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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay, everybody -- this is a complicated one....

Ten years ago I had a baby girl with a woman I'd been dating for only two months (when she became pregnant). We couldn't get along, and frankly, I wasn't in love with her, so we never got married. A few year later, we had a booty call and she got pregnant again with my son (!). I tried to do the right thing and stay with her, but there was just no happiness there, and we were always bickering, so we split up. But I still picked my kids up every day from school and kept them all afternoon while she worked.
Just over three years ago, I met "Dolly." I really fell for her, but we occasionally bickered about how much time I was spending with my kids. I decided that it was in everyone's best interest for me to cut back a little on the amount of time I was spending with them, so I went to 3 afternoons a week.
Then, Dolly got pregnant. I decided to propose to her because even though we were fighting sometimes, I still loved her and thought it would be great to have a baby with someone I loved for a change. Over the past two years, her intolerance of my other kids has blossomed into pure contempt. Here's an example: My daughter calls to ask if I can take them for ice cream. My wife says "if you do it, they'll be calling you every day asking for it." One evening, my daughter asked me if I could bring her and my son some McDonalds because their mom was working and there was nothing to eat in the house. My wife (who was at work at the time) said "what are you -- a delivery man now?"
I've gone from seeing my kids 3 - 5 days a week to seeing them one day a week for about 3 -4 hours, and EVERY time they ask to see more of me, the answer from my wife is always "no."
Now, I know what you're thinking: Why does he ask her for permission? Why doesn't he just pick them up?
The problem is, I've been trying to walk a fine line between keeping them happy and avoiding a big fight with my wife. And trust me -- EVERY time I do anything extra with my kids, Dolly and I have a fight, with her saying things to me like:
"You want two families."
"You're always putting your kids and that ***** above me and your daughter."
It's been so bad, that my mother won't ask me about my other kids in front of my wife for fear that it will start a fight between us. Dolly always refers to my ex as "the ****," or "the *****," because she feels that my ex was trying to trap me into marrying her by getting pregnant twice (I never did).
I'm tired of seeing the look on my kids' faces when I tell them they can't go someplace with us. I'm tired of saying "no" when they ask me for ice cream. I've actually snuck over and picked them up for a few hours when my wife goes to work.
Believe me when I say, IF I DIDN'T HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS WOMAN, I'D HAVE KICKED HER ASS TO THE CURB YEARS AGO.
The problem is, I don't want my little girl to go through a broken marriage like my other two kids did. But I'm at my wits end over this, and have been feeling very depressed lately, I guess because I know it's inevitable that we will split up. Because I'm not going to abandon or neglect my kids for ANYONE. I'd rather be alone and get to see all three of my kids whenever I want than to stay with someone who treats me and my kids this way.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

Gt
 

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Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.

draconis
 

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Kids are smart and in the long run it's better that they come from a "broken marriage" then an unhappy/unhealthy one. They pick up on tension, arguments, feelings, and lack of closeness probably more then anyone realizes.

I don't have kids so I'm not an expert, but I remember from my own childhood that I loved to see my parents happy more then I loved to see them together. And, your youngest daughter probably would very much enjoy spending a lot of time with her bother and sister. There is no reason why the 3 of them should not be close.

Don't let anyone mistreat your children, ever. And I would tell my spouse straight up, I'm a package deal. If you love me, then you love my children. If you are not willing to make the effort to love my children, then you aren't making an effor to love me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.
She loves to tell me stories about other couples' dealing with kids and exes. Here's one of her faves:
"Other men who have kids and exes, when they get married and have a new baby, they move on. Their new family becomes the priority."
She acts as though she's got it so rough, dealing with my kids and my ex. It could be SO much worse for her. My ex (who would take me back in a heartbeat) and I get along fine (which drives my wife crazy) and my ex never calls to complain about how little time I spend with my kids. My kids call me 3 or 4 times a week, not every day as some kids do.
She says I'm "obsessed" with my kids. You can't be obsessed with your kids! I could understand if I still picked them up 5 days a week and called them every night at bedtime, etc. That would be a bit much.
I told her last night that I don't want to be with her anymore. She makes me feel like crap most of the time, and I'm tired of hurting my kids' feelings because of her. She said "good luck finding any woman who's tolerant of your situation. You've got three kids, you're 45, and you're not rich. Most women wouldn't want to put up with that."
I told her I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than alienate my kids and family (my wife doesn't get along with them either. It's a long story.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Your children come first no matter what, period. When you where in there life you were a great father. Think like this if your ex meets a man and goes steady and your kids get to know him better and he treats them better then you do (for fear of your wife) also they start to call him dad. The road you are travelling it is possible.

draconis

Also, for the record, I'm not afraid of my wife. I've just been trying to keep a bad situation from escalating. In the meantime, I've been hoping things would get better with time and she'd change. But it looks like she never will, and I'm too friggin' old to be wasting my life with someone like this.
 

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WOW- no offense but your wife sounds like a b****. I'm sorry. but your kids come first NO MATTER WHAT. Look at it this way, if you divorce her, have visitations with ALL THREE kids at the same time and WAM your three kids get along, you're trying to keep that together, you can spend as much time as possible with your kids, no nagging etc. Your daughter will sense the tension and it will be worse if you stay in this.

Oh and BTW, hypothetically, no matter HOW old you are, or how much money you have, if your a good man, kids or not there's someone who would be with you that you could truly love. Your wife is nuts if shes in that much denial...thats a CONTROL issue there!

My advice?? GET OUT while you are still young!!!
 
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For the record -- my wife has never mistreated or been mean to my kids. She just doesn't want them around. She acts like they're a couple of wet stray dogs she doesn't want in the house.
That right there sounds contradicting.

First things first....your kids are your priority. Youre wife needs to realize this. It sounds to me like she is jealous of your kids and is trying to control you and prevent you from seeing them! And sounds like she is sucessful! I dont know about you but my kids are my life, i love and cherish them no matter what and i would NEVER NEVER tolerate that behavior from my spouse.

My ex (my two oldest kid's dad) put his new girlfriend and his drug use before the kids for several years. my kids got continually pushed back. they called him less and less. they saw him less and less. the relationship between the ex and the kids was weakening due to his actions of putting others before them. I got married and the kids stuck to my husband. he considers them his own and they treat him like he is their real dad. my ex has accepted this cause he knows it was because of his actions. He has cleaned up since then and has visitation rights. but the kids relationship has been damaged because he pushed them away and saw them less and less, which is pretty much what you are doing. I would hate to see this happen to you since you sound like a caring father who seems to want to do the right thing.


Please reconsider what you are doing, I dont want this to happen to you.
 

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I'm sorry but..

Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids. What are you doing to show her otherwise? You could try being a bit more considerate of your wife's feelings about this. You should find that once she is more secure in her place, she will stop being so jealous of the time you spend with the others.

I also think you must cut ties with the first mother, who i am sure is a threat. After all you dumped her when she had your child, then went back to her years later and had another! Whats to stop you doing it again? I am not suggesting you will, but this is how your wife is seeing it.

When you are asked to take the kids for icecream, take all of them together.. and take your wife too.. then its a family outing with your wife as the matriarch figure. Kids are wonderful things, and your wife as a mother won't be able to resist cute little munchkins running about while you and she have a cappuchino or whatever. You appear to be cutting your wife out of your times with your other kids instead of including her... worth a try maybe?

Oh, and as for mother number one.. she's at work and two small kids are home alone with no food? wtf?? Over here it's illegal to leave children under 14 alone at home unsupervised by an adult..
 

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I do feel it for you, yourwife should be comforted in the fact that you love your kids and will stand by them (including the one you had with her). It's just sad, but does it make sense to have the kids in that kind of atmosphere all the time? Your other kids willl start to resent her if that has not started already.
 

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i think your wife should have known what she was getting herself into before she said i do. she already knew you had kids and if she decided to marry you knowing this then she is wrong.you should not ever put your children second or last to anyone or anything.past relationships with children should not be pushed away just because you found a new relationship. i wish you the best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Stav:

A) My baby daughter gets more attention than should be legal from me. She's my world. In my profession, I work very few hours, so I have a lot of free time, which I spend with her and my wife. My wife is the problem, not me.
B) I have cut ties with my ex, but as you probably realize, there are times when I will have to have an actual conversation with her regarding our kids. It's inescapable.
C) My wife doesn't see my kids as cute little munchkins. She sees them as a pair of wet, stray dogs that need to be kept out of the house. I wish it were otherwise, but she has no desire to be a matriarchal figure to them. When I've suggested taking my kids to get ice cream with us, my wife invariably says "if we take them once, they'll be asking to go with us every time."
D) My ex wasn't away at work. She works out of her house as an online customer service rep. My apologies for not mentioning that. She's actually a capable mother, doing the best she can with limited income.
Thanks for your response. It was good to see someone trying to understand my wife's position in all this. Everyone else thinks she's a *****. =)

Cheers
 

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Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?

Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once.

It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Well it sounds like your ex is the greatest woman/mother that ever lived and your wife is a useless jealous evil woman.. So tell me, why aren't you still with perfect ex?

Sorry, I am not intending to be rude, but this is YOUR wife. You chose her, and I presume you love her, or did once.

It's jealousy on her part, pure and simple, she sees your kids and mrs perfect ex as a threat, and this is down to insecurity. You are never going to work through that without professional help and a lot of hard work from you to break down those barriers. So the question is, are you prepared to fight to make it work?
"Mrs Perfect Ex?" Now you sound like my wife. No, if my ex was perfect (for me), we'd still be together. And I have been working hard to keep things together with my (almost) perfect wife. But the fact is, my ex is acting mature about the situation and my wife isn't. So there. Nyah, nyah, nyah.
 

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Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!

Again, I am saying that to me your wife sounds jealous, and is worried she is taking second place to your previous family. This is a sign of insecurity, and you will have to work hard to convince her that she is the number one in your life, but that you are not the kind to shirk your other responsibilities. What you then have to decide is whether you think she is worth putting so much effort into.
 

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Wow, Ok let me start by saying Im a step mother to a perfect teen age daughter that is almost 16 in other words (my daughter by heart) I may have hated her mother and now got along with her mother, but my god they are just kids.

Im sorry if this sounds mean but he77, Kick that B*(&% to to curb. Your kids are just that YOUR kids and she should support you. What would happen if the shoe was on the other foot, and she was number one mother of your child? and number 2 steped in saying no no no.

One more thing what advice would you give your kids if this was happing to them in their life. Would you say turn your back or ????????????

I don’t know about you but I would and never have told my husband No, when it comes to his daughter, no matter how much it hurt me,cause for one it’s not about ME. She(step-daughter) is a blessing and I chose to think of every minute I get to spend with her as god sent. Cause of her I almost did not have kids cause I was so happy with my life being a parental unit to her.

Wow I want to kick this gal in the head. I’m so heated right now ugggggggggggggg. All I know is that I love my step-daughter like she was my own and I would never want for anything to hurt her especial your DADDY.

I know I have not helped but I think you need to know These are your KIDS stick up for them, cause no one else is going to do it but you DADDY.

Sorry for this post but I feel very strongly about my kids no matter if they came from me or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks for the reply. Yeah, it's frustrating for me because I see how my wife is with our daughter, and I wish she could show 1/10th of that love to my other kids. I keep hoping she will warm to them a little. Maybe in time she will, but it's been four years now.
 

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Gtarist62- She will never warm up to them sorry, it is what it is. I would not stand for this for one minute. These are your blessings from above stick up for them. Sorry I just cant and wont get over the fact that she is so cold. It is not the kids fault that they were born hello and things are the way they are just be lucky as a woman that you found a wonderful man and he loves his kids. I know plenty of men out there that would turn a blind eye on there children if it did not work out with their mothers. She should feel blessed all the way around.
 

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Now you are just being silly, you asked for our input, you are getting it... you can't just have the bits you like!

Stav you sound like a very smart woman. You hit it right on the nose. I was in a similar situation and that is exactly how I felt. I didn't hate the other kids, they were cutie pies, but my husband soon to be ex would feel guilty about them and ignore my 1yr old when they were around. For example...He took all 3 kids out with him and I met them there and saw that while he was playing with his older kids my 11month old at the time was crawling around unsupervised and his back was turned to her.

There is always 2 sides to a story, gtarist62, you sound like a difficult man to get along with, and for the record women sense things. When you sneak around like taking your kids when she is at work instead of being honest it causes distrust. It's easier to get over an arguement then to gain trust again. She probably felt like you were hiding something.
 

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"Your wife doesn't hate your kids, she is feeling threatened by them. To her you are putting the first woman and her kids with you, ahead of her and the daughter you had together. It is natural protective instinct. She feels her daughter is not getting the love and attention you are giving to the other 'first' kids."

I AGREE fully!! I am married to the love of my life, and together we have a beautiful little girl.. Well my husband has a 3 yeard old son with a woman who he could not stand from the start, but because she was EASY he just stuck with it... In the beginning of our relationship this woman stalked us, called us, harassed us in every sense of the word... She would constantly tell me that I am nothing to her sin just a babysitter, and to stay away from him... Over time, that wore me down and I just stopped paying attention to him... Then when she found out I was pregnant, she actually called me and said " YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE, I HOPE YOUR BABY DIES".. Imagine what that did to me!! Then she would say "Well at least now youcan stop PRETENDING with mine"... So yeah, I was put through HELL for a while...

Well, now things have calmed down and everyone is civil... However my relationship with my step son has never returned to what it used to be... It doesnt help that my mother in law blatantly FAVORS him over MY daughter right there in front of me! And trust me I do not imagine this... Members of my husbands OWN family have confirmed that with me... It is just sooooo hard to WANT my stepson around! Also, in the Hispanic culture the FIRST born is ALWAYS treated differently, and I KNOW that... They all make it very clear that my stepson came FIRST!!

Sometimes I just wanna scream to all of them "MY HUSBAND DIDNT EVEN WANT THIS KID... HE HIMSELF KNOWS HE SHOULD NOT HAVE MESSED AROUND WITH THAT WOMAN AND JUST BECAUSE HE IS THE FIRST BORN TO YOU, HE IS NOT TO ME, AND I EXPECT MY DAUGHTER TO BE TREATED THE SAME!!!"

So believe me, she does not HATE your kids... But she probably DOES feel some resentment that they are not HERS with you!! Its never fun to deal with baby momma drama and kids from another relationship that just reminds her constantly that you have a past... Now granted she KNEW that when she met you... But it doesnt make it easier... Just be patient with her... And really be sure that when its you, her and YOUR child to give them extra attention and extra love... Because she might not be feeling that from you... She might be feeling that you dont love THIS child as much as your others because this one was not your FIRST... And this IS her first... If I remember correctly... So just make sure to remind her that THIS child was born out of LOVE... Unlike the first 2... And that might make her feel a little more assured that her and your daughter are just as much a priority as your other kids...
 
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