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My wife doesn't get along with my daughter, this is causing lots of drama

17K views 53 replies 16 participants last post by  onedge  
#1 ·
So here is the story, i have a 12 year daughter that lives with her mother who i hardly ever get along with after we broke up before my daughter was born. I married my wife about two years ago, she has three kids from a previous marriage who i get along very well with. At the very beginning my daughter started not listening to me or my wife and not getting along with her kids. Her mother i am sure brainwashes her toward us. My daughter's behavior have gotten worse and worse. Not taking my calls, saying she don't care about my wife. My wife try to reason with her and we even went to the other state she lives to talk to her and it blow up in our faces. Her mother started cursing my wife and that was it, ever since that my wife has been pissed and gets upset every time i call my daughter cause says she don't care about taking my calls so why i bother calling her. I try explaining to my wife that she is 12 and my daughter but to her there is no point reaching someone that don't want to be with us. I would love for them to get along better and my family to get better. I have a new daughter with my wife now and i am totally in love with that little one. Any advise would be great by you guys. It would hurt me very much to break up my marriage over my daughter that lives in another state and spends most of her time with her mother to whom i don't even speak to cause she is a moron.
 
#2 ·
Keep calling your 12 year old, and ask your wife politely to put her on the line. Send 'thinking of you' cards to your daughter. And mail her birthday, Easter and Christmas gifts.
Why would you break up your current marriage? What good would that do?
 
#3 ·
Tough situation. You and your wife both need to remember that your daughter is only 12 years old, and is possibly being manipulated by her mother. This isn't her fault. You MUST keep reaching out to her, no matter how many times she pushes you away...keep trying.

Also, remember that your wife is relatively new in her life - and if your ex is badmouthing her too, which it seems she is, given the way she cursed at her that time, the poor girl would be very confused.

You and your wife BOTH need to be understanding, and your wife needs to knock off her "don't call her" attitude...she doesn't have to talk to her if she doesn't want to but she shouldn't stop you trying to.
 
#4 ·
Try as best you can, as said above keep calling and keep sending cards and appropriate birthday/Christmas gifts. Your daughter will grow up and she will remember that you never gave up. The tables could turn once she is an adult and no longer under the influence of her mother.

Good luck.
 
#5 ·
Thank you so much guys for the great advise. It is a very stressful situation as i love my wife and my daughter. That is what i am trying to make my wife understand that my daughter is a kid. First thing my ex said to my daughter was that my stepdaughter is not her sister. That tells you everything about what kind of woman she is. I pray every single day that this situation gets better.
 
#6 ·
Please be firm with your wife that you expect your daughter to be treated with consideration and respect. Model this behavior.
 
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#9 ·
Your doing the right thing she is 12 and your daughter keep reaching out to her but don't try to force her into anything. In time she will come around. I went through something simular with my son who was raised by his dad and constant brain washing. He eventually got to an age he had his on eyes to see and his own way of thinking as he got older he knew I loved him because I kept showing him and never gave up. I was remarried at the time too with one step daughter that I treated like my own.
 
#10 ·
Curious...

How long between ending things with your daughter's mother and the time you became involved with your new wife?

How old was your daughter when you left her and her mother?

How old when you became involved again?

How long from the time you became involved to the time you married?

What is your parenting schedule?

How much time did your wife and daughter have to get to know each other before you married?

Does your wife find herself trying to be your daughter's a.) mother? b.) step-mother? c.) friend?

The answers to these questions may be telling to your situation.
 
#11 ·
The time with the mother of my daughter was when i was young and stupid like they said. It was a fling and we broke up before she was born. I was 25 back then. I married my wife after one year of dating but i knew her for three years before. My wife used to take my daughter everywhere with her kids before all the drama started. We had an big argument last night cause my daughter call me late at night. We have a new born now and we try to put her to sleep as much as we can at night. So guess what my ex did, she called my cell at 3am i guess to bother. My wife is livid, i have been calling my daughter but no answer.
 
#12 ·
It just keeps getting worse, my wife says she's done. That she will never get along with my daughter and is best for us to separate. I'm trying to convince her but nothing works. My daughter doesn't call me and my wife says why I even bother looking for her if she don't care about me. I don't even know what else to do.
 
#13 ·
Please try to get your wife not to leave. This is EXACTLY what your ex-wife and, by manipulation, your daughter want.

Think about this long-term. Your daughter, when she is older, will probably feel guilty for the break up.

You need a new plan. Change the phone number and block your ex-wife's calls so she cannot disrupt the family in the middle of the night. Is their anyway you can bypass the ex-wife in order to communicate with your daughter?
 
#14 ·
Also, what about the newborn baby?? Your wife is probably at the end of her rope, between the hostility and stress from your ex-wife and the fatigue of the new baby. This should be a happy time in her life, and she has to deal with this mess.

Try to shield her and calm her down. It would be such a shame to break up the new family you form with your wife and new baby.
 
#16 · (Edited)
I have 2 friends who were / are second wives for their husbands...... hence, they have had to deal with the fallout from the first wife's wrath even though their relationships started well after the divorce.

Both of them are unapologetic about the fact that their husbands have very little ties to their children because they caused so many problems.

One friend said that her husband made the mistake of continuing visitation with his 14 yo daughter with the wife before he met my friend. The ex wife already had boyfriends of her own. Out of respect to his new partner, he chose to continue visitation with his daughter without the ex wife. But the daughter declined the visitation accusing her father of betraying her mother / his ex wife.

So I guess, what, ex husbands are not allowed to have a life after divorce with kids?

Continuing a relationship with an errant child seems to bolster the idea that if one causes a big enough tantrum they will get what they want. Remember there are a lot fo children from "in tact" families who suffer from isolation and alienation. Because it's not obvious from the outside, I guess no one can care.

Divorce has become a major part of society. We have child support and visitation, children must learn also from a young age that throwing tantrums are not an effective way to solve a problem.
 
#19 ·
Fix his marriage and continue to try to contact his daughter, through calls, letters, texts, whatever. Be the bigger person and show integrity, morals, calmness, and inner peace. Stop letting women walk all over him and set boundaries for BOTH women. Never stop showing his daughter that he loves and wants her; she may not come around now or even in the next few years if her mom's being that manipulative, but she still wants her dad; eventually - IF he continues to try to be in her life - she will see the truth of her situation and be grateful that her dad never gave up on her.
 
#20 ·
OP, I'm so sorry to hear this, this is really terrible :(

I honestly am in shock at your wife's attitude...she's a mother herself...surely she understands why you keep trying to reach out to your daughter??? And now she wants to put 3 children through another divorce??? What????

I feel so sad for you...I don't know what to say...
 
#21 ·
Thanks so much guys for all the great advice, love this site. Well I'm taking it day by day cause is a though situation for sure. Our newborn baby girl is doing great and it would kill me being away from her if my wife decides to finish our marriage. My wife says she just wants the respect she deserves and i understand that knowing I let my ex disrespect my wife and me before. I'm working on rebuilding our marriage with baby steps and staying positive with God ahead. I won't abandon my older daughter and will continue to look for her. I also will say this, us fathers need to discipline our kids and not fall for any gilt trips cause in the long term is for their own good and us.
 
#40 ·
My wife says she just wants the respect she deserves and i understand that knowing I let my ex disrespect my wife and me before. I'm working on rebuilding our marriage with baby steps
What you REALLY need is to learn to be an alpha male and stop letting women run your life.

Do you understand that women leave men when they stop respecting them?

Have you read NMMNG yet?
 
#23 ·
I feel for you friend. I went through something similar that your dealing with and the outcome, well I'll keep that to myself. I have two daughters too. One from wife #1 and wife #2 and it's like your being torn in half.

If anything, you should sit down with your daughter and ask her just exactly what her problem is. Let her know that your new wife hasn't treated her bad and is trying but you have to let your kid know that misbehaving, bad mouthing and bad manners is unacceptable. If she gets mad, then so be it but your the parent and she's the kid. One of you have to be in charge and that's you. You can do this without berating or being angry at your daughter but she need to know that bad manners is not going to be put up with. THEN, you give her the chance to hear what she has to say. It's the fair thing and you just might find out why she's acting out.

As far as your ex goes. I had the same problem and finally told her to shove her attitude and big mouth sideways and mind her own business.
 
#24 · (Edited)
The problems lay with your ex, your new wife and mostly you. You because you are not getting help in dealing with this complex situation and you are not providing firm leadership in your family. Your daughter is fine, she is acting like a preteen.

Your wife would be devastated if you D her along with your new daughter, right? Your 12 yr-old child is as much entitled to a father as your new daughter. Please don't give up on her when she needs you most.

The 3 AM call. Babies don't wake up when a cell phone buzzes. 12 yr-old's can cause trouble but it can be minimized with firm control by adults, right?

The mature thing to have done was to take the call, make it short and don't rise to the bait. Your wife, as your loving partner, should be helping you deal with this not impeding you. Your situation is complex and difficult. You cannot be expected to handle this without cooperation from your spouse and help from family and family therapy.

You have baby mama drama, new wife drama, a new daughter, 3 step-children and a preteen daughter in another state. Get help form a third party, make it easier on yourself. Don't go it alone. Do you have a pastor?
 
#25 ·
That's nice, there's a problem, and your wife now doesn't care about your daughter. That's simply wrong. The child is having a hard time, is confused, and that's all the more important for you to continue to have a role in her life. A child needs a mother and a father even if they do not live together.
 
#28 ·
Jay Have you read any books explaining the dynamics of what is going on and suggesting some approaches?

Knowledge is power and may at lest help you to understand what is going on from each persons point of view.

It's easy for casual readers to say that your wife and ExW are unreasonable but they don't see it that way.

Its also easy to blame you as I did above but in thinking ablaut it, you are not the blame.

It's the confluence of factors that were difficult to anticipate. Dealing with a difficult preteen is a very difficult when it's a single problem.

Do you think continuing to posting on this site helps?
 
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#29 ·
Thank you Catherine. Books on this topic i haven't get the chance to look yet but i will. Every case is different. In my case the biggest issue for me is that my ex have for the most part never gotten along with me after the break up. My mother says that the way she acts is like she has never gotten over me or is still holding a grudge. I have family members not speaking to me cause of this issue. My own brother said to me that my wife is just that my wife and that my daughter is the one i should be siding with. Is just not that easy when you are married and i believe in marriage and God. I do think posting on this site helps as i see the opinion of different people positive or negative. My wife thank God surprised me yesterday and started talking to me that she really don't want us to break up and that she just gets upset when she sees people not appreciating what i do for them. Hopefully this is the start of good things to come.
 
#30 ·
"she just gets upset when she sees people not appreciating what i do for them."

This is good Jay. She loves and respects you and want's your family to respect you. Sounds like you need to set firm boundaries with your ex. If you don't know what they are look it up.

May I make some suggestions for your consideration?

Perhaps taking control of problem-solving if you have not done so already. Don't wait for your wife to tell you what to do. Let her know what you are doing without asking permission and follow through. It would help your wife to have confidence in your ability to get through this.

Her confidence in you will make her less anxious and more cooperative. Since she has just had the baby, she probably feels very vulnerable and sensitive right now. You taking charge will be an enormous weight off her back, even if you did not put it there.

My husband and try to take the team approach to life. We try because it is not easy. Our rules are to have each others backs, and never betray each other.
 
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#32 ·
Yes you can Catherine and that is a great one. I need to be more firm with my daughter and my ex. People can only do to you what you allowed from them. That is great what you and your husband are doing dealing with everything as a team. Life is not easy and we sure know marriage is not easy, it takes hard work from both sides into becoming one. We will get through this together as a team.
 
#34 ·
It's a fantastic book, and I guarantee you and your wife will regularly put it down, look at each other and say "oh my god" out loud, lol.

We had a similar problem with my husbands ex wife trying to alienate his daughter from him. I kept saying to him that he needed to do something but he kept thinking it'd be ok on it's own.

I got the book, read it and then read examples from book to him out loud, followed by a similar example of either his ex wife or his daughter...his jaw dropped.

I booked an urgent appointment with a counsellor who met with us, was concerned enough to call the mother in and then called us all in to meet with her.

The situation is now repaired...you and your wife can get there too, but you've GOT to pull together and be a united front.

Best of luck and we'll all be here to support you :)
 
#36 ·
I am so glad to hear Jay. I have a framed printout our family mission and core values hung in our bedroom as a constant reminder. My husband and I decided on them.

When one or both of us forgets or we are having a challenging time, I read them over. It's steadies me and gives me the focus to stay the course.

I wish you and your lovely family God's blessings.
 
#37 ·
I love this, Catherine!

I want dh and me to reread Seven Habits of Highly Effective People together, do all the exercises, and discuss them. I think it would just be a wonderful growth opportunity.

Again, just beautiful. What a wonderful example you are to all of us!:)
 
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