[GusPolinski]

No one said it did, did they?
Although in regards to Jesus, there are some who allege he married was married to Mary Magdelyne, a prostitute. So even he was able to overlook her past, unlike some of the posters on this thread.
But again FTR, I haven't said whether I could or couldn't forgive. I have only said that it would take a lot of work. But that hasn't stopped all of these morally upright people from judging me, shaming me or accusing me for offering an opinion when asked what would I do.

That’s just stupid.

Overlooking someone’s “past” and reconciling in the face of such a horrible betrayal to one’s own person are two COMPLETELY different things.

Seriously, there’s no comparison.

Are you really that obtuse?

 

[Ynot]

Many — if not most — tend to heavily imply it, yourself included.

Besides in your head, can you show me where I have ever suggested or implied that the H should or should not reconcile. I have only said what I would do, which would be to give greater consideration to her recent behavior and less to that in the past. I have also said that I do not know if the marriage could survive. Which would HEAVILY imply that reconciliation might not work or be possible.

 

[Ynot]

That’s just stupid.

Overlooking someone’s “past” and reconciling in the face of such a horrible betrayal to one’s own person are two COMPLETELY different things.

Seriously, there’s no comparison.

Are you really that obtuse?

Speaking of obtuse, why are you so insistent that anyone has suggested they reconcile. The question was what would I do. I said I would consider her recent behavior over her past behavior and that I didn't know if the marriage would survive. Do you have similar knee jerk reactions as some of these other guys?

 

[Andy1001]

This thread reminds me of the quote @sokillme has on his timeline.
The op here has to eat a **** sandwich.
One which has been marinating for twenty odd years.
He is depressed and suicidal and I wish I had some words of comfort to offer him.
If he was posting here I would advice him to seek some counseling urgently.

 

[sokillme]

This bears a striking semblance to Ambivalent One's posting on SI. Similar situation, LTA with an acquaintance that died nine years into the affair. The thread was called Dazed and Confused, and unfortunately, in January/February of this year, the WW took her own life. She too knew instinctively that this would eventually come back. She was not prepared for the sudden end to her marriage, and the asset split meeting, the one that I conduct regularly, drove the point home that her marriage was done, she had killed it nine years earlier, and she kept the zombie marriage alive by complete omission of the affair. Ambivalent one and his two daughters are left with nothing but detrius that she left in the wake of her affair. TotallyLostMan is suicidal at the thought of his world imploding. His wife one way or another is going to pay for this, and I predict that it will not be pleasant. One of my clients put his wife out of the family home. Their youngest was not his, and he discovered the LTA, then had DNA testing done on all of his children. He knew that his STBXW would crumble if one of the kids turned on her, so he said the most despicable thing in front of the youngest. "Take your bastard with you" The kid hears this, turns to his mother and says, "Is this true?" She answers yes, and the kid proceeds to go off on her. Called his mother a useless *****, and how can she live with herself. She fell apart. Near catatonic. He told his youngest to drive his mother to their grandparents, if he wanted to come home he could, mom was out. She was basically NMC for months following, and as soon as she was healthy enough, she was served.

I try to put myself into my client's shoes when this sort of thing rears its ugly head. In this case, given that he is father to one of his three children, and he was living a life that was a falsehood propagated by a wife that was in CYA mode for nearly thirty years. My first thought would be to drain everything financially, grab my passport, and get lost for a few months or years. Yes, I am a son of a ***** for saying that. What? he's going to leave her high and dry without a penny? Abandon his children? Well there would be one fu ck of a goodbye note to the kids saying that Mom should find out what life is like as a single after having grifted her husband into supporting, accepting and loving two kids that were not his. I have counselled one BH to take his wife to court, the filing was not done to exact revenge on her, but the corollary outing would have embarrassed the hell out her family that was fairly affluent. My client's FIL paid him a significant amount to keep his mouth shut. Of course that did not outlive the FIL, and my client had a significant bone to pick that ten times the amount of money would not salve, so day or two after the funeral, he tells the full story to her family. His ExWW had a very extended vacation away from everyone, as shall we say, she and her family were held up to intense ridicule. (They were church deacons, pillars of the community, and could not live down their daughter's indiscretion, made worse because the father of the children, was a servant)

My thoughts exactly. I will keep my other thoughts on that situation to myself. I hope at least he does the same as AO.

Everyone he talks to say his wife is a great wife? What great friends he has. She is a total fraud and a monster. At the very least he should get a free pass for life so he can have a "sexual outlet" like her.

Besides that, they are always like "I only love you! I would never leave you!" To them it's just implied that they are some sort of catch. She doesn't get that she is every mans worst nightmare.

At least the posters at Reddit never let me down. They always cut to the reality of the situation.

 

[sokillme]

I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.

This is so ****ing insulting. Yeah I'm a saint because I am not a monster like this women. I am not a rapist either guess that also makes me terrible because I judge them too. How dare I be so harsh. This wasn't years ago she lied for 25 years to her whole family up until this point. She is disgusting.

 

[sokillme]

First if he kills himself that will really mess up his kids. They will think that them not being biologically was a factor (which it might be).

I would make an agreement with my wife that no matter how bad it got nether of them could commit suicide due to the kids.

Then I would ask her one question. She got pregnant the first time and didn’t know who the father was. She watch as I was all excited about my first child and my parents ware all excited about what may have been their first grandchild.

The question is why couldn’t she start using a condom with her OM after the first kid?

She cared so little for me that the thought of using a condom with her boy friend never occurred to her. Why would she do that to the second kid?

Is it that the OM didn't like "showering in a raincoat"? :scratchhead:

Yeah someone should mention that to him on reddit. Why was the first scare not enough.

 

[sokillme]

No one said it did, did they?
Although in regards to Jesus, there are some who allege he married was married to Mary Magdelyne, a prostitute. So even he was able to overlook her past, unlike some of the posters on this thread.

He also killed Ananias and Sapphira dead on the spot for lying to him.

 

[faithfulman]

So the person she is today is completely different from the person who gave birth to another man's children 25+ years ago?

Okay.

But she is still the same person who lied about it for the subsequent 25 years up until she got busted just recently:

A liar who was content for the husband to be her fool unknowingly raising ANOTHER MAN'S TWO CHILDREN!

 

[TAMAT]

I have some suspicions about my oldest as my W was still in contact with OM1 at work around that time and the birth weight was high and the gestation short, but not outside of the Gaussian. I know the only possible date of conception.

I believe if it turned out that I wasn't the dad I would sue OM1 for 1/4 of the cost of raising my child until college graduation. My other option would be much worse.

 

[GusPolinski]

Neither he nor his wife is the same person today that they were 33 years ago. If you are the same person today that you were 33 years ago, then I guess I am talking to a ghost because you are dead. People live, make mistakes and learn. Learning is how we grow. If you can't or don't you die or just remain stuck and bitter for your remaining years on earth.

LOL...

Regardless of who they are now or who they were 33 years ago, he's the guy that's been lied to like a chump for nearly 30 years and she's the person that's been doing the lying.

Long story short: she's not changed in any sort of meaningful way.

 

[GusPolinski]

Besides in your head, can you show me where I have ever suggested or implied that the H should or should not reconcile. I have only said what I would do, which would be to give greater consideration to her recent behavior and less to that in the past. I have also said that I do not know if the marriage could survive. Which would HEAVILY imply that reconciliation might not work or be possible.

Meh. Not worth my time.

I've read enough of your "it's not the end of the world", or "it's not worth ending a marriage over", or "I wouldn't change my entire life over it" posts in enough threads over the past couple of years to know where you stand.

 

[GusPolinski]

Speaking of obtuse, why are you so insistent that anyone has suggested they reconcile. The question was what would I do. I said I would consider her recent behavior over her past behavior and that I didn't know if the marriage would survive. Do you have similar knee jerk reactions as some of these other guys?

Dance around it all you like, phrases like "I would do this" and "I wouldn't do that" are widely recognized for exactly what they are -- suggestions.

 

[GusPolinski]

I just want to congratulate all of you saints out there who have never done anything stupid in your lives that you are so clean and pure as to throw stones at those who have. The guy was married for 33 years. He wasn't cuckolded as one poster suggested. He thought he was raising his own children, not some one else's.
The real issue is not that she cheated which some of you find totally inexcusable, but which I would write off as young immature stupidity (even if it lasted 4 years and was not a ONS). The real issue is that this man has to decide is whether he wants to walk away from the life he has on the basis of a lie from a quarter of a century ago. As I said, the trust that that life has been severely damaged. They have a lot of work to do. They may not make it. But I would certainly think long and hard about throwing away a 33 year marriage without first making the effort to save it.
Some of you are absolutists, which may be why you are still bitter and angry years later. Life is not absolutes, we make compromises each and every day.

There is a huge gulf between "young and immature", or "daily compromises", or whatever other laughable term you'd care to clumsily apply here and the scenario described in the initial post, but sure -- keep the hysterics coming.

And the lies didn't end a quarter of a century ago -- they continued right up until the moment that the discovered that 2 of his 3 children weren't his biological offspring.

 

[BruceBanner]

I have some suspicions about my oldest as my W was still in contact with OM1 at work around that time and the birth weight was high and the gestation short, but not outside of the Gaussian. I know the only possible date of conception.

I believe if it turned out that I wasn't the dad I would sue OM1 for 1/4 of the cost of raising my child until college graduation. My other option would be much worse.

I would like to know your other option in a PM.

 

[GusPolinski]

No, I do get it. They are two children he raised as his own because he did not have a clue they were not his. They are not guilty of anything and they do not deserve anything other than his continued unconditional love. The H may have been duped, but that should not change anything concerning the children who he has loved and supported for all those years. If that is what is bothering you, and you would desert them now you need to grow up.

The two oldest are what now -- 29 and 25?

Based on that alone, I'd imagine that anything they were ever due (or "deserved") has already been given. Unknowingly, perhaps, but still -- they should be good now.

I'm not saying that the BH should end his relationship with them (mostly because he would likely suffer even greater pain as a result), and I doubt that would be something I could do, but I wouldn't fault him if he chose to go that route.

 

[GusPolinski]

Gus I respect your thoughts on this and elsewhere. I agree with their right to know. But this also clashes with wanting to protect them. If after testing they are shown to be mine all is good. If any are not mine, they will all be devastated, feel betrayed by their mother. Hate her. Doubt themselves. Who knows what OPs kids are still going through.

If I tested I would have to let them know. Or give their mother a small window to do it herself.

Man I totally get that.

Seriously, I do.

But you've got to think about worst case -- something like what happened here coming to pass.

If what you fear may be true is in fact true, getting out ahead of it, as well as communicating any bad news yourself, may help to soften the blow.

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

Um, yea, some affairs are simply due to immature stupidity, regardless of what you think. I could live with myself because I place more emphasis on the recent history, than past history. Over the past 25 years she has shown herself to be a good partner and wife. What she did, she did in the distant past.

Immature Stupidity might be a drunken one night stand, not a 4 year affair. That is a sign of someone seriously effed up in the head and who could give 2 f's about their partner. But, take out the fact that she was brain-dead enough to screw her paramour without protection-- I honestly don't know what is worse...the 4 year affair with all its deceit, lies and sexual immorality or the fact that she then went on to hide it for another 3 decades without guilt destroying her...She is still the same monster and I would never call such a deviant monster my wife. But to each their own.

 

[Icelander@35]

BruceBanner, it doesn't matter how long ago your WW had her affair, it's happening to you right now. You have heard it before I'm sure, but I'll reiterate: cheaters are liars. And in your case, she lied by omission for decades. I really, really hate to say this, but I will. She could not have loved you considering the way she treated you all this time! Not possible. Probably she regarded you as roommates of some kind.

This news is comparable to getting the bad new from your physician in that it's such a kick in the guts. And one you can't really grasp right now. In any event, this is going to haunt you 'till your dying day. If it were me, I'd part ways with her as early as possible. Just saying!

 

[BruceBanner]

BruceBanner, it doesn't matter how long ago your WW had her affair, it's happening to you right now. You have heard it before I'm sure, but I'll reiterate: cheaters are liars. And in your case, she lied by omission for decades. I really, really hate to say this, but I will. She could not have loved you considering the way she treated you all this time! Not possible. Probably she regarded you as roommates of some kind.

This news is comparable to getting the bad new from your physician in that it's such a kick in the guts. And one you can't really grasp right now. In any event, this is going to haunt you 'till your dying day. If it were me, I'd part ways with her as early as possible. Just saying!

I'm not going through this someone else from Reddit is.