There's a few TAM people who practice D/s (Dominant/submissive relationships). Hopefully they'll drop by to help you out. I'd also highly recommend Husdom.com for you, and submrs.com for your Lady. Linked sites (the owners of the sites are a married couple) with trusted, knowledgeable people. Also TakenInHand has a lot of useful articles to read.

It does sound like you're a lucky couple. by this I mean the trust is in place. She trusts you, which is why she is able to open up and tell you what she needs. And you're able to communicate with each other. Definitely a win! So explore your limits, she will tell you when it's too much. Use 'safe words', specific words that you both agree on so there's no confusion while in a 'session'. Typically "yellow" means "ease up, I'm not comfortable", "red" means "STOP".

Exploring D/s myself, but still very much a noob, so will leave it there. But the very best of luck on this new journey. Relax and have fun! :grin2:

 

Wait until she gets angry with you or you over do the 'punishment', you leave marks on her, and she calls the police to charge you with domestic violence.

 

Quite harsh for a initial reply, to a noob, by a mod.

 

OP, I suggest you embark on some major reading and research. DayOne got you started with some good sites, and there are many, many others. But nothing, NOTHING is more important than the communication you do with your wife. She, too, should be doing a lot of reading, and you both should share and discuss what you're learning. She is your best resource, and you hers. Cultivate a relationship in which you each can be transparent with your feelings--even when you know its not what the other person wants to hear. Cultivate that two-way trust and intimacy. It doesn't happen overnight and you never become perfect at it, rather it's an ongoing process that you just commit to.

You are not alone in your mixed feelings towards your wife's desires, and your sexual reaction to them. As long as your actions remain safe and consensual, and as long as you are in constant, honest communication about them, this can be a very satisfying dynamic. But understand this about the physical discipline: SHE has the power right now. She is giving you the trust, she can take it away. I highly recommend you use a safe word--at least while you are exploring and establishing limits, etc. If you do embark on building a power exchange relationship with your wife, the issues of who has power can evolve. But that's a topic for an advanced class

You should also understand that many women think they want a D/s relationship, when what they want is someone to top them. Nothing wrong with that, but it's incumbent on both of you to come to understand the difference between a 24/7 D/s dynamic and a dynamic in which you use spanking to help her process emotions, work on her self discipline, reach heightened levels of sexual gratification, etc. And no, you don't have to pick one or the other. Plenty of women who want and need to be topped (spanked) by their husbands also want and need aspects of emotional power exchange. No two power exchange relationships are alike. You figure out what works for you and your wife and you don't let anyone tell you that you are "doing it wrong." Since this is new, I highly doubt that your wife has it figured out for herself yet. It took me a really long time and quite a few failures to figure it out. It's a pretty complex psychological and physiological desire/need--and the reasons behind it are not the same for everyone.

Physical discipline is never a good replacement for communicating about problems, and it wont make the issues go away. It can be an effective CONSENSUAL tool if you both realize this. It sounds to me that your wife wants you to top her, and is also very turned on by the idea of being punished by you. That's common, in my experience. But until the two of you hash out what "discipline" looks like, you are going to have to take things slow and YOU are the one who is going to have to say NO to her if you feel AT ALL uncomfortable. (That's right: tops and Doms get safe words, too. They tend to call it "making rules" or "making the decisions" or "leading the relationship," but it's communicating boundaries and setting limits, nothing more, nothing less.)

I've really REALLY lucky to have a partner who, when I expressed my needs for physical domination, was willing to explore it with me, was willing to understand how it works for me on an emotional and physical level, and who takes the responsibility and risks very, very seriously. There are a lot of men (and women) who are great tops. There are a lot of men out there who love and cherish their wives in so-called "vanilla" ways. There are men who are wonderful leaders in a D/s marriage who would not dream of hitting their wives, even with her consent. And then there are the rare (I think) men who can combine it all and be just what their wives need. I say that is rare because there is no play book for this sort of thing. You have to become an expert at reading your wife, and she has to have total trust in you--and that is a tall order for many people, because the sort of two-way intimacy this requires is a sh!t ton of work. In addition to that, you have to know yourself, and be able to be honest with yourself, and be able to honestly reflect on your strengths and weaknesses as seen through the eyes of your partner. And THAT requires the most work and humility of all.

OK, sorry to rattle on. Go forth and (responsibly) flog with joy. Let me know if you have any specific questions and I (and others here, as D1 pointed out) can try and point you in the right direction.

 

:iagree:

Wise words, from a very knowledgeable Lady.

:smthumbup:

 

OP--One other thought:

This topic (physical domination and D/s marriage in general) is historically a controversial issue on this forum. You are more likely to get thoughtful replies from members who have positive experience with it, and who currently and successfully incorporate physical domination/spanking, if you are not a "hit and run" poster. That is, if you come back and participate in your own thread, ask questions, give more info, etc.

Most of us are happy to help, but are not interested in participating in another thread that will end up in a flame war.

 

My advice would be to purchase a TENS unit on Amazon for about $35 that is designed for back pain relief. The electrical pads that come with these things are perfect for adhering to butt cheeks. Play around with the settings and placements and you will eventually find something that gives a very painful sensation.

The best part is that the pain is derived from only an electrical stimulation of the nerves and there is never any damage to the respective cells. If anything it promotes blood flow and stimulates the body for a healthy response from the body's immune system. This would allow you to deliver a significant amount of pain to her in a way that will not result on bodily harm, only pain.

(Otherwise it would not be approved for sale in places like Walgreens and CVS)

For the price and the potential results, it should be worth a try!

Badsanta

 

Good evening
communication is really critical. Be sure you both understand how spanking is to be used. Be sure you both understand what other sorts of punishment and domination are OK and which are not.

I very strongly recommend that there always be a safe-word. I also think that you have to be very clear that if she ever wants to stop the entire game, she can.



I am made very uncomfortable by any sort of BDSM outside of sex play in the bedroom (where I think its fine). It is just too easy for play discipline to become real discipline, to become real abuse. It is not something I would be at all comfortable doing.


If I came home and my wife told me she had been naughty and needed to be spanked, I would be absolutely fine with that. But I would not want a situation where I was actually punishing her for real offenses, and where it was not part of mutually enjoyable sexual play.

 

This might all be well and good for the time being but when it goes too far and you hurt her, as unintentional as it might be, she could go to cops and have you arrested. This type of fun might be too dangerous, especially for you.

 

OP, the cautions here are real, and ones that merit consideration.

That is why, when you read about couples who practice successful D/s, they will urge caution, communication, and extreme trust. A D/s dynamic that includes physical domination--in the bedroom, outside the bedroom, or both--can only work between two people who share that sort of trust and two-way intimacy. And even then, you can NEVER remove the risk (hence the anacronyn RACK: Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Which reminds me, you could Google that as well as SCC for Safe, Sane and Consensual for more useful reading resources.)

My husband has to have unwavering trust in me because yes sometimes after spankings my a$$ looks like hell.

Technically, we take a risk every time. We are aware of it, we talk about it, we don't ignore it--but nor does it stop us or dampen our enthusiasm. It's just that, for us, the benefits outweigh the risks. Our marriage is better and we are happier with it than without.

I would say that if you're not in a good marriage with a HIGH level of mutual trust (like the couple Young at Heart tells the story about), then the risks are far higher. Not that that stops some people from getting their kink on . . .

 

Posters have talked about how to do it, being careful about doing it, whether it's okay to do it.......

But, what if he just doesn't want to do it?

I wouldn't do it. I couldn't get aroused by causing a woman pain, whether she wants it or not. Or even pretending to cause pain.

It would suck if my wife needed this. I couldn't do it.

 

If he does not want to, then he most certainly should not.

Sometimes we very honestly cannot meet the needs of a partner. It's then up to the partner to decide what to do. OP's wife might take her husband's "no" just fine, or it might cause problems. But if he's not up front about his level of willingness to explore this with her, then the risks to the marriage go up anyway.

At the end of the day, there does have to be some level of compatibility on the issue.

ETA: Think of it this way: if a man proposed to his wife that he use physical domination to discipline her, motivate her, relieve her anxiety, enhance the eroticism of the marriage, etc., and SHE wasn't into it, no one would questions her right to say, "no way, no thanks." It works both ways. A husband has every right to say no, too.

 

Good evening
following up on another comment. Safe words are for tops as well as bottoms. It is quite possible for a top to find a scene disturbing and want it to end RIGHT NOW

 

Thank you all. We have always had a loving and committed marriage. I think this has come about because we do trust each other and she has finally become comfortable in our relationship to put me in charge.

I still need to learn to trust her on knowing what she needs in order to be the wife she wants to be.
She is also testing me and trying her trust in me to do what she needs.

I am able to commit to and carry out the corrections we discuss together and I follow through. The expression "this will hurt me more than it hurts you" rings true. Afterwords she smiles and is in love, while I feel like an abusive husband.

Last night she told me she does not want to make me do something I don't want to do and I just responded "than don't mess up and I won't have to" I think this could also be the emotional incentive that she needs as well.

 

OP's wife might take her husband's "no" just fine, or it might cause problems.

This is interesting. Telling her no I won't do it also puts me in the authority seat.

 

Yes, you'll be the 'authority', but...

Always remember that 'dominant' and 'submissive' are titles only. There still needs to be communication, respect and trust. There are 'dominants' who wrongly think their word, their opinion, is law. That they can do what they like, whether their partner enjoys it.

You, fortunately, sound like one of the good ones (or will be).

 

OP, have you discussed with your wife what she gets out of spanking?

When you describe her wheedling with you to spank her after you decided to let her "transgression" slide, my spanko-spidey sense goes off. That's fondly referred to as "topping from the bottom." She wants a spanking, but asking for it ruins it for her, so she wants YOU to have an incentive to dole them out, so instituting a domestic discipline dynamic seems like a good way to get this done.

At the very bottom (ahem) it's manipulation, but not of the malicious sort. It's really, REALLY hard to come to terms with the fact that you want, need and are better off with spankings. I think a lot of spankos don't really care to know the why behind their desires. Better to turn it all over to your spouse to administer, better to make it part of a "dynamic."

Look, I think there are a million emotional reasons that spanking can be a positive in a relationship, but all skillfully administered spankings result in the same thing: a big ol' flood of chemicals into the blood stream. Chemicals that make you feel good.

You can take your pill, you can to go your therapist, or you can figure out a way to get your husband to give you a whipping.

My husband figured this out before I did. Eventually he put a stop to the charade of a punishment dynamic and made me learn to ask for what I needed--be it absolution, a way to end out of control anxiety, a re-set on an unproductive day, or just favor when I'm jonesing for a fix.

My suggestion to you: don't get too attached to a being in a domestic discipline dynamic. They actually usually don't work very well when the sub is a spanko. How to tell if she's really in it for the discipline? Stop using spanking and tell her you'll be using for punishment something she actually doesn't like and need.

 

...Look, I think there are a million emotional reasons that spanking can be a positive in a relationship, but all skillfully administered spankings result in the same thing: a big ol' flood of chemicals into the blood stream. Chemicals that make you feel good.....

Great comments. That is a good point.

As to releasing feel good chemicals/hormones. A deep tissue massage also does that. I have had a number of deep tissue massages where they end with a series of soft karate like chops to the thighs, gluts, ets. Spanking is sometimes a combination of sting and thud sensations. I think that the thud are the ones that release the most feel good hormones.

One thing I have found that works is a light slap (sting not thud) followed by a sensuous cupping of the buttock, followed by a hard deep squeeze of the buttock cheek to really push the deep muscles to work out any stress (sort of thud). That seems to be something not as corporal as a spanking but provides some interesting results.

For my wife spanking would be a mental no-no that would make her jump out of bed, but cupping and squeezing is OK. Actually better than OK.

But again the brain is the biggest sex organ and what goes on in one's head really makes or breaks sex for most.

For the OP's wife the discipline and submission might be what makes this her thing. If so her husband might also get there by ways that are not spanking.

The part in the OP's original post about leaving welts, still would scare me. But that is just me. I have see too much bad stuff happen.

 

OP, first off please take the advice given from GettingIt and DayOne they are always giving good help and know firsthand how this goes. That being said I was in your shoes at one point with this. My marriage was in a bit of a rut and there were things going on that I didn’t not pick up one and notice. After being on TAM and talking to the great posters here I realized what my wife wanted and needed.

I would encourage you to talk to your wife before you jump into the spanking and whatever else you want to get into. Communication with this lifestyle is the biggest key there is. Just let it flow. Talk about why she wants it, or what she is getting into this dynamic for. Tell her your concerns and wants as well. This will only work if both parties have a clear understanding what is involvoved and what is going to happen. I think something important to know your wife might be craving this for more than bedroom stuff. This dynamic when done with care and communiation can help with emotional needing and phyisical. There is a great mind space this can lead her to.

Again I would want you to talk further and see what is really what she needs and what you are ok to do. This will only work if you both settle on what you need and want as a couple. Don’t ever do what the other doenst want you to. This dynamic has a bad stigma in most eyes when not done with care and concern with both parties. But if this is fully talked and ironed out you can enter a whole new part of your relationship.

This topic can lead to strong opinions that can concern you. I just ask you that you research and really talk to your wife on what you guys want to do. If you don’t feel comfortable if this tread goes where you don’t want it to reach out to GettingIt and DayOne or myself with questions.

Sidenote, EleGirl I really respect you onTAM as long as I have been here but I felt your respons to the OP was offbase. He came here as a new poster with nothing but compassion and questioning about this and for you to throw out abuse as a response was dissapointing as Mod and a longtime poster. It’s the knee jerk reactions like that make some of us not post about what works in our marriage.

 

Disclaimer: I really don't know much about this subject as other posters here, but I do know I love getting spanked.

Sounds to me like she is really into the whole role playing thing. Keep the line of communication open, you're doing a great job of that, and enjoy! I'm sure youve figured it out by now, but spank her while you're inside of her. Her lady parts will constrict and it'll feel great for you.:grin2: it's a win-win!

 

My husband and I are into spanking. I believe where we differentiate is that it is always contained to the bedroom and as part of foreplay before sex. I'm not interested in being punished for coming home late. My husband still gives me playful slaps outside of the bedroom but not a formal spanking. We also take it a bit farther as I am into the damsel in distress and will even be tied up while spanked and groped before he finally forces himself on me, and by force I mean in a fantasy sort of way.

As mentioned before, safewords are a must. My husband told me that I am in control. In a weird sense I feel like I am in control even though physically I'm not in control. I'm not sure that my spanking has gotten to the point of welts, but definitely a little bruising. During the spanking, I don't even feel the pain. After we are done or the next day, then I may feel a little soreness. I find it sexy that my man is so turned on and desires me so much that he takes control and takes what he wants.

I never even thought of calling the cops until I read this thread. I couldn't imagine what could drive me to do that to my husband but I guess it could happen. You could always add some more kink and videotape the spankings. That way you may have some evidence it was consensual. I guess if you feel the need to videotape your sessions because your wife may be vindictive enough to turn you into the police, you probably have other issues in your marriage.

 

This is neither here nor there, but it's somewhat on topic, I suppose.

My wife actually straight-up told me, back when we were dating, to never, ever spank her, or slap her butt during sex. This came from nowhere (and is not something I'd have done, any way). I remember shrugging it off back then, and just chalking it up to a new relationship establishing of rules for sex.

Fast forward a few years, and her, her girlfriend of many years, and I are sitting around the patio one summer night, and they were talking about her friends ex boyfriend for some reason. My wife casually says to her friend "remember that guy who wanted to spank me all the time?" (this was in a negative tone of voice, btw). I think my reaction was something like "hey, husband here, don't want to hear this, thank you...!" And she was like "why? it's not a positive memory or something I remember fondly!" Anyway, the subject was dropped, but I instantly recalled the time when she told me, out of the blue, to never, ever spank her during sex.

Now, my wife is what the young'uns call "bootylicious" (nobody says that any more, I know... lol!) and I know that she got a lot of attention for being "curvy", and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that she's probably had her fair share of guys who only want her ass, or who are into spanking, but all the same.

Now the irony is that she actually enjoys it when I walk by and give her a good slap on the behind. I guess it's more playful that way, rather than what might amount to a light fetish. I've never really talked to her about it, but I can assume there have been enough guys who clearly were only in to her butt, just like many women with big breasts probably encounter guys the same way. So I can empathize with her, ironically the way I could empathize with my ex wife being 5 foot nothing and having 36DDD breasts... (until she lost a lot of weight).

But it's always kind of bugged me that my wife pre-emptively assumed I'd try to spank/slap her butt during sex and felt she had to mention it. Clearly she's had some negative experiences with that in the past, or she felt like she was being used for her "assets" (badoom-ching!).

 

I appreciate your comments. However the comment about reporting to the police and buying a shocking (torture) device will be dismissed.

My wife read through your comments as well (we have very open communication regarding this) she completely agreed that egging me on to follow through did in fact take away from the experience. we discussed the importance of me following through.

After reading several sites and hearing stories the most affirming think that I have learned is that we have to make it our own. No one persons "style" will be perfect for us but we will continue to have an open line of communication and learn as we go.

 

I appreciate your comments. However the comment about reporting to the police and buying a shocking (torture) device will be dismissed.

Good. At the end of the day, it's your marriage. Your partnership. You guys trust each other and should rely on that. Not the scaremongering (if well meant?) comments of random e-strangers on a forum you just joined. (and IMO the tens device is WAY beyond where you two are at)

My wife read through your comments as well (we have very open communication regarding this) she completely agreed that egging me on to follow through did in fact take away from the experience. we discussed the importance of me following through.

And that's fair. It may take you both a while to iron out the wrinkles of this new dynamic, and for you to get used to the idea of being a Dom.. But that's the fun part! :grin2:

After reading several sites and hearing stories the most affirming thing that I have learned is that we have to make it our own. No one persons "style" will be perfect for us but we will continue to have an open line of communication and learn as we go.

DUDE, you get it! Enjoy it. LEARN it. Practice. PLAY. Have FUN. It's a whole new world to (s)explore. :grin2:

:allhail:

 

DayOne,

I find my self humbled by your recommendation sir...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

 

DayOne,

I find myself humbled by your recommendation sir...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

You're most welcome.

Just pointing him at a great and valued (by me) resource. :toast:

 

David27,

I am that hit and run member that someone discussed earlier; please excuse my unfamiliarity.

I have tried to keep everything in perspective as I read through the entire thread but please accept my apology if I have lost track, as it is rather long.

When I began my journey into D/s-M with my lk, we began in the bedroom only. This meant that all of the spanking was certainly done for pleasure only.

As our journey naturally progressed, and began to move outside of the bedroom and develop into a 24/7 dynamic we both found ourselves at a crossroads regarding punishment and discipline. lk wanted to be to be held accountable for indiscretions and as a loving husband this was difficult for me to administer, but I did as it is always important to be consistent in any relationship and especially as a Dominant, a leader.

I love spanking my lk almost to a fault, and she absolutely loves being spanked as well. One of the issues that I came across in the beginning of our journey was separating a spanking for pleasure from a discipline spanking. Separating them in both of our minds. Looking back, some of my challenges during my journey have come from poor terminology among the lifestyle. Since we better defined our punishment and discipline, I have only punished lk maybe once or twice as it no longer became something that she truly desired, nor did I. She no longer was acting 'bratty' to get me to 'punish' her. Those couple of punishments resolved the issues eat hand with a single punishment only. Submissives desire to please and it breaks their hearts when they don't satisfy us.

It appears to me as though your wife enjoys her 'punishment'... I needed to find clarity so I now call this type of play, 'fuishment'.

For us, punishments are for real... Not intended be sexual in any manner. Intentionally dealt with in a manner unlike any funishment. When I give lk a spanking for pleasure or a funshiment I always warm her up... With a punishment there is no warm up... There is no sexual satisfaction at the end.

Another attribute that lk and I incorporate is that we do not 'punish' with anything that I would want her to take pleasure from under different circumstances. For example, punishing her with a sexual act like anal sex. Do you ever want to have anal sex with her? For many woman there is already negative a stigma with anal sex and now you would be associating it with a punishment as well.

Communication was mentioned here many times... There can not be enough said about proper communication and knowing for certain what each one of you desire as well as what each one of you may not desire. This is a must but has already been thoroughly covered.

Trust and the other basic relationship fundamentals are all crucial in a D/s relationship.

Regarding the comments regarding the abuse factor. A D/s relationship should be built on a loving and trustworthy relationship. If you have any doubt whether you partner would be calling the police and having you arrested for abuse you probably should be reconsidering your basic relationship and not be concerned about incorporating D/s into it. (not written to you as I can see that it is not your concern)

Also, pleases realize that this is simply an abbreviated version to our basic D/s-M lifestyle, a simple overview. You will need to investigate the lifestyle for yourself and as you already mentioned, make it your own. My short explanation would fall plenty short of everything that you should be considering when you are spanking or punishing your wife.

I wish you the very best as you progress along your journey and you have received a lot of great wisDOM from the other members here.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

 

@husDOM Mr. Fox, I'm going to use your post to give a little more info and perspective from "the other side of the slash." It might help OP feel more comfortable with what his wife is proposing to see that D/s, like any healthy marriage, is a partnership between two people who are, essentially, working towards the same goal. It might also help assuage some of the extreme discomfort that many folks have with D/s (most particularly those dynamics that include physical domination), or at least shed some light on why it is desirable for some couples.

David27,

When I began my journey into D/s-M with my lk, we began in the bedroom only. This meant that all of the spanking was certainly done for pleasure only.

As our journey naturally progressed, and began to move outside of the bedroom and develop into a 24/7 dynamic we both found ourselves at a crossroads regarding punishment and discipline. lk wanted to be to be held accountable for indiscretions and as a loving husband this was difficult for me to administer, but I did as it is always important to be consistent in any relationship and especially as a Dominant, a leader.

I love spanking my lk almost to a fault, and she absolutely loves being spanked as well. One of the issues that I came across in the beginning of our journey was separating a spanking for pleasure from a discipline spanking. Separating them in both of our minds. Looking back, some of my challenges during my journey have come from poor terminology among the lifestyle. Since we better defined our punishment and discipline, I have only punished lk maybe once or twice as it no longer became something that she truly desired, nor did I. She no longer was acting 'bratty' to get me to 'punish' her. Those couple of punishments resolved the issues eat hand with a single punishment only. Submissives desire to please and it breaks their hearts when they don't satisfy us.

We experienced a similar progression in the use of spanking as discipline in our dynamic. I pushed for a punishment dynamic at the beginning, but my husband found it difficult. He felt the desire to lead, not to coerce. Nor did he think it prudent to use punishment to "give me a free pass" on not being forthcoming with him about my feelings, even if they were hard for him to hear. Like OP's wife, I'm independent and strong willed and often have felt supreme frustration over my inability to "please" my husband to a level that *I* thought he needed. There are areas where we are just incompatible. So the pattern became of me stuffing my emotions, and then "bratting."

My husband had no interest in "managing" my brattiness. He did find that I was apt to let all the pent up crap come out during a harsh spanking, and he began to shift away from punishing me as a rebuke for my behavior to spanking me so I could let out the pent up feelings. (You'd be surprised at what can come of of your mouth when you have to shift all your resource to managing physical pain instead of emotional pain.) Wonder of wonders, my anxiety over stuffed emotions started to really improve things over all for me. I've always been someone who felt the need to remain highly in control of my emotions (and I'm good at it).

My husband also has no interest or impulse to punish me physically when he's upset with me. And that's part of what makes him a good and trustworthy D/s partner. When he's upset with me, he sits me down and tell me why. He doesn't demand that I change or give me a list of rules I have to follow to make him happy. He simply is sharing something about our interaction, or our domestic lives, etc. that is a problem for him or where he'd like to see change or improvement. I must say, I'd rather have the spanking, lol. I'm highly defensive and the conversations usually are not pleasant. As I said, I HATE it when he's displeased for ANY reason. I tend to take it very personally.

Part of the reason I wanted punishment spankings was that I thought it would relieve my husband of the need to talk to me about things I didn't want to hear. Sigh. Nope.

It appears to me as though your wife enjoys her 'punishment'... I needed to find clarity so I now call this type of play, 'fuishment'.

For us, punishments are for real... Not intended be sexual in any manner. Intentionally dealt with in a manner unlike any funishment. When I give lk a spanking for pleasure or a funshiment I always warm her up... With a punishment there is no warm up... There is no sexual satisfaction at the end.

You talked about how the use of terminology has evolved in your dynamic. Fairly early on we shifted away from calling the non-fun spankings "punishment." For awhile we called them just generic "discipline" and my husband meted them out at his choosing when he felt I needed them (because I had a really, really hard time asking for one even if I knew I needed one, and sometimes when I needed one I was so consumed my anxiety that manifested in anger and irritation at him that I was SURE that *I* wasn't the one who needed the spanking.)

We don't even call them discipline anymore. They are just this tool we have to keep things healthy between us. How harsh and how often and the reasons for the spankings HE chooses to give has a huge bearing on how mentally healthy I feel. Does he use this authority to perfection always? No. He's human, too, and if he's not in the right head space to spank me, he won't--even if I desperately want one. And that is another reason he makes a good D/s partner. And he has to trust me to give him completely honest feedback about his choices.

Another attribute that lk and I incorporate is that we do not 'punish' with anything that I would want her to take pleasure from under different circumstances. For example, punishing her with a sexual act like anal sex. Do you ever want to have anal sex with her? For many woman there is already negative a stigma with anal sex and now you would be associating it with a punishment as well.

Although this makes perfect sense and is highly responsible of you, from the s-type perspective, this is attractive fodder for thought. "Oh no, Sir, please PLEASE not the anal sex! Anything but the anal sex! And you say you're going to tie me up to? I'll do anything, anything, just don't belt me first--please, not the belt!" >

Communication was mentioned here many times... There can not be enough said about proper communication and knowing for certain what each one of you desire as well as what each one of you may not desire. This is a must but has already been thoroughly covered.

Trust and the other basic relationship fundamentals are all crucial in a D/s relationship.

Regarding the comments regarding the abuse factor. A D/s relationship should be built on a loving and trustworthy relationship. If you have any doubt whether you partner would be calling the police and having you arrested for abuse you probably should be reconsidering your basic relationship and not be concerned about incorporating D/s into it. (not written to you as I can see that it is not your concern)

Agree that this cannot be stated enough. You have to have communication and trust and you have to be able to say NO and hear NO and be willing to talk about some really tough and gritty emotions. It's requires a heightened degree of intimacy--of the sort that some people want and can tolerate, and others can't and won't. In short, it's work for BOTH partners.

Also, pleases realize that this is simply an abbreviated version to our basic D/s-M lifestyle, a simple overview. You will need to investigate the lifestyle for yourself and as you already mentioned, make it your own. My short explanation would fall plenty short of everything that you should be considering when you are spanking or punishing your wife.

I, for one, greatly appreciate that you emerged from your den to share your experience. D/s saved my vanilla marriage from its sure march toward destruction. You were a resource to my husband and I early in our exploration of D/s. Although TAM is not the best or most natural forum for this sort of discussion, it does come up regularly and there are enough members here interested in the topic that I try to be as open as I can without offending, triggering, or being inappropriate in regards to the generally understood use and purpose of this formum. It's a misunderstood marriage dynamic--and I can certainly understand why, given the state of the marriages of many folks who find their way here. On the other hand, I know now of many couples like my husband and me--long term relationship, monogamous, pretty normal life--who have discovered that a D/s structure is the key to happiness, harmony and contentment.

 

GettingIt,

I was wondering about your familiarity with me when you began by addressing me as Mr Fox... I must admit that I receive quite a bit of pleasure when I learn that someone has benefited from one of our communities. I am elated to discover that you and your husband are doing well.

And yes getting out of the Den from time to time is good. lk and I have been very busy making some exciting changes and additions to our websites for 2016. We are also finalizing the details for the Vegas Gathering in April.

Having a positive advocate for a married monogamous D/s-M relationship on TAM is priceless for our lifestyle. I as well as many others thank you for that.

When it came to a real punishment they are rarely ever required because lk makes such an effort to please me. Furthermore, she is her biggest critic, if she feels for one second that she has not pleased me she will be upset with herself. That is why a physical punishment is not really necessary.

For example, do you spank your children every single time they make a mistake? Probably not...

When it comes to my terminology regarding the punishment and funishment... The two terms were developed to allow us both to differentiate their purpose and to better set the expectation of what the deed would entail.

A punishment is simply not that simple... There really isn't enough space here to go over all of the considerations that should be given to a Dominant punishing his submissive.

Our dynamic has many more attributes that I couldn't possibly get into a forum thread response. We do something similar to what you and your husband do as well, we refer to ours as a reset spanking or simply a reset. That is our 'tool to keep things healthy'... So there would be (3) types or uses of spankings that we employ.

Although this makes perfect sense and is highly responsible of you, from the s-type perspective, this is attractive fodder for thought. "Oh no, Sir, please PLEASE not the anal sex! Anything but the anal sex! And you say you're going to tie me up to? I'll do anything, anything, just don't belt me first--please, not the belt!

We certainly entertain this type of fodder as well, however, it would fall into what I would refer to as funishment or simply play. In my opinion there should be a clear delineation between what is playful and fun and what is a serious punishment. A submissive will become very bratty if her punishments end with orgasms. And as previously mentioned, a submissive will already be distraught over disappointing her dominant. If she was psychologically upset and then the dominant proceeded to punish her by a psychical act she will most likely not derive the same pleasure from that act in the future. It would begin to bring to the surface bad feelings and guilt.

The terminology throughout or D/s journeys be tricky. Someone in this thread said earlier that they had learned that they would have to make it their own and nothing could be more accurate.

I have enjoyed our conversation and want to say again how happy I am to see a spokesperson for a loving D/s-M lifestyle.

Please give my best to our husband...

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

 

**a little background. We have been married for 6 years in a Christian home with 2 children. I have wanted her to "willfully" submit more and she has always wanted it too but struggled. So far there has been mutual respect with some struggle of submitting.

From time to time we would use spanking as a stimulate, which would get my wife horny. This was all good until she started researching it. she read about Christian Domestic Discipline and thought it was not for us but she became more horny when reading. fast forward a few months and we use play-full spanking in the bedroom during sex and yet again she is very satisfied. SHE than tells me that she would like to try using spanking as a corrective measure to things that "SHE" feels she could improve. We scheduled a controlled night where I literally welted her behind and what i felt crossed the line. This made both of us horny, we preceded to have sex several times. I asked if she was serious about using this as discipline, in which SHE made requests that she would be physically punished for certain things........Than while i am at work she sends me pictures and I feel 50/50 aroused and ashamed...... I come home and find that she than not even thinking about it "broke her rules". She was scared of the punishment but we had agreed that there would be a corrective action. I than find that she masterbated several times that day, which i have no problem with. She went out with a friend for the night and is expecting correction when she gets home (including sex). i dont really know how i feel about this.

looking for feedback from woman who like to be spanked and men who struggle with doing it.


*********day 2***************

So she got home late (12:30am) me still laying awake but pretending to sleep, I wanted to see what she would do. She just come to bed and waited for me. We started making out and instantly went into for play. She than told me that she thought about going to the couch instead of bed because she was scared and asked if I was going to follow through. After telling her that since we are just starting, I would let it go today, she kept pushing "why" why would you let it slide. She pushed until I eventually spanked her for her slip up. It took much less this time but she felt so much more. We hugged and kissed and finished have mutual satisfying sex. She said that she is okay but I'm still a mess.

I don't want her to not come to bed or lie to me out of fear. Up until now there has been no reason to avoid me.

This is advice you should follow.

DO WHAT MAKES YOUR WIFE HAPPY!!!

AND MAN UP!!!!!

I am sorry if that seems harsh but that advice might save your marriage.

There is NOTHING WRONG when it comes to any type of sexual play or role playing between husband and wife and religion....and although I personally and not religious I do respect those who have or need faith.....but RELIGION....is a man made concept.

If most people had the knowledge I have about how the Bible was developed by the Imperial Roman Biblical Canon.....they would be shocked!!!

Let me say this.....if there is a GOD...and that's a BIG IF.....and I can tell you EXACTLY how big an if it is......a GOD existing as advertised in any ancient human writing or text has a Probability calculation of....1 chance in 10^178th.

That is 1 in a 10 with 178 ZERO'S AFTER IT!!!

A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY exists at an even higher Probability at 1 chance in 10^150th.

A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY at 1 in 10^150th means that the Probability is so low it is STATISTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE!!!

What YOU should be concerning yourself with is the Probability Calculation of the end of your marriage if you do not make your wife happy!!!

That Probability is in the order of 1 in 7 if you continue to have such issues.

1 in 2 if your wife complains about it over a 2 year period.

8 in 9 if your wife stops asking you.

MentalSteel

 

I think D/s would be a fun game to play in marriage, kind like what you described in the first post. However I don't want to be married to a child where I have rules and punish her in real life.

What makes me think this is a game to your wife is the expectation of sex after every spanking. Maybe she read or heard about the 50 shades of grey and want to act out that fantasy. I've read more than a couple stories about wives reading that and wanting to try the bdsm side of sex.

For now I say enjoy it and treat it as a game and don't take it seriously. Maybe have fun with it and talk like a daddy does to a baby girl. Buy her an baby girl outfit to wear, etc.

If you are serious about taking the turn to a DD relationship then you, as the dom, need to set the pace, not the sub. You need to read up and tell her what to do. Test her submission in little things and push the boundaries slowly to see how far she will go. It could be a really exciting new thing for you guys after being married for so long and enjoy new aspect of your sexuality together.

 

Personally I would not focus too much on labels. Oftentimes when people begin to do this they chose a label and then without even realizing it, they stay within the confines of that label, creating a box if you will, that they never venture out of.

As you venture into the lifestyle you will most likely discover that whichever label you chose for what you and your wife do together, there will be attributes of similar lifestyles within it. That is what I would consider to be making it your own.

The description above of a D/s lifestyle is certainly not how most of us that actually live the lifestyle see ourselves or our relationships with our spouses.

Usually the acronym DD indicates Domestic Discipline...

I am not currently, nor have I ever been in a DD relationship. Without having the proper experience to make an educated comment regarding the lifestyle I will refrain from leading you by assumption. I would suggest that you do as the author above suggested and read about the lifestyle and see what it is all about.

"However I don't want to be married to a child where I have rules and punish her in real life. "

wiki

Domestic discipline most commonly refers to the practice of fully consensual corporal discipline between two competent adult partners in a relationship



There is more to read on the wiki page but I want to be considerate as a guest on this forum and will refrain from posting the entire page. The root of DD is discipline...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_discipline

Forget the label and the prejudice between one or the other. What you should be doing is what GeetingIt and DayOne were discussing back on the first page... Communicating with our wife to learn what it is that you and she desire... You can call it anything that you like just as long as it makes both of you happy.

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

 

Personally I would not focus too much on labels. Oftentimes when people begin to do this they chose a label and then without even realizing it, they stay within the confines of that label, creating a box if you will, that they never venture out of.

So true. Labels are just a path to stuffing yourself into someone ELSE's box.




That sounds dirty.