My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
Husbands fake affair
Melanie63
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exactly what I told him, he doesn’t get a free pass just because he was scammed and she was fake, he still cheated!! Once the trust is broken I don’t think it can be repaired. He admitted he was hoping he could do it without me knowing, honesty is very important along with trust.
@Melanie63 I'm so very sorry that you are going through this.
For you it's as if he did physically cheat. I hope he understands that. The fact that he was hoping you would never know and was happy to live with that deception isn't good.
It must have been a terrible shock for you.
What consequences is he facing?
It always astounds me that older men honestly believe that a much younger busty woman would be interested in them.
You were on my mind. How are you doing, @Melanie63
You are so sweet. Things haven’t been good, I demanded more answers from him about why, how, him saying to her he knew it would hurt me but did it anyways. He said he knew I wouldn’t divorce him, and I also found out he continued to talk to her even after he found out she was fake and got scammed out of the money from the person she was working with. He said he still felt she was real! So, I told him I was done and and we needed to sell the house and file paperwork for a divorce. I had an appointment Tuesday the 26th to talk to a lawyer. He fell Monday night and broke his hip and has been in the hospital ever since and will be going to rehab for 2-3 weeks. I always told him I would be there for him with his health issues but I never expected the timing for this. He said I think God did this to me for what I did to you!! I am so torn, this man was everything to me but hurt the hell out of me, I don’t trust a word he says, I can’t trust him or forgive him right now but I know he needs me right now too..…need and want me are two different things!
Firstly God doesn't break people's hips because they did something wrong. Very wrong thinking.
Secondly by the time the divorce is through he will be fully recovered.
If the trust has gone what is left
What is your husband doing to show remorse for his actions and help you heal? Is he in therapy? Does he acknowledge how he's hurt you and damaged the marriage (vs showing self-pity for himself for being caught)? What actions is he taking to rebuild trust?
It's up to him to do the work on himself that made him willing to break his marriage vows. I don't believe this is a normal reaction to leukemia let alone to a non-life-threatening case of leukemia (if I understand your posts correctly).
And he said "forsaking all others."
I am curious about something, not a rhetorical question or a suggestion toward an action, just: it seems you are set on keeping your marriage vow to the man who repeatedly, intentionally broke his marriage vow and wants you to 'rug sweep' the problem. Am I understanding this correctly, and could you help me understand your train of thought? I don't want to assume. And you don't have to answer.
Also:
Are you living somewhere that no relatives or friends can pitch in? I was thinking you had daughters. And his money can pay for trained, licensed hired help, right?
Did you see the lawyer?
let me explain my past it might help a little. My dad committed suicide when I was 5, my mom remarried when I was 7. My stepdad molested me from age 7-18, was threatened not to tell anyone even my mom. She swears she didn't know, she had too though! I got married and he got into drugs and started abusing me and our daughter, I left him. 5 years later I remarried and had 2 kids with him and he was a over the road truck driver who cheated the whole time and every time I found out he also abused me. I was a single mom of 3 , ages 10, 5 and a newborn. 2 years later I met Mike. I don’t know what it was about him but it was an instant connection for me. I took things slow. We dated 2 year, we had a great relationship, so much love, he fell in love with my kids and treated them as his own. I have a a picture in the house that says “I still remember the days I prayed for what I have now” always wanted to have that kind of love everyone felt. We have been married for 24 years this Oct, and we always had such a strong loving bond, respect, trust, we did everything together up until he did this to me. This is so out of his character, but it’s something I can not move past and something that in on my mind everyday. I wish I could forget and forgive because my love for him was so strong, but unfortunately he can’t be in love with me anymore that he could do this! Last night he called me from the hospital and I told him I was having a rough time, he said I didn’t mean to hurt you, that is a statement he makes all the time. The whole time he talked to her he told he knew how hurt I would be. So after him saying that a million times to me even last night I can’t and will not stay. I did go to the lawyers and Monday I will let him know to start the process. I’m broken, but staying would be more trauma for me in the long run.
It's a very sad situation for you. He did this knowing how hurt you had been in your past too.
I am so sorry that you have been so badly let down again
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Oh, Melanie, you have gone through a great deal! I am so very, very sorry for all the evil done to you. You have had to be strong, and you have overcome so much.
Each time I read your posts, it triggered my anger. I cannot imagine the amount of anger you actually have had triggered. I am so terribly sorry for what you have experienced.
Each time I read your posts, it triggered my anger. I cannot imagine the amount of anger you actually have had triggered. I am so terribly sorry for what you have experienced.
Last night I kept thinking about your situation. I wondered if I was pushing you toward what I thought was best in my limited-information view.
So I want to do this: There was a thread from a couple years ago where TAM members gave what I thought were really good suggestions. Perhaps you might find helpful some of those pieces of advice. https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/t...age.com/threads/my-husband-of-20-years-had-an-affair-after-a-“bad-year”.454030/
So I want to do this: There was a thread from a couple years ago where TAM members gave what I thought were really good suggestions. Perhaps you might find helpful some of those pieces of advice. https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/t...age.com/threads/my-husband-of-20-years-had-an-affair-after-a-“bad-year”.454030/
I wanted to let you know her post hit hard, so similar. I sent her a message, I was hoping to speak with her. Haven’t heard back, but it was an older post. I hope she is happy with whatever she decided to do. Thank you for sharing that with me. It helped a lot and reading all the responses were great.
He just got home from rehab from breaking his hip. I’ve been there for him 24/7 through this recovery and I did finally come to my conclusion what needs to happen for myself. I truly love this man with all my heart but I have no respect for him for what he did and I can’t forget what he did, he will not talk to me about it. I can not live like this anymore, my health is affected by what he did and what he isn’t doing now, I have epilepsy and the stress is causing my seizures and panic attacks and I deserve better. I am moving on in life without him. It’s hard, it breaks my heart, but I can not continue living like this anymore. We have our house up for sale and my next chapter in life will start without him somehow but I need to do it for my sanity.
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I'm sorry for your pain. This whole thing is obviously causing you a lot of strain and distress. Hugs to you.
He's broken your heart and done nothing to resolve his betrayals. You have a responsibility to care for yourself, to take care of your body and your life. He is responsible for his life. If you two were working together to care for each other, as marriage is supposed to be about, that would be different, but you can never trust this man again.
When someone mistreats you, they should make amends. He won't ever do that. He won't even acknowledge how badly he has treated you.
Have looked into filing for divorce asap?
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@Melanie63
I really am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I am glad you have found your direction, and I wish you only good things.
I really am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I am glad you have found your direction, and I wish you only good things.
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