconds to them. She is a big girl and can handle it or leave. She should want to get to know your children with your ex, I mean after all they are your daughters siblings as well and a part of you.

 

[zwilson50]

That is very sad that it ended the way it did. I feel that there are similarities between your situation and mine. I, however, see my son 3 days a week. Even though my wife complains, I deal with those because the time I am happiest is when it is my entire family together. Not just my wife and daughter. I hope that all is well in the future with your situation.

 

[heartache]

I have 2 step children and 2 of my own. When my husband and I got together his kids were mean and nasty, most of it a product of thier mother . I was funny looking, I ate to much I was this and that, these kids never got to know me, we were in same city. When we were moving due to my husbands new job his eldest son told me, " you don't know how happy my mom is that you and and my dad are leaving". I felt sorry for his son, instead of his ex being supportive she was nasty. He tried for several years to keep relationship open, they came one summer , and all his ex did was make it miserable for 6 weeks, she played every phone game she could, threating police on us, social services, etc. My step kids cried, were angry, and still I never got to know them, to much turmoil, my husband was the bad one, and all step mom's beat step children. My kids on the other hand had thier problems but were taught to keep thier minds open and voices heard, and problems were to be talked about.
My point is, don't live like I did/do still , at my choice ( believe me many times I wanted say forget you all ). When we lived in same city, there were many times as the new wife I felt if he spent time with his kids at her house that maybe things would change and I would lose him. I didn't care he chose to marry and love me, I was blinded by "what might happen". I'm not saying your wife is like this, but she may have inner feelings that your unware of, your only hearing the frustrated anger side which very well mean she's hiding her true feelings.
Who cares if you had sex had kids when one is feeling this way all that doesn't matter. Some of us feel alignated by certain things, and some don't.
I use to enjoy when we could get together with his kids so we could do things, movies, walks and even took all our kids camping together they had a blast! When evil words and rotten behaviors get involved by either present wife or past one, it ruins everything.
You are very responsible with your kids, most men aren't, be proud of yourself for that. Being reasonable you have your hands full, kids from 2 different woman, time lines are important for everyone, Your kids, and new family. Your kids are used to being with you alot and now you have another, instead of your two older children being left out, sit down with them and make some new times together instead of saying no. It's okay to be honest with your children and tell them, your doing your best to include them in your life now, and want to make sure you all get time with each other. Your present wife will either accept this or she won't, you dont' sound like a person that is letting her suffer either, but she does have to be reasonable, and as someone said on here, she knew you had kids, take it from me it's still not easy, but it's "what a person is willing to do to make things work"... My husband has paid the price for allowing his nasty ex wife all the control she had... Please don't let that happen to you, with your new wife. She'll have to come to terms your spreading yourself thin cuz you love everyone and doing your best.

 

[Sensitive]

I married a man with a daughter from a previous marriage. I knew from the beginning that he had that responsibility, but I always regret that he spends more time with her than our two sons. I hate it even more when he is especially nice to his ex-wife. The jealousy is a natural part of blended families. I really don't have any advice for you other than, hang in there, and spend your time with the people you love. It sounds like you love your kids equally, which is the way it ought to be.

 

[zwilson50]

I don't understand the jealousy over being nice to the ex. Doesn't it make things easier on all parties if they both act in civil manners. I thought that is the ideal situation. I don't understand why exes hating each other is preferred by new spouses. If that is what you need to your husband to do to validate his loyalty, then that is pathetic.

 

[Gtarist62]

My kids - especially my 10 year-old daughter - wanted so bad to be part of mine and my (now ex) wife's lives. My wife had a good, respectable job, was responsible, independent and had a good family. These are things they never saw in their mother (as much as they love her, she's kind of flakey).
My wife used to fall back on her lame excuse that I was "sneaky," and "a liar," because I used to have to do things like sneak my kids to the ice cream store when my wife was at work, and take all three kids to my parents' house so that my other kids could spend time with our 6 month-old daughter (she didn't want them around our daughter until she felt she was old enough to fight off germs, etc). My wife even suggested I get DNA tests done on my other kids because she didn't think they were both mine.
We're talking about our daughter's HALF BROTHER AND SISTER! How can you NOT want them to be around each other? How painful that must have been for my other kids to be left out like that and treated like outsiders. Every time I would go pick them up, my wife would make some lame excuse for not coming along and take our daughter over to her mother's house. When my wife and I split up, she refused to let me spend time alone with our daughter. She wouldn't let me take her to see my family for a couple of days in the Keys, etc. Her exact words were "You have your other two kids. Why don't you let me have our daughter?" After a cop told me that he couldn't force my wife to hand over our daughter, I had no choice but to file for divorce.

She tried every legal means necessary to take our daughter away, including lying in court and implying I was taking drugs, etc. The judge didn't buy it, and now I have shared parenting and shared responsibility of our daughter.

The only good thing that came out of all this was that my kids all get to spend time together every week, and they'll have a relationship. If it had been up to my wife, our daughter would have never even KNOWN about her half brother and sister, and she'd most likely be living out of state with her.

I loved my wife very much, but her refusal to accept my other kids as part of our family just ate away at us until I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I did what I had to do.

 

[zwilson50]

You made the correct decision. Sounds like your ex is very petty and is treating your daughter like a pawn. She needs both parents and your wife's immaturity is blinding her from making the correct decision.

 

[secondwife]

I agree with the writer who said your wife feels threatened. I am married to a man with three kids from his first marriage. They have been treated like royalty, the result is the eldest daughter took him for a heap of money, as did his ex wife. And I copped the abuse for it. He didn't express his feelings of anger, hurt etc to them, but it was taken out on me,even when I had supported him throught heaps of messes from his previous marriage. His kids can't do wrong, but I have been repeated judged and put down over ways I have mothered mine. He goes into this overprotective mood and obsessiveness with his kids and it is hard to watch. I, maybe like your new wife, feel second best. I will never have the closeness of children with him as he had with his ex, and his reference to HIS kids leaves me out so often. He plans outings with them when I am working or when I can't go, then gets angry with me when I am hurt about this. In turn this puts up a barrier about the kids. It's soo hard. I am tired of feeling used and second rate, and being pushed aside because he hasnt had logical tact dealing with this. I have always put him first when it comes to visits with my kids, always include him, and always ask him along. These (kids) by the way are 18, 19 and 14. And now that the 18 yr old and 14 year old are getting on with their own lives he pines for them and rings them every day. There were huge lies in the beginning to get me in, that also makes me feel even more used along with his treatment of judging my kids/vs/his kids.He doesn't seem to realise how much he hurts me and isolates me.
It is a responsibility of the new husband to help the second wife feel loved and secure, and seeing the ex frequently and putting the new wife second is certainly not the way to do it. Have a heart.
Ever thought maybe she deserves better?

 

[ula]

Hi secondwife,
I can truly and really feel for you....and I don't know if that's comforting as it was for me reading your feelings...I'm living something alike. My husband has 3 daughters and even though they are grown up they are so dependent of him and calling everyday and he's such a doting parent....and I feel excluded, isolated and plain jelous of having my man adoring other women even if they are his daughters....besides all the attentions and sweetness and energy they robbed me from him, is the amount of money they squeeze from him too....vacations, gifts, etc.....i feel left out and behind in all of that, and he has such a hard time understanding it...I'm suffering so so so much since we get into horrible arguments over this and I'm very explosive and actually say hurting things that later I regret and it just causes even more pain...
I don't know if is just that saying that misery loves company, the fact is knowing there is someone else out there feelings as I do helps me donot feel I'm just going crazy....hope it helps you too

 

[Mom6547]

Here is the dealio. Your wife needs an attitude adjustment and a giant leap in her maturity development. I would bet that if she thought of this outside whatever immature, jealous emotional turmoil that is going on in her brain stem, she would realize that she really would not want to be married to a man who would abandon his children. Who would?

So the choice before you is, is the marriage worth the effort? Drag her ass into counseling and find out. If she won't go, go yourself. Oft times an insecure partner will wind up going because of fear of what is being said behind their backs!

Good luck.

 

[Morales and character]

Hi I am a soon to be ex wife and I can't wait. I have a child outside of the marriage. We don't have problems with MY ex. My ex and I have respect for one another as well as our children and will not disrespect one another's marriage. I have never subjected my husband to that sort of ignorance. On the other hand I hate my husband and his baby's momma. I told my husband that I hated his children out of anger and frustration. Let me make myself clear" I Do Not Hate His Children." I hate the situation that he puts me in. I have stood around taking everyones crap for years, as a matter of fact I don't believe he was even aware I existed until I exploded today and put his ass out.

There are TWO (2) sides to every story. I have put up with his baby momma calling, texting, emailing porn, writing long hate letters and sending them to our home in the mail expressing how she hates me because he gives me money (?) as well as a host of other things that have absolutely nothing to do with the children at all.. She uses those kids as pawns to get what she wants and its disgusting.. He pays her child support his mom pays her rent IN FULL every month in addition to her receiving child support, her mom also pays her CELL phone bill every month, this lazy welfare recipient ***** never gets finish begging, and they never tire of running to her rescue.. she calls every week saying her lights are cut off.. I feel like this disrespectful ***** lives in of our household. His mom calls every other day saying how different men are sleeping on her couch in front of his children (?) .

Did I mention we never get to see the children? She wont allow him see nor speak with his children unless she needs to get something out of the deal.. I am so sick of seeing my husband soon to be EX running to her rescue. When it comes to her there are no boundaries..

Today he mailed her money to get her car fixed, and I just snapped. It has been building up for 7 years now.. People really shouldn't judge until you have been in a wife's place.. I see lots of post saying it's all about the kids, if that's the case don't ever get married until your children are adults, wives shouldn't be tortured, neglected, nor disrespected at the expense of a baby momma's happiness and comfort.. I want my husband out of my life so that I get with a man who knows how to set limitations for trifling attention seeking *****s like that.

I can only image what your poor wife must be going through. I'm also quite sure that the feeling is mutual for her! She probably wants to kick your ass to the curb! I really feel sorry for her. Your children WILL grow up and leave you to develop a family of their own, your children WILL put their family first " before you" as they should, and when they do, who will be there for your to grow old with, and spend the rest of your life with? once you have run every woman off by always putting her in second place.

No One wants to, or should be treated that way.. I know because I am a mother and would never put our children before my husband.. When our children become adults & marry I will be happy for them. I will tell my son to always put his wife first before their children, to come together as parents and raise those kids to respect others, to treat people like they want to be treated. After all is is the golden rule right?

 

[Morales and character]

I learnt the fact that nobody wants other people's children and less if the ex is still around. That is why they say that second marriages are less likely to last. There are just too many people in the picture getting on each other's nerves. My advice? If you love your kids so much, do everyone a favor and wait until they grow up before you get seriously involved with anyone.

:iagree:

:smthumbup: Amen

 

[Morales and character]

I agree with the writer who said your wife feels threatened. I am married to a man with three kids from his first marriage. They have been treated like royalty, the result is the eldest daughter took him for a heap of money, as did his ex wife. And I copped the abuse for it. He didn't express his feelings of anger, hurt etc to them, but it was taken out on me,even when I had supported him throught heaps of messes from his previous marriage. His kids can't do wrong, but I have been repeated judged and put down over ways I have mothered mine. He goes into this overprotective mood and obsessiveness with his kids and it is hard to watch. I, maybe like your new wife, feel second best. I will never have the closeness of children with him as he had with his ex, and his reference to HIS kids leaves me out so often. He plans outings with them when I am working or when I can't go, then gets angry with me when I am hurt about this. In turn this puts up a barrier about the kids. It's soo hard. I am tired of feeling used and second rate, and being pushed aside because he hasnt had logical tact dealing with this. I have always put him first when it comes to visits with my kids, always include him, and always ask him along. These (kids) by the way are 18, 19 and 14. And now that the 18 yr old and 14 year old are getting on with their own lives he pines for them and rings them every day. There were huge lies in the beginning to get me in, that also makes me feel even more used along with his treatment of judging my kids/vs/his kids.He doesn't seem to realise how much he hurts me and isolates me.
It is a responsibility of the new husband to help the second wife feel loved and secure, and seeing the ex frequently and putting the new wife second is certainly not the way to do it. Have a heart.
Ever thought maybe she deserves better?

:iagree:

 

[Morales and character]

The only good thing that came out of all this was that my kids all get to spend time together every week, and they'll have a relationship. If it had been up to my wife, our daughter would have never even KNOWN about her half brother and sister, and she'd most likely be living out of state with her.

I loved my wife very much, but her refusal to accept my other kids as part of our family just ate away at us until I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I did what I had to do.

Not trying to be sarcastic just trying to find out if being alone, not having your wife or any other woman in your life was worth placing your children above all? Do you feel that having your kids part time was worth your marriage?

I'm certainly happy you got what you wanted.. So how's the single life for you.. Will you enter into another serious relationship? How do you think your new wife will feel about always coming second since your children will always come 1st..