My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
Husbands fake affair
Melanie63
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jmho, if you had an affair... and he discovered it and confronted you... and your excuse was that you never saw yourself as this type person and your ego got to you... would he be ok with that/let life return to normal without any changes or damaged trust?
I don't think so.
I would suggest consulting a lawyer to find out information about legal separation and divorce. You don't have to do anything, just become informed. Knowledge can help us feel more grounded.
I don't think so.
I would suggest consulting a lawyer to find out information about legal separation and divorce. You don't have to do anything, just become informed. Knowledge can help us feel more grounded.
Actually, he had an affair. A real one.
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1. Your husband is an idiot, in part for being on TikTok in the first place (stupid and pathetic for any grown and cognitively intact adult, but especially a man) and then for falling for what sounds like a very thinly veiled scam. How old are you both?
2. How’s your relationship overall, and especially your sex life?
3. This is an extremely upsetting and overwhelming betrayal, so feeling lost and that your world is blown up is understandable.
That said, your preexisting tendencies to depression and anxiety are your own issues. Keep that separate from this betrayal and don’t be a victim.
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OP, how's you two's sex life, before this?
I asked him this question and he said “no”.
I saw a message between the two of them and he told her/him that he is scared of how I will react if I ever found out, because he knew how hurt I would be! Well that didn’t bother him to stop trying to make it happen. 5 times!
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Thank you for your help, you really gave me great advice and a better outlook on ways to look at the situation. I showed him this.
. When I found out I was shocked, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety so I just wasn’t in a right frame of mind to understand exactly what just happened! The next several days and weeks I just cried all day, couldn’t eat, panic attacks.
Then I tried to get him to tell me why, tell me everything. He had no answers for me. He kept saying “I don’t know why I did it, I can't explain it”. We went to counseling and he broke down saying he doesn’t want to lose the marriage but still said he doesn’t understand why he did it. Like you said, it’s going to be roommate situation. Well I had enough of it, I moved everything to our spare room.
Last night after reading these replies I finally got where I should have been from the start! I let it all out on him, all my hurt, all my frustration, everything he took from me. It felt so good. He kept telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn’t want to lose me. I know he does love me but I can’t trust or forgive him for this. He admitted he wanted to meet her because he let his ego get the best of him because he’s 72 and a 32 sexy woman with big boobs gave him attention. He admitted that he told her I would be so hurt if I found out. That didn’t stop him, 5 times didn’t stop him. It’s so sad though that I lost my marriage over his stupidity, ignorance, infidelity etc over a fake picture that was probably a guy scamming him for thousands of dollars and all he could think about was the boobs and HIMSELF!!!
Making an appointment today to speak to a lawyer
So he intentionally hurt you, repeatedly. And wants you to just forgive and forget and return to how things were before you discovered?
I am so very sorry that you are going through this.
Everything was great with our sex life, like I said we had a great marriage.
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And even if it wasn’t great cheating is still 100% on him.
This brings to mind a former coworker who looked like an unkempt ZZ Top. This older fellow did not bathe, did not wash his hair, was skinny but did not work out (not attractive)... yet kept telling his wife to hit the hair-dye bottle... and kept complaining to us at work that his wife looked old and unattractive. It got to the point that men in management started telling him to look in the mirror. I cannot imagine her living through that behavior and hypocrisy.
I'm so very glad that YOU see through that logic as well @Melanie63.
I'm so very glad that YOU see through that logic as well @Melanie63.
I've had the exact thing happen to me..married 27 years. He bought dozens of money cards and sent them to many different people and then borrowed thousands for sexy fake person who had gold bars and needed him to pay to get them into the country and then she would pay for his divorce and they would live forever in la la land with the BEST daily sex he's ever had. I called the police and they told him he had better NOT try to bring her to my house and that he's being catfished. I then called APS because I have medical problems and was becoming afraid of what might happen if he left me. He did leave and then moved back because he couldn't afford another payment. He is a 100% disabled (mental) Veteran and my champva insurance would be lost if we divorced. Lawyer said to think long and hard about the finances that I would lose. I would have to go to subsidized housing and there are years long waiting lists for nice ones. My therapist told me how to use "GRAY ROCK" to deal with him and he's in another bedroom. My bank started moving his deposits into my account and he hasn't dared to say a word about it. I found 8 phones and put them all in boiling water and then hammered them all to pieces. He just bought more and I got tired of destroying them. The rule is he is NOT to ever bring a phone into my home ever again. He now sits in the car for hours on his phones. I can't get into his PC as he has changed all passwords but it would only make me way too upset anyway. (thank god for xanax or he'd be dead and I'd be in prison) We now just sit here waiting for one of us to die.
UPDATE! Moved into nice 2 br senior community apartment and house is up for sale. No financcial problems at this time and still have my insurance.
If you decide to stay with him for financial reasons, learn the "GRAY ROCK" method and be sure to get an anti anxiety med from your doctor. (as soon as you get a knot in your stomach, pop one..I'm down to one every now and then when triggers hit) NOT depression med. Make sure he knows what you will NOT tolerate in your home from now on. Hopefully he's in a different bedroom. Go on and enjoy your life as if he died (which the person you married did).
His hell won't be anything like she's had to go through because of him!
I’m glad you found my post. Same exact situation. Even down to being a vet. I had a consultation today with a lawyer and he told me the same thing about finances. We lost a lot of money with the scam. Dr just prescribed Xanax for me lol, so I know what you mean. I’m so exhausted from it all, that’s how I know it’s done for me. His loss!
Any other personality or cognitive changes recently? Any other recent signs of mental or cognitive decline?
More importantly, is this completely out of character for him or was he kind of a snake in the grass when he was younger and fully functioning? Has he ever had any episodes of cheating or inappropriate sexual behavior before when he was fully functioning mentally.
Did he at least used to be smart and would have realized that some 30 year old California model would probably not be hitting on some 72 year old man across the country???
People on this forum are extremely sensitive to any kind of sexual inappropriateness and many have been on the receiving end of infidelity and tend see any suspicious behavior as classic adultery.
But while this was clearly inappropriate, my concern here is more medical in a nature vs moral.
I’m more concerned that this is some form of early dementia or cognitive impairment rather than just some horny old coot trying to score some poontang on the side.
If his general character when he was younger and healthy and vigorous was faithful and appropriate and he wasn’t any kind of skirt chaser or cheater etc when he was fully functioning and this is completely out of character for him, then I would be getting him to a doctor that specializes is geriatrics, dementia, cognitive disorders etc before I would be seeking any kind of marital counseling etc.
This may very well be a manifestation of some kind of medical or cognitive issue rather than a moral or character issue.
Get him to a doctor and rule out some kind of medical, cognitive disorder before jumping to conclusions that he is a garden variety cheater.
More importantly, is this completely out of character for him or was he kind of a snake in the grass when he was younger and fully functioning? Has he ever had any episodes of cheating or inappropriate sexual behavior before when he was fully functioning mentally.
Did he at least used to be smart and would have realized that some 30 year old California model would probably not be hitting on some 72 year old man across the country???
People on this forum are extremely sensitive to any kind of sexual inappropriateness and many have been on the receiving end of infidelity and tend see any suspicious behavior as classic adultery.
But while this was clearly inappropriate, my concern here is more medical in a nature vs moral.
I’m more concerned that this is some form of early dementia or cognitive impairment rather than just some horny old coot trying to score some poontang on the side.
If his general character when he was younger and healthy and vigorous was faithful and appropriate and he wasn’t any kind of skirt chaser or cheater etc when he was fully functioning and this is completely out of character for him, then I would be getting him to a doctor that specializes is geriatrics, dementia, cognitive disorders etc before I would be seeking any kind of marital counseling etc.
This may very well be a manifestation of some kind of medical or cognitive issue rather than a moral or character issue.
Get him to a doctor and rule out some kind of medical, cognitive disorder before jumping to conclusions that he is a garden variety cheater.
This is totally out of his character, this is why I am so hurt, and don’t understand it. No cheating ever, we have a happy marriage, he constantly says he never thought he would ever do this kind of thing to me, to us.
The day I found out, I talked to both of my daughters and right away they said “mom this isn’t dad, something is wrong”. A little back story about his health, he had prostate cancer 6 years ago, had surgery, it came back a year later had radiation treatment, so far everything is cancer free there. He has CLL for at least 8 or 9 years but it’s his numbers are so low, he doesn’t get treated for it, he goes every 3 months to get check. About 4 months ago I noticed some forgetfulness, memory loss in him. Saw a Dr for it and she ordered some tests. Unfortunately they are so booked he can’t get in till September. When this all happened immediately I called his Dr and of course I was frantic and crying and she has been his Dr for 20 years and she said “this definitely isnt Mike”. She said she would put in an emergency order for his scans, for possible brain tumor, dementia, it could be anything. Waiting for the results now. This man served in the military for 44 years at a high rank leadership, very respected, smart and managed his money like no other.
My heart is broken, because he won’t talk to me about what he did, we are both lost because this is something we never expected. I say I’m done but deep down I know I‘m not. For sickness and health, he does have health issues and needs me, but I honestly believe he isn’t using me just because he needs me. We had counseling yesterday, she understands my hurt and pain and betrayal but she also told him she feels he is depressed and feels like the issue is more of a medical issue than him seeking out attention and getting scammed by the female and losing thousands of dollars.
I told him yesterday that we need to get his health under control, that’s our first priority right now. When the results come back we will discuss things then. If it’s medical we can work through that, if it’s not there’s a lot of trust and forgiveness and a lot of others hints that we need to discuss then.
I truly appreciate your words and how you looked at this from another view thank you
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What do you mean by this? Can you expand?
whenever I ask him from day 1 to tell me why he did it and how he could do it to me knowing how it would hurt me and our marriage he has no answer. Whenever I want to talk about it, I do all the talking and he just listens. His response is always “I dont know , or I cant explain it because I don't understand it myself”.
This is what our counseling was all about last night. She asked me what I needed the most. I said answers, truth and no lies, all honesty. She tried telling him he needs to give me that. Still nothing, the same response he gives me. She made him leave the room, she said she doesn’t feel he’s there mentally like he’s empty, she’s say she feels it a medical issue.
I don’t know, you give good advice, what’s your thoughts?
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Yeah, sounds like he may have a brain problem, given what you say it is out of character.
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