[guy74]

I've experienced this as well and first I was unsure but I slowly let go of my fear to give into her sexual needs. My advice is premised with the fact that between you two, there is no wrong or right.
Enjoy your time and feed her desires between you two.
Good luck.

 

[MattMatt]

Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.

I see where you are coming from . However we come from the perspective of people who neither like giving or receiving pain.

I have a colleague who likes to be spanked by her husband. Apparently it took him some time get into the idea.

I once dated a woman who demanded that I bit her breasts so that I would hurt her and mark them with bruises and bite marks.

I did it but it freaked me out so much that the relationship did not progress.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[JamesTKirk]

David,

Sorry but I kind of skimmed through a lot of this so forgive me if I missed it already. One possible solution to any reluctance to follow through on the punishment or "going too far" is to make sure you have a well established safe word or safe phrase. Unless you hear the safe word/phrase, then no means yes, stop means go, etc. etc. It allows you to carry out your punishment without fear of really hurting her.

I guess this all goes without saying so I'm sure I'm not telling you something you don't already know. It was just the first thing that came to mind after reading your posts.

It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going. My wife likes to be spanked too, but so far I've never taken it to discipline or (much) pain. It's still mostly fun "You're a dirty girl" or "You've been a very bad girl" kind of thing. Then she likes me to follow up and be dominant with her when I have sex, even a little bit rough (non-painful hair pulling, and stuff.)
I guess I should explore whether or not she wants to take it further. So far I haven't. Maybe she's afraid I won't want to. But she knows I'm a bit of a pervert so I don't know why she would think that. Still it took me almost 15 years to discover how much she liked to be dominated so I have a lot to learn.

 

[Shoto1984]

Great thread and great insight by GettingIt. Thank you for sharing some of your evolution. I think there's a book in there (hint) I won't add anything other than to say Dom or sub, top or bottom we all start not really knowing anything and the learning is a journey. Many (most?) who have this in them are too repressed to open up and explore. The OP is lucky to have a relationship where there is trust and communication that allows for such growth.

 

[GettingIt_2]

I'm a spanko and pretty open about it, but GettingIt has such a gift for putting all of it into words that I found myself nodding and sometimes laughing (quote: "and sometimes when I needed one I was so consumed my anxiety that manifested in anger and irritation at him that I was SURE that *I* wasn't the one who needed the spanking" <-- :rofl at her posts all the way through this thread, and I have almost nothing helpful to add.

I can't speak for others, but I think there were two main reasons why the love of spanking got so wrapped up in the idea of "punishment" for me. The interest started when I was very young, and at that age, I had no experience with spankings that weren't for punishment. So, naturally, regardless of what the real draw to the activity is (in my case, giving up control and feeling vulnerable), the two got entangled. Being punished by an authority figure was the only realistic scenario my burgeoning spanko mind could come up with to make what I desired possible, so it played a role in pretty much every spanking fantasy I had for years until even I believed it might be what I really wanted.

Also, As I grew older and entered relationships with (mostly) vanilla partners and struggled with the unmet need, calling it and presenting it as a punishment dynamic felt like the only way to sort of justify it, not only to myself but to them, as well. I didn't fully understand what I was really looking for, and on some level, did not sense that they would understand or be on board with what I was really looking for. For differing periods of time, I had domestic discipline-only dynamics with two different partners, and it did help to abate my yearning for real power exchange, but it never felt real to me...always a little empty and not wholly fulfilling because the craving for physical discipline was only a symptom of a much greater need for me. It was like eating veggie bacon when you're craving real bacon.

Also, the discipline didn't work. At all lol. It was like taking one cog out of a machine and expecting the cog to work on its own. This led to serious frustration for said partners and for myself.

Punishment still has a place in my current relationship, but it's very rarely physical. We think of "discipline" a little differently than "punishment"...i.e. spanking can be discipline without being punishment, but that's just us and it's not universal or anything. I still love funishments, but though the roleplaying of them can be quite realistic for us to the point where an outside observer wouldn't be able to distinguish between real and roleplay, we always know the difference. The line is a lot greyer on that side of it is all. A non-punishment spanking can be painful and look like discipline but not be for something I've done wrong...it may be erotic or for stress relief or, more commonly, to simply reinforce my submissive role and his Dominant role in order to keep us connected on that level. Being physically controlled and surrendering to that control (and yes, sometimes pain) is a powerful drug with all sorts of positive benefits for me, and if I'm feeling disconnected or "off" emotionally, I will even ask for it at times.

I guess I had more to add than I thought. I hope something in it is helpful. OP, I guess my advice is to keep up the good communication with your wife and keep frequently reevaluating what you're doing and why. I wouldn't be surprised if her self-awareness grows as y'all do this and she becomes aware of new motivations and needs regarding it. Just make sure she's encouraged to bring those to you and reassure her that you won't think she's abnormal for them, even if you can't personally relate to what she says. I have a feeling you're gonna be just fine in that regard, considering you were conscientious enough to seek advice already, so early in the process.

My only other bit of advice is to try to not get frustrated if you notice her "bratting" to try to earn "punishment". If this happens often after the first couple of months, and you've been consistently responding during that time (not promising discipline and not following through), you may want to reevaluate and give her some decoy rules she can break to signal that she's really needing spanking...ones you don't actually care that much about lol. She needs to be able to ask without asking (at least for right now).

I feel every last word of this. Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd find another spanko on TAM. It's like discovering a long lost sister LOL!

 

[Fozzy]

Personally I would not focus too much on labels. Oftentimes when people begin to do this they chose a label and then without even realizing it, they stay within the confines of that label, creating a box if you will, that they never venture out of.

So true. Labels are just a path to stuffing yourself into someone ELSE's box.




That sounds dirty.

 

[cmc]

lol We are everywhere. Way more common than I realized when I was younger and thinking I was the only one in the world. I'd bet there are quite a few here on TAM who just aren't as open about it.

I would have to consider myself a spanko too. I think most sexual desires that people think are uncommon are not as uncommon as people think.

 

[GettingIt_2]

I would have to consider myself a spanko too. I think most sexual desires that people think are uncommon are not as uncommon as people think.

I think spanking is probably more common as an erotic act than not, for sure.

Some of us also use it as a non-sexual tool to manipulate our mental state.

Either way, I think it's a much misunderstood, er, "need."

 

[Voltaire2013]

I'll plus one to the spankees/spankers. My wife comes from a churchy background as well, so much so she used to say 'g0d Bless it' instead if goddamnit. (I found that endearing actually)


After a bad sexless period and coming to here and learing a lot we started connecting in ways we hadn't before. I became more attentive and lost my 'I'm here, I'm hard' attitude to sex. I became a little more dominant, and though everyone here can talk about how communication is the key, she could not open up about what she liked in bed. I tried asking directly, hinting at things and was getting nowhere. Honestly it frustrated the hell outta me.

But as part of my building her desire during the day I googled 'erotic Tumblr' for some classy smut, and a funny thing happened. I noticed she had a theme with the pictures she was sending back. A lot of spanking/blindfold/masks etc. Being bent all my life I was ready to max my CC at JTs Stockroom but it's a slow build. The pictures helped her communicate in a way she couldn't otherwise and it's been an eye opener for me.

Part of me getting right with the marriage was taking more of a leadership role, I had been rather laissez faire about it really, and I think besides being more of a leader in the home, she had wanting the same for the bedroom as well.

For the most part I've been finding out her dirty little desires by trial and error. I know she loves the spankings, but we're not talking about welt inducing, just firm smacks. Little by little I'm getting to know more. Because we are more 'in tune' with each other it's easier to figure out when to go deeper and when to back off. Just a change in her breathing tells me yes or no.

I won't lie, it was not something I'd ever think we'd be doing, I just didn't see this as a thing she'd like. It took some time for me to just start taking over. That being said, we are equals, I would never consider her beneath me or less important because of what we do in the bedroom.

I'm glad this came up here, and agree that it's a lot more common than some think. I lurked for quite some time before ever posting here, it's seemed intimidating to my Nice Guy mentality. I'm sure there are plenty of others here who think the same in some form or another, and wouldn't dream to go to an actual D/s forum.

Cheers,
V(13)

I think spanking is probably more common as an erotic act than not, for sure.

Some of us also use it as a non-sexual tool to manipulate our mental state.

Either way, I think it's a much misunderstood, er, "need."

 

[cmc]

I'll plus one to the spankees/spankers. My wife comes from a churchy background as well, so much so she used to say 'g0d Bless it' instead if goddamnit. (I found that endearing actually)


After a bad sexless period and coming to here and learing a lot we started connecting in ways we hadn't before. I became more attentive and lost my 'I'm here, I'm hard' attitude to sex. I became a little more dominant, and though everyone here can talk about how communication is the key, she could not open up about what she liked in bed. I tried asking directly, hinting at things and was getting nowhere. Honestly it frustrated the hell outta me.

But as part of my building her desire during the day I googled 'erotic Tumblr' for some classy smut, and a funny thing happened. I noticed she had a theme with the pictures she was sending back. A lot of spanking/blindfold/masks etc. Being bent all my life I was ready to max my CC at JTs Stockroom but it's a slow build. The pictures helped her communicate in a way she couldn't otherwise and it's been an eye opener for me.

Part of me getting right with the marriage was taking more of a leadership role, I had been rather laissez faire about it really, and I think besides being more of a leader in the home, she had wanting the same for the bedroom as well.

For the most part I've been finding out her dirty little desires by trial and error. I know she loves the spankings, but we're not talking about welt inducing, just firm smacks. Little by little I'm getting to know more. Because we are more 'in tune' with each other it's easier to figure out when to go deeper and when to back off. Just a change in her breathing tells me yes or no.

I won't lie, it was not something I'd ever think we'd be doing, I just didn't see this as a thing she'd like. It took some time for me to just start taking over. That being said, we are equals, I would never consider her beneath me or less important because of what we do in the bedroom.

I'm glad this came up here, and agree that it's a lot more common than some think. I lurked for quite some time before ever posting here, it's seemed intimidating to my Nice Guy mentality. I'm sure there are plenty of others here who think the same in some form or another, and wouldn't dream to go to an actual D/s forum.

Cheers,
V(13)

In a way this described our relationship. My husband was very concerned about being equals in bed and trying not to be controlling. I had to convince him that in the bedroom during sex, it is ok to take over and be dominant. He later confessed that he felt guilty at first wanting to be the dominant one in bed.

Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt.

I have also poked around on D/S and bondage forums. There's some good stuff there but a lot of it goes past what we are wanting to do but it's also good to poke around and get some ideas.

 

[GettingIt_2]

Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt.

I have limits that, I think, are probably far beyond what my husband is comfortable with. I just don't feel like I need a safe word. But it's better that way than the other way around probably.

Or is it? Our husbands have to trust us to use our safe words before things go to far.

Yes, now that I think about it, it's probably best that the person pushing the limits has the lower threshold for how far to go.

 

[cmc]

I have limits that, I think, are probably far beyond what my husband is comfortable with. I just don't feel like I need a safe word. But it's better that way than the other way around probably.

Or is it? Our husbands have to trust us to use our safe words before things go to far.

Yes, now that I think about it, it's probably best that the person pushing the limits has the lower threshold for how far to go.

I would say my limits aren't too far. I usually don't like to get the point of welts. My husband also knows he can stop at any time. I know when he is getting to his limits. He'll tend to ask me if I'm alright repeatedly so I know he is reaching his peak. I like the fact my husband has to trust me as well. I'm putting my trust in him so he should be able to put his trust in me. We are heavy into bondage as well so the safe word is more useful there. I like to be tied tightly but you can hold it for so long. My husband will tie my elbows together behind my back but I can only keep that position for so long so I'll use the safe word if it has been too long.

 

[GettingIt_2]

I would say my limits aren't too far. I usually don't like to get the point of welts. My husband also knows he can stop at any time. I know when he is getting to his limits. He'll tend to ask me if I'm alright repeatedly so I know he is reaching his peak. I like the fact my husband has to trust me as well. I'm putting my trust in him so he should be able to put his trust in me. We are heavy into bondage as well so the safe word is more useful there. I like to be tied tightly but you can hold it for so long. My husband will tie my elbows together behind my back but I can only keep that position for so long so I'll use the safe word if it has been too long.

Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!

 

[DayOne]

Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!

Somebody is a happy bunny! :rofl:

 

[cmc]

Oooooooo we got rope bunnies here too! Yay!

Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.

 

[GettingIt_2]

Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.

What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?

 

[Mr The Other]

Lots of women like being spanked. I get nothing from it, but I enjoy pleasing the woman and so I am able to spank and enjoy on that level. After all, the pain is trivial and there is no lasting damage. If she wanted you to cut her up, I would not and many women enjoy rape fantasies and I will not have that on anything but the most cartoon-ish level.

In a way this described our relationship. My husband was very concerned about being equals in bed and trying not to be controlling. I had to convince him that in the bedroom during sex, it is ok to take over and be dominant. He later confessed that he felt guilty at first wanting to be the dominant one in bed.

Another hurdle we had to get over was my use of the safe word. My husband would feel bad if I used it. I had to explain to him that it was a good thing and I liked being pushed to my limits. I assured him I would use it before I was seriously hurt.

I have also poked around on D/S and bondage forums. There's some good stuff there but a lot of it goes past what we are wanting to do but it's also good to poke around and get some ideas.

Perhaps you can ask him if he would be happy if you really took charge in bed, let yourself go and really enjoyed yourself. If he says yes, ask him to do that for you.

 

[MJJEAN]

Yes! We have a whole drawer full of nothing but rope.

I actually have an entire two shelf nightstand packed full of rope and a bag of different rope in the other nightstand.

We've gotten rope everywhere from online at a shibari website to Dom Depo. My favorite rope is the thick black we got at Dom Depot with the rope we ordered online and finished ourselves being a close second. Which is my fav depends on mood. Black rope for its weight and softness, the rope we finished when I want something lighter and more coarse.

I really really want a leather paddle and/or a riding crop. For use on both me and him. I'm just not sure if I want to buy one or make one. I'm also trying to find a way to make my own cat o nine tales from my rope supply.

Yeah, I'd say the forum has a few people who like some form of BDSM or other. :grin2:

What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?

DH learned online. Esinem on Youtube. His videos on safety are wonderful and he also does his own rope finishing and instructional videos of different knots, wrapping, restraining, and so on.

 

[cmc]

What is your favorite type? Is your husband a good rope top? Did he take a class or just learn on his own?

We just use rope bought at Home Depot. Some braided nylon rope. Can buy it in a spool and in different colors. It's soft so it doesn't chafe my skin. My husband learned ties by watching Youtube. He's really gotten good at it. At first I felt I could escape it rather easily, but now I know I can't. I know he watches some bondage videos and gets some ideas from there.

 

[Voltaire2013]

Ha! I had some nylon rope for tree trimmers that work quite well, likely the same stuff(German hemp rope is apparently the cats meow, I've read) and I too learned from YouTube - 2 Knotty Boys or some such. If I'm ever on a tall ship I'll be able to show off my skills.

I was thinking after posting last night that some people think that it's a role playing thing, like you are 'acting' as D/s. I can tell she needs as much as wants a lot of it, and I've been afraid to admit the same to myself.

I've come to think it's who you were all along. Nuances may change, but it was always there.

Cheers,
V(13)

We just use rope bought at Home Depot. Some braided nylon rope. Can buy it in a spool and in different colors. It's soft so it doesn't chafe my skin. My husband learned ties by watching Youtube. He's really gotten good at it. At first I felt I could escape it rather easily, but now I know I can't. I know he watches some bondage videos and gets some ideas from there.