Just found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past year....I'm numb and have no clue what to do....my god....somebody help me with advice
Just busted her
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hawx20
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Very high %
I managed to fall asleep last night and when I woke up I was immediately hoping last night was a dream. I'm still in shock and honestly I am scared to death.
My life and my future just radically altered course and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. To top it off, I'm sure I won't have full custody of my daughter thanks to the way the courts favor women.
Also, to answer someone's question.....she doesn't need me financially. We make pretty much the same amount. She needs me as much as I need her on that. We can both survive solo, but it will be tougher for her.
My life and my future just radically altered course and I don't have the slightest idea what I'm doing. To top it off, I'm sure I won't have full custody of my daughter thanks to the way the courts favor women.
Also, to answer someone's question.....she doesn't need me financially. We make pretty much the same amount. She needs me as much as I need her on that. We can both survive solo, but it will be tougher for her.
First and foremost. Those moments you have with your daughter don't have to end if your marriage ends.
Yes, you won't be able to have them everyday, but the days you have your daughter (PS make it 50% of the time) dedicate to her.
It will be okay.
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Don't make any hasty decisions. You are in the land of pain. You have time to sort everything out and it will take time. Many of us here on TAM have gone through what you are now experiencing. It will be rough for a while.
1. Your wife need to have NC with the dude. NC means NC. No goodbyes, nothing.
2. She must come clean on everything. Passwords, phone, etc. Nothing deleted.
3. Expose the A.
4. Get some exercise, eat, no alcohol, no going suicidal.
5. No begging, no pleading, don't go whimpy on us.
6. Ask her for a timeline of events. Ask her to write it down.
7. Get tested for STDs.
8. Do the 180 if needed.
9. Go see an attorney and don't let her know about it.
1. Your wife need to have NC with the dude. NC means NC. No goodbyes, nothing.
2. She must come clean on everything. Passwords, phone, etc. Nothing deleted.
3. Expose the A.
4. Get some exercise, eat, no alcohol, no going suicidal.
5. No begging, no pleading, don't go whimpy on us.
6. Ask her for a timeline of events. Ask her to write it down.
7. Get tested for STDs.
8. Do the 180 if needed.
9. Go see an attorney and don't let her know about it.
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7,389 Posts
Hawx
Step back.
Peruse through your old threads.
Look how hard you worked on yourself, on your marriage just to improve your relationship.
Just to try to make her happy.
You spent the better part of 2013 trying to figure out what is wrong.
Now you know. Instead of "Just busted her" your thread should have been titled "I am not crazy!!!".
I think you owe it to yourself to step back, evaluate this past year and your marriage and then make a decision.
Because your wife is a truly selfish person. And you and the kids deserve better.
HM
Step back.
Peruse through your old threads.
Look how hard you worked on yourself, on your marriage just to improve your relationship.
Just to try to make her happy.
You spent the better part of 2013 trying to figure out what is wrong.
Now you know. Instead of "Just busted her" your thread should have been titled "I am not crazy!!!".
I think you owe it to yourself to step back, evaluate this past year and your marriage and then make a decision.
Because your wife is a truly selfish person. And you and the kids deserve better.
HM
Hawx, the question is what are you prepared to do now that you know? For me the shock faded after a half day. It takes a few to sink in. Is this real? Did I just see that text? Am I crazy,paranoid? No none of those things. You didn't write those texts. So what is it then, just a friend, nope, cheater speak. It was only one time, nope cheater speak. You are controlling, nope cheater speak. This is what you will get in between the crying and so on. Deflection is the name of the game. Don't fall for it. What it looks like, is what it looks like. If the situation was reversed, would she automatically think you were playing around, yes indeed, without question, reservation, or purpose of evasion. Sorry duty speak for a second. Gaslight for now, hammer the hell out of her with questions. All the W's, (who,what,where). Give her no room to attempt a story about BS. You have been played if she makes you think or feel bad about what she did. You know, "You pushed me to do this" crap. Stand firm my friend, be strong and stand your ground. Keep coming here for help, we will do our best to support you as best as we can. I say we, because we have been there and are doing that. Good luck.
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1,272 Posts
I remember that same feeling like being out of body. I remember waking up from sleep and for a split second thinking it was a dream. I did not eat for 4 days. Your body is being abused by your mind.
"Let the shock wear off"... It took about 2 weeks before I could start to think without having difficulty breathing. It took a full year before making a decision on D or R.
It a rough road, but it get better.
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5,235 Posts
Still don't believe in that alpha/beta crap? Because you fell into the beta/devoted dad/provider role, she had no interest for you. You did everything for her and she took everything for granted.
Do the 180. Look it up since we're not allowed to post it here. Stop doing things for her.
And don't be so sure that the courts will automatically give her custody. Consult a lawyer. There are lawyers who specialize in Father's rights. Cordell & Cordell is one such firm.
BTW, where was she meeting up with him for sex, you know, the sex she was denying you? Now you know that she was never LD, or just "tired", she was giving it up to her OM.
Do the 180. Look it up since we're not allowed to post it here. Stop doing things for her.
And don't be so sure that the courts will automatically give her custody. Consult a lawyer. There are lawyers who specialize in Father's rights. Cordell & Cordell is one such firm.
BTW, where was she meeting up with him for sex, you know, the sex she was denying you? Now you know that she was never LD, or just "tired", she was giving it up to her OM.
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40,554 Posts
Pretty much.
Don't make any quick decisions. Let your emotions work themselves out first. In the meantime, read NMMNG and MMSLP. It will help you balance out in your head where you should be.
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5,227 Posts
I've been on these sites for a while. It's around 50% or more of the cases where the spouse isn't having sex with the other, because they are getting the need met elsewhere. They will not see their BS in a sexual light and be cold to them.
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1,171 Posts
I am sorry that your world has been destroyed but happy you now know the truth of your marital problems. \\See an attorney now. File. You can always drop the divorce latter. Please realize that your daughter will be better off being FROM a broken home than living in one.
Many of us have survived the devastation of infidelity. You will too.
Many of us have survived the devastation of infidelity. You will too.
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2,497 Posts
As many others have said, do not make any decisions or take any actions beyond seeing an attorney while you are in this state. Many of us have found that clarity and truth were obtained only when we stopped being afraid of the end of the marriage, at which point paradoxically the marriage can be saved if desired.
Thanks for the replies. I am too upset to make decisions right now so I'm trying so hard to stay rational. She's begging and crying to give her a chance and she will spend the rest of her life making it up. She wants to see a counselor. I just don't know how I can ever get the picture of them two together out of my head
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Go get counseling with her. Take some time out for yourself. Maybe even stay somewhere else for a while to see what you really want. You have been through so much in so little time. You need time to think. You wont be able to do this if she has your ear every second your home.
Clay
Clay
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Let her do what she needs to do, for herself---do not let her sway you into any decisions
As to counseling---there are good and bad counselors---if you get talked into counseling---check the counselor out thoroughly
Have you had any kind of conversation with her---so as to find out why she needed to spread her legs for this guy, and in doing so---she knowingly destroyed her own childs life, and your life---can she give you a WHY?????
As to counseling---there are good and bad counselors---if you get talked into counseling---check the counselor out thoroughly
Have you had any kind of conversation with her---so as to find out why she needed to spread her legs for this guy, and in doing so---she knowingly destroyed her own childs life, and your life---can she give you a WHY?????
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340 Posts
I know how you feel.Like others have said you need some time to think. For what it's worth at least she was crying and saying she was sorry(maybe sorry about being caught) My wife got mad at me for snooping and I had to take a lOOOOng walk so I would not become physical It does suck being shaking to the core. I am sorry you are here with the rest of us. There is some great advice on here..
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Talk is cheap for her. Don't fall for it.
You now know the real woman you are married to. It will take time to realize it, but she is not worthy of you.
Hang tough. So sorry you are here.
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