[maquiscat]

My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 4 of them. We have two young children aged 2 and 1 years so to say we’ve had a pretty intense couple of years is an understatement. We’ve lost our relationship since becoming parents and it has taken its toll on us. We’re not sexually activel right now and our relationship is strained. I naively thought that this is just what married couples experience when there are very young and demanding children in the mix and believe you come back to each other more as the children grow older. I have always known that my husband has enjoyed attention from men and has in the past (younger years) had experiences with men. Tonight he has informed me that he has battled with his sexuality for as long as he can remember and recently has been getting close to his openly gay friend who is unhappy in his relationship and has made clear to my husband that he would have him in a heartbeat if my husband ever wanted to go there. We’ve had this person over to our house on two occasions now for dinner at our house. I have tried to be supportive of my husband and accepted his sexuality as it is his journey and really has no affect on our marriage, or that was my thinking as he has chosen me to spend his life with. However, as we got deeper into conversation about this he has informed me that he is developing feelings for his friend and he is feeling confused about this. He explained it in a way that he wished there were two of him so one could be with me to continue our life which on the outside looking in is everything anyone could dream of or want in a family life and the other half of him could be with his friend who he is developing feelings for. I’m not really sure how to feel, react or support him on his journey knowing he feels this way for his friend. He said he needs his friend in his life as he helps him so much for not judging him and being a good friend and does not wish to feel romantic feelings towards him but cannot help how his feelings are becoming for the friend. I’m so confused and worried about my future and just feel as though my life is crashing down in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’m scared about how life will be for my children and I cannot imagine my life without the man I love and married. I also have no one to turn to as I feel this isn’t something I can discuss with anyone as we only have mutual friends and no one but this friend or I know about my husbands sexuality so I do not want to put him.

One of the first things that I feel needs to be pointed out (and may have already been) is that you need to be glad that you have a husband who loves you and thinks about you enough that he came to you with this problem that he is dealing with. So many others in that situation would just cheat or leave, or worse, suppress it to the point where it causes problems in other areas. So you've got a good one there in my opinion.

As to his feelings, he cannot help what he feels. He can help what he does about those feelings. And those two realities can cause confusion in a person, as he has brought up to you. You are correct in the concept that a bisexual person can be bisexual without having it affect them being monogamous or in a marriage.

At this point I would say that the first step is to evaluate whether monogamy is the path for each of you or not. Most people are monogamous, but some are only because society has trained them that way and/or they've never been put into a situation to question it. Let me be perfectly clear, I am not encouraging you to take the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) path, nor am I discouraging you too (although you will get many here who will discourage it). I am encouraging you to evaluate for yourself whether this is something that you could or could not do. Because we now are in an age where ENM is a viable choice, and does work for some people. This includes you being monogamous (by choice) with your husband, while he is polyamorous. And yes this is a dynamic that does work for many. Whether or not they would be for you or him is up to you two to decide. He might well decide that ENM is not for him.

If you do decide to go the ENM route, then take it slow. One of the things that will occur, most likely, is him experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which I am sure you are familiar with from when you first started a relationship with your husband. NRE is something that poly people have to be aware of when already in relationships and entering into a new one. It takes effort to make sure you still provide attention to those you already have a relationships with. The other thing is to remember that having romantic feelings for someone does not mean that a relationship is possible. Sadly, that is something even monogamous people are blind to. So even in exploring this path, it might not work out as a romantic liaison between them. There is also the question of whether the friend can deal with ENM.

If you (singularly, not collectively) decide that you cannot do ENM, the question then falls to what is it that he wants. He will have to evaluate which, and who is more important for him. He will have to decide if he can maintain the friendship with the feelings he has. And it can be done. I've done it. Others I know, both poly and mono, have done it. Whether he can or not will be entirely up to him.

Don't be afraid to get professional help with this. This is what they are for; to help you figure out what your true feelings are and help you determine the best course for the two of you.

 

[maquiscat]

I’m sorry you’re in the situation but unfortunately you chose very poorly.
Why would you ever think it was a good idea to marry a gay/by man?
Honestly it’s so basic I don’t even understand. Did you think you were being enlightened? Or that his proclivity from men wasn’t relevant or wouldn’t be an issue?
if you wanted a normal marriage and a normal family dynamic, you should not have married a man with your husbands sexual background/proclivities. It’s really that simple, and unfortunately, there’s no solving this. I think your only viable course of action is to divorce him and find a straight man to marry.

And exactly what makes you think that a straight man is more or less inclined to be faithful, or not develop feelings for other women, other than your stereotyping?. Most bisexual people are monogamous. We have seen here far too often straight people developing feelings for those other than their mate. Bisexuals are no different. The only real difference is the range of potential not the potential itself.

 

[maquiscat]

Is it not clear from my original post that I have only just been informed of his sexuality this evening? All this time I believed he was heterosexual.

No that was not clear in your original post. The line of you have been trying to be supportive in his sexuality indicated that this was known from, if not the beginning, then before now. That doesn't change my advice overall, but it certainly makes a difference in how all is perceived by you.

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

I think OP would be advised to edit her original post or clarify it as it is causing lots of confusion.

 

[maquiscat]

I feel completely stupid to think that I am receiving so many comments stating how blatantly obvious it is that this was never going to work.

You were not stupid. Ignorant maybe, but not stupid. Too may here want to treat hindsight as if it should have been foreknowledge, especially in context of their own experiences. Further, even if you had known outright he was bisexual, given that most bisexuals are monogamous, you still wouldn't have known that this would come up. In the end, this is really no different than if he had developed feelings for another woman. The situation has not changed and it is no different that thousands of others currently experience.

But I’ve not come into this forum for that, I’ve come for a place to express my emotions as I process this news and try to navigate through my thoughts and feelings whilst also doing what is best for my children.

Make sure you think long and hard about this. Keep in mind that this is not a man who cheated on you. This is a man who has been honest with you and has not hidden this from you. He came to you before anything happened, looking for that help and support that I keep reading on this forum is supposed to be the foundation and bedrock of marriage.

I am facing the reality that not only is my husband falling for someone else but that he is also attracted to and has had a past with men long before I came along that until today I was completely unaware of because he portrayed it in a completely different life in an attempt to convince himself that he was someone who he is not.

Did he portray it that way, or is that the way you took it? Most people take what others say within a preconceived framework of their own expectations. He may have been trying to be honest with you about his past and you just took it differently than what he intended. Or he may have just poorly communicated what the truth was. Don't automatically take it as he was trying to deceive or deflect. If he tells you that's what he did, that's one thing. But be willing to admit that you might have hid some of this from yourself, or that he's just a poor communicator.

Forgive me for wanting to feel support rather than what feels like blame to help me through this.

I'm sorry that you have had that experience here. Many here are here because of the problems they have had in the past, and that has shaped them. Some do well and manage to remain unbiased, and others are skewed because of their experiences. Take it all with a grain of salt. There are plenty here who have come through problems and not become jaded or judgemental. They may not be the first ones to come out, but they are here.

 

[maquiscat]

It really irks me when gay men try to "ungay" themselves by entering into a heterosexual marriage. You are more than just a prop in his play. You deserved all the respect afforded to a real person.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I don't see any path where your marriage remains intact. You never really had a marriage--just a piece of paper.

What is the problem with people who can't seem to get it through their heads that bisexual people exist? Why does he have to be a gay man who is trying to "ungay" himself? Bisexual men exist, and some marry women. This is not that hard a concept.

 

[Enigmatic]

It's irrelevant that your husband wants to have sex with another man. People can be bisexual and still honor their marriage vows. The issue here seems to be that your husband is using his attraction to other men as some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card to justify his desire to break his marriage vows. Or perhaps you've just been a convenient beard all these years.

Either way, the question isn't about how you support him "on his journey" (whatever that is supposed to mean) but whether you are willing to be married to a cheater. Because if he hasn't already started a PA with his friend, he soon will.

 

[mumtotwoboys]

Thank you all for your comments; I have found all of them extremely insightful and helpful to some degree. I accept that my original post was a complete ramble of information with important links maybe not being clearly set out and I have tried to clarify points people have questioned as this thread has carried on.

For me right now I have some processing to do, I have reached out to my sister who has given me solid advice and support that anyone in this situation would need from their closest around them.

I have informed my husband that I am feeling many emotions and that I need time to work them out, taking it an hour at a time and focussing on our children to ensure they are not collateral damage to this situation.

I think for him since speaking out it has all become very much new reality and I have made it clear to him that I do not hate him, how can I when he has been open and honest about how he feels, but that I am hurting and as things currently stand, see this as the end of our marriage. He has suggested that he is being stupid to even consider throwing away what we have built over our 9 years together because this is the life he wants and how he will cut this friend out of his life and ‘get over it’ but unfortunately for him the ball is now in my court to decide what is right for me and our children moving forward. Ultimately I don’t want to live a life wondering if he may be suppressing his feelings and emotions for the rest of his life just to keep the family perception going. I deserve more than that and someone who loves me.

 

[Teacherwifemom]

Is it not clear from my original post that I have only just been informed of his sexuality this evening? All this time I believed he was heterosexual.

You said you have always know he enjoyed attention from men and had experiences with them. How can both be true? (That you didn’t know). Edited to see that’s already been addressed.

I suppose after the shock wears off you need to become angry. Angry that he used you to “hide,” angry that he has allowed feelings to grow for someone else, and angry that he allowed two innocent children to be born into a lie. I firmly believe that anger is an easier emotion to navigate through than despair.

He has done you dirty. It doesn’t matter that he was trying to lie to himself. He was aware that he was doing that, but he dragged you into it unknowingly while creating a family with you under false pretenses.

If this was a woman everyone would be screaming he’s a cheater. He’s still a cheater. He’s betrayed your trust, your children and your vows, even if it’s just an EA at this point.

Get mad.

 

[Rob_1]

What is the problem with people who can't seem to get it through their heads that bisexual people exist? Why does he have to be a gay man who is trying to "ungay" himself? Bisexual men exist, and some marry women. This is not that hard a concept.

The problem is that this is a man that has developed feelings for "a friend" of his, and is confused which way to go.

And, the other big problem is that bisexual, homosexual, or whatever sexual flavor of the month these days, this people think that because they are what they are they eventually are pulled to the same sex. This creates problems when in a hetero relationship. And please, do not give me the crap that heteros will also cheat, because we'll, they also will, but that's not an excuse. The problem here is that people that are not heterosexual in a heterosexual relationship will at some point of their life be pulled away. Most of them anyway. That's an extra layer that a heterosexual person needs to consider, regardless of the fact that we humans are not monogamous and we all will feel the pull towards extra mates.

That, plus the fact that to most heterosexual people in this world instinctively will pull away from a relationship with a non heterosexual, what it is we heterosexual don't want those genes to be passed on. It's instintive. That the way the world is, the way is always been regardless of what culture, where in time. We humans want to pass on the best genes that we can, even if we don't consciously realize it. Everything else is just social noise for acceptance of something we don't want, period.

 

[DudeInProgress]

What is the problem with people who can't seem to get it through their heads that bisexual people exist? Why does he have to be a gay man who is trying to "ungay" himself? Bisexual men exist, and some marry women. This is not that hard a concept.

And generally (almost always) straight people don’t want to be married to them.
I realize that’s an odd concept in your circles, but for the vast majority of the population, most women aren’t interested in being with dudes who also like other dudes.

 

[In Absentia]

I think for him since speaking out it has all become very much new reality and I have made it clear to him that I do not hate him, how can I when he has been open and honest about how he feels, but that I am hurting and as things currently stand, see this as the end of our marriage.

You see... he knew what was happening with his friend and he allowed it to happen and developed feelings for him. He should have stopped well before this happened. But he didn't, because he liked it. This is my interpretation, of course, but it seems pretty obvious to me.

 

[Julie's Husband]

It really irks me when gay men try to "ungay" themselves by entering into a heterosexual marriage. You are more than just a prop in his play. You deserved all the respect afforded to a real person.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I don't see any path where your marriage remains intact. You never really had a marriage--just a piece of paper.

Not just men. A very close friend was left the single parent of a young son when his wife decided she is lesbian and moved on. My friend is not a man who should have had to go through this.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Thank you all for your comments; I have found all of them extremely insightful and helpful to some degree. I accept that my original post was a complete ramble of information with important links maybe not being clearly set out and I have tried to clarify points people have questioned as this thread has carried on.

For me right now I have some processing to do, I have reached out to my sister who has given me solid advice and support that anyone in this situation would need from their closest around them.

I have informed my husband that I am feeling many emotions and that I need time to work them out, taking it an hour at a time and focussing on our children to ensure they are not collateral damage to this situation.

I think for him since speaking out it has all become very much new reality and I have made it clear to him that I do not hate him, how can I when he has been open and honest about how he feels, but that I am hurting and as things currently stand, see this as the end of our marriage. He has suggested that he is being stupid to even consider throwing away what we have built over our 9 years together because this is the life he wants and how he will cut this friend out of his life and ‘get over it’ but unfortunately for him the ball is now in my court to decide what is right for me and our children moving forward. Ultimately I don’t want to live a life wondering if he may be suppressing his feelings and emotions for the rest of his life just to keep the family perception going. I deserve more than that and someone who loves me.

You do deserve more, and better.

Obviously his sexuality is in play here, but really, I think you can set it aside for the moment. It doesn't matter the gender, he has fallen for someone other than his spouse. He is in an emotional affair. Does your level of acceptance of that hinge on the gender of the other person? It is great that he opened up to you about it, bad that he ever let himself get to that point to begin with. He has already breached the trust between husband and wife.

Like with all affairs, if you want to stay together and want to be in a monogamous relationship then he needs to go 100% no contact with his AP. I don't know why you would want to do the "pick me dance" trying to compete for the affection you were already promised, but that is your choice.

Now, back to his sexuality. Yep, love blinded you. Somewhere inside I suspect you knew about his sexuality, at least a little. I suspect love made you look past a lot of red flags. Try not to let love do that to you again. If he cuts off the AP and is 100% in for repairing the marriage, do you think you will ever be sexually satisfied by him? He's already cut you off, right? Do you think you have a chance of fixing that issue? You really need to think about how much work this will be with a very low chance of success. You would be undertaking the task of recovering from an affair as well as dealing with a sexual identity crisis, all while raising two small children. That is a monumental undertaking and do you think it can happen without negatively impacting your children?

 

[TinyTbone]

That is exactly the situation.

Miss, this is a very upsetting, scary and confusing time for the both of you. Other than the discussion of his real sexuality, have you both discussed, where do we go from this? Does he wish to continue being monogamous with you? Does he desire to pursue a relationship with men?
if, as he says, he has developed feeling for this friend, then he has undoubtedly announced the direction his body and mind wish to go.
Does he love you? Definitely. Is that love expressed in the intimate way a marriage needs? No. This is killing you and the marriage.
Please don't be angry at alot of the answers here. We know its tough enough sometimes in marriage, but this puts pain on a whole different level. It leads one to doubt themselves and question everything we thought we felt and knew about our mate and ourselves. It's certainly not what either of you had signed on for.
You are both deeply hurting about all this. Then you look at your children and ugly cry more for them and the pain and confusion they are going to feel when the dust settles. Your a mother, he's a father and this will never change, nor the love of your children.
I'd suggest support by seeing a couples therapist to feel your way through whats happening now. There is no magic wand to wave here and un-gay him! He is who he is and is finally coming to grips with this. He too is feeling the pain of fooling you and himself by the marriage to show he's normal. He's also in deep pain about his children to. They are his as well and he feels just as much love as any father and knows how crushing the storm coming is going to be for them.
This is a tough time for you both. Go to couples counseling. Do not get on the pain-go-round! Dont start the blame game and who's wrong, who lied, or any of these things. There must be empathy by each of you.
Love was never the issue, sexuality is. Be caring and kind to each other. Deeply discuss where this is going as to each of yours desires. Make a mutual agreement as to the end outcome, whatever this may be. Please no mud slinging at each other!

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

What is the problem with people who can't seem to get it through their heads that bisexual people exist? Why does he have to be a gay man who is trying to "ungay" himself? Bisexual men exist, and some marry women. This is not that hard a concept.

Should they, though? If you are attracted to men, you are gonna be unsatisfied spending the rest of your life with a woman. There will always be something missing (literally). At best you are honest and leave before you cheat but that creates a broken home which sucks for kids too. Either way, it's not a good idea to marry and hope to pray the gay away.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

Should they, though? If you are attracted to men, you are gonna be unsatisfied spending the rest of your life with a woman. There will always be something missing (literally). At best you are honest and leave before you cheat but that creates a broken home which sucks for kids too. Either way, it's not a good idea to marry and hope to pray the gay away.

If you are attracted to women will you be unsatisfied with the same woman for the rest of your life? Maybe, maybe not. I don't think it is any different for someone that is bi-sexual. The only difference is the pool of potential affair partners it larger, but that shouldn't have any bearing on whether a person remains faithful or not.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Are you employed? I asked this right up front because this is often the main thing that keeps women in a situation they are not comfortable with. If you're not employed, you need to be.

I know it's him that's pulling back, but how long has the sex ceasefire been going on?

Just because he has sexual feelings for men is not a hall pass on a marriage, but if you have been in a sexless marriage for very long, then all this talk about monogamy is kind of a moot point if there's just no sex going on anyway. But if that is a recent development because of him developing feelings for this man, it makes it no different than when a married man married falls for another woman.

If there has been no sex going on for a long time and you are okay with that, which is not entirely clear, that's a different situation than if you are accustomed to having sex with your husband until recently but now his affections are elsewhere.

I had a close gay male friend that I've sort of been through this with after he married a woman. When I knew him he had married a first wife young and divorced, but then the whole time I knew him, he seemed exclusively gay. So I was surprised when he fell for a woman and married her, so he must have been bi. But he was attracted to more men than women.

After they had been married for some years both of them were having horrible health problems, surgeries and all, and so sex was very limited and probably just not happening a lot of the time. He started getting a yearning for men again and would tell me this over the phone because he lived in another state. And then the worst thing was he had not told his wife that he used to live a gay lifestyle, so that came out and she was like, Don't ever touch me again.

I actually went and spent some time with them and talked to them both. They had a nice life together except for all these horrible health problems which eventually killed him, a cancer undiagnosed because they attributed the pain to his hip replacement.

But for her, the sex was over entirely once she found out, and of course she was very unhappy with him for hiding that from her. I do not know if he went and cheated on her, but it wouldn't surprise me.

They did not have children.

You need to be honest with him about how this would affect you staying in the marriage and/or your sex life. You should be very blunt with him if going to someone else for outside sex or relationship is a total deal breaker that will end in divorce so that he knows the consequences.

This thing may fizzle, but I would kind of be surprised if it fizzled before something sexual happened between them, but then I don't know your husband and his ethics.

It's a complicated situation with the children and with you trying to sort out how you feel about it and what you should do and what sort of stance you should take. But you should concentrate on what YOU would want to do about it more than his problems and keep him up to date on how this is going to affect everything and what you will and won't stay put for.

Here is a link about shared child custody norms in the UK.

https://www.custodyxchange.com/locations/uk/residence-contact-schedule.php#:~:text=Shared%20parenting%20is%20increasingly%20common,50%20division%20of%20parenting%20time

.

Like the US it basically says it is trending toward 50/50 custody.
I would just tell you not to panic and have a knee-jerk reaction thinking that you should get sole custody or most of the custody or anything like that, and I say that for two reasons.

One is that the kids still need their father. And one is that it would leave you with an unfair burden. So don't let your fear of the situation prevent you from seeing to it that he still takes 50% responsibility for spending time with and raising the kids. The way it's typically done is the weekdays and the weekends are split equally between the parents so that not just one of the parents has to see to getting the child to school and doing all the daily practical stuff for the child but that those responsibilities are truly shared.

Another big thing you have to address with him and maybe legally is when either divorcing party with child custody has the children, it is never good to have strangers that you may or may not be dating in the house around them. It's not safe, male or female. So if it ever comes down to that, you need to get some kind of agreement that the children will not be introduced or have strangers around them until there is plenty of time to know who those people are. And that goes for you as well as him.

If he realizes the reality of the situation of sharing custody and how much that will affect his lifestyle, he may lose any desire to disrupt the marriage. Right now I bet anything his mindset is that you will just take care of the kids while he goes and does what he has to do with this relationship. But if you let him think that he can go off and do whatever he wants and then see the children when it's convenient and no responsibility getting them to school and seeing to their meals or taking them to the doctor, that is only enabling him. So you keep sharing custody on the table and be sure he realizes that he will be responsible for them 50% of the time or close to it and that you will not be an on call babysitter but will stick to your custody schedule.

If I were you I would even show him that article so he starts realizing what reality is like and then I would talk to him about no strangers around the kids.

At least if you did a formal divorce you could get all these agreements legalized and in writing so that you wouldn't be haggling about it like you would if you just decide to open the marriage because then there is no provision for child custody and who takes care of the kids.

The 50/50 custody arrangement gives you both an opportunity to work and support yourselves. And you're going to need to work if you aren't already.

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

If you are attracted to women will you be unsatisfied with the same woman for the rest of your life? Maybe, maybe not. I don't think it is any different for someone that is bi-sexual. The only difference is the pool of potential affair partners it larger, but that shouldn't have any bearing on whether a person remains faithful or not.

I think it depends on sexual satisfaction levels. If you have a healthy bedroom, I would believe there is less likelihood to cheat. If you have a bedroom where something is clearly missing then there is a greater propensity. I would say the same for those that are stuck in dead bedroom marriages.

 

[BigDaddyNY]

I think it depends on sexual satisfaction levels. If you have a healthy bedroom, I would believe there is less likelihood to cheat. If you have a bedroom where something is clearly missing then there is a greater propensity. I would say the same for those that are stuck in dead bedroom marriages.

Does that really change if you are straight, bi or homosexual? I would think satisfaction levels will vary regardless of sexual preference. Would a bisexual man be more likely to cheat on his husband than a full fledged gay man?