[mvnfwd]

You all are amazing I truly appreciate the time and thought you've given to my very personal situation....I will respond further shortly.

 

[Decorum]

Thanks for your input. I do agree I don't deserve what she's doing.....my hang up is the advice I've gotten from my Pastor. He's says stay the course continue to love my wife. I am true to my faith but really?

What are the odds she snaps into reality?

I have known many really good men who were pastors or counselors over the years that would have given the same advise based on Paul’s and Peter’s exhortations.

Exhortations given to Christian couples that were listening, but not in the context of infidelity.

Infidelity is unlike any other issue in a marriage, the frame of reference needs to be expanded to the whole counsel of truth because all scripture is profitable for doctrine, reproof and correction.

There is a very large context in the Bible for infidelity that is usually ignored in cases like this, sometimes because well-meaning churchmen, have limited experience with the issue of infidelity, and do not know how to apply the larger context.

If they would only spend some time on TAM they would realize there are acceptable options/steps that a BS may take in good faith.

I believe you can follow the gist of the advice here with a clear conscience, being sensitive to any special steps you need to take and know without a doubt that God is supporting you as you go through this hell.

I wish you well.
Take care!

 

[86857]

You all are amazing I truly appreciate the time and thought you've given to my very personal situation....I will respond further shortly.

You are amazing mvnfwd and never forget that.

You put up with all that for 2 long years at the expense of your well-being, dignity and pride for the sake of your two little ones and your Christian faith. It doesn't get more selfless than that.

But, you gave her every chance and you can do no more. IMO, she checked out long ago.

You must D for your wellbeing and health. Stress weakens us physically as well as psychologically. Your children need their Dad to be strong. And they are lucky to have such a fine Dad.

So mnvfwd, go well and think fwd!

 

[honcho]

She wont file for divorce as she is perfectly happy in her world keeping you hanging around. You have tolerated her every action without consequence. Don’t take it the wrong way but you seem more in the fog than she. You have endured this so long, its now become the normal in your life.

Your family isn’t intact, it hasn’t been for a long time. A farce of a marriage isn’t a marriage and living a lie or the occasional family dinner isn’t a marriage. She has made her intentions clear, she wants to live a different life than you. No matter your beliefs at some point she will file for divorce eventually and nothing you can do will stop it from happening.

Do you really want to raise your children in this sort of environment? You have endured and punished yourself enough in my opinion. From what I read, you have spent almost half your married life in this situation, you do deserve better.

 

[Mr Blunt]

Forgiving her would be releasing her from that debt while not releasing her from the natural consequences of her choices

.

BINGO!!!
That to me is Christian wisdom!



Mvnfrd
You have been an enabler for two years!

Your wife is not going to “snap out of it” without consequences and even then she may not. You need to follow your Christian principles as the spiritual leader of your family and hold her accountable and take whatever action that you can.

In the OT the father Eli did not take appropriate action against his son that were mistreating the sacrifices of the temple and having sex with the sanctuary serving women. God finally stepped in and killed both sons. (Ref 1st Samuel Chapter 2)


In the NT the married couple of Ananias and Sapphira did not take any action to stop themselves from sinning and God killed them also (Ref: Acts Chapter 5)



I am not saying that God is going to kill you wife I am pointing out that the Bible does not just say what your pastor said in that you should just “…stay the course and love your wife”.


What Bible does your pastor read?
Does that Bible have 1st Samuel and Acts in it?

 

[mvnfwd]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks a Christian man can be a strong man that holds himself and others accountable for their actions. There must be consequences. So far she's living the dream and I'm allowing it. I think I'm bound by what's right to as many of you say expose the affair. Is there a best time to open it up or is asap best?

 

[tom67]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks a Christian man can be a strong man that holds himself and others accountable for their actions. There must be consequences. So far she's living the dream and I'm allowing it. I think I'm bound by what's right to as many of you say expose the affair. Is there a best time to open it up or is asap best?

Best time is asap.
There never is "good" time for something like this except for you.

 

[Affaircare]

A few quick questions before we can advise you wisely on "when to expose":

Do you have evidence gathered? Are you prepared?

Before you expose the affair, it is wise to have sufficient evidence gathered so that you can solidly prove it's not just you being jealous or controlling. So for example, if you have copies of emails she sent to the OM, photos of them kissing, receipts from a hotel she paid for that says "Mr. and Mrs.", a recording of her saying she loves him and disparaging you...this is going to be the type of compelling evidence that will generally convince others.

Now bear in mind, we are not asking you TO CONVINCE THEM. Some (like perhaps her family) will not want to believe the worst of their girl, and if all you had to present was "He said...She said" I guarantee you she would be able to explain it away by blaming you somehow! (You are jealous and made this all up in your head and pooooooor her she has to put up with being with you!) But if you tell people the truth and follow it up with some compelling but not horrid evidence, then if nothing else they may not want to believe it but they'll know it's not just you making it up.

So #1, gather your evidence together and get it in order.

Then #2 is to get prepared for the exposure. It's usually a wise idea to have a few ducks in a row before you expose, because I guarantee you, she is going to be mad. Just keep envisioning a person addicted to cocaine. They would get mad too because you are trying to cut off their habit! They will fight tooth and nail, kick and scream, say the meanest, most hateful things...to get back to their habit. But you keep firmly in your mind that you are trying to do the best thing for her but TELLING THE TRUTH to those who would be affected.

You will want to tell people whose lives will be harmed by a divorce: parents, siblings, aunts-uncles-cousins...because they will be losing half their time with the kids if this affair continues. You will want to tell pro-marriage friends--anyone she looks up to and considers a mentor who will tell her to knock it off and go back to her family. You will probably want to tell those you consider spiritual leaders who will help you do the right thing and hold her accountable (but remember it's not your job to "make her pay"--it IS your job to allow her to feel the natural discomfort of the consequences of her choices). You MAY want to tell your boss if you think it is affecting your work performance and you have that kind of relationship with your boss. You MAY want to tell her boss if the affair is work related--not for gossip, but rather because if company time and assets are being used for unwanted sexual contact (YOU don't want it so it is unwanted) between a boss and subordinate or employee and client, their company is in danger of a sexual harassment lawsuit!

Also you'll probably want to have your own bank account and have your checks being deposited to your bank account before you expose. You'll want to have at least a copy of evidence that's secured in a vault at work, in a lockbox in the bank or something (because I guarantee you she will try to delete it). And finally you'll probably want to arrange to have the kids at a sitter or at least "looked after" the evening of the day you expose, so that you can deal with her and whatever she may do, rather than have your children hear your wife scream obscenities at you.

Otherwise, after you've gathered evidence, secured a copy, and gotten prepared, I say go ASAP. It's like pulling off a bandaid. Yank it and it's less painful.

 

[honcho]

There is no good time unfortunately. Best advice is to stick with the facts. The less opinion the less of the he said she said can happen. Its not your job to convince them you are right or wrong. You have an uphill battle given how long the two of you have been separated and the situation. Keep yourself composed, don’t breakdown and become emotional

She has had a head start most likely telling family and friends “her” version of what is going on. Some wont believe you on day one, some will already know. How long as she been seeing someone else? Did it start before or after the separation started?

Do not expect this as a magic cure to break a fog or snap her out of it. It may or may not have any effect on her. You are doing this so people will understand your reasons that the situation as it stands you can no longer live with or tolerate. She could very well file the day you expose, my stbx did just that. I exposed on a Sunday night, Monday afternoon she had papers filed and cleaned out every bank account she could. My stbx family have never said a word to me one way or another.

It drove mine deeper into her fog, I was trying to get the world against her or some such nonsense. She just quit talking to all our friends and started spinning the stories that get more elaborate as time goes on. People get sick of stories and the facts generally stand out over time.

 

[Remains]

Stress weakens us physically as well as psychologically.

This is so true. I have suffered in all ways the last couple of years, and I am not as strong as I used to be (it's a bit like once the barrier has broken/cracked, you can only patch it up. It won't have the same strength it had before)... though I am a lot stronger than I thought I was! I have put up with so much and never ended up in the mental ward! I survived no matter how many people tried to ensure my demise!

Remove your stress. And move back into your house. Get her out. Make it difficult for her to stay.

 

[Chaparral]

So, basically, your pastor is telling you to enjoy your role of a cuckold husband? What a source of divine wisdom he is!

The reason pastors try to keep families together is the children. Adultery is a qualified reason for divorce for Christians. The reason pastors try to get the two parents back together is the harm divorces have done to children in their experience as counselors. Step children are at high risk from step parents. Particularly daughters. Sex abuse, verbal abuse, and physical abuse by step parents is not rare its common.

In adultery, they already know the step parent is a low life piece of sh!t or they would not be stealing a married person and breaking up a family. By definition, an adulterer is a low or no moral person that should not be around kids.

 

[Chaparral]

If you go the divorce route, you need to investigate your wife and her boyfriend and do your best to get as much custody as possible.

Is the other man married?

 

[Chaparral]

If you're about to suggest exposing the OM to his W/GF as a means to break the fog, forget it, I can see it from here, their marriage is cooked like a casserole, just needs served up in front of the judge with some bread and butter.

If she drops OM now, there will be another in her bed within a month!!!

MVGB has been friend zoned and is hanging by a thread, she doesn't want him, but she doesn't want to let him go either!!!

I think when children are involved the affair should be destroyed no matter what the eventual outcome is to be.

 

[Thound]

Wow I hope Affaircare will be around when I need him. Awesome posts Affaircare. Thank God for men like you.

 

[wranglerman]

I think when children are involved the affair should be destroyed no matter what the eventual outcome is to be.

With that I do entirely agree with, but not before he has his duckies in the row and sailing on the pond!!!

There can be enormous stress and pain from the exposure that may make MVNFWD think twice about filing after exposure, she might drop the hot rock/c0ck and hold him closer than ever before and tell him all the sweet little lies in order to lull him into the false R that would follow, then coast is clear all is settled in a year or two and "BANG" so to speak she goes back into that world.

Seen it here a few times now!!!

Best get the ducks in the row, file and then expose IMHO.

 

[manfromlamancha]

Mvnfwd, you were going to give us more detail via an update - it would help us understand the picture better.

 

[Chaparral]

You need to talk to an attorney about your moving out. According to some posters this can affect custody if this goes to divorce.

Warning, if your wife is cheating, she's lying. Believe nothing, zero, nada, that comes out of her mouth without verifying.

 

[ConanHub]

Wow I hope Affaircare will be around when I need him. Awesome posts Affaircare. Thank God for men like you.

Isn't Affaircare a girl?

 

[Jasel]

Why would she file for divorce??? She has a boy toy (or more) on one hand, and her Plan B husband who is doing "everything in my power to show my commitment to her and the family, as a Christian man." She has no real incentive to file for divorce unless she plans on getting serious with someone else or just gets sick of being married to you.

If you've been separated for 2 years, she doesn't want to reconcile, she's already ****ing someone else, you're occasionally invited to family dinners, etc then you're basically already divorced anyway.

What you've been doing obviously isn't working. And ignore what that pastor told you. You need to see a lawyer and start figuring out your options.

If you do wind up divorcing do it now while your kids are young and so they won't remember and don't have to grow up watching the train wreck that is your marriage. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work and from what you say it's clear you're the only one invested in it.

What you've been doing (which is as close to outright enabling her behavior as you can get) has not been working, it's time to try something else.

 

[MattMatt]

You are doing your wife a grave disservice. How? You have -accidentally- allowed her to live a wicked and cruel lifestyle. You must stop this, now.

No more enabling behaviour.
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