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Husbands fake affair

3.6K views 76 replies 23 participants last post by  DLLAL  
#1 · (Edited)
My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
 
#2 ·
My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, didn’t have a good life before me, and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
"But there is no foole to the olde foole, folke saie". Been going on for a long time. No consolation, of course, and I'd be devastated as well. We elderly are constant targets of scams and I've seen it play out within my own family.
 
#3 ·
Miss, very sorry you have to now cope with this! Yep, he fell for a scam for $$, yet had it not been a scam? So much to process. Did he have an affair or didnt he. You've said it succinctly, that it would have happened if it had been real. So now you have to figure out how you feel. Treat this just as an actual affair and do the work for yourself to heal and deal with the trauma you now suffer. Decide if you want the marriage to continue, or end it.
This will not be an overnight thing to recover from. Possibly seek therapy, see your doctor if anxieties or depression feel imminent. You may need a hiatus from your husband to sort through it all. Don't blame yourself. He made the poor choices, not you.
 
#4 ·
Thank you for your reply, I just started seeing a therapist. I always suffered with depression and anxiety and this took me over the edge. I’m broken , panic attacks and I just cry all day long. I am treating it as an affair and I’m just so lost. He keeps telling me he doesn’t want to lose me and he’s sorry and he can’t explain why he did it. That’s just not good enough for me right now. therapist said it could be weeks, months, years to forget and forgive!
 
#6 ·
A failed infidelity is still infidelity. He betrayed you, lied and was a hypocrite, there is no excuse for that.
You can only forgive him in the evangelical sense, as Jesus forgave sinners, but on a personal level you will never forget his affair and will not come to terms with it.
I can't know the severity of his illnesses (cancer + dementia), but that's no excuse for an affair. No medical textbooks, reference books, or manuals say that cancer (or any other disease) causes a patient to lie, betray, or cheat on their partner.
It's up to you. Perhaps feeling pity for your pathetic husband will force you to start a "reconciliation" and try to put this disgusting episode in the past. It will bring him relief, but not you! The elephant in the room won't go anywhere, even if you try to hide it behind beautiful curtains.
Think about yourself and your happiness, or at least about peace and self-confidence. Next to him, these feelings will be inaccessible to you.
If I were you, I would start consulting with a lawyer and preparing the divorce papers.
 
#8 ·
Your story reminds me of a thread posted like six or so years ago on here by a woman whose husband had cancer, but he was having an online affair. I think members here were conflicted in that if the husband was dying, then who cares? I can’t recall what his prognosis was, like how long he had to live, but I’m wondering if your husband didn’t have cancer, what would you do?

I’m sorry you find yourself here. 😔
 
#11 ·
I probably should have explained that better in my post, he has blood cancer, leukemia and his numbers are so low that he he isn’t being treated for it and probably never will.

Honestly I am just numb from finding this out. I would have never thought he would do this! Everyone is shocked. All it took was one message from a sexy female coming onto him saying all the right things. Made plans to meet over 4 times then scamming money from him by the other person. I do not blame her/him at all, it’s all on him!! So I caught him, he had no way of denying it, he ruined his marriage over a sexy pic which was fake & probably a guy, and got scammed out of thousands of dollars. we had so much love and so many memories we were that couple still holding hands everywhere And just because a sexy pic fed his ego he tore me apart.
 
#10 ·
My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
This is actually worse than typical infidelity. And I'm actually quite surprised at how often these stories of cheating with a scammer comes up here. There wasn't even a real AP which to me means he is a cheater and stupid/gullible. There was another one here where it was the wife and she fell in love with someone that was posing as a K-pop star. A star that needed money for all variety of things. In that case not only was thier romantic infidelity there was also severe financial infidelity.

While I feel bad for his medical issues, quite frankly that's his damn problem now. He broke the marriage, not you. His choices are his and he suffers the consequences. It is up to you to decide if you can ever move past this. I don't believe I could. I can only imagine the things said between him and the scammer. And he attempted to physically cheat 5 times!! He was hellbent on cheating on you. Only now that his stupidity has been exposed is he remorseful.

Honestly this may come down to you riding things out as a roommate until he dies. I hate to say that, but it seems like this is the situation that will likely unfold. But again, it is entirely up to you. You should consult a lawyer while you decide what direction to go in.
 
#27 ·
Thank you for your help, you really gave me great advice and a better outlook on ways to look at the situation. I showed him this.

. When I found out I was shocked, I suffer from severe depression and anxiety so I just wasn’t in a right frame of mind to understand exactly what just happened! The next several days and weeks I just cried all day, couldn’t eat, panic attacks.

Then I tried to get him to tell me why, tell me everything. He had no answers for me. He kept saying “I don’t know why I did it, I can't explain it”. We went to counseling and he broke down saying he doesn’t want to lose the marriage but still said he doesn’t understand why he did it. Like you said, it’s going to be roommate situation. Well I had enough of it, I moved everything to our spare room.

Last night after reading these replies I finally got where I should have been from the start! I let it all out on him, all my hurt, all my frustration, everything he took from me. It felt so good. He kept telling me I was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn’t want to lose me. I know he does love me but I can’t trust or forgive him for this. He admitted he wanted to meet her because he let his ego get the best of him because he’s 72 and a 32 sexy woman with big boobs gave him attention. He admitted that he told her I would be so hurt if I found out. That didn’t stop him, 5 times didn’t stop him. It’s so sad though that I lost my marriage over his stupidity, ignorance, infidelity etc over a fake picture that was probably a guy scamming him for thousands of dollars and all he could think about was the boobs and HIMSELF!!!

Making an appointment today to speak to a lawyer
 
#14 ·
Your 72-year-old husband is dying from leukemia, has dementia and you are going to make his last days a living hell because he fell for a sophisticated scam.

You and knee-jerk Tammers who condemn at the remotest whiff of the remotest kind of infidelity need to search for and find some humanity.
 
#21 ·
jmho, if you had an affair... and he discovered it and confronted you... and your excuse was that you never saw yourself as this type person and your ego got to you... would he be ok with that/let life return to normal without any changes or damaged trust?

I don't think so.

I would suggest consulting a lawyer to find out information about legal separation and divorce. You don't have to do anything, just become informed. Knowledge can help us feel more grounded.
 
#31 ·
This brings to mind a former coworker who looked like an unkempt ZZ Top. This older fellow did not bathe, did not wash his hair, was skinny but did not work out (not attractive)... yet kept telling his wife to hit the hair-dye bottle... and kept complaining to us at work that his wife looked old and unattractive. It got to the point that men in management started telling him to look in the mirror. I cannot imagine her living through that behavior and hypocrisy.

I'm so very glad that YOU see through that logic as well @Melanie63.
 
#32 ·
My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
I've had the exact thing happen to me..married 27 years. He bought dozens of money cards and sent them to many different people and then borrowed thousands for sexy fake person who had gold bars and needed him to pay to get them into the country and then she would pay for his divorce and they would live forever in la la land with the BEST daily sex he's ever had. I called the police and they told him he had better NOT try to bring her to my house and that he's being catfished. I then called APS because I have medical problems and was becoming afraid of what might happen if he left me. He did leave and then moved back because he couldn't afford another payment. He is a 100% disabled (mental) Veteran and my champva insurance would be lost if we divorced. Lawyer said to think long and hard about the finances that I would lose. I would have to go to subsidized housing and there are years long waiting lists for nice ones. My therapist told me how to use "GRAY ROCK" to deal with him and he's in another bedroom. My bank started moving his deposits into my account and he hasn't dared to say a word about it. I found 8 phones and put them all in boiling water and then hammered them all to pieces. He just bought more and I got tired of destroying them. The rule is he is NOT to ever bring a phone into my home ever again. He now sits in the car for hours on his phones. I can't get into his PC as he has changed all passwords but it would only make me way too upset anyway. (thank god for xanax or he'd be dead and I'd be in prison) We now just sit here waiting for one of us to die.
UPDATE! Moved into nice 2 br senior community apartment and house is up for sale. No financcial problems at this time and still have my insurance.
 
#35 ·
I’m glad you found my post. Same exact situation. Even down to being a vet. I had a consultation today with a lawyer and he told me the same thing about finances. We lost a lot of money with the scam. Dr just prescribed Xanax for me lol, so I know what you mean. I’m so exhausted from it all, that’s how I know it’s done for me. His loss!
 
#36 ·
Any other personality or cognitive changes recently? Any other recent signs of mental or cognitive decline?

More importantly, is this completely out of character for him or was he kind of a snake in the grass when he was younger and fully functioning? Has he ever had any episodes of cheating or inappropriate sexual behavior before when he was fully functioning mentally.

Did he at least used to be smart and would have realized that some 30 year old California model would probably not be hitting on some 72 year old man across the country???

People on this forum are extremely sensitive to any kind of sexual inappropriateness and many have been on the receiving end of infidelity and tend see any suspicious behavior as classic adultery.

But while this was clearly inappropriate, my concern here is more medical in a nature vs moral.

I’m more concerned that this is some form of early dementia or cognitive impairment rather than just some horny old coot trying to score some poontang on the side.

If his general character when he was younger and healthy and vigorous was faithful and appropriate and he wasn’t any kind of skirt chaser or cheater etc when he was fully functioning and this is completely out of character for him, then I would be getting him to a doctor that specializes is geriatrics, dementia, cognitive disorders etc before I would be seeking any kind of marital counseling etc.

This may very well be a manifestation of some kind of medical or cognitive issue rather than a moral or character issue.

Get him to a doctor and rule out some kind of medical, cognitive disorder before jumping to conclusions that he is a garden variety cheater.
 
#37 ·
This is totally out of his character, this is why I am so hurt, and don’t understand it. No cheating ever, we have a happy marriage, he constantly says he never thought he would ever do this kind of thing to me, to us.

The day I found out, I talked to both of my daughters and right away they said “mom this isn’t dad, something is wrong”. A little back story about his health, he had prostate cancer 6 years ago, had surgery, it came back a year later had radiation treatment, so far everything is cancer free there. He has CLL for at least 8 or 9 years but it’s his numbers are so low, he doesn’t get treated for it, he goes every 3 months to get check. About 4 months ago I noticed some forgetfulness, memory loss in him. Saw a Dr for it and she ordered some tests. Unfortunately they are so booked he can’t get in till September. When this all happened immediately I called his Dr and of course I was frantic and crying and she has been his Dr for 20 years and she said “this definitely isnt Mike”. She said she would put in an emergency order for his scans, for possible brain tumor, dementia, it could be anything. Waiting for the results now. This man served in the military for 44 years at a high rank leadership, very respected, smart and managed his money like no other.

My heart is broken, because he won’t talk to me about what he did, we are both lost because this is something we never expected. I say I’m done but deep down I know I‘m not. For sickness and health, he does have health issues and needs me, but I honestly believe he isn’t using me just because he needs me. We had counseling yesterday, she understands my hurt and pain and betrayal but she also told him she feels he is depressed and feels like the issue is more of a medical issue than him seeking out attention and getting scammed by the female and losing thousands of dollars.

I told him yesterday that we need to get his health under control, that’s our first priority right now. When the results come back we will discuss things then. If it’s medical we can work through that, if it’s not there’s a lot of trust and forgiveness and a lot of others hints that we need to discuss then.

I truly appreciate your words and how you looked at this from another view thank you
 
#46 ·
Have not read all the replies here but some.
Elder abuse is real. Falling for money scams and “affair scams” that turn out to be money scams the person just thought was an infatuation or something are basically the same. I know this has rocked your world. If you truly feel things were good before this happened your first priority should be securing y’all’s finances so he can’t with draw it and send it to pyramid schemer. Then the two of you seek counseling on how to get through this together and also get him to his GP and if needed he can be referred to a neurologist.

People seriously under estimate how this happens.
It looks ridiculous to people still young enough or elders who have managed to keep their wits.
Going thru this with my mother’s husband. He controls all their finances & has been a victim of several money schemes over the years but won’t quite admit to what really happened. My mom knows money was lost but she’s just not the brightest person financially at all (hate to have to say that but it is true unfortunately).
 
#49 ·
last Week I had a few days where I just couldn’t get what happened out of my mind. It was terrible. He doesn’t know how to calm me down and he doesn’t know how to respond when I get that way and it just makes everything even worse. He doesn’t talk, he just listens. He says nothing gets worked out so he doesn’t say anything, we have a counseling appointment on Thursday and he told me he isn’t going for the same reason. So I am just waiting for the medical results and that will give me the answers I need…..
It just hurts like hell
 
#51 ·
This is more than a 'money scam,' though. Your husband would have taken it further if it wasn't a scam. That's the problem, he was willing to betray you in order to have some fun, validation, or whatever it is he's seeking. He doesn't sound remorseful, either. It's heartbreaking that people feel guilty if they leave someone who treats them this way. I understand why you're in pain, but don't let your husband act like he did nothing wrong. If your husband isn't remorseful, I'm not sure how your marriage will improve. 😔
 
#52 ·
My husband and I have been happily married for 23 years and we always had a good marriage so I thought. About 6 weeks ago I have been seeing signs of him being on his phone more, coming home later, being on TikTok, and money being withdrawn from the bank that was unusual for him. one day he called from work and said they need him to stay over for 2 hours, so I tracked his location, he wasn’t at work. He got home a hour later and I said Where were you, he said work. I flipped, told him I knew he was up to something. He admitted he was seeing/talking to a woman from tiktok. My heart was crushed. I asked to see a picture. Right away I knew it was photoshopped and was a fake account, he said he was supposed to meet her 5 different times but she always had an excuse. Scam alert!! Then i question about the money, some guy on tiktok got ahold of him that was working with a millionaire was helping people, you send them gift cards and then they will send you a lot of money!!!! Omg, how do people fall for this ****! No excuse, but he does have cancer and possible dementia. My issue is…how do I get over the betrayal of him having messaging, making plans to meet this person for sex, all the lying, he knew the hurt and pain that it would cause me. How do I trust a word he says again. He had a fake affair but if the person was real the affair would have happened. This is something I never thought this man would have ever done to me. He says the same thing, that he never thought he would ever do something like this. He said his ego got to him, the fake picture they used was a woman from California that is a model who is 32 that looks like a playboy bunny. That’s how the scammers get you, especially with us older people but it doesn’t take away the hurt and pain that he caused me from his actions. This man is my everything, I didn’t have a good life before him and this is tearing me up. I don’t know how to trust him or if I can forgive him. Help!
Go to marriage counseling if you can.
Unless he is truly a narcissist looking for a rush,
There is usually a reason why men or women have an affair that has not been addressed the way it should have in the marriage sooner. There is usually something that he or she hasn't been getting for sometime from their spouse (not just sex) that leads them into that trap. It could also be purely his own mental emotional crisis. I would try getting some expert help in navigating this potential return to trust. If he's a good man it could be an opportunity for a new sense of spring and golden age in your marriage, if you work out the underlying issue that's been hiding for some time.
Or you'll learn he's a poopoo head. Either way, you'll have clarity and peace of mind knowing what is what and what is not.
Trust your gut, but try working it out and see what happens.
 
#60 ·
Have you spoken to an attorney about how you can protect yourself financially? If he is mentally incompetent, this could easily happen again. You can lock down his credit, so no one can steal his identity and he can't get any new credit. Do you have power of attorney for his finances and medical? You should consider making one of your children your POA, as he clearly doesn't have the capacity for it now. There are things you can do to protect yourself. He should be willing to go along with it, especially if he's losing his mental capacity. Now that he is able is the time to take care of all this.

You can make it so he doesn't have access to any of the accounts without your signature. No debit cards. No checks without both signatures. No credit cards. All that stuff should be decided together now. These same rules don't apply to you, because you haven't shown yourself to be easily manipulated and fooled.

He needs some kind of app on his phone and computer that will help him not get sucked into something like this again. Have you heard of Covenant Eyes? You download it onto a device and it gives you screen shots of his device. It also blocks adult content.

This just happened. Of course, you aren't over it. That takes years. You will never forget. You might forgive him eventually. You can choose to forgive.

Have you considered behavioral therapy for the depression and anxiety? It can be a lot more effective than talk therapy.
 
#61 ·
This now it is a case of "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars", in a way.
Not defending him, just explaining what might be on his mind:
-he had the lust butterflies for the ghost imagined non-existent romance scam lady (it might have been an actual team posting the scripted answers). they are starting to clear out/whiter away.
-he has a long-term something for you. I called it something and not love because he went away massively.

I cannot tell you more, as I am there too: do I stay or do I go?
Had she been a real woman he would have had sex with her several times and possibly still be doing so.
Many cheaters when found out declare their love for their spouse. Seems very hypocritical to me. He was hoping he could do it in secret while staying married.
You have to decide if you can stay in a marriage where the trust has gone. I think for me it would be the lying and deception that would be just as bad. Honestly is so important to me.
exactly what I told him, he doesn’t get a free pass just because he was scammed and she was fake, he still cheated!! Once the trust is broken I don’t think it can be repaired. He admitted he was hoping he could do it without me knowing, honesty is very important along with trust.
 
#63 ·
For you it's as if he did physically cheat. I hope he understands that. The fact that he was hoping you would never know and was happy to live with that deception isn't good.
It must have been a terrible shock for you.

What consequences is he facing?

It always astounds me that older men honestly believe that a much younger busty woman would be interested in them.
 
#65 ·
You are so sweet. Things haven’t been good, I demanded more answers from him about why, how, him saying to her he knew it would hurt me but did it anyways. He said he knew I wouldn’t divorce him, and I also found out he continued to talk to her even after he found out she was fake and got scammed out of the money from the person she was working with. He said he still felt she was real! So, I told him I was done and and we needed to sell the house and file paperwork for a divorce. I had an appointment Tuesday the 26th to talk to a lawyer. He fell Monday night and broke his hip and has been in the hospital ever since and will be going to rehab for 2-3 weeks. I always told him I would be there for him with his health issues but I never expected the timing for this. He said I think God did this to me for what I did to you!! I am so torn, this man was everything to me but hurt the hell out of me, I don’t trust a word he says, I can’t trust him or forgive him right now but I know he needs me right now too..…need and want me are two different things!