My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 4 of them. We have two young children aged 2 and 1 years so to say we’ve had a pretty intense couple of years is an understatement. We’ve lost our relationship since becoming parents and it has taken its toll on us. We’re not sexually activel right now and our relationship is strained. I naively thought that this is just what married couples experience when there are very young and demanding children in the mix and believe you come back to each other more as the children grow older. I have always known that my husband has enjoyed attention from men and has in the past (younger years) had experiences with men. Tonight he has informed me that he has battled with his sexuality for as long as he can remember and recently has been getting close to his openly gay friend who is unhappy in his relationship and has made clear to my husband that he would have him in a heartbeat if my husband ever wanted to go there. We’ve had this person over to our house on two occasions now for dinner at our house. I have tried to be supportive of my husband and accepted his sexuality as it is his journey and really has no affect on our marriage, or that was my thinking as he has chosen me to spend his life with. However, as we got deeper into conversation about this he has informed me that he is developing feelings for his friend and he is feeling confused about this. He explained it in a way that he wished there were two of him so one could be with me to continue our life which on the outside looking in is everything anyone could dream of or want in a family life and the other half of him could be with his friend who he is developing feelings for. I’m not really sure how to feel, react or support him on his journey knowing he feels this way for his friend. He said he needs his friend in his life as he helps him so much for not judging him and being a good friend and does not wish to feel romantic feelings towards him but cannot help how his feelings are becoming for the friend. I’m so confused and worried about my future and just feel as though my life is crashing down in front of me and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I’m scared about how life will be for my children and I cannot imagine my life without the man I love and married. I also have no one to turn to as I feel this isn’t something I can discuss with anyone as we only have mutual friends and no one but this friend or I know about my husbands sexuality so I do not want to put him.
mumtotwoboys
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I’m sorry you’re in the situation but unfortunately you chose very poorly.
Why would you ever think it was a good idea to marry a gay/by man?
Honestly it’s so basic I don’t even understand. Did you think you were being enlightened? Or that his proclivity from men wasn’t relevant or wouldn’t be an issue?
if you wanted a normal marriage and a normal family dynamic, you should not have married a man with your husbands sexual background/proclivities. It’s really that simple, and unfortunately, there’s no solving this. I think your only viable course of action is to divorce him and find a straight man to marry.
Why would you ever think it was a good idea to marry a gay/by man?
Honestly it’s so basic I don’t even understand. Did you think you were being enlightened? Or that his proclivity from men wasn’t relevant or wouldn’t be an issue?
if you wanted a normal marriage and a normal family dynamic, you should not have married a man with your husbands sexual background/proclivities. It’s really that simple, and unfortunately, there’s no solving this. I think your only viable course of action is to divorce him and find a straight man to marry.
You first wrote:
This is contradictory to what you're saying now. You knew he did have experiences with men in the past.
A man that have sexual experiences with other men when "younger" does not correlate with being completely heterosexual.
Sooner or later those latent homosexual traits comes up. That a fact of life you should know by now.
First, you are simply dead wrong in your assumption that ANY man, straight, gay or bi, would simply just be OK being celibate just because children have come into the picture. Regardless of his orientation, making him live in a sexless marriage is going to greatly exasperate any underlying relationship issues to a critical level.
What would your reaction be if he started bringing some other woman around the house and spending lots of quality time with her and admitting his feelings for her and that she had indicated she would take him in a heart beat after you had cut him off sexually for a long time?
Would you be cool with that?
Does the fact that this is another man, make any real difference?
Do you even care? If you do not have any interest in him, does it really matter to you if he gets with someone else sexually as long as he continues to do his chores around the house??
What would your reaction be if he started bringing some other woman around the house and spending lots of quality time with her and admitting his feelings for her and that she had indicated she would take him in a heart beat after you had cut him off sexually for a long time?
Would you be cool with that?
Does the fact that this is another man, make any real difference?
Do you even care? If you do not have any interest in him, does it really matter to you if he gets with someone else sexually as long as he continues to do his chores around the house??
No it isn't, because you said this 👇
Your husband is likely gay, and was trying to hide it by being married with the two kids and devoted wife. You can tell him that you'll leave if he doesn't cut off all contact with his "friend", but that won't solve the underlying issue - that he is gay.
Going back to your OP. Your husband has never been a heterosexual man. I just can't get over my head that you were thinking that it was nothing. This statement reeks so much if naivety:
When, and if he hasn't yet starts to having sex with men again you'll be exposing yourself to an STD if you have sex with him. Do you want that? Do you want to put your health at risk?
His desires for men will never go away, no matters what he might tell you or promises you. That's his nature. Now that you are truly enlightened about his sexuality is up to you to put up with what's coming. Most of these type of people eventually will leave their partner to be in a homosexual relationship. That's the reality of it.
Now, is up to you whether you want to accept reality, or else. Your choice (at least for sometime), until the day comes when he takes that choice away from you.
You are not thinking right here. I just can't get how, where, you got the notion that marriage to a homosexual, bisexual, or whatever sexual they go by these days is OK for someone looking to have a heterosexual marriage.
When, and if he hasn't yet starts to having sex with men again you'll be exposing yourself to an STD if you have sex with him. Do you want that? Do you want to put your health at risk?
His desires for men will never go away, no matters what he might tell you or promises you. That's his nature. Now that you are truly enlightened about his sexuality is up to you to put up with what's coming. Most of these type of people eventually will leave their partner to be in a homosexual relationship. That's the reality of it.
Now, is up to you whether you want to accept reality, or else. Your choice (at least for sometime), until the day comes when he takes that choice away from you.
We can all disagree and debate about his sexual past, if you should have known, or who is responsible for you sex starved marriage at this point with two young children. The point is that is all in the past.
You are living in the present and you need to figure out your future.
My advice to you is for you to focus on your future and your children's future. First, thing that I would recommend is that you have a long talk with your husband. I would start by telling him that the two of your married each other and in so doing you took vows and made promises to each other. This is the time for you to set some boundaries on your relationship, that should have been explicitly set much earlier.
The first boundary is that to you marriage means monogamy. That means he is only to have emotional affairs and physical affairs with his wife, period, end of story. If he can't do that then the marriage between the two of you is doomed to failure. Make sure he understands that this is not debatable and is not something that you can forgive or look the other way. Let him know if he feels he can't live with that boundary, the two of you can work toward a divorce. I would further suggest that you tell him that he helped create two young children and you expect him to help raise them and be a father to them. I would further suggest you tell him that there are lots of sexually transmitted diseases out there and that it is totally unacceptable for him to have sex outside of marriage, as it would endanger both his life, your life and ultimately it is the two of you that provide for the safety and well being of your children.
He needs to decide whether he wants to have a wife and family in his future or to explore his sexuality outside of the bounds of marriage. This forum is Talk about Marriage and what they need him to understand is what the commitments of marriage include.
Good luck. Yes, I am sure this is confusing. Focus on the future and especially if you and your H have a future. If you are really unsure and he is as lost as you seem to be, then suggest that the two of you do some marriage counseling with a marriage counselor who is also a board certified sex therapist. The sex therapist can explain to him what marriage is suppose to be and help him figure out what he might loose if he can't commit to monogamy with his wife.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's terrible, also considering you have small children. What can I say about your husband? I understand that he's been suppressing his feelings, but he shouldn't have married you in the first place. I don't think there is much you can do. That ship has sailed, so to speak. Maybe you can arrange some individual counselling?
It really irks me when gay men try to "ungay" themselves by entering into a heterosexual marriage. You are more than just a prop in his play. You deserved all the respect afforded to a real person.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I don't see any path where your marriage remains intact. You never really had a marriage--just a piece of paper.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I don't see any path where your marriage remains intact. You never really had a marriage--just a piece of paper.
One of the first things that I feel needs to be pointed out (and may have already been) is that you need to be glad that you have a husband who loves you and thinks about you enough that he came to you with this problem that he is dealing with. So many others in that situation would just cheat or leave, or worse, suppress it to the point where it causes problems in other areas. So you've got a good one there in my opinion.
As to his feelings, he cannot help what he feels. He can help what he does about those feelings. And those two realities can cause confusion in a person, as he has brought up to you. You are correct in the concept that a bisexual person can be bisexual without having it affect them being monogamous or in a marriage.
At this point I would say that the first step is to evaluate whether monogamy is the path for each of you or not. Most people are monogamous, but some are only because society has trained them that way and/or they've never been put into a situation to question it. Let me be perfectly clear, I am not encouraging you to take the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) path, nor am I discouraging you too (although you will get many here who will discourage it). I am encouraging you to evaluate for yourself whether this is something that you could or could not do. Because we now are in an age where ENM is a viable choice, and does work for some people. This includes you being monogamous (by choice) with your husband, while he is polyamorous. And yes this is a dynamic that does work for many. Whether or not they would be for you or him is up to you two to decide. He might well decide that ENM is not for him.
If you do decide to go the ENM route, then take it slow. One of the things that will occur, most likely, is him experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which I am sure you are familiar with from when you first started a relationship with your husband. NRE is something that poly people have to be aware of when already in relationships and entering into a new one. It takes effort to make sure you still provide attention to those you already have a relationships with. The other thing is to remember that having romantic feelings for someone does not mean that a relationship is possible. Sadly, that is something even monogamous people are blind to. So even in exploring this path, it might not work out as a romantic liaison between them. There is also the question of whether the friend can deal with ENM.
If you (singularly, not collectively) decide that you cannot do ENM, the question then falls to what is it that he wants. He will have to evaluate which, and who is more important for him. He will have to decide if he can maintain the friendship with the feelings he has. And it can be done. I've done it. Others I know, both poly and mono, have done it. Whether he can or not will be entirely up to him.
Don't be afraid to get professional help with this. This is what they are for; to help you figure out what your true feelings are and help you determine the best course for the two of you.
As to his feelings, he cannot help what he feels. He can help what he does about those feelings. And those two realities can cause confusion in a person, as he has brought up to you. You are correct in the concept that a bisexual person can be bisexual without having it affect them being monogamous or in a marriage.
At this point I would say that the first step is to evaluate whether monogamy is the path for each of you or not. Most people are monogamous, but some are only because society has trained them that way and/or they've never been put into a situation to question it. Let me be perfectly clear, I am not encouraging you to take the Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) path, nor am I discouraging you too (although you will get many here who will discourage it). I am encouraging you to evaluate for yourself whether this is something that you could or could not do. Because we now are in an age where ENM is a viable choice, and does work for some people. This includes you being monogamous (by choice) with your husband, while he is polyamorous. And yes this is a dynamic that does work for many. Whether or not they would be for you or him is up to you two to decide. He might well decide that ENM is not for him.
If you do decide to go the ENM route, then take it slow. One of the things that will occur, most likely, is him experiencing New Relationship Energy (NRE), which I am sure you are familiar with from when you first started a relationship with your husband. NRE is something that poly people have to be aware of when already in relationships and entering into a new one. It takes effort to make sure you still provide attention to those you already have a relationships with. The other thing is to remember that having romantic feelings for someone does not mean that a relationship is possible. Sadly, that is something even monogamous people are blind to. So even in exploring this path, it might not work out as a romantic liaison between them. There is also the question of whether the friend can deal with ENM.
If you (singularly, not collectively) decide that you cannot do ENM, the question then falls to what is it that he wants. He will have to evaluate which, and who is more important for him. He will have to decide if he can maintain the friendship with the feelings he has. And it can be done. I've done it. Others I know, both poly and mono, have done it. Whether he can or not will be entirely up to him.
Don't be afraid to get professional help with this. This is what they are for; to help you figure out what your true feelings are and help you determine the best course for the two of you.
It's irrelevant that your husband wants to have sex with another man. People can be bisexual and still honor their marriage vows. The issue here seems to be that your husband is using his attraction to other men as some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card to justify his desire to break his marriage vows. Or perhaps you've just been a convenient beard all these years.
Either way, the question isn't about how you support him "on his journey" (whatever that is supposed to mean) but whether you are willing to be married to a cheater. Because if he hasn't already started a PA with his friend, he soon will.
Either way, the question isn't about how you support him "on his journey" (whatever that is supposed to mean) but whether you are willing to be married to a cheater. Because if he hasn't already started a PA with his friend, he soon will.
Thank you all for your comments; I have found all of them extremely insightful and helpful to some degree. I accept that my original post was a complete ramble of information with important links maybe not being clearly set out and I have tried to clarify points people have questioned as this thread has carried on.
For me right now I have some processing to do, I have reached out to my sister who has given me solid advice and support that anyone in this situation would need from their closest around them.
I have informed my husband that I am feeling many emotions and that I need time to work them out, taking it an hour at a time and focussing on our children to ensure they are not collateral damage to this situation.
I think for him since speaking out it has all become very much new reality and I have made it clear to him that I do not hate him, how can I when he has been open and honest about how he feels, but that I am hurting and as things currently stand, see this as the end of our marriage. He has suggested that he is being stupid to even consider throwing away what we have built over our 9 years together because this is the life he wants and how he will cut this friend out of his life and ‘get over it’ but unfortunately for him the ball is now in my court to decide what is right for me and our children moving forward. Ultimately I don’t want to live a life wondering if he may be suppressing his feelings and emotions for the rest of his life just to keep the family perception going. I deserve more than that and someone who loves me.
For me right now I have some processing to do, I have reached out to my sister who has given me solid advice and support that anyone in this situation would need from their closest around them.
I have informed my husband that I am feeling many emotions and that I need time to work them out, taking it an hour at a time and focussing on our children to ensure they are not collateral damage to this situation.
I think for him since speaking out it has all become very much new reality and I have made it clear to him that I do not hate him, how can I when he has been open and honest about how he feels, but that I am hurting and as things currently stand, see this as the end of our marriage. He has suggested that he is being stupid to even consider throwing away what we have built over our 9 years together because this is the life he wants and how he will cut this friend out of his life and ‘get over it’ but unfortunately for him the ball is now in my court to decide what is right for me and our children moving forward. Ultimately I don’t want to live a life wondering if he may be suppressing his feelings and emotions for the rest of his life just to keep the family perception going. I deserve more than that and someone who loves me.
You see... he knew what was happening with his friend and he allowed it to happen and developed feelings for him. He should have stopped well before this happened. But he didn't, because he liked it. This is my interpretation, of course, but it seems pretty obvious to me.
Are you employed? I asked this right up front because this is often the main thing that keeps women in a situation they are not comfortable with. If you're not employed, you need to be.
I know it's him that's pulling back, but how long has the sex ceasefire been going on?
Just because he has sexual feelings for men is not a hall pass on a marriage, but if you have been in a sexless marriage for very long, then all this talk about monogamy is kind of a moot point if there's just no sex going on anyway. But if that is a recent development because of him developing feelings for this man, it makes it no different than when a married man married falls for another woman.
If there has been no sex going on for a long time and you are okay with that, which is not entirely clear, that's a different situation than if you are accustomed to having sex with your husband until recently but now his affections are elsewhere.
I had a close gay male friend that I've sort of been through this with after he married a woman. When I knew him he had married a first wife young and divorced, but then the whole time I knew him, he seemed exclusively gay. So I was surprised when he fell for a woman and married her, so he must have been bi. But he was attracted to more men than women.
After they had been married for some years both of them were having horrible health problems, surgeries and all, and so sex was very limited and probably just not happening a lot of the time. He started getting a yearning for men again and would tell me this over the phone because he lived in another state. And then the worst thing was he had not told his wife that he used to live a gay lifestyle, so that came out and she was like, Don't ever touch me again.
I actually went and spent some time with them and talked to them both. They had a nice life together except for all these horrible health problems which eventually killed him, a cancer undiagnosed because they attributed the pain to his hip replacement.
But for her, the sex was over entirely once she found out, and of course she was very unhappy with him for hiding that from her. I do not know if he went and cheated on her, but it wouldn't surprise me.
They did not have children.
You need to be honest with him about how this would affect you staying in the marriage and/or your sex life. You should be very blunt with him if going to someone else for outside sex or relationship is a total deal breaker that will end in divorce so that he knows the consequences.
This thing may fizzle, but I would kind of be surprised if it fizzled before something sexual happened between them, but then I don't know your husband and his ethics.
It's a complicated situation with the children and with you trying to sort out how you feel about it and what you should do and what sort of stance you should take. But you should concentrate on what YOU would want to do about it more than his problems and keep him up to date on how this is going to affect everything and what you will and won't stay put for.
Here is a link about shared child custody norms in the UK.
.
Like the US it basically says it is trending toward 50/50 custody.
I would just tell you not to panic and have a knee-jerk reaction thinking that you should get sole custody or most of the custody or anything like that, and I say that for two reasons.
One is that the kids still need their father. And one is that it would leave you with an unfair burden. So don't let your fear of the situation prevent you from seeing to it that he still takes 50% responsibility for spending time with and raising the kids. The way it's typically done is the weekdays and the weekends are split equally between the parents so that not just one of the parents has to see to getting the child to school and doing all the daily practical stuff for the child but that those responsibilities are truly shared.
Another big thing you have to address with him and maybe legally is when either divorcing party with child custody has the children, it is never good to have strangers that you may or may not be dating in the house around them. It's not safe, male or female. So if it ever comes down to that, you need to get some kind of agreement that the children will not be introduced or have strangers around them until there is plenty of time to know who those people are. And that goes for you as well as him.
If he realizes the reality of the situation of sharing custody and how much that will affect his lifestyle, he may lose any desire to disrupt the marriage. Right now I bet anything his mindset is that you will just take care of the kids while he goes and does what he has to do with this relationship. But if you let him think that he can go off and do whatever he wants and then see the children when it's convenient and no responsibility getting them to school and seeing to their meals or taking them to the doctor, that is only enabling him. So you keep sharing custody on the table and be sure he realizes that he will be responsible for them 50% of the time or close to it and that you will not be an on call babysitter but will stick to your custody schedule.
If I were you I would even show him that article so he starts realizing what reality is like and then I would talk to him about no strangers around the kids.
At least if you did a formal divorce you could get all these agreements legalized and in writing so that you wouldn't be haggling about it like you would if you just decide to open the marriage because then there is no provision for child custody and who takes care of the kids.
The 50/50 custody arrangement gives you both an opportunity to work and support yourselves. And you're going to need to work if you aren't already.
I know it's him that's pulling back, but how long has the sex ceasefire been going on?
Just because he has sexual feelings for men is not a hall pass on a marriage, but if you have been in a sexless marriage for very long, then all this talk about monogamy is kind of a moot point if there's just no sex going on anyway. But if that is a recent development because of him developing feelings for this man, it makes it no different than when a married man married falls for another woman.
If there has been no sex going on for a long time and you are okay with that, which is not entirely clear, that's a different situation than if you are accustomed to having sex with your husband until recently but now his affections are elsewhere.
I had a close gay male friend that I've sort of been through this with after he married a woman. When I knew him he had married a first wife young and divorced, but then the whole time I knew him, he seemed exclusively gay. So I was surprised when he fell for a woman and married her, so he must have been bi. But he was attracted to more men than women.
After they had been married for some years both of them were having horrible health problems, surgeries and all, and so sex was very limited and probably just not happening a lot of the time. He started getting a yearning for men again and would tell me this over the phone because he lived in another state. And then the worst thing was he had not told his wife that he used to live a gay lifestyle, so that came out and she was like, Don't ever touch me again.
I actually went and spent some time with them and talked to them both. They had a nice life together except for all these horrible health problems which eventually killed him, a cancer undiagnosed because they attributed the pain to his hip replacement.
But for her, the sex was over entirely once she found out, and of course she was very unhappy with him for hiding that from her. I do not know if he went and cheated on her, but it wouldn't surprise me.
They did not have children.
You need to be honest with him about how this would affect you staying in the marriage and/or your sex life. You should be very blunt with him if going to someone else for outside sex or relationship is a total deal breaker that will end in divorce so that he knows the consequences.
This thing may fizzle, but I would kind of be surprised if it fizzled before something sexual happened between them, but then I don't know your husband and his ethics.
It's a complicated situation with the children and with you trying to sort out how you feel about it and what you should do and what sort of stance you should take. But you should concentrate on what YOU would want to do about it more than his problems and keep him up to date on how this is going to affect everything and what you will and won't stay put for.
Here is a link about shared child custody norms in the UK.
.
Like the US it basically says it is trending toward 50/50 custody.
I would just tell you not to panic and have a knee-jerk reaction thinking that you should get sole custody or most of the custody or anything like that, and I say that for two reasons.
One is that the kids still need their father. And one is that it would leave you with an unfair burden. So don't let your fear of the situation prevent you from seeing to it that he still takes 50% responsibility for spending time with and raising the kids. The way it's typically done is the weekdays and the weekends are split equally between the parents so that not just one of the parents has to see to getting the child to school and doing all the daily practical stuff for the child but that those responsibilities are truly shared.
Another big thing you have to address with him and maybe legally is when either divorcing party with child custody has the children, it is never good to have strangers that you may or may not be dating in the house around them. It's not safe, male or female. So if it ever comes down to that, you need to get some kind of agreement that the children will not be introduced or have strangers around them until there is plenty of time to know who those people are. And that goes for you as well as him.
If he realizes the reality of the situation of sharing custody and how much that will affect his lifestyle, he may lose any desire to disrupt the marriage. Right now I bet anything his mindset is that you will just take care of the kids while he goes and does what he has to do with this relationship. But if you let him think that he can go off and do whatever he wants and then see the children when it's convenient and no responsibility getting them to school and seeing to their meals or taking them to the doctor, that is only enabling him. So you keep sharing custody on the table and be sure he realizes that he will be responsible for them 50% of the time or close to it and that you will not be an on call babysitter but will stick to your custody schedule.
If I were you I would even show him that article so he starts realizing what reality is like and then I would talk to him about no strangers around the kids.
At least if you did a formal divorce you could get all these agreements legalized and in writing so that you wouldn't be haggling about it like you would if you just decide to open the marriage because then there is no provision for child custody and who takes care of the kids.
The 50/50 custody arrangement gives you both an opportunity to work and support yourselves. And you're going to need to work if you aren't already.
The old adage is that if you love someone set them free. If they come back then they are yours. If they don't they were never yours to begin with. If you love him as you say... If you said his sexuality was his to explore...let him explore it...away from you. Remember you are the example for your kids. If you want them to know you will be accepting of them if they decide they are gay, your treatment of their dad through the divorce process will be critical. But you also want to example to them that you are deserving of a monogamous heterosexual relationship that their father cannot, or won't, provide.
I also feel bad for your husband because he will want to coparent and I believe that his "friend" will not be supportive. There is so much more to a relationship than just sex but your husband can't see that right now. He can say he wants to be true to himself but when reality sets in I don't know that he will be happier.
I also feel bad for your husband because he will want to coparent and I believe that his "friend" will not be supportive. There is so much more to a relationship than just sex but your husband can't see that right now. He can say he wants to be true to himself but when reality sets in I don't know that he will be happier.
@mumtotwoboys Your husband doesn't have to have sex with anyone else. I really wanted to have sex with a female colleague at a former employer. But I never did. Why? Because I knew it would have been a bad thing to do.
@mumtotwoboys If his best friend were a woman, it'd be wrong. His best friend is a man and it's still wrong. Cheating is cheating.
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and advice. A week on, I am so clear of my path. I see only myself and my children who I need to prioritise. Working out the logistics and financials of that is the scary part but this is not something that needs to be rushed.
I choose self love going forward and making my boys proud of me.
Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings, go through the motions (I know there are many more to come) and gain clarity on my situation.
Be at peace with the truth you can’t change!
I choose self love going forward and making my boys proud of me.
Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings, go through the motions (I know there are many more to come) and gain clarity on my situation.
Be at peace with the truth you can’t change!
If you were to split right now. Don't be so surprised as to whom his new partner (the friend or another male)would be almost immediately.
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