[MattMatt]

Think before you act. Take time to eat and breathe.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Chaparral]

If you haven't already, you need to contact his wife/girlfriend.

 

[harrybrown]

So has she gone NC with the sperm donor?

Has she written you a timeline of the affair? (and diary)

Has she been tested for stds?

Have you informed the sperm donors wife?

She will trickle-truth you. Do not stand for it.

 

[CASE_Sensitive]

Does O/M ever see stepson?
the real crap part is that O/M has a son with your WW, you have a daughter with her.....she'll have to be in contact with both of you.

 

[jack.c]

Thanks for the replies. I am too upset to make decisions right now so I'm trying so hard to stay rational. She's begging and crying to give her a chance and she will spend the rest of her life making it up. She wants to see a counselor. I just don't know how I can ever get the picture of them two together out of my head

PLEASE RE-READ WHAT YOU WROTE FIRST:

my wife has been cheating on me for the past year...

We are talking about 1 year!! not 1 month or week or day, BUT 1 YEAR! Now.... after 1 year she cry's? REALLY???
Take all the time you need to think straight, but start doing it with the 180

 

[Healer]

I need to let the shock wear off...I'm still thinking I am imagining this and it's not real.....I'm hurt, angry, and scared and just typing this is difficult....I feel like I'm watching myself from the outside...

Been there brother. You're in for probably the roughest ride of your life.

One very important thing that a lot of vets on this forum told me when I was first knifed in the heart was "you don't need to make any decisions right now". This is so true. You are in shock - literally.

You need to stay as calm as possible, be sure you have all the evidence, and follow the advice you get here.

Take control. You are in control of your life, not her. You WILL get through this. But it is going to hurt like hell.

Stay calm, objective, and listen to the vets on this forum. Sadly, yours in not a unique situation - even though it feels like you're the only one in the world who is going through this. You're not alone.

 

[lordmayhem]

I rarely ever post in the forum anymore, but for some reason, your story piqued my interest. So I started going thru all your threads and posts and noticed that the red flags that indicate an affair were right there, but you didn't see them for what they were. Don't feel bad about that, most BS's miss the red flags even when they are staring them in the face. But lets go over your posts and see.

To all the women who have had sex with their husbands just to shut them up, what are you thinking during that time? I hate when I initiate sex and my wife is tired at tells me "fine just hurry up i'm tired" and lies there like a dead log.

I'd rather not even do it and i know shes only doing it so i dont get upset. I tried it before but you feel like the ultimate ********* when you're trying to enjoy yourself and your wife just has that "are you done yet?" look on her face.

I've always wondered what the hell she is thinking about the every few times i've actually done it this way

Sad to say, she was most likely thinking about her OM and wanting you to hurry up and finish. There was a thread about this in the old cheater forum, the old d o c c o o l forum, and the thread was about "Has sex with your affair partner ruined you for sex with your spouse?", or something similar, and the majority of cheating wives answered that it did. That they gritted their teeth when having sex with their husbands. One even posted that she felt violated having sex with her betrayed husband.

My wife goes out once a week with her friends and I'm fine with that. Myself, I enjoy being in my mancave. Honestly, I dont have many friends and the ones I do have live to far away to do anything with.

She keeps wanting me to go out and do something. I like being at home, and I built my mancave so I could have someplace to unwind at.

I just dont understand why she wants me to go out so bad. I understand the need to get out away from the spouse from time to time but I would really have no where to go....I'm not a hermit or anything so I just dont know why she keeps telling me to go out somewhere.

So she was going out on GNOs with her toxic friends, then wanted you to go out too. And how do you know that she was going out on GNOs and not meeting her OM? Many toxic friends will cover for a friend who is having an affair. They will even provide alibis.

Just to be clear this is nothing negative, no deceit, or any bad doing on my wifes part like trying to get me out of the house to talk to someone else....Just trying to get clued into the female brain...

Indeed, the whole reason was to get you out of the way so she can meet or talk to her OM. You realize that now.

These are words my wife rarely ever says to me on her own. About the only time she ever says it first is after a fight and a "serious talk". Even then, it lasts for about a day or two and then i never hear them unless i say it first.

Now ive asked her about this and she claims shes not the affectionate type and that she does love me. Its just not something she thinks about. Well that may be true but everytime she talks or texts her best friends, shes always throws out a "love you guys" or "love you" to them. I pretty much need to threaten leaving to get that response.

It pisses me off to see her text that to her friends...and yes they are just friends and not secretly a lover or anything. Dont really know how i should feel about this or how to take it.

Your WW completely denied you the love and affection your were starving for, but freely giving it out to her friends, especially her OM. Again, you were supremely confident and were blind to her having an affair. This is not uncommon.

I'm so tired of this. My LD wife is just ridiculous. Not only does she expect me to be happy that she is LD, she expects me to act perfectly happy when she withholds it.

I used to get mad after being rejected and I used to hold a grudge the next day. I dont do that anymore. I'm not mad, but i'm not happy either. Where as before I would be visibly upset and very short with her, now i'm just quiet, dont spend as much time with her, and just not as loving as I normally would be. I cant help that being rejected is hurtful and her withholding sex frustrates me.

I do my best not to show my anger/frustration but she totally expects me to be happy even after countless rejections. She actually told me that shes not my sex slave. I didnt know trying to have sex once or twice a week with your wife is considered needing a sex slave.....

How do some of you in a HD/LD marriage do it? I'm rejected more now than i ever was going up to women when i was single. Sex was easier to get with a woman i just met than it is now with my wife.

And before you ask, her having an affair is out. I handle all financials an IT guy so i know the ends and outs of every piece of equipment she has. Her technical skills maxed with logging into facebook everyday. There is no way in hell she could pull it off.

So the problem is either medical, which if it is she refuses to have it looked in to, or its me. I was overweight and have been getting back into shape (no thanks to her trying to sabotage my efforts). I"m pretty much back in shape but not much has changed....

I am looking for advice and how to handle this. I dont know whats worse....getting rejected by your wife or your wife expecting you to be completely happy after she rejected you for a tv show on dvr....

No, she didn't have medical problems. They weren't the root of her LD, she was banging her OM, that's why. She even had the nerve to tell you she wasn't your sex slave. She was actually her OM's sex slave. She was giving it up to him whenever she could, while you were starving for it like a man dying of thirst in the desert.

She honestly believes that this is how marriage is. At least thats what she says. Everytime i bring up her LD, she says "welcome to eing married". I tried kissing her passionately the other day and her response was "okay we're not in high school anymore".

She even gaslighted you into thinking that was just the way she is and how she thought of sex in marriage. But I bet she would she would kiss her OM passionately as much as she could.

Forget oral. She says its disgusting now that we are married. Married couples dont do that and i know my chances of winning the lottery twice are better than ever getting a BJ from her again. I love giving oral but everytime i venture down on her she gets ticklish before i even touch her and she doesnt let me do it.

Honestly, sex with her has gone from passionate and exciting to just going through the motions.

I know this will never get fixed. To add insult to injury the fact that she blames me for being upset about it. She accepts no responsibility and makes me out to be the bad guy for being upset at rejection. Cheating is out of the question, at the very least because of our child. I dont want this to end our marriage but I fear it will as age will only make it worse. I cant imagine how bad she will be at 50 when shes this bad already.

Sad to say, she most likely gave her OM all the BJs he wanted because she wanted to please HIM, not you. This is one of the most common, but hurtful things about an affair. Look at this thread:

"She/he did things with him/her"

^^ She thinks i want a sex slave. She thinks this is how marriage is. She is going to turn 40 and loves the fact that people think shes in her late 20s/early 30s. She wants to act like a younger person. When it comes to bed, she wants to act like shes 90 years old.

Anytime sex is mentioned, she switches off and accuses me of just wanting to use her for sex and wanting her legs open on demand. She will never have herself checked out to see if her LD is related to a health issue. She has no interest to do so. She is perfectly content with her sex drive and couldnt care less to change it. She feels i am being selfish and ridiculous wanting sex more than once a week. She thinks i'm only happy when i'm between her legs. I've tried telling her that i love having sex with her more so for the emotional feeling than the physical, but that doesnt help.

Like i said, she loves to act and look young. She loves to be fun going and loves that no one thinks she is the age she is. But when it comes to the bedroom, she has no problems acting 40 years her elder.

More gaslighting, accusing you that you wanted a sex slave, when in fact, she was banging her OM. She actually feels that she is cheating on him when she has sex with you. This is the honest truth when it comes to cheaters. You say she loves to dress and act young. Sadly, this isn't for you, this is for OM.

Anyone have any good tips on the best way to deal with a selfish spouse? I'm really at the end of my rope and I dont know how much more I can take.

My spouse is selfish in pretty much every aspect of our lives. Sex is only on her terms, when she wants it, which isnt much. Free time away from the kids, she thinks she is entitled to it, I have to fight and scratch for mine. She is even selfish about her mood swings. She can be a complete ***** and its "okay" because she is either tired or hungry and I should know this. I have no excuse for ever being in a bad mood.

These are just a few examples but our life is pretty much whats good for her is not good for me. Just wanted to get some advice from anyone who has been married to a selfish person. I'm extremely frustrated right now.

I don't know how you can stay married to this WW in light of what she has been doing.

My wife is perfectly happy with having sex 1 time per month, if even that. She told me to go find a nympho when I told her i would be happy with 1-2 times per week. She thinks her LD is perfectly normal and that I'm just a sex addict for wanting it 1-2 times per week.

How do you not take a LD spouse personal? Questions pop into my head like is it her having a LD due to nature or am I the reason for her LD? Is she having an affair? Has she no attraction for me? Am I to fat, ugly, etc for her?

All this rejection and doubt really drags me down and makes me become a man/husband that I dont want to be. I get irritable, selfish, and withdrawn. Her issues may not be because of me at all, but how in the hell do you not take it personal? Especially when she thinks she is perfectly normal and doesnt think this is a problem that needs to be worked on?


P.S. - for the record, i know she is not having an affair. It would be nearly impossible for her to pull off without raising suspicions for various reasons so I scratched that off the list of why she is LD with me.

She rejects you constantly, but she had no problems giving her OM pornstar sex. You thought it was impossible for her to have an affair. Unfortunately, like many of us, myself included, you underestimated your WW. When it comes to cheating, they will find a way. They can find the time, believe me.

We both work. She wasnt always like this. When we first met she was awesome in bed. We've been together about 8 years and the past few have been like this.

She always complains she is tired but she seems to have all the energy in the world for working out and hanging out with her friends if they call.

My wife is a very selfish woman. She even admits that she is. I've thought about divorce but the thought of not being able to have my daughter everyday kills me.

I try not to take it personal but its hard because it may very well be personal. I dont know if its just the way she is (as she says), or if its because of me.

Why do you even want to stay with this selfish cheater?

I know that women are more open with their female friends then a man is with his male friends. I am very slightly concerned about a female friend my wife has though.

I saw a message between them in which the other women randomly asked one day what my wife was wearing. She then asked if it was black panties and that bra she liked. My wife replied red panties, no bra and asked what she was wearing. The other woman replied that she was in her bday suit and the both LOL'd and changed the subject. The other woman ended the conversation with "bye lover".

It just struck me as odd and I dont know if this was just them being silly or if it means something. There has been no other conversation like that since (the message was 5 months ago). The other woman is engaged and all 4 of us have hung out quite a few times.

There was only 1 other time where their behavior struck me as slightly inappropriate but there was drinking involved and I'm not sure if i didnt blow it out of proportion for other reasons.

Now I'm not asking people to tell me if she is cheating with this woman based off this. I'm just asking if I should be concerned or not. Again, I know women are more open with their friends then men are, so I just want to get some opinions on that conversation.

Now, is this how you busted her? Very often, cheaters will put the name of their AP under a friend's name. You asked the forum what was going on and many of the women here told you that they don't talk like that to each other. Of course, you were still SURE that your WW was not cheating on you so you didn't even entertain the idea.

You've tried to leave a few times, and even packed your bags. Then she puts on the waterworks, the crocodile tears, and then manipulates you with a little sex to keep you from leaving. Because she knows you're starving for love and affection, she gives you just enough to keep you from walking out the door. The trouble is, it doesn't last, and then she's back to normal.

From the way she's manipulated you, you're right in thinking that she's secure in the marriage that you'll never leave her. Since you have never filed or actually left to prove you're serious, she probably thinks that she can manipulate you once more into thinking that she's sorry.

This is what I think will happen if you stay, and that you will be in False R if you even attempt R. This is the strategy that I've seen in the cheater forums.

She will sex you up real good over the next few weeks. She'll put on the waterworks and say she's sorry for a few weeks. She'll tell her OM to cool the affair until the storm blows over. One cheating wife in the cheater forum said on D-Day, that she was going to have to "fvck his brains out" for a while to get her betrayed husband off the trail.

Then, when she thinks you've been placated, and the storm has blown over, the affair will resume, just deeper underground. Meaning, they will be more careful about it. Her actions will return to normal. You will get the "Get over it already" speech. You will get the "you're controlling" speech when you want to check up on her or look over her texts. Or, since you busted her by seeing her texts, she will get a burner phone.

She has manipulated you before, so she thinks she can do so again. Don't allow it.

BTW, like others have said, you need to expose this affair to the OMW. Do it now.

Do you know about Trickle Truth? If she confessed to having an affair for a year, take that with a grain of salt. It was likely much, much, longer. When did she start becoming LD? That would be a clue.

 

[hawx20]

I confronted the guy and needless to say he was crapping bricks and crying. He was so sorry he said and quickly offered to vanish out of our life, including his sons. What a winner.

I have some old papers and have his address, ss number, and do number. I found his wife on Facebook. He said it was just the one time last November, which meant his wife was pregnant at the time.

I'm taking this all in and won't act irrationally. My wife is going to be home from work soon so it will get real interesting.

 

[azteca1986]

Amazing post lordmayehm. I wish I could like it more than once.

No amount of tears can wash away what she put you through, OP.

 

[lordmayhem]

Protect yourself. Run to your local store and get a VAR. You don't want to be accused of domestic violence.

Strange, she actually went to work? Wow. On D-Day, mine wasn't able to even try to go to work.

 

[tom67]

I confronted the guy and needless to say he was crapping bricks and crying. He was so sorry he said and quickly offered to vanish out of our life, including his sons. What a winner.

I have some old papers and have his address, ss number, and do number. I found his wife on Facebook. He said it was just the one time last November, which meant his wife was pregnant at the time.

I'm taking this all in and won't act irrationally. My wife is going to be home from work soon so it will get real interesting.

Yea maybe one time...last week ugh.

Good job I hope you make contact with his w.

You probably should have contacted her first but hey you are doing great considering.

 

[TDSC60]

I confronted the guy and needless to say he was crapping bricks and crying. He was so sorry he said and quickly offered to vanish out of our life, including his sons. What a winner.

I have some old papers and have his address, ss number, and do number. I found his wife on Facebook. He said it was just the one time last November, which meant his wife was pregnant at the time.

I'm taking this all in and won't act irrationally. My wife is going to be home from work soon so it will get real interesting.

Do not believe a word he says and do not believe her. They will both protect themselves and each other. You said the affair had been on for over a year. When did you first notice her disinterest in sex with you? Most likely that is around the time they started having sex. She was not interested in you because she felt she was betraying him if she had sex with you.

I know you want to believe it is not as bad as it looks but history shows it is probably worse than it looks. You will get no truthful answers from either of them at this point.

 

[lordmayhem]

He said it was just the one time last November, which meant his wife was pregnant at the time.

Only one time last November. Sure.


:lol:

You better get yourself checked out for STDs. I hope during the few times she gave you duty sex, that you weren't getting sloppy seconds.

 

[thunderstruck]

Strange, she actually went to work? Wow. On D-Day, mine wasn't able to even try to go to work.

If she went to work. May have been runnng around all day taking care of D-Day + divorce related errands.

 

[the guy]

How interesting is it going to get, lordmayhem spelled it all out and your old lady is going to give you the crap you got last night..

Except for the blameshifting...she might try and deflect and has just spent the day figuring out how to do some damage control.

The bottom line is if any time in your life *now* is the time to show her how confident you are in letting her go...even if your scared sh1tless now is the time to fake it until you make it.

Chick dig confident guys so stand your ground with one thing here and that is you diserve good things.

Don't let her blame you and don't apoligize for the affair.



The only interesting part is if your old lady is really remorseful and show a huge degree of submission in doing the heavy lifting to save her marriage....yes her marriage...not yours as far as she is concerned its over .....if for one second she see a weak man infront of her she will walk all over you.

You don;t have to be an @ss or a jerk but in no uncertian terms your old lady has to see that you will not share her.

 

[the guy]

The next order of business is a no contact letter.

A letter she write to OM denouncing him and proclaiming what a better man you are.

This letter should include how wrong the affair was and what they did was horrible,evil, and deceitful.

This letter isn't an apoligy letter explaining why they can't see each other its a letter telling the OM what a POS they both are and how wrong it was. Its a letter informing the OM that the lie the fantasy and the betrayal will stop for good.

 

[lordmayhem]

If she went to work. May have been runnng around all day taking care of D-Day + divorce related errands.

:iagree:

Probably been in contact with OM, trying to get their stories straight, how they are going to deal with this, their strategy, etc.

 

[mahike]

Thanks for the replies. I am too upset to make decisions right now so I'm trying so hard to stay rational. She's begging and crying to give her a chance and she will spend the rest of her life making it up. She wants to see a counselor. I just don't know how I can ever get the picture of them two together out of my head

I understand that one pretty well. It does fade with time. The mind movies are the worst. When these things started running through my head I would at first try to refocus on my kids. It helped. I started doing physical things, driving range, batting cages, speed bag. It really does pass with time

So everyone is telling you it was once and I bet it was protected sex. Right now you cannot believe anything she is saying to you. Tell her not matter what she is to get her butt to the Dr tomorrow for and STD check and you want the results in writing .

Good Luck and I am very sorry you are going through this crap.

 

[jnj express]

Be icy cool, calm, and collected---at this point don't try to reclaim your territory, and have sex with her----the way she "dissed you" and to the extreme that she used the sex, when she wanted to -------Hysterical Bonding, will be contra to what is needed here

Lord Mayhem---has pretty much spelled this all out for you

You might best just go very DARK on her---converse only when necessary for things pertaining to your kid, and necessities of life---as to everything else----do not be nice to her what so ever---but make sure you do not abuse her---and just do your own thing and ignore her---as she has done to you for the last year or longer

Take plenty of time, and think out what you want for a future---you do not need to make any decisions, for as long as it takes

She is gonna push at you---she knows she has blown everyone's life apart---and she will want you to make a decision, so she can put this all behind her----remember---this is NOT ABOUT HER---as of now she comes last---1st there is what you need, then there is what your child needs---your wife, shouldn't even get consideration---as to the future!!!!!

The way she has dealt with you during her A---this will NEVER go away----you are gonna have to figure out, just how much misery you want, to put up with basically for the rest of your life

If you R---she will trigger you very probably every day---based on how she "dissed you"---you will look at her, and know what she PURPOSELY did to you---if you D--it will be bad---but w/out her there to trigger you---the effects will lessen

As I said---basically you are gonna have to decide, as to what level of misery you wanna live the rest of your life in

 

[manticore]

I confronted the guy and needless to say he was crapping bricks and crying. He was so sorry he said and quickly offered to vanish out of our life, including his sons. What a winner.

I have some old papers and have his address, ss number, and do number. I found his wife on Facebook. He said it was just the one time last November, which meant his wife was pregnant at the time.

I'm taking this all in and won't act irrationally. My wife is going to be home from work soon so it will get real interesting.

does not matter what they say or promise, the OMW has right to know, and I doubt it was just onte time, that is what they are revealing and probably already put their story together.

don't fall in their lies, if you have been in TAM a while, you know how cheaters react once caught and how they insist it was just one time until more is proved.

If you are even to consider R you need the full truth, dont delude yourself by their cries, tell her you are gonna taker to a polygraph test to verify the lenght and number of encounters, and finally do what is best for you, you have to be aware that in her case the OM will be stay in her life forever as he is her the father of herr son, so if you are stron enough to deal with that you may have a chance to evercome this, but I think it will always be the risk of they betrayed you again after few years.