[maxter]

For the sake of your girls, help fix the van. If it's a Dodge like mine, there will be plenty more opportunity for her to fix on her own
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Yeah, that's the way I'm leaning. With kids binding us together for life, I guess I'll never be 100% free from her. It just sucks sometimes. I mean she'll never be doing something similar for me like home repairs or helping to pay for my car repairs even though I transport the girls too. Sighhhh. Just gotta keep my head held high and be the better person by doing the right thing. And you're right about future repairs. It's a 2001 T&C van. Lots of repair potential there.

Also, my attorney just called. I'm going to sign the custody complaint at lunch. It's go-time now! Yikes!

 

[golfergirl]

Yeah, that's the way I'm leaning. With kids binding us together for life, I guess I'll never be 100% free from her. It just sucks sometimes. I mean she'll never be doing something similar for me like home repairs or helping to pay for my car repairs even though I transport the girls too. Sighhhh. Just gotta keep my head held high and be the better person by doing the right thing. And you're right about future repairs. It's a 2001 T&C van. Lots of repair potential there.

Also, my attorney just called. I'm going to sign the custody complaint at lunch. It's go-time now! Yikes!

Here's another thought. She sounds like the type to use that trump card forever - how about it's a 'loan'. It's done in good faith for safety of kids and taken off final settlement? Your did say lawyer said your responsibility ended right? Or what if you said that unless she failed to keep the vehicle she's driving your precious daughters in safe and reliable, she can't drive them or she's proving herself unfit or whatever?

Not sure which are workable, but some other options. I have feeling if you just do it, there will be further emergencies like food etc.
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[COGypsy]

Or just document it and add it to the list of reasons why you should have the support/custody arrangements that you're proposing---she clearly can't afford to provide for the health and safety of your children on her own, even while you're still in the house.

You can also point out anytime you want how nice you are to have helped her out :lol:

 

[Jellybeans]

I just want to say that divorce sucks. I am sorry this happened, Max.

 

[HurtinginTN]

I just want to say that divorce sucks. I am sorry this happened, Max.

:iagree:

 

[maxter]

I had a very horrible day yesterday. First I get a phone call at work from my cc company asking if I recently made changes to my account. Turns out someone stole my identity/hacked my online account, changed info to their address in another state and was ordering stuff online. Thank God the cc company fraud dept. noticed the changes and called me. So my old account is closed and I'm without a cc for 5 days.

Then during a rushed dash to get to my one daughter's guitar lesson, I ran by the bank to get some cash and drove away without my ATM card!!! Went back but it was gone. I hope the machine pulled it in after a period of time without action. Or else someone after me picked it up- hopefully they turn it in.

On top of all this I'm coming down with a nasty head cold and don't feel well today at all. I did get me lease to review and sign. So slight positive this morning so far. Hopefully the day improves. Although I have to spend all day Saturday repairing my STBXW's minivan. Ah, c'est la vie!

 

[maxter]

STBXW called me to go over a few things about our girls, new babysitter interviews and such. Somehow we got into a relationship discussion about the past. I asked her where did the woman I married go? What happened to her? To which she brutally flogged me with all my past transgressions, especially the drinking, put downs, and neglect. She told me right before the affair started that I had 'broken' her. She had no self esteem left, no emotion or feelings for me anymore.

So I asked her why she played me and faked it for the past 3 1/2 years. I told her she wasted years of our lives that we can't get back. We could be beyond this mess by now and on our way separately. She replied it wasn't wasted because she kept our family together for that time so our girls could have a normal life. Jeesh! How 'bout that?

I told her I hear what she's saying and fully understand her position but I wish she had been this clear about us many years ago. I told her I understand that how I treated her was horrible and that my epiphany came too late. She's broken, bitter, and angry at me for what I did and apparently isn't able to or doesn't want to work through it to overcome the pain I caused. I guess that's her choice to hold onto the past and dwell on it.

I know she blames me for her affair, but still knowing the damage I inflicted on someone I was supposed to cherish and love till death do us part weighs heavily on my heart.

She asked when I'm going to start making support payments like we talked about. I told her not until I move out. She says she thinks it should be more. I asked her why 60% of our income isn't good enough and what was I supposed to live on? She just said she will talk with domestic relations to see what they say she'll get.

She again asked me when I'm moving out. Very harsh and dry tone when she spoke. Perhaps my continued presence in the house is bothering her. She just wants me gone. I told her we still have the custody road block. She reitterated she will NOT agree to 50/50. She says it's too much too soon for the girls. I reminded her I would consider a phase in plan, but that she needs to agree to the end result being 50/50 whether its weeks or several months from now. She wouldn't commit though. She's trying to manipulate me into thinking we have some kind of custody plan without stating any details or locking anything in. She keeps saying eventually I would get more time with them. Eff that! See you in court B!tch.

 

[maxter]

Just got an email from my STBXW:

I'm sorry if I was harsh on the phone with you. It was not an easy morning with the girls. However, we did make the bus and it was good because they had fun being silly with all the kids. I don't want you to feel rushed. We need each other with the girls to balance thier schedules and needs. I know we need to work together for them. I think doing 50/50 is expecting way too much too soon.

Sometimes I don't think you realize how hard life was for me. Your moods were more sparadoic and depressive then you think. Your insults and detachment from me was crippling. What should have been a very happy time for us was clouded with your depression and drinking. And yes I would like to work together on the bills so we can make sure everything is taken care of.

Have a good day.

And there you have it. She was done with me years ago.

 

[Jellybeans]

The email doesn't say she was done years ago but I see how you feel, Max. If she truly felt that way the entire time, then yes, you are better off.

You don't have to reply to her. To me it sounds like she's grasping at straws, still trying to rationalize her affair away which is why she keeps talking about how what YOU did caused her to want this. Notice she takes no responsibility ever. For anything.

Then during a rushed dash to get to my one daughter's guitar lesson, I ran by the bank to get some cash and drove away without my ATM card!!! Went back but it was gone. I hope the machine pulled it in after a period of time without action. Or else someone after me picked it up- hopefully they turn it in.

I hope you cancelled your ATM card, right??? Call the bank and do that STAT and explain what happened!

She reitterated she will NOT agree to 50/50.

Tough luck. She is acting like a selfish spoiled brat. Tell her, 'I am sorry you feel that way but if we can't agree, a judge will decide for us.' and then walk away. She can't be talking about 'too soon for the girls' when she was TOO SOON having sex with the OM in a hotel with the girls right there with her. WTF is her problem?

Grrr. You deserve better.

 

[aug]

Well, enough of blaming the affair and marriage breakdown on your drinking and moods.

There were lots of different avenue she could have taken. Having an affair was certainly not the right one.

She found a weak point and is exploiting it. Dont continually let her do it.

 

[WhereAmI]

You could "excuse" your drinking by listing circumstances that led you there. However, realizing that you are ultimately in control of your actions, you refuse to do so. She has yet to accept that her affair rests ONLY on her shoulders. Have you pointed out her hypocrisy? Exposing the children to her affair partner went way beyond anything you've ever done.

Her lines about 50/50 being too soon are BS. I'm sure the children would prefer time with you over staying in their house and missing daddy.
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[TGTLTBTS]

I have read your threads and I am sorry you are in such a situation, but I was wondering if your girls have been asking any other questions or if you or your STBX have decided when you were going to talk to them about what is happening? I have triplets about the same age and am curious about how much they have picked up on their own?? Have you seen any negative affects on the girls as of yet? I constantly worry about what my actions are going to do to my kids And don't let it cross your minds.....my kids have absolutely NOTHING to do with our marriage and the state it is currently in....it was not normal before they were conceived unfortunately. They have been a blessing and a joy for both of us.

 

[golfergirl]

You could "excuse" your drinking by listing circumstances that led you there. However, realizing that you are ultimately in control of your actions, you refuse to do so. She has yet to accept that her affair rests ONLY on her shoulders. Have you pointed out her hypocrisy? Exposing the children to her affair partner went way beyond anything you've ever done.

Her lines about 50/50 being too soon are BS. I'm sure the children would prefer time with you over staying in their house and missing daddy.
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it's not like you're an absentee father. It's not like you're in some other county - different school - different friends. I think the adjustment of not having dad there will be the problem not the time away from mom. It's easy. Get them excited about decorating new house etc. New routines and rituals. That's what gets past the phasing in part. Friday is homemade pizza and movie night - etc. I wouldn't even agree to phasing in - it's for HER benefit and tricks not the girls. Easy test - good for girls - hey go for it - other than than I guess Mommy needs to adjust.
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[HurtinginTN]

Easy test - good for girls - hey go for it - other than than I guess Mommy needs to adjust.

:iagree:

 

[maxter]

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm shaking all over. Just took an anti-anxiety pill to try and calm down. I just learned my STBXW dropped the girls off at school then drove 2 1/2hrs to meet the OM for the day. I think they went to his new place, not sure. She came home at exactly the right time as if she were coming from work.

OMG I'M FREAKING OUT!!! Why is that? I was doing so well moving on, filing for D, filing for custody. I even signed the lease to my new place today. But this is like D day all over. I have intense feelings of betrayal, my chest hurts. Why can't I let go of her after what she's done to me? I DON'T WANT THIS DIVORCE!!! But I have no choice left but to continue and come out better off on the other side. Someone please tell me it gets better somewhere down the road.

She told him she's not going to accept 50/50 custody. He must have asked if I had moved out because she told him that I wouldn't leave until custody was settled. She told him that I was talking more with her. Which is true to some extent because we're talking more often about the girls and their activities. I have not been making small talk at all.

People liken this experience to a death. Well, I'm here to tell you I've experience many deaths of close relatives but it was nothing like this. This nightmare just keeps going on and on without seeming end. I don't know if I can lay in the same bed tonight with her. My emotions are just overwhelming at the moment. Thank god I have a IC meeting tomorrow. I definitely need it after this day.

 

[hesnothappy]

Go for a walk (somewhere safe) or just a drive. It is very much like a death...just like a death happens everyday. Do something to take your mind off what you think happened today, it is never as good as what we imagined. That is not your concern now, you will do better by concentrating on what you will be doing in your new place and how you will decorate it. Places you and your girls can go. Move forward, don't be a prisoner to the past. I will be praying for you, God be a comforter to Maxter (you know his real name ;o)

 

[golfergirl]

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm shaking all over. Just took an anti-anxiety pill to try and calm down. I just learned my STBXW dropped the girls off at school then drove 2 1/2hrs to meet the OM for the day. I think they went to his new place, not sure. She came home at exactly the right time as if she were coming from work.

OMG I'M FREAKING OUT!!! Why is that? I was doing so well moving on, filing for D, filing for custody. I even signed the lease to my new place today. But this is like D day all over. I have intense feelings of betrayal, my chest hurts. Why can't I let go of her after what she's done to me? I DON'T WANT THIS DIVORCE!!! But I have no choice left but to continue and come out better off on the other side. Someone please tell me it gets better somewhere down the road.

She told him she's not going to accept 50/50 custody. He must have asked if I had moved out because she told him that I wouldn't leave until custody was settled. She told him that I was talking more with her. Which is true to some extent because we're talking more often about the girls and their activities. I have not been making small talk at all.

People liken this experience to a death. Well, I'm here to tell you I've experience many deaths of close relatives but it was nothing like this. This nightmare just keeps going on and on without seeming end. I don't know if I can lay in the same bed tonight with her. My emotions are just overwhelming at the moment. Thank god I have a IC meeting tomorrow. I definitely need it after this day.

Make your plans and go for the jugular. I'm sorry she's heartless and that it's hurting you so bad!
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[Shaggy]

Tell her to leave the bed since she chose to go have sex with today. It is beyond acceptable that she can cheat and ome home to your bed.

Maybe you can't kick her out of the house, but she can sleep on the couch.

Call your lawyer tomorrow and tell him to takeoff the gloves. No holds bared.
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[krismimo]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Like I said it will get worse, far more worse until it gets better, I wouldn't be suprised that she saw the OM b/c she resents you staying there and she already more than likely considered the marriage over. See the problem when a loved one and or spouse cheats and the latter decides to stay in the home no matter what the reason is whereas finances, custody, property you have this long passive aggressive, battle up ahead, it is bad enough to deal with this situation as it is, not alone living with the person (BTW been there done that.) while all this is happening and you expect to stay "normal" I think not. All I'm saying is you have few options you can stay and be hurt, you could kick her out, or you can move out. And I'm sorry this situation hurts your family more than helps, you need to get yourself together and take action like kicking her behind out. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you, why would you allow her to stay with you in the same house hold while she f*** some other guy while going through this custody battle and divorce proceedings?
She is having her cake and eating it, think about it why would she NOT be doing it? Your helping her out, she still has her girls, her home and the OM at least for the next couple of months. This is just getting started. Time to wake up and stop staying because it is convienient.

 

[maxter]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree: Like I said it will get worse, far more worse until it gets better, I wouldn't be suprised that she saw the OM b/c she resents you staying there and she already more than likely considered the marriage over. See the problem when a loved one and or spouse cheats and the latter decides to stay in the home no matter what the reason is whereas finances, custody, property you have this long passive aggressive, battle up ahead, it is bad enough to deal with this situation as it is, not alone living with the person (BTW been there done that.) while all this is happening and you expect to stay "normal" I think not. All I'm saying is you have few options you can stay and be hurt, you could kick her out, or you can move out. And I'm sorry this situation hurts your family more than helps, you need to get yourself together and take action like kicking her behind out. People will treat you the way you teach them to treat you, why would you allow her to stay with you in the same house hold while she f*** some other guy while going through this custody battle and divorce proceedings?
She is having her cake and eating it, think about it why would she NOT be doing it? Your helping her out, she still has her girls, her home and the OM at least for the next couple of months. This is just getting started. Time to wake up and stop staying because it is convienient.

I can't kick her out, legally. Due to both names being on the deed and our state laws, she has equal right to stay in the marital home just as I do. The law doesn't look at other factors like infidelity. I could ask (and have in the recent past) but she simply says "I'm not going anywhere, you go". She knows it's painful for me and maybe gets some kind of sick satisfaction from it while cake eating at the same time.

I would desperately like to move out, but my attorney advised me not to or my position with custody can be harmed. I can't get a temporary custody order because there is no impending physical harm to the kids. The only potential is emotional harm, but that would only happen if she or I loose control and have a huge blowout. And I can't allow that to happen or I'll likely end up in jail.

I'm just plain stuck! And she's pulling the strings- sort of. Maybe more like tugging on them. I mean I'm still pushing ahead with D and custody but it's moving too slowly for my liking. She did tell the OM that the place I was looking at got rented out and she was thankful because it helps her if I'm not in the same school district. I wonder what her reaction will be when I start packing up incidentals and taking them over to my new place this weekend? I can move maybe 90% of my stuff into the new place and still live at home for now. All I need are my clothes and toiletries-like staying in a hotel each night. Uhg! That makes my stomach knot up thinking about it.